1. MY DARK FRIEND

You don’t mind it anymore, you’ve learnt to understand it. The everlasting Darkness surrounding you is calming, soothing in some way. People said it would suffocate you, trap you in its grip, but you don’t agree. And although, to be honest, you don’t remember much from the world of Light, you do know that that had been the one suffocating and trapping. You remember pain, lots. The Darkness cannot hurt you, it’s only there to keep you company and sometimes you wonder if you and the Darkness are the only things left.

You know that’s not true though, because you’ve heard them. The voices had sounded far away and were saying things you didn’t understand. But for some reason you don’t know, you’ve come to enjoy them. More than the Darkness. And now you’re actually looking out for them. The words are hollow though and carry no meaning to you, but if you try and use your imagination, they sound just like music sometimes. You wonder if they are real, or only in your head. It is possible, considering your head feels like the biggest mess up you’ve ever experienced.

People said it would feel like drowning, like you’d be pulled in deeper and deeper until you couldn’t see the surface anymore. You don’t agree. You say it feels like swimming, in which you’re the one that gets to decide when to swim just below the surface and when to go in deeper. But only recently you noticed that actually reaching the surface, was out of the question. You know why. It’s because of that thin line between the painful Light and  the numbing Dark, between something you’re familiar with, something that’s as simple as black and white with and something that’s different, something you’re afraid of.

It was an everlasting dilemma really, of choosing to stay covered, safe and silent, or to take your chances and reach for the surface. That’s where the voices were, that’s where the music is. No pain, just music. That’s how it should be. Just you, the Darkness, and the music.

You can hear them again, but this time they don’t sound like music anymore. They’re loud and angry and you realize you’ve gone too far. You need to go deeper to muffle the voices, to make them turn into music again. They’re still talking, they must be fighting. You don’t know what they’re saying and if it has anything to do with you. You feel the Darkness calling. Come here, you, come, and be safe. And just this one time, you’re wondering what to do. Darkness was your friend. Darkness never did anything to hurt you, while Light made you suffer beyond anything you’d ever thought possible. But Light had sparked your curiosity now. Light was loud and lively and you figure you need something else than Darkness now. You need to feel alive again.

Just then you realize that Darkness isn’t your friend. Not really. Darkness wants to keep you all to itself. Just when you make the decision to try and see what more is out there, Darkness demands you get back. Immediately. It’s not safe out there, it says, do you want to get hurt again, it asks, I won’t hurt you, I will never hurt you, it promises. And then it begins to pull. You’re kicking and screaming, trying to get out of its grasp, but Darkness holds on tight and you know, deep inside of you, that Darkness is stronger than you are. But just when you want to give in, to let Darkness pull you into its depths, so deep, you’ve never been there before, you can hear it.

The voice is soft, softer than the arguing voices surrounding it, but it’s clear as a bell. It’s calling out, and you don’t have to wonder if it is calling out to you, because you already know. It’s calling your name, a name you would never forget, no matter what.

“Daddy!” it calls, “Daddy!” it screams, “Daddy!” it cries.

And then you’ve come to the point where you’re sure that you cannot stay where you are. No matter how much the Darkness pleads with you, you keep telling it, no, you cannot stay, you need to go. Darkness doesn’t let itself be let down so easily though, Darkness gets even more angry now, but so do you. It’s a fight you think will never end. But you keep kicking, keep swimming, because there’s something out there that calls for you, that screams for you, that cries for you. Something that needs you. To your own surprise, you notice the Darkness getting weaker, like it understands your determination, but it doesn’t let go. But with every kick, you see the Light coming closer, hear the voices becoming louder, even feel the hands on yours and on your face. The Darkness is screaming now, screaming in desperation. Please stay, you! You’re my friend! Don’t leave me! I don’t want to be alone! You falter for a moment, feeling sorry. It’s not Darkness’s fault. Darkness loves you, Darkness does not hurt you like Light will.

“Daddy!”

I’m sorry.

And finally it lets go and you feel free, so free. It’s not far now and just when you want to look back one more time, you can feel the Light pulling at you now instead. Surging you through a world of dizzying colours, of deafening noises and blurred images. And just when you think you cannot take it anymore, that you were indeed better off in the Dark, it becomes silent. You realize that you’re floating only just below the surface. There are people talking to you, encouragingly.

“You can do it, buddy, just open your eyes!” One speaks, excited. If it were only that simple, you would have done it sooner. Your eyes feel like they are not a part of you. So do your hands, legs and everything else that had once belonged to your own free will. Free will. It has been a while since you’ve possessed anything even close to that.

There’s another voice too, just as excited, but a little calmer than the first one.

“It’s okay, Bri, we can take this nice and slow. There’s no rush alright?” It promises, and you know you love the voice. It squeezes your hand and you try your best to squeeze it back, with all the strength you can muster. Disappointingly, that isn’t much, but the voice is satisfied.

“He can hear us!” it calls out, and you hear the other voices mumble interested. “Bri, can you hear me?” the voice tries for good measure.

You want to scream, yes, you want them to know you’re doing everything you can, you want to tell them to please have patience, but all that comes out is a muffled groan. To your surprise, it gets your bystanders even more excited. You hear them laugh in relief, feel their hands on your body, trying to make sure you know they are there. But you’re not looking for encouraging hands, for calming voices. You want to hear it again, that one thing that has freed you from the Dark.

“Daddy! Wake up Daddy!” it calls and in rush of your last reserve of energy, you comply.

There’s too much Light to keep your eyes open for long, but it’s long enough to see the young face, full of wonder, the blonde, messed up curls that are tickling your face. There’s a huge smile on the face and it resolutely plants its lips on your brow.

“Good Daddy,” it confirms and drops to your chest, resting its head there in a satisfied manner.

You give a deep sigh of exhaustion, the blinding Light tiring your eyes. You want to go back to sleep, but you’re afraid. Afraid that the Darkness will pull you back again, that you’re not strong enough to fight it.

“It’s okay, Rok, go to sleep. You need rest,” one voice promises roughly and you realize your eyes are already closed again. The voice seems to trust you, but the problem is, you don’t trust yourself. You try to open your eyes again, only managing tiny slits now. Doesn’t the voice understand how scared you are? That if you go to sleep now, you might never wake up again? The Darkness is pulling again, it saw its chance and is making good use of it. You try to fight it, afraid the Dark is still mad at you for escaping. It’s getting harder though and you blink a few times, trying to stay awake.

“It’s alright, I know you’re tired, Bri. You did great,” there is a smile in the voice and you realize it’s the same voice as the one that told you to take it nice and slow, “You can rest now.”

You finally decide to trust the voice and you try to relax, letting the Darkness have its way. The Dark is not mad, not at all, it promises. Because it’s your friend, and friends do not hurt you.