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14th of November 2005

“So are you coming or not?” Howie’s voice blasted through my ears and I jumped slightly. We were in the middle of Livingston, New Jersey. We’d had a day off, due to a funeral of a relative of the studio’s owner. Despite that fact, everyone seemed in a good mood. We’d been working none stop on the new material for over three days and a little break seemed more than welcome.

For them.

The more I had to work, the less I had to think, it seemed. What was I gonna do with a whole day off? Peter hadn’t bothered me in two days and I was extremely glad for that, but on the other hand, I had no idea what he had been doing instead.

“Huh?” I replied lamely. I didn’t want to admit I had completely tuned out from the conversation, but Howie wasn’t fooled. Howie was never fooled.

“I asked if you’re coming or not? Where is your mind lately, dude?” Howie asked again, giving me a curious look.

“I-I don’t know,” I said, trying to focus on his face, “Where are we going?”

“Nick’s dragging us to the movies,” Howie said with a smile.

“I’m not coming with you,” I decided, only then noticing how tired I really was, “But have fun.”

“What, why not?”

I just shrugged, said something about a headache and took the bus back to the hotel. It was perfect; nobody would expect me to take the bus. Not at all Peter. I walked the rest of the way, closing my eyes against the glaring winter sun. It was chilly and sunny all at the same time, and I shoved my hands into my pockets as I approached the slide doors.

“So nice of you to finally drop by,” a voice hissed and I had about two seconds to stop dead in my tracks before two large hands grabbed my arms and hauled me back. Before I could scream, Peter clamped a hand over my mouth and stared at me angrily.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” he barked roughly, not at all phased by my weak attempt to struggle out of his grip. “We’re gonna go in, and pretend like it’s the most normal thing in the world, got that?”

When I didn’t answer him immediately, he shook me wildly and I glared furiously at him, but nodded eventually.

“Good,” he smiled maliciously. He let go of my mouth and looked down at me, “You look like shit.”

I did not want to give him the satisfaction of a reaction, so I just kept glaring at him while he led us through the lobby of the hotel. By now I was absolutely petrified to know what he was doing here and what he was going to do.

But I also figured that as long as he was here, he couldn’t be with my family. I threw some of the hotel employees a desperate, pleading look, but all they did is look at me as if I'd grown three extra heads.

So much for faith in people.

I don’t know when I start praying. Maybe it’s in the elevators, maybe a little after that. All I know is that Peter doesn’t really like it. I didn’t care about that.

The impending feeling of something really bad that was going to happen kept getting stronger. I cursed myself over and over again for not checking in with security today.

“Open the door,” Peter ordered impatiently as I fumbled with the key card.

“Hold on!” I snarled, “Jeez!”

As we both filed into the room, I immediately knew he’d been there. The pit in my stomach grew double its size as I took in the various items he’s carefully lined up on the bed’s headboard.

“W-what’s this?” I mumbled, involuntarily taking a step back. I looked back just in time to see Peter closing the door and locking it. I terrible sense of claustrophobia crept up as I watched him get closer with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”

“I really wish it didn’t have to come to this,” Peter sighed, looking at the ground.

“Come to what? What’s going on?” I asked, panicked. My voice was shrill and sounded strained as I pushed the words out.

“You wanna save your family, don’t you?” Peter said, this time looking directly at me.

I took a few more steps back, until my back connected with the door. I really did not like where this was going. I had been thinking about taking a vacation. Far away from the group, from America, from Peter…

Australia would have done just fine.

“You’ve gotta do it, Brian, you’ve gotta do it for them.”

I frowned, not understanding then. His gaze averted and settled on the bottles that were lined up on the bed. I swallowed nervously. What was he talking about?

“I’ll do it too,” Peter’s voice was soft, as if he was trying to comfort me, “It’s the only way, Bri.”

I shuddered at the nickname, my gaze on the bottles now as well. Frowning, I slowly realized what he was implying.

“What?” I shrieked, “No!”

“It’s the only way, Brian! You know that! It’s the only way we can be together!”

“I don’t want that, Peter!” I growled, disgusted. Turning around, I helplessly fumbled with the doorknob, hoping it would just magically open.

“You want them to be safe, don’t you?” Peter yelled and in two strides he was facing me, planting his palm forcefully against the door next to my head. I flinched in surprise.

“I-I…”

“Cause I can promise you, I will never stop hunting them down. Not your family, or your friends, or anyone you’ve ever even known. You can’t keep them safe forever. You know that. I have time enough, I can track them down, you don’t stand a chance,” Peter didn’t smile, but there was a malicious glint in his eyes that assured me he was serious.

“You’re insane,” I breathed, searching desperately for a way out. I felt the tears glistening in my eyes. “I’m not doing it.”

“Oh, but you will,” Peter stated soberly, “It’s just a matter of pressure. I don’t want to get my hands dirty, but I will if I have to. I’ve got nothing to lose. Do you?”

“You can’t force me to do this,” I said. I was trying to buy time, though I knew it was a long shot. Somewhere, I still hoped the movie the others had gone to wasn’t worth watching the whole way through. Somewhere, I still hoped that one of them had forgotten something and was forced to return to their hotel room. Somewhere, I still hoped one of them was wondering why I acted so weird all the time.

“You’d be surprised at what you can actually force people to do, if you’ve got the right leverage,” Peter smiled, almost apologetic. “I don’t think we’ve got to use violence for this, right?”

I clenched my jaw, tearing my gaze away from his face to stare at the bed. I swallowed back my tears and took a shaky breath. “If I do this, they’ll be safe? You’re not gonna hurt them?”

Peter gave me an encouraging smile, “I’ll be right behind you,” he promised softly.

Did I really want to do this? Did I care little enough about myself to keep them safe? Was that a question?

“Okay,” I said, biting my lip, “Okay, I’ll do it.”

“I can help you, if you like,” Peter suggested quietly. I wanted to scream at him, no, of course I wouldn’t like that! I wouldn’t like any of this! Instead I just managed to nod tightly, the tears definitely streaming down now. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, because if I took the time to do that, I would also realize what I was about to do.

The worst part of dying is knowing you are.

“You gotta make sure it works,” I heard Peter whisper, his face mere inches from mine. When had that happened? “You can’t just take the pills, they’re not enough.”

I kept my mouth shut, feeling my heart trying to leap out of my chest. A painful crash echoed from the bathroom. How had it come to this? It was definitely not the type of evening I had planned. I had just wanted to go back to my room and take a good night rest. That wasn’t much to ask for, was it? I wondered about this as I saw Peter return from the bathroom with a few shards of glass. His fingers were bloody, which made me assume he had just taken the glass that was in the medicine cabinet and smashed it to pieces.

“We’ll call this insurance,” Peter instructed, holding up the shards for me to see, “First, we’ll take the pills, and if we need to, we’ll use the glass.”

I shot him an expressionless stare. My mind was yelling at me to run, to get the hell out and go all the way to the police station to tell them everything. Another part of my mind was dead tired, and didn’t really care anymore. If this was the only way out, the only way to make sure everybody stayed safe, then so be it.

“Do it for them,” Peter whispered in my ear, “They’ll be fine, I promise.”

It was only in the last possible minute, before Peter opened the bottles, before he set the glass to my arms, that I thought of the note.

“I’ll have to leave a note!” I shrieked.

Peter seemed to think about it for a minute and then nodded. “What are you gonna write?”

I shrugged, “The usual, I guess.”

The code was only an afterthought, a desperate attempt at getting somebody, hopefully Nick’s, attention. A way for them to figure it out, to have peace with what happened. I left the piece of paper on the nightstand and nodded. It looked good that way.

“It won't hurt... Do it, Brian,” Peter whispered again, “Do it for them.”


And I did.
Chapter End Notes:
Let me just say that it doesnt add up entirely with Howie's version of what happened. But why? We'll have to find that out as we go, I guess ;)