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After: You Do Not Deserve It


Nick

Ashley held my hand so tight as we ran into that hospital. Dr. Jorryn pushed the wheel chair with an urgency that made my adrenaline rush seem slow-moving. He got to the double doors leading to the exam rooms and turned so he was going in back-to. "You both need to wait here," Dr. Jorryn said.

Ashley's eyes widened, "No!"

"Just for a couple minutes, sweetie," the nurse said, bending so Ashley could see her. She reached for Ashley's hand, which was clutching mine, "You need to let go, just for a couple minutes and then I'll come out and get them for you."

"Nick!" Ashley wailed. She looked at me, begging me to make them let me in.

"Please," I said.

Dr. Jorryn shook his head, "We'll come get you in just a few moments."

"Come get me rather," Chris said pointedly. "As I'm the father."

Dr. Jorryn looked between Chris and I, "Yes. Well. We'll come get one or both of you, depending how things go in here." He pulled Ashley backwards and her hand slipped from mine.

"NICK!" she shrieked, "Please!"

"I'm gonna be right there, in just a minute, baby, I promise," I shouted as Dr. Jorryn turned her in the hallway on the other side of the doors and they slammed closed, blocking her from view.

I could hear her crying from here.

I covered my face with my hands. "Fuck," I groaned into them. I ran my hands back through my hair, and turned to look at Chris. He was standing just a few feet away, looking riled and dishevelved. It suddenly occurred to me like what shit we both looked like, all banged up from our fight. There was blood on Chris's shirt, though I don't know if it was his, mine, or Ashley's. Maybe all three. My face ached, and I used my hand to feel my jaw, which was really sore from one or two of the punches Chris had thrown back at the apartment.

I'm happy to report that Chris looked a lot worse than I felt, though.

Because, you know, I kicked his ass and stuff.

Chris wandered over and threw himself into a chair. He glowered down at his feet.

I stayed where I was.

Chris looked at the seat next to himself, then up at the reception desk, then glanced at the TV, then back at the seat next to him. He looked up at me. "It's your fault, you know."

"What is?"

"This," Chris said.

"How is this my fault?"

Chris pointed to the seat beside him. "Right here. Right here in this very seat. A year and a half ago, she sat right here, in tears, shaking so hard..." He drew a deep breath. "She was sitting right there when she started to fall for me."

I stared at the seat. I pictured Ashley sitting there.

I pictured Ashley falling in love with Chris as I hung from my seatbelt in the airplane on the front lawn of some suburban house, miles away, my face pressed to the window, the flames scarring my face. I pictured my world turning upside down. I pictured where the story had all begun.

I looked at Chris. "Why couldn't you just have treated her right?"

"Because, if she ever really did love me," he said, "She stopped."

"She chose you," I reminded him.

"Only because she was pregnant."

I sank into the chair next to him.

Chris looked up at the double doors they'd taken Ashley through.

"She didn't really choose me," he said. "If she'd had a choice, it would've been you. She chose you every time she had a choice to make. Every time." He looked over at me. "Even before you were an option, she always chose you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Ashley's chosen you since the day you met her," Chris said simpy. We fell into silence, waiting.




Ashley

The exam room door closed behind Dr. Jorryn. I was sobbing into my hands. "I want Nick," I begged, "Please, I need him."

"I'll go get him in just a second," he said, "But first we need to talk." He came over and helped me up out of the wheel chair awkwardly. I clutched my stomach. Almost as soon as I stood up, a pain ripped through me and I doubled forward, shrieking. "Steady... steady..." Dr. Jorryn held me up, he didn't complain as I held so tight to his hand that I thought for sure it must be near breaking.

When the pain had passed, I loosened my grip on him, and the nurse swooped in and helped me change from my sweats and tank top to one of those ugly gowns with the weird floral stripey prints.

Dr. Jorryn helped hoist me onto the exam table, and to get my legs into those terrible stirrups, and he pulled over a swiveling stool and he was suddenly down there, under the gown, his fingers touching me.

I grabbed the nurse by the wrist, "Please, I need Nick. Please."

She looked at me apologetically.

The doctor ducked back out. "Okay Ashley, the bad news is that it looks like you've got a ways to go," he said, pulling his gloves off his hands. "The good news is you're far enough along for the epidural." He smiled reassuringly at me. "It's going to be okay."

"It hurts so bad, though," I said.

"I know." Dr. Jorryn picked up an ipad from the counter behind him and looked it over carefully. "McKenna, will you please run and get me an epidural kit?" The nurse nodded and hurried out of the exam room. Dr. Jorryn looked at me. "Let's get you numbed up, shall we?"

"Oh God yes, please." I nodded. "Can I have Nick now?"

He rolled the stool over closer to my head end and took a deep breath. He took my arm and turned it so he could see some of the bruising and swelling. "What happened?" he asked, running his hand across my skin.

I looked at my legs.

"Ashley," Dr. Jorryn said quietly.

I licked my lips.

"Is he hurting you?" Dr. Jorryn asked.

"Nick would never hurt me," I said quickly, horrified at the very thought, "Nick is the most gentle, amazing man in the entire --"

"What about the other one."

"Chris," I said.

"Is Chris hurting you?"

I fell silent.

Dr. Jorryn studied me. "How long?" he asked, not needing an explicit answer.

"I deserved it." I looked up at Dr. Jorryn, "He really didn't mean to. He just... I pushed him... I all but cheated on him... well, I have cheated on him now... I just... I mean... I..." I broke down, my shoulders shaking. Another pain rocked through me, and Dr. Jorryn squeezed my hands tight in his own as I cried out.

Dr. Jorryn took my hand. "Ashley," he said quietly, "You do not deserve it."

"But --"

"You do not deserve it," he said firmly. He said it so heavily, so finally, that I almost believed him.

I looked up at him with pleading eyes, "I beg you," I said, "I need Nick."

Dr. Jorryn nodded. "As soon as McKenna gets back with your epidural kit, I'll have her get him."

I nodded.

"It's going to be okay, Ashley," he said. "We're going to help you."