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Before: Kick in the Belly


Ashley

I put the envelope on top of the desk in the spare bedroom at Nick's house and left it there. I could tell it was bothering Nick that it hadn't been opened because every morning that week he stopped at my door and looked over at the envelope longingly.

The pattern of me getting up early to relax with Nacho until Nick staggered down the hall a couple hours later to let him then chase after him for 30 minutes outside repeated every day, though Nick remembered to put on sweatpants after the first day. Nick would come help me up off the couch without even being asked before going out after the dog and come back in excited for his breakfast, which I cooked while listening to the sound of his laughter and calls for Nacho through the window.

I liked that I was falling into a routine. I liked that the routine was with Nick.

But there was this nagging, underlying guilt that went with it. And I felt that guilt everytime my baby shifted, every time he-or-she kicked me.

Nick and I were sitting on the couch one night, watching March of the Penguins on TV, Nacho laying across my lap, snuggled into me, when the baby kicked and Nacho sprang up and growled at my stomach. Nick looked over, "The fuck Nacho?"

"The baby kicked him," I said, laughing. Nacho looked warily at my stomach and trotted over Nick's lap and sank onto the small space between Nick's hip and the arm of the couch, his eyes on me, like the baby might come out swinging at him at any moment.

"The baby -- what?" Nick looked perplexed.

"The baby's kicking around in there and Nacho was really close so he felt it," I laughed.

Nick looked at my stomach, he looked up at me. "It's kickin?" he asked, his voice interested in a hesitant this-is-weird kind of way.

"Yeah," I said, "You wanna feel?"

Nick looked like he wasn't sure. He licked his lips, weighing the options, then put the remote down on the coffee table and turned to face me and stuck out his hand and put it on top of my stomach. "Not there," I said, "That's too high." I took his hand and guided it lower... lower...

I saw Nick's eyes widen.

I stopped at the bottom of my stomach and Nick had his eyes closed.

We sat like that for several long moments. Then the baby kicked and Nick's eyes popped open, wide, and a look somewhere between being freaked out and really excited came on his face. It was exactly how I'd always pictured he'd look if he got abducted by aliens - like holy crap but YES THEY DO EXIST!

"Holy shit," he said, laughing as the baby kicked against his hand again, "That's so cool."

I laughed as he leaned closer, like he was trying to see if he could see the kicks or something. "What'cha doing there?" I asked. He had his head in my lap, looking at my stomach.

"I wanna talk to it," he said.

"You going for acoustics?"

Nick laughed. "Hey in there..." The baby kicked back. He grinned. "Hey it's answering me. Think it's speaking in morse code?"

"According to the user manual, all babies come equipped with morse code," I answered dryly.

"There's a user manual?" Nick looked up.

I snorted. "No," I laughed. "I'm just kidding."

"Oh." Nick turned back to my stomach. "Your momma's making funna me," he said.

Kick kick kick.

Nick's grin was wide.

I watched him laying there, talking to my stomach, laughing as the baby kicked imaginary answers to his questions, the creases in his skin around his eyes folding with his smile... and I felt like my heart might explode. In all the months that my stomach had been growing and the baby had been getting bigger and bigger in there, Chris had never once taken the time to do this. The first time the baby kicked and I'd told Chris, so excited, he'd replied, that's creepy as shit and refused to feel the baby.

"I'm your uncle Nick, by the way," Nick was saying to my stomach, "And I'm gonna love you a whole lot, okay? If you're a boy I'll teach ya how to get alla the ladies... if you're a girl, I'll kick every guy who tries to use my moves on you in the nads..."

"Nickolas, don't teach my unborn baby dirty words," I scolded.

Nick laughed, grinning up at me. He leaned back up, on his knees beside me on the couch, hand still on my belly. He leaned forward... eyes closed... and kissed me.

It wasn't a long kiss, or a terribly romantic, wet one or anything like that. In fact, it was rather brief and innocent in nature, and he pulled away only slightly, our lips still touching, his eyes still closed... "You're amazing," he breathed, so softly that I only just heard the words, and I wasn't entirely positive I was meant to. He shifted, backing away completely, sitting back where he'd been on the couch before.

I stared at the TV.

"Ashley," he said. I closed my eyes. I could feel tears burning them, trying to escape. I swiped the tears from my eyes. "Why are you crying?" he asked, "Oh no, did I do something stupid again? I'm sorry," Nick said thickly. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

I turned to look at him, "You're just so... so..."

"What? An asshole? Douchebag? Jerkoff? What am I?"

"Look at you!" I said, and my tone was coming out more angry than I meant for it to, "Feeling the baby kick, talking to it... letting me stay here, feeding me, taking me to get my stuff..." I waved my hand at the TV, "Watching god damn penguin movies with me..."

He looked at the TV, then turned back to me, shrugging. "Crazy? Stupid? Annoying?" He paused, thinking, "Ashley... am I being a dick?"

"You are so fucking perfect."

Nick blinked at me.




Nick

Nacho was scratching at the backdoor, begging to go outside. I got up, peeling myself away from her reluctantly, "I'm coming Nacho," I said. I looked at Ashley, "Need help up before I bring DingDong out?" I asked.

Now that I was up off the couch, Ashley looked... I dunno, sad. She nodded, "Yeah, I think I need to go to bed."

I pulled her up off the couch carefully. It sounds stupid, but I really liked being able to help her in little ways. I liked that she needed me for something. Because Ashley's so strong that it seems like she hardly ever needs anything. I saw helping her off the couch as a priviledge more than a duty. I put my hands on her back to steady her, and I stared into her eyes. "I hope you aren't mad at me," I said.

Ashley shook her head, "I'm not mad at you."

Nacho scratched at the glass door and whimpered. "I'm comin' Nacho, hold on a second," I said. I looked into Ashley's eyes, "Are you okay?"

She nodded.

"You sure?"

Ashley took a deep breath, "I just... I feel... guilty."

"Guilty?"

"Yes, and also happy. But guilty. Mostly happy, though."

I stared at her, "That's a lot to feel at once."

Nacho whined.

Ashley looked at the door, at the sunsetting on the horizon of the water. "How many steps is it to the beach?" she asked.

I looked over my shoulder, "Not many..."

"Can I go out with you an Nacho?"

"Of course you can." I held her hand and led her slowly to the door. Nacho slipped out the moment the door was open enough for him to squeeze through. I grabbed a flashlight off the table by the door and Ashley followed me out onto the porch and we went down the stairs one at a time together to the soft beach sand below. We both kicked off our shoes and walked across the sand, the flashlight illuminating our feet. Nacho ran circles around us, kicking up dirt and barking at the few gulls that were left out there.

Ashley took a deep breath of the salty air.

"So why do you feel guilty and happy?" I asked.

"Because of Chris," she replied. "I'm happy because of you, guilty because of Chris."

I sighed. I hated thinking that she still felt something like loyalty to him, after everything he'd done to her. "My dad hit my mom once," I said.

Ashley looked up at me. "You never told me that."

"It scared the piss out of me," I said. "Literally. I wet the bed for like a week."

"What was the fight about?" she asked.

"My dad had a bad day at work, and my mom couldn't get Aaron and Angel to sleep and Aaron was screaming bloody murder all evening, and my dad got pissed and he was yelling at Aaron to shut up and of course the more he yelled the louder Aaron screamed and my mom told him not to yell at the baby, and my dad just whomped her good right into the wall. Backhanded her, you know?"

Ashley stared up at me. We stopped walking. I shoved my hands in my pockets. I'd never told anyone this before in my whole life. "What happened then?" Ashley asked.

I looked at Ashley. "Well, I told my dad not to touch her again, and he left."

"Nick Carter, protecting women since 1987," Ashley said.

I laughed mildly. Then I looked up at her. "He never did it a second time. He didn't dare to. But my mom said later, when they got a divorce, that was the night she stopped loving him. Because any man who would hit a woman wasn't a man."

Ashley drew a deep breath. "He's just so jealous..." she shook her head. "He just wants me to love him so bad, he'd do anything to make it so, and when I don't, it just... he gets so angry..."

"He can't force you to love him."

"I want to love him like he wants me to," she replied, "At least I did. I wanted to all last year..." Ashley's eyes looked up at me. "Then that night... those twelve hours, Nick... when it was you and me and we drove to Nevada and..." she laughed, "And you bought those condoms..."

"Hey I still have those," I joked.

"I just realized there's nobody in the world that I love the way I love you, you know?"

I stopped chuckling from my joke.

"But I had to love him, because..." she put her hands on her stomach. "You know?"

"For the baby," I muttered.

"For the baby," she nodded, "But he just... I don't know, he knew it was an obligation, I guess, and it was never good. He was just always waiting for me to run away to Vegas with you again, I guess."

"It doesn't make what he did any better," I said.

"No, but it's the psychology behind it," Ashley answered.

Nacho trotted over and sat at our feet, staring up at us, tired from having run in circles while we talked, or else confused because I wasn't chasing after him for once.

"You know my mom stayed with my dad because of Aaron and Angel, and Leslie was young then, too..." I said. "BJ and I were old enough to know better. That's why BJ's so close to my mom. But the younger three, they didn't know what was going on. They only saw the results. My parents fought all the time, and it wasn't worth it because they weren't happy and we weren't happy. Nobody ended up happy."

Ashley bit her lip.

"My point is, if you're happy, Ashley, your baby's gonna be happy, too."

"But a baby needs a father," she said thickly. "I don't want my baby not to have anyone."

"Your baby has me," I said.

Ashley stared up at me.

"You both will always have me."