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Before: Emergency Cigarettes


Ashley

Nick was seriously scaring me. He was an emotional wreck. I literally don't think I'd ever seen him act this way before in all of the years that I've known him. He rushed me out into the garage, body-blocking me the way his bodyguards do at concerts, and he made me duck down in the car as much as I could, made me cover my head. He ran to the driver's side and opened the garage door and backed up down the driveway so fast I felt like I was on some kind of crazy ass amusement park ride. His tires squealed on the pavement of the street as he turned and drove away.

I stared back at the house, at the open garage door, at the sliver of the ocean visible from the front yard, and I wondered where Chris was, if he'd intended to kill Nacho, if he'd intended that bullet for Nick or for me or if he'd even intended to shoot the gun at all or if it was just a negotiation tool.

There was no telling.

Nick drove in a crazy pattern, making loops around city block as we travelled north toward AJ's house. He kept muttering about losing him, getting him off our trail. When he was sure we weren't being followed, he drove quickly to AJ's, and called the cops as he drove. I clutched the handle over the door and kept my hand on my stomach. I really, really had to pee. The baby was sitting on my bladder, but I knew there was no stopping Nick at this point. He'd be as likely to let me into a public restroom alone right now as he would be to spontaneously combust, and honestly I think combustion was more likely given his current state.

When we finally got to AJ's house, Nick practically leaped out of the car, helped me out, and, doing the body-blocking thing again, he led me up to the front door. I put my hands on my stomach and twisted my legs, jiggling, trying to hold it, because I mean my back teeth were floating for crying outloud. Nick knocked violently, urgently on the door. He kept glancing back over his shoulder.

"Nick he's not coming here, relax," I begged him.

Nick didn't reply. He knocked again, even harder and more urgently. If he knocked much harder, his knuckles would probably break. Or he'd break the door maybe or something.

It took a few minutes, but finally the door opened and AJ was standing there in these stripey pajamas like they wore in 50s sitcoms. He stared at us for a long moment. "What the fuck...?" he asked.

"Let us in, I'll explain inside," Nick said. AJ stepped out of the way and Nick ushered me in quickly, "Close the door," Nick snapped.

AJ raised an eyebrow and closed it, locked it when Nick glowered, and followed us as Nick pushed me further into the house.

"Bathroom," I begged.

AJ pointed, "Down that way, third door on the left."

I bolted down the hallway he'd indicated. I pulled open the bathroom door and hurried inside. It wasn't until after, when I was washing my hands, that I really started letting everything sink in. And by everything, I mean everything. I mean, I'd woken up to the sound of the gunshot, naked in Nick's bed. I'd gone from severe stomach cramps to incredible sex with Nick to utmost horror hearing that gun shot -- I'd thought for sure it was Nick when I heard it, I thought for sure when I got to that kitchen I would find Chris -- to AJ's house. I felt dizzy at the recap. I turned on AJ's sink and splashed my face with water.

There was a knock on the door.

I opened it. Rochelle was standing there. She ducked into the bathroom and closed the door again. "Are you okay?" she asked, worry in her eyes.

I nodded.

"Nick just told me and AJ what happened," Rochelle said. She looked me over. "Ashley, I'm so sorry. I knew Chris was being controlling, but I didn't know he was hurting you." She had tears in her eyes. "You must be so scared."

I nodded.

"Oh honey.. c'mere." Rochelle wrapped her arms gingerly around me. And I bawled like a baby because it was the closest thing to a hug from a mom that I'd had in years. I pressed my face into her tattooed shoulder and she rubbed my back as she spoke, "I can't even imagine how scary this all must be for you. It must be so hard..."

"I keep thinking if I'd just go back to him this craziness would stop and everyone would be safe," I sobbed, "If I'd just gone back before, Nacho wouldn't be dead.."

Rochelle's voice was concerned, "No... No," she said firmly, then, "No."

"But if I was just with him, he wouldn't be stalking around Nick's house in the middle of the night, he wouldn't be trying to get to me, he'd have me and he'd be happy..."

Rochelle shook her head, "Sweetie, you can't go back to him and magically fix everything, it doesn't work like that."

I was shaking. "But he's after me, right, I'm what he wants, so maybe it's better if we just let him have me, like a sacrificial thing. I don't know."

Rochelle guided me so I was sitting on the edge of the bath tub, and she sat on the closed toilet lid. She had her hands on my shoulders, "No," she said, "You are not some sacrificial lamb, Ashley."

"It would be so much easier, and I'm not important, not as important as you guys being safe," I choked.

Rochelle shook her head, "You have no idea how much you mean to Nick if you think for even one second that's true. He called us up almost everyday last year asking for advice about how to tell you he loved you. After he ran out of the wedding, me and AJ had to pick the guy up off the front lawn of the church. I'm not even kidding you. He's been a wreck since you've been gone. That man loves you so much that he let you go because he wanted you to be happy, and then he finds out six months later that you aren't happy... and I mean that's all I knew about it before tonight, but I knew he was devastated that you were unhappy. That's all that man wants in the world is your happiness..."

I felt a tear cross my cheek. "Chris said that's all he wanted, too," I croaked the words.

"Chris loved you at one point, but something's changed in him, sweetie, and I don't think he is capable of doing anything more than hurting you now." Rochelle's voice shook. "There's no love where there is fear because love does not cause fear."

My throat ached.

Rochelle pulled me into her hug again. "So don't even talk about going back. Please. We all love you too much for that."

I nodded.




Nick

AJ was sitting on the third step up on the stair well. I was pacing the foyer. He was staring at his feet. "I can't believe he shot your dog," AJ muttered. He was patting one of the member of his menagerie as he said this.

I couldn't even think about Nacho right now. I felt so sick to my stomach at the thought that the last thing I'd thought about the lil guy was that he was a lil fucker for not coming in the house. I hated the thought that I'd never run after him on the beach trying to get him inside or hear him bark at the TV when someone said "hello" in just the right tone. I doubled my pacing time.

"Nick, sit down," AJ pleaded, "You're gonna get dizzy man."

"I can't sit," I said.

"You're so high strung right now, Jesus," AJ muttered. He looked around. "C'mon."

"What?"

"Come with me." AJ said. He went out to the kitchen, grabbed a box off the top of his fridge, opened it to reveal a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, and waved for me to follow him out the back door. We stepped into AJ's wide backyard and we sat down on these squat, yellow plastic chairs beside a plastic kitchen that had a bunch of plastic food scattered across the plastic counter and on the ground. AJ lit up and handed the pack and the lighter to me. "Rochelle made me quit, but this is the emergency pack," he explained.

I lit the cigarette and took a long drag.

I already felt better.

AJ leaned back, tipping the plastic chair under him.

"So how's it been going? Like before tonight obviously. It's hell, the pregnant ladies, ain't it? Rochelle was so emotional when she was knocked up, it was crazy man..."

"You were emotional too," I accused.

AJ grinned.

"Actually... we um. We had sex. Tonight. Before."

AJ sat forward, the chair clunked on the patio. "No shit, get out, did you?"

I nodded.

"What's that mean?" AJ asked. "Are you like, you know, together now?"

I shrugged, "I don't know."

"Did you say shit, like that you could maybe be together? Did you guys talk about it or just you know do it like wild rabbits?"

I laughed, "AJ..."

"I need to know this shit, man."

"Well she had cramps and the guy at the pharmacy said the heating pad wasn't the best solution but that sex works and we tried a heating pad but it didn't work and so... we kinda decided sex was an okay remedy... and... we said it was just for the baby, to stop the cramps but..." I bit my lip.

AJ's eyes were wide.

"I told her I loved her."

"Like during?" AJ whispered.

I nodded.

"Oh shit, Nick, it's about fucking time you two hooked up. It's about fucking time." He leaned back again, grinning, "Ohhh shit."

I took another drag off the cigarette, a long one, and puffed the smoke out slowly.

AJ looked over at me. "So where are you guys gonna go?"

"I don't know," I answered.

"Well you're welcome to stay here," he offered.

It was tempting, but then I looked around the backyard, at Ava's toys everywhere, and I thought about how AJ and Rochelle just open their back door and let her out to play and how I'd done the same with Nacho and the thought scared the shit out of me and I shook my head, "No. We can't stay here. In fact, I'm not even sure we should've come here at all." I stood up.

AJ stood up, too, "What? Of course you can come here. We're family, bro."

"Yeah, I know," I said, "But Chris knows that, too."

AJ stared at me.

"I'm sorry," I said, "We need to go to a hotel." The panic was starting to set in again. I threw my cigarette down and scraped it out with my toe.

AJ followed me into the house once he'd put out his own cigarette, and I went to the bathroom door and knocked and Rochelle called, "Be right out."

AJ leaned against the wall. "Did you call the cops?"

I nodded. "On the way over."

The bathroom door opened and Rochelle and Ashley came out, both bleary eyed. Ashley looked me over, then came over and wrapped her arms around me, burying her face in my shoulder. I squeezed her closer to me, laying my cheek against the top of her head. She felt so soft. "We gotta go to a hotel," I said quietly.

Rochelle sniffed AJ. "Have you been smoking?"