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Before: Negotiate


Ashley

I got the first text around ten-thirty that night.

We need to talk.

I stared at my phone, marveling at the balls it took for Chris to contact me right now after what he'd done.

I glanced over at Nick, who was mostly asleep on the couch, his eyes drooping, head nodding forward, then waking himself up to look around, a slight panic to his eyes. He always grabbed for my arm when he woke up. Like he wanted to make sure I was still there. Then he'd nod off again.

I texted Chris back. I have nothing to say to you.

Please.

I sighed.

Carefully, because I didn't want to wake Nick up, I struggled until I was at the edge of the sofa and rolled myself up onto my feet. It felt weird not to have Nacho jump up and follow me and I felt anger rise up in my gut. Oh I'd talk to Chris alright, I'd talk to his ass real damn good. I waddled down the hallway slowly, checking back over my shoulder that Nick hadn't woken up, and locked myself in the bathroom.

For good measure, because I knew Nick would get pissed if he knew what I was doing right now, I turned on the shower.

Then I dialed Chris's speed dial number.

"What?" I said.

Chris's voice was pleading. "I need to talk to you. In person."

"You're lucky you got a phone call."

"Please. Come back to me. I'm sorry."

"Go to hell."

Chris's voice was desperate, "Ashley I need you, I need you, please! I've been going crazy without you. You keep me stable. You're the only person I could ever be with, you're the only one that I love. I need you in my life. I love you so much, the thought of losing you makes me want to kill myself."

"You mean instead of killing dogs?" I said pointedly.

"I didn't mean to hurt the dog."

"You shot him, how could you not mean to hurt him?"

"I was aiming for Nick," he replied sharply.

I felt my skin crawl. So Nick was right. If it hadn't been for Nacho, then Chris would've killed him. I almost threw up. I somehow managed to keep my voice level, "Why are you doing this, why can't you just..." I couldn't even come up with words to finish the sentence, my voice broke and I stayed silent.

"What? Just let you go? I love you too much for that." Chris sighed, "I can't let you go I can't stand the thought of you not in my life. Ashley, I love you. Don't you see that?"

"No I see that you enjoy hurting me," I answered.

"Only when you've earned it. It's like a little kid Ashley, they do wrong and they get a spanking."

"I'm not a little kid."

"Ashley," he begged, "I love you."

"Just leave me and Nick alone, please," I begged, "Please. If you love me then love me enough to let me go."

Chris's voice was thick, "I can't do that Ashley. I won't let him have you. I refuse to let him have you. He doesn't deserve you after what he did to you."

It took me a moment to realize what Chris was talking about, that he was still pissed about Nick kissing that other girl after having sex with me in Las Vegas. It was so long ago, and so much had happened since, that I'd not only forgiven Nick but I'd completely forgotten it'd ever happened. He'd proven himself a thousand times since.

"Who the hell are you to talk about not deserving me after what's been done to me, Christopher?" I snapped.

"I need you, Ashley. Nick doesn't need you. He doesn't love you. It's a challenge to him to see if he can win you, and when he does he's gonna throw you away like you're nothin'. He doesn't love you like I do, whatever he says. Please, don't make a mistake. Don't leave me."

There was a knock on the door. "Ashley? You in there?"

"Be right out!" I called.

Chris's voice was cold, "Is that him?"

"I need to go."

"Tell him if he doesn't leave you the fuck alone --," Chris hissed.

"He doesn't need to leave me alone, you do," I replied.

"Tell him to keep his fucking dirty hands off my wife," Chris snapped.

"Ashley?" Nick called, "Who are you talking to?" Concern was in his voice.

"Good-bye Chris," I said.

"I'll fucking kill him!" Chris bellowed as I hung up the phone.

My hands were shaking. I didn't like how serious he'd sounded as he'd said the words. This was too quickly becoming far too... I dunno, it felt like General Hospital or something. I couldn't believe I was legitimately living these moments.

My phone vibrated in my hand. I looked down. I'm serious. I'll fucking kill him.

I felt my stomach twist. Please just leave us alone, please don't hurt him. Please Chris.

"ASHLEY?" Nick sounded really worried now.

I may be willing to negotiate with you.

"I'll be right ---"

Nick opened the bathroom door. "Are you okay?" He looked at the shower, running away by itself, and at me, sitting on the closed toilet seat. The bathroom was steamy.

"I'm okay," I replied.

Nick looked around the room some more, panic still in his eyes. "I thought...." he stopped and let his voice trail off. "Nevermind. I'm being stupid." He took a deep breath of steam-filled air. "What's with the sauna effect?"

"I just felt dry in my sinuses," I lied.

Nick accepted this, though I don't know if he believed me or not. He took a deep breath then looked at his watch. "Are you tired? I'm tired. I think it's bed time."

"Go ahead, I'll be right there."

"Okay." He hovered in the doorway a moment longer, then turned and left the bathroom.

Negotiate how? I typed back.




Nick

Ashley came to bed a few minutes later. She crawled onto the bed and pulled the covers up to her chin, laying there, staring up at the ceiling. I went to put my arms around her and she muttered, "Not tonight, Nick."

"I wasn't trying anything," I said, "Just... hugging."

Ashley was quiet.

"You sure you're okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied thickly.

I nudged myself closer to her. She didn't say anything. I could tell something was wrong, but she obviously didn't wanna talk about it, so I just stayed still, trying to send her telepathic messages that when she was ready I'd be there for her.

The next morning, Ashley was still not very... Ashley-like. I tried to make her smile, but nothing was working.

It was about one in the afternoon when Ashley came into the kitchen, where I was signing the last of the contracts to release myself from tour obligations with the Backstreet Boys, and said, "Would it bother you if I went out for a little bit?"

I looked up from the contracts, "Out?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. "You know. Out."

I stared at her. "Why would I mind if you went out?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, you were talking some big stuff the other night about protecting me, I didn't know if you were allowing me out of the house," she said. "Chris never liked me leaving the house without him."

"I'm not controlling you," I said, my feelings hurt that she'd think I was even slightly like Chris. "I wouldn't stop you from going somewhere. I just want you to be safe..." I paused. "Where are you going?"

Ashley shrugged. "Just... you know... out."

"Did you want me to take you? Drop you off somewhere?" I asked.

She shook her head.

"You sure?"

"I'm positive, I just feel like getting out and being alone for a little while, that's all," she said.

"Okay."

"Maybe I'll call Rochelle and see if she wants to get her nails done," Ashley said.

"You might do better calling AJ," I joked.

Ashley laughed. She looked down at the contracts I was signing. "Wow, so you're doing it for real, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, looking down at them, too. "There's a clause in here says if I back out now I have to wait at least three years before I can rejoin the band if I wish to." I sighed. I ran my hand over the page. "That's the part that scares me to sign. I mean, what if this is just a phase I'm going through and a month from now I'm homesick for the damn bus?" I looked up at Ashley. "You know how I get when I'm off tour."

She nodded.

"What should I do?" I asked her.

Ashley hesitated. "If you don't sign them... you have to go to Europe, don't you?"

I nodded.

Ashley touched her stomach.

"I can't go to Europe right now," I said, turning back to the contracts. I raised my pen.

"Why? You can go to Europe." Ashley's voice was suddenly desperate. "Nick, you should go to Europe!"

"But -- I can't. You and the thing with Chris and --" I put my hand on her belly. "Our baby."

Ashley's eyes filled with tears. She looked up at me. "I just think your hesitation might mean that you need to think about this more, and maybe Europe will be the experience you need to help you make the choice better. And you could always fly back from wherever you are when it's time for the baby. I can call you and tell you. In Europe you'll be --" she paused, "-- you'll be able to make a choice."

I sighed and leaned my head against the counter. There was too many damn ifs, too many catches...

"They're already halfway through that tour, though," I argued. It was amazing how fast the time had flown by since I'd gotten home; the Boys had already been touring for almost two weeks without me, and the only reason AJ had been home at all the night we went over there was because he'd flown home during a five-day break.

"It's not like your fans are gonna rebel against you coming back," Ashley said.

"I'd have to fly over there," I said, "Alone." I couldn't picture being on a plane without someone else there.

Ashley touched my hand, "You can do it."

I looked into her eyes. The way she fiercely believed in me was incredible. I'd never had anyone believe in me like Ashley did. It made me feel like a superhero of some sort, like I was capable of damn near anything. She was like magic. "I don't know if I can stand being apart from you that long," I whispered. "Especially since I only just got you back in my life."

Ashley took a deep breath, "You could live without me, if you had to," she said.

I shook my head. "Maybe, but not happily. You are my happiness. You are my heart."

Ashley's eyes were teary again.

"I love you," I said, and then I put my hands on her belly, "And I love little Aiden or Haley."

Ashley shook her head, "No those names aren't right."

"Noah or Tracy?"

Ashley laughed, "Nick, no."

"Dallas?" I suggested, "That could be a boy or a girl."

"Nickolas."

"Nawh, that's my name."

Ashley laughed. She looked up at me. "I love you. I'd do anything for you, you know that?"

I grinned, "Would you name the baby Brooke? Or Greyson?"

"No," she smiled, then her smile turned into a smirk as she said dryly, "I'd do anything.... but I won't do that."

"Okay Meatloaf," I laughed. Then, "Ohhh... we should have meatloaf for dinner when you get home from out," I said excitedly, and I bounced toward the fridge to see if we had the ingredients.