1:05 a.m.
"I should at least get a conjestural visit."
"We only get one phone call."
I pressed my forehead against the metal jail bars. We were housed in a portion of the jail reserved for the drunk and disorderly. The entire cell smelled like piss.
Even worse, they had taken my lucky t-shirt from me. They promised I'd get it back, but I wasn't sure if the lucky was going to still be there after they all touched it.
"Besides," AJ copied my face smush into the bars. "Your dumbass called your cell and wasted that call."
I groaned. I had puked most of the alcohol, but obviously it hadn't been enough to completely clear my head. "I'm sorry," I sighed. "I mean it sucks being in here but at least I don't have children that have to go to school and tell people their daddy's in jail for breaking and entering a hearse. Hell, you might not even get to see your unborn child ever."
"What?"
I lifted my face away from the bars. "Uh oh."
AJ was on me like a fly on shit. "What do you mean my unborn child?"
I rubbed my neck. "Uh, I don't know what I'm saying. On account of the midget getting me drunk and all."
From the wooden bench along the wall, Elvis gave me the finger.
AJ squinted his eyes. "You know something."
I held up my hands. "I know nothing! Seriously! Ask any of my exes."
"Ro's pregnant?"
I puffed out my cheeks. Damnit, why did she have to tell me of all people? "Maybe."
"I'm going to have another little monkee?"
"I'd hope it's a baby like Ava was. Of course if it's a boy it might have your hairy ass..."
AJ grabbed me and squeezed me. "This is fucking terrific!"
Another set of arms wrapped around me from behind. I got out of AJ's grasp and turned around. Old Mr. Magoo grinned at me with wide black gaps between his remaining teeth.
"Just joining in the hug," he said sweetly. He wiggled his bushy eyebrows at me.
"Sweet Jesus," I muttered. I grabbed the bars and shook them. "HELP!"
From down the hall the big main doors swung open. Heavy footsteps sounded down the hall.
"Alexander James McLean."
"Fuck."
AJ stepped away from the bars just as Ro swooped down like a pissed, good looking vulture.
"What the hell were you thinking?!" she screamed. "You were on TV and I had to get a sitter for Ava and--"
"I love you."
"And you!" She turned her wrath on me. "I told you to keep him safe! What the fuck were you doing while he was joyriding?"
"I was surrounded by zombie girls," I said morosely.
"Baby, baby, baby," AJ said. He crept towards the bass. "Just calm down. The hormones---"
I sucked in a breath. Ro's eyes grew even larger. If they were lasers I'd already have been ash.
"NICK!"
"I'm sorry!" I wailed. "He made me do it!"
"This is fantastic, this is--"
"Shut up," Ro cut him off. She folded her arms. "I should leave both of you in here. Especially you," she said, looking at me. I winced.
"Actually," AJ said, oblivious to the death stare or just immune to it. "We gotta bond out Elvis too. Oh, and Nick's wife."
"El--Nick's what?"
Obviously the thought of freeing Elvis wasn't as unbelievable as me having a wife.
"My wife's over in the girl's part of the jail," I said. "She's totally hot."
"I married Nick and 'cilla in the back of the squad car. Lemme give you my card."
"Holy shit, it's a midget Elvis."
All three of us turned to look at the little dude. He put his hands on his hips.
"Don't be cruel."
"Come with me."
"I can't."
"You've gotta. We haven't done the honeymoon part yet and I'm totally looking forward to it. I can guarantee you that I'm much more exciting in bed than a bald accountant."
Lark stared out across the parking lot. A couple cops were leaning against their cars, talking and eating donuts.
"You sure it's not the alcohol talking?"
"Trust me, after three hours in there, I'm sober. And horny."
She looked over at me. Slowly, she smiled.
"Okay, let's go."
I hugged her to me. She laughed.
"After all, we can't get in more trouble than we did stuck in traffic, right?"
Look for book two, Stuck Like Glue, coming soon!
