"Shit, I think we're moving!"
I was still processing the idea of a midget sized Elvis priest when Lark jumped out of the car. I watched the veil, erm, unveiling in her hand as she carried it and the pink bag to her car. She yanked open her door and climbed inside. A second later her red brake lights came to life.
We were off. We were moving!
I switched back to the radio.
"Traffic is still creeping. This might be one for the history books folks. Helicopters have been dispatched for some aerial footage. For the folks actually stuck in the mess, look up and smile. You're probably gonna be on camera. Of course, you'll be just a pinpoint in this cluster-you-know-what."
The guy started to laugh and I switched him off again. I was convinced he didn't know what he was talking about.
We made it about a quarter mile before we were stopped again.
"Damnit," I muttered.
"Fuck the haters in the fucking eye and pick up the fucking phone stud. Fuck the haters in the fucking eye and---"
"Where are you?"
"Where are you?"
"I'm stuck in traffic and Kevin wants to cut off my nuts. I kinda want to give Ava a brother or sister someday, so I don't like that idea. Where are you in this fucking mess?"
"In good traffic I'm twenty minutes away from the airport," I said. "In this mess, I'm about ten years away."
"Shit, I'm probably right behind you then."
I glanced in the rearview mirror. The old dude looked like he was straining. I knew that fiber bar was gonna be a bad idea.
"Unless you're an old dude with pubes coming outta your ears, I don't think so."
"I'm pube free right now actually."
I groaned. "Dude, I don't need to hear about your manscaping."
"Ro did it."
I squeezed my eyes shut but that just made me picture it even more. "I fucking hate you."
"The sex is so much better when you're smooth."
"I'm hanging up on you."
"No! Let me climb on top of my car and you see if you see me."
"What? Are you nuts? Why didn't you go with the guys anyhow?"
"I stopped by home to see Ava. She was sleeping, but I kissed her cheek and I swear she smiled. Wait a second, I'm sticking you down my pants."
I heard the slamming of a car door and then a zipper being yanked down. Then there was a thud and the sound of sneakers on metal. I heard the zipper a second time.
"You almost fell out. Can you see me?"
I killed the engine again and got out of the car. I shielded my eyes against the setting sun and looked around.
"I'm gonna jump."
"Jump? Jump whe--"
I held the phone away from me as the sneakers landed hard on what sounded like the roof. "Now?" AJ asked breathlessly.
"No. Did you dent your car?"
"Maybe." He did it again.
"How bout now?"
"No!" I said loudly. "Maybe Kev should cut off your nuts. I think you just got lucky with Ada. She's more like Ro anyhow."
"Hey now," I snickered. "We're probably gonna have to share a late ass flight together. Let's not be nasty."
"Fine. Love you fuckhead. Have fun in this fucking traffic."
"You too. Later."
We disconnected and I yanked open my door again. As I did, Lark's door opened.
The leg inched out. "Yeah?"
"I think my car's overheating. Can you check?"
I hesitated. I wasn't a car guy in the sense that I knew a lot about cars. Boats, yes. Cars, no. I knew what a fast car looked and felt like. I also knew what dents and scratches looked like. But I didn't know a lot about fixing an overheating car.
"Sure," I said. I abandoned my car and headed up towards hers.
The inside of the Sonata was just as nice as the outside. The black leather seats had that awesome new car smell. I peeked in and got a nice flash of boob.
"Hey, you could have asked me. I know a thing or two about cars."
I looked in the backseat, following the sound of the voice. My jaw dropped open.
"You weren't kidding about the Elvis."