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Taking Off, Standing Still

8:05 p.m.

Blocks up, hats down
Fiends on these streets
So please pay attention when you comin' around
Because the block got it's eyebrows down, ya heard me

Kevin's ringtone blared through the car. I connected right before it went to voicemail. "I'm still stuck in this fucking traffic," I said quickly.

"Don't do this to me."

Kevin sounded kinda desperate.

"What's wrong?"

There was some shuffling and the sound of a toilet flushing. "I think I'm going to kill my cousin-in-law. I have to sit by her on this whole damn flight because your ass didn't get here on time."

"Wait, what?"

Lark and the mini Elvis were walking along the cars. Elvis was garnering quite a bit of attention. Horns honked all around me as he broke out into a perfect hip-gyrating rendition of "A Little Less Conversation."

"Leighanne thinks that she can still follow Brian around but if they keep their distance it will increase the passion in their relationship."

"Ugh, I don't want to think about her and passion in the same sentence," I complained.

Another flush followed the sound of someone grunting their colon out. Kevin started to gag.

"Did someone shit?"

"You think?"

"Then why aren't you leaving?"

"I can't talk out there. She hears everything."

"You could have pulled the no chicks allowed rule."

Kevin snorted. "In the years I've been gone, I swear to god she thinks she's the fifth member of this group. Why didn't you warn me?"

I snickered. "I did."

He sighed and I knew he was finally accepting the harsh reality that I wasn't going to make it. "You okay out there?"

Lark bent down for something and I got a split second look at a little white thong. My groin tightened. "I'm peachy."

"Is AJ with you?"

"No, but he's stuck in this mess too. He tried jumping on his car, but I couldn't see him."


"He jumped on his car?"

"Does that surprise you?"

"Unfortunately, no."

There was the sound of a door opening and an intercom voice. "They're boarding. Catch the first flight out once you get here. We're on a tight schedule."

"I'll be there before you know it," I said sweetly.

We said a mutual goodbye. I tossed the phone back on the console and scratched my crotch. I was dying of thirst and beginning to think we were all going to die before traffic moved. I opened my door and stepped out. Elvis was doing pretty good. He had reaped a sandwich and a Gatorade already. I lifted my t-shirt and wiped my face.

"Hey, you thirsty, Muscles?"

The voice sounded exactly like Mr. Herbert, the old gay creepy dude from Family Guy. I lowered my shirt slowly, only to see Mr. Magoo gawking at me. He smiled at me, wiggling his big ass bushy eyebrows.

"No thanks," I said. "I--"

"Hey fucker!"

I turned around in surprise. AJ was walking towards me, a big ass grin on his face. He was flanked by about fifteen girls.

"Told you I'd find you!"

At least three of the girls suddenly looked like they were going to faint. I was being looked at like the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. I inched back towards my driver's side door.

"Hey, I saw him first!" Mr. Magoo shouted.

"Get lost old man!" one of the girls shouted. I swear one actually licked her lips. My fingers flexed. I could reach the door handle within seconds. They couldn't get me. I might die in my car, but at least I wouldn't be eaten alive. If I was nice I might even let AJ join me, but then again he was the one that brought the vampires to me. He probably deserved to be sucked dry.

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds. And we can't build our dreams on suspicious minds. Uh-huh-huh!"

Elvis honed in on the girls and gyrated their way. They all seemed to melt at his small cuteness, the way girls coddle anything in miniature scale. AJ suddenly looked so happy that I thought he might piss his pants.

"Holy shit it's a midget Elvis!

I held out my arms.

"Welcome to my life."