"It's been reported that we have some famous friends stuck in the mess on Interstate 5. A mob of girls have descended on a couple of Backstreet Boys about five miles north of L.A. Good luck guys and God Speed."
"If we get out of this alive, I'm going to go to that radio station and punch that guy's nose in."
I peered out between my fingers. AJ was in the backseat of my car breathing down my neck. The car slowly began to rock.
"It's like that time in Brazil all over again."
"Yeah, except the girls want you and not Howie. And no one's cussing in Spanish."
"I knew you two looked familiar!"
Lark shielded her face as an elbow smacked the passenger side window. Her Sonata was no longer visible thanks to the throng of excited girls.
"This just in. Most of the pile-ups have been cleaned up and traffic ahead of the Backstreet Boy mob should start flowing within twenty minutes. For those of you behind the boybanders, you're still going to be there awhile. Police have gotten The Call and are dispatched but can't get through due to the Larger Than Life amount of cars crammed and unable to get out of their way."
The DJ started to laugh. AJ punched the back of my seat so hard I lurched forward.
"I don't know what a Backstreet Boy is uh-huh-huh, but I know the ladies love The King. Am I right ladies?"
"Sit the fuck down or I will rip your sideburns off."
AJ obviously didn't the mini-Elvis was cute anymore. The two faced off in the back, mini Elvis giving in. His fat little face quivered. "Elvis doesn't like that idea. Elvis is All Shook Up just thinkin' about it."
"You're a Backstreet Boy?"
"By night. By day I'm just a guy...a guy stuck in traffic."
I tried to sound mysterious, but truthfully I was getting nervous. I was hearing a lot of cracking and thunking and I wasn't sure that my car was going to make it through the ordeal. I was going to have to get a new car but the worst part was the resale value on this one was going to be shit.
Lark was staring at me wide-eyed. I noticed she had really pretty eyes, an interesting shade of floaty purple. In fact, the purple was sliding onto the white part of her eyeball and now her eye was half purple and half green. I squinted.
"Do you wear contacts?"
She slapped her hand to her face and cursed about twelve more times. When she finally pulled her hand away, she looked panicked.
"I lost my contact."
Let's make some fruit salad today (Uh huh uh)
It's fun to do it the healthy way (Uh huh uh)
Take all the fruit that you want to eat
The stupidest song I had ever heard in my entire life drowned out Lark's renewed cussing. She was patting herself down slowly and I had just been leaning over to help her when that fruit salad shit filled my car. I whipped around and shot AJ a look.
"Sorry, it's Ro," he said apologetically. He stopped dancing to the song and it cut off at It's gonna be a fruit salad-- as he answered with a panicked 'Hello?' just as the car rocked.
"Elvis needs to leave the building!"
My hand palmed Lark's stomach. "Did you find it yet?"
"No, and I can't see a thing out of my right eye!"
My hand went higher. I totally forgot I was actually looking for something.
"We've been stuck in traffic forever and I finally found Nick but I think we're going to die. I'm stuck in the backseat of a rocking car with a miniature Elvis. The fans are surrounding us like the zombies from The Walking Dead."
"Did you find it yet?"
My hand was full, but not of contacts. I gave her a blank look. "Hunh?"
Her face was totally flushed. And her hair...
There was something in her hair.
"I found it," I said. I reluctantly let go and slowly slid the wet gooey piece of plastic that was tangled in her blonde strands.
"Tell Ava I love her. Give her my---oh. Well, I guess...hold on."
AJ's phone interrupted the moment I was having. Lark took her contact and I took the phone.
"Love you too, dick."
I could hear Ava in the background doing that weird baby jabber thing. She was a cute baby, but then again I was a sucker for baby girls. If I could be assured to have only girls I probably would have four kids by now. "Sorry, it's a little crazy here."
"So I've heard. Listen, I don't care about our car, but AJ can NOT die. Do you hear me?"
"And I can prevent that how?"
"I don't know but he can't die until I tell him something."
"Okay..." I glanced in the backseat. AJ had Elvis in a headlock. "Why don't you tell him now?"
"I can't," she said mysteriously, "I have something big planned."
"I'm pregnant. Don't you dare."
How she knew I was about ready to say the world's longest 'whaaaaaaat?' I don't know, but I clamped my lips shut.
"Just keep him alive and don't tell him until I meet up with you guys."
I groaned. I was the world's worst secret keeper. I scratched my chin violently. It didn't even itch, but it was like the secret was gonna slip out of my pores.
"Okay," I mumbled.
"Gimme back to my skullez," she cooed.
I flung the phone at the backseat. In the melee, midget Elvis grabbed it.
"Help me 'cilla!"
It was only as he tipped off the seat and the top of his jumpsuit gapped that I saw the little bottles strapped to his chest.
Either it was a bomb or it was a collection of boose.
I was kinda hoping for the latter.