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i Do, Do You?


"Traffic is finally flowing for the most part save for the pile-up near the Sacramento extension where two Backstreet Boys, what looks to be a miniature Elvis, a hooker, and a dead body have created a three-ring circus. I can't wait to get video of this on my blog!"

It was a fucking free for all as AJ went screaming down the Interstate, the hearses breaks having been kicked up. The fan girls were momentarily frozen in place, shocked as I jumped out of my side of the car. It was only after I had passed Mr. Magoo and a car with two teens that were hopefully practicing safe car sex that they took off after me.


"We love you!"

One of the chicks must have been related to Jackie Joyner Kersee because I was starting to feel my personal space close in on me and a couple of times my laces actually hit the toe of the other persons shoe. AJ was climbing out of the coffin, squatting like he was going to roof jump onto a car like he was in one of those Mission Impossible movies.

"Don't!" I gasped. I hadn't worked out hard since Lauren and I had broken up. My abs were getting fluffy again. Sometimes I wished I could just spray on the rippedness. It was a sad day when Brian-fucking-Littrell was getting abs and I was a human paczki donut.

By the grace of god or gravity or some science term I didn't know, I managed to grab the back of the coffin. Their was a lot squeal that didn't stop even after the hearse's cart and coffin were stock still.

"What the--oomph!"

The long distance runner that had been chasing me crashed into me and sent me sprawling beside the mess. From my ground level view I spotted mini-Elvis, looking pale and smelling like he had peed his pants. His eyes were freakishly large and I could see way too much white eyeball.


I didn't have time to worry about him though because I was being thoroughly molested. The chick had a wicked bad overbite and she was smelly from the traffic and then chasing after me. I did a rather impressive roll that got me away, but that also took half my shirt. I felt nauseous as my body straightened.

My alcohol was going to become highway graffiti.

"Nick, dude, thank---"


My throat burned as the contents of my million-proofed covered stomach came up and out. Cars started honking all over again as people, stunned by the coffin, snapped out of their awe-inspired trance.

The only thing that drowned out the cars was the sound of sirens. The errr-errr noise smacked into my eardrums, causing them to throb worse than losing my earpiece in the middle of the show. AJ had his 'oh fuck' face on and Elvis held up his hands.

"I give up!"


"I've never been in a cop car before."

"Me either," I lied.

Poor Lark had gotten sucked into the action. She had been found topless in my car, the heat from the alcohol doing her in. She was almost charged with prostitution until her story about being a third grade teacher panned out.

My third grade teachers never looked like her.

She and I were crammed into the back of a squad with Elvis. AJ and a couple of the crazy fan girls were in the other, AJ at least being allowed to ride in front with the cage in between. He was in deeper shit than I was, what with the coffin ride and all.

"I'm scared," she said. I saw the tears well up in her eyes. I couldn't reach for her considering we were all handcuffed.

I had my lucky shirt on my lap. I figured I'd throw a hissy fit for it; I mean, I was going to jail anyhow, right? I leaned my head towards her.

"It's going to be okay."

She batted her eyes and her pretty purples did me in. I kissed her softly, totally forgetting (and squishing) Elvis who was sitting between us.

"Hey, watch it!"

I pulled away slowly. She still had her eyes closed. My heart began to race; I blame the alcohol for what came out of my mouth next.

"Marry me."

Her eyes flew open. "What?"

"Marry me."

Her mouth dropped open. A tear leaked out from the corner of her right eye.



"'Cilla, do you take this hound dog to by your lawfully wedded hunka burning love?"

"I do."

"Hound dog...she does, do you?"

"I do."

"Then by the power vested in me by the state of California and the aura of Graceland, I know pronounce you husband and wife."

As the squad car pulled away I kissed her again. Elvis began crooning.

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you