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Author's Chapter Notes:

sorry it's so short, took everything I had to get it to make some sense...

it still doesn't.

enjoy anyway

  1. Black Mind

October 2015

It took a long time for Nick to find the words that could answer the other person on the line. Apparently too long, cause he could hear Brian getting agitated.

“Hello? If this is a joke, it’s not funny. I’m gonna hang up now.”

Nick reacted quickly, “Hey,” he squeezed out clumsily.

A heavy silence followed and Nick could almost hear Brian thinking, trying to remember a name that would be applicable to the caller. After what seemed ages, his friend answered.

“Nick?”

“Hey,” Nick repeated, not able to utter anything else when he heard the hoarse and beaten voice of his best friend, who had once been his brother. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if he could trust his voice enough.

“Hey,” came the dumbfounded response of his friend. They really needed to pass the ‘hey’ stadium now. Nick thought for a minute, gripped his phone tight and squeaked, “How you feeling?”

“Ugh, why is everyone always asking me that?” Brian sounded tired, a little annoyed, but not mad. It was more than Nick could have hoped for.

“Because they care about you?” he suggested and immediately realized he shouldn’t have.

“Oh, do they now?” Brian snarled heatedly. Fuck.

“I… I don’t... but…” Nick stammered pathetically. He wished there was something he could say that would make it okay.

“You know, I don’t even remember the last time I talked to you, or anyone of you for that matter,” Brian replied frustrated, but Nick didn’t hear any sign of actual anger in his voice. It was almost like Brian was angry at himself…

“I’m sorry,” Nick tried confused.

“No, I’m sorry! I’m sorry for not remembering when you called!” Brian’s frustrations shone through his soft voice, which got even more hoarse than before. Nick closed his eyes and sighed. This wasn’t how he had pictured their conversation. He thought he’d been prepared for everything, cause he knew a conversation with Brian nowadays wasn’t the easiest thing in the world. It had taken some time for everyone to get used to the sudden mood changes, the long moments of silence and the blank stares. He had been prepared for those things. But he very well knew that Brian had no business apologizing for something like this.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault. It’s been too long, I don’t even remember,” he confessed brokenly.

A long, heavy silence followed and Nick waited patiently, knowing Brian was still there. Nick regretted the fact that he hadn’t been there in the past seven months, that he had had no idea of how bad it had gotten. He could almost see his friend through the phone, struggling to think of the words he wanted to say, but that simply weren’t there.

When the silence continued on, longer than usually, Nick realized his friend wasn’t in any state to be having an even remotely normal conversation. He also knew it was his fault for getting Brian all worked up now. He wished he hadn’t just called, he wished he’d been there beside his brother, to speak to him face to face, he knew Brian would have preferred that. He knew his friend rather talked to someone in person, cause it probably made it easier somehow. He realized now that he hadn’t had the wrong number in his phone, it was just that Brian rarely even picked up his cell phone anymore.

“Bri?” he asked softly, tentatively.

“Nick?” came the terribly astonished answer. Nick closed his eyes again, feeling the tears welling up and spilling over. This isn’t right.

“Nick, is that really you?”

Nick waited a few seconds, not answering, making up his mind. He was actually glad when he came to the decision.

“Nick?” He felt the panic in Brian’s shattered voice.

“Hold on, Bri, I’ll be there in two hours.”

Chapter End Notes:

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