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Author's Chapter Notes:

Finally, FINALLY, I think I got it right. After writing, rewriting and yet again rewriting. I feel like THE FIGHT should have had some importance, something weighty. I just couldnt get it right til now, I hope :)

please review guys!

  1. Kill It With Fire

He felt like he was in the wrong place, as he watched his son unwrap the presents for his birthday. Baylee had outsmarted him by asking if he could invite people to his party.

“Yes, I don’t see why not.”

“Anyone?” the soon to be thirteen year old had asked innocently. It had make Brian rethink his compliance once more, but it wasn’t like he could take it back now.

“Depends…” he’d drawled suspiciously.

“What about Jason?” Baylee had tried. Brian had nodded, because, yes, Jason was a good kid. He and Baylee had been friends for a long time. Not inviting the boy would be wrong.

“What about Steve, can I ask Steve?” the young man had prodded. Brian had narrowed his eyes, trying to remember who Steve was. Over the years, Baylee had had such a great assortment of friends, it became really hard to keep track of them. Some friends he’d brought home were apparently only his friends to see if he really lived the way he boasted about in school. He’d told Brian afterwards that they would only hang around the house, waiting for the once famous popstar to come out of his hiding place. Baylee had told them time and time again that, no, his father wasn’t usually home on school days and that they’d better leave, if that was the only thing they’d come for.

Brian figured Steve probably wasn’t one of those friends, cause Baylee hated those friends. He wouldn’t invite those kind of people to his birthday.

“Steve from across the street?” he had guessed randomly.

“No! I hate that dude!” Baylee had informed with a scowl.

“Oh…”

“I meant Steve Barley, he’s awesome’’ the boy had confirmed solemnly and Brian had nodded his approval again.

“Oh.”

Apparently, those had been the kind of answers Baylee had been waiting for and as he noticed his father’s attention slip, he’d gone on and on about who was supposed to come to the party. Most of the names Brian didn’t recognize and at one point, he didn’t really care anymore and stopped listening altogether.

Now as he watched the large crowd of people he realized Baylee had actually taken advantage of the situation. Everyone was there and he couldn’t feel more out of place. Well, at least Baylee is happy, he thought moodily. He watched how a three year old Ava McLean planted a huge box in front of Baylee’s nose, she laughed out loud and then resolutely took off running. It couldn’t even bring a smile to his face. He sighed and when Baylee looked his way, he faked a smile for his son’s sake.

“Hey, question!” Two incredible large hands landed roughly on his shoulders and he felt himself jump a mile up in the air. Spinning around he saw Nick standing behind him with a devilish smile on his face.

“Oh my God, what?!” Brian yelled out.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Nick said sweetly, but his smile told the opposite story.

Are you scared Brian? You’re scared Brian. Brian, you scared?

“There was something you wanted to ask?” He ignored the lame apology, not really in the mood for a conversation.

“Oh yeah, is it okay if… umm,” the Backstreet Boy hesitated, looking away. Brian frowned and when he looked behind his best friend, he saw Lauren waving awkwardly at him.

“If what?” he muttered.

“What?”

“What?”

“Oh right! See, Lauren and I have been talking about, umm, you know…” Nick watched his feet again and Brian rolled his eyes. This was getting old fast.

“Spit it out, dude!”

“Okay, we were just wondering when we were getting back to California,” his friend breathed.

“You mean?”

“Ah see, now my shoulder’s almost better, I kinda guessed it was time I got back home…” Nick looked at him hopefully, his eyes big. It reminded Brian of all those times Nick needed something from him in the past. Was he asking for his permission?

“I… right, you’re right.”

“Really?” Nick’s eyebrows shot up. Brian gave a short laugh.

“Yeah, I’ve had you hanging around the house long enough, time to get back to work, mister!” He smiled half-heartedly and wondered if Nick could tell he was faking it. Probably. He’d never been the best of actors.

“You sure?” Nick asked, “Cause you know, if there’s still something you need me to do, then…”

“Ah, no man! I don’t need you!” Brian smiled but stopped when he saw Nick’s hurt expression, “I-I mean, I can take care of myself you know…” He wanted to kick himself. Why couldn’t he say the right thing? It wasn’t that hard, was it?

“Oh, okay,” Nick mumbled and turned around.

You’re letting him down, Brian. You’re letting everybody down, Brian. Why do you always let everybody down, Brian? Do you just, don’t care anymore? Do you even care, Brian?

He shivered, trying to tell the voice to shut up. It just seemed to listen less and less to him. He knew it was trying to drive him crazy ever since he came out of the hospital, but he wasn’t gonna let that happen.

“Hey Rok! You okay?” a gruff voice asked from behind him.

“Ugh, is it ‘scare the crap out of Brian’ day, today?” he growled grimly.

“Umm, no,” AJ spoke hesitantly, “It’s Baylee’s birthday. Cheer up buddy!”  The younger man handed him a drink, “besides, ‘scare Brian’ day isn’t for another two months.” He muttered jokingly.

“Thanks, good to know,” Brian laughed, he could always count on AJ to cheer things up. He was actually glad he finally had a chance to talk normally to one of them. When the three of them had shown up at the party, they’d just solemnly walked up to him, greeting him like he was some long lost myth they’d once heard of, but had never seen with their own eyes. Maybe, in some way, he was. He’d just wanted to squirm out of their apologizing stares.

“So,” obviously AJ was looking for a conversation, “looks like we’re in the alcohol-free zone again,” he said, lifting his coke-bottle.

“Shouldn’t be something new for you then,” Brian smiled wickedly.

“Touché,” AJ grinned back. Sometimes, Brian still couldn’t believe they were actually able to make jokes about it now. It had seemed like such a drama back then. The whole world had known. Maybe, just maybe, time did ease things.

But you don’t have time, Brian. You don’t have time. It’s the end, Brian. You can feel it, can’t you? Do you even care it’s the end?

Shut up…

He didn’t even realize he’d said it out loud until he noticed AJ abruptly stop talking. “I… err…’’ his younger friend stammered confused, “okay…”

“No, not you. I meant… never mind. I don’t know what I meant.”

“Look, I understand if you don’t like to talk to me, man,” AJ looked guilty. Just great.

“No, no, that’s okay, it’s not your fault, Alex,” he assured quickly, “in fact, I forgave the four of you a long time ago.”

“That makes it even worse,” his friend muttered quietly.

“How?”

“We should have come here sooner,” AJ explained, “we were just, I don’t know, scared I guess…”

“And selfish, add selfish,” Brian smiled.

“It’s not funny,’’ AJ sulked.

“It’s a little funny.” Finally, there was a smile on AJ’s face too. “That’s it! Smile! Cheer up! It’s a party!” Brian exclaimed, throwing his friend’s advice back at him.

“How’s this for a party?” AJ said, challenging. He stalked over to Baylee, said something to the kid and then came back. “Look what I got!”

“Should be excellent for your balding head, dude!” Brian watched as AJ put the birthday hat on top of his receding hairline.

“Last time I checked, I still got more hair than you, dude,” AJ challenged tentatively, studying his friend closely, trying to see if he would take the bait.

“What can I say, yours is actually a natural process, irreversible, dude.

“Touché.”

 

March 2015

“No! You’re not kicking me out, are you?” The gigantic pit in his guts grew even more as he realized, that yes, they actually were. “You can’t do that!”

“You’re right, we can’t,” Kevin admitted quietly.

“But?” Brian was not stupid, he knew there was a but.

“But you can,” his cousin added softly.

“You’re not making any sense, man.”

“Face it, Brian. It’s not gonna work like this.”

“It’s fine!” He spat heatedly.

“No, it’s not!” Kevin exploded suddenly, making the group of four jump, “don’t pretend like you cannot see what we cansee!”

“What he’s trying to say is…” AJ tried fearfully.

“I get what he’s trying to say! I just want to hear it from him,” Brian said darkly, motioning for AJ to keep quiet.

“Look, cuz,” Kevin cringed at the fury in Brian’s eyes when he mentioned the last word, “this performing, the touring, it’s… it’s killing you.”

There was a long silence. Nobody even dared to breathe, it seemed. Brian took a few steps back, until his back connected with the wall, and clenched his fists.

“You have no idea, Kev,” he said hoarsely, trying to keep the tears out of his voice. “Do you really want to know what’s killing me?”

“Bri…”

“This!” he angrily pointed to his head, the words flowing from his mouth, hitting his bandmates like arrows, “This is killing me either way! And yes, maybe touring is speeding up the process, but does it really matter anymore?”

“Don’t say that…”

“Why not? Because you don’t wanna hear it? Because you can’t face the actual truth? This isn’t Disneyworld, Kevin. Truth is hard, and… and unfair, and sometimes, truth makes you wish that truth was a lie!” he snarled outraged. He could see his cousin backing away, upset. He really didn’t care anymore, just one more kick and Kevin would be down.

“Brian, just…”

“Just what?” He was probably going too far, but couldn’t stop himself anymore. It was like someone opened up a faucet of his frustrations, and now… they just came pouring out. “Just calm down? You know, of all people, you…” he stopped himself just before it was too late. Kevin was not gonna let it go, though.

“What?” the dark haired man challenged darkly, already knowing what his cousin had meant to say.

Brian didn’t answer, and the two relatives continued to stare at each other, like they were holding a contest, neither of them willing to give in. Finally, the oldest came up closer to his cousin, his face matching the amount of anger in Brian’s now.

“Say it!” he hissed, just inches away from the younger man’s face.

“No,” Brian said, shaking his head.

“Come on! Let them hear it!” Kevin spewed, wildly flailing his hands to the other three, who had backed away considerably. “Of all people, I what? Huh? Just say it!”

Brian really didn’t want those words to leave his mouth. He knew that some things were better left unsaid, but he was just too angry to think that clearly. Besides, if he gave up now, the others would have won, and he couldn’t let that happen.

“Of all people, I thought you would understand what cancer does to a person,” he muttered quietly. A collective gasp filled the room, the other Backstreet Boys watching him in shock. Kevin didn’t move for a moment, but when he did, Brian was sure his cousin wanted to hit him. The only thing that was probably holding the oldest member back was the ugly scar on his cousin’s head, only partly covered by the filthy, blue baseball cap.

“I don’t have time for this,” he spat hatefully, turning away.

“Kev!” AJ yelped suddenly, ‘Kev, wait!”

“No, I’m going,” he said, spinning around one more time, pointing a stern finger at his cousin, “but you just remember, we are just trying to think of what’s best for you, because you’re too goddamn stupid, or stubborn, or both, to do that yourself!”

“This isn’t your problem, Kevin,” Brian answered slowly.

“We just want to help you!”

“But you can’t! Nobody can! This thing’s in my head, in as long as it’s in there, I get to decide what to do with it, got it?” He was breathing hard now, tears of frustration pouring from his eyes. Why couldn’t they just understand?

“So you choose to kill yourself? Have you already given up?” Kevin asked incredulously.

“I don’t have a choice. I just don’t wanna sit around, waiting to die, don’t you understand that? I want to do something useful while I’m at it,’’ he concluded with a sigh.

“It’s too dangerous,” Howie spoke up for the first time since they started the discussion, “Besides, what do we tell the fans?” He was right, Brian knew that, because Howard was always right. He sighed defeated.

“Do you guys really want me to leave that bad?” he asked softly, “Frack?”

When Nick didn’t answer and kept staring at the ground, Brian knew enough. With the sharp stab of betrayal evident in his eyes, he left the room, not saying another word.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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