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Author's Chapter Notes:

this is kind of a dark chapter... literally :)

Come close, come close

And call my name

How can you turn your back on me

When you know my pain?

Although he still couldn’t see a damn thing, he knew she wasn’t there anymore. He’d known when she squeezed his hands that she was indeed going to leave, even though he’d begged her not to. She always did…

Now he was truly alone, and if there was one thing he couldn’t handle, it was being alone. Add the fact that it was totally dark and absolute chaos in his mind, which resulted immediately in panic. Don’t be stupid, go after her!

Getting up quickly, he paid no mind to the rushing warning in his head and stomach and scrambled backwards until he hit a wall. With a wild growl, he turned, all the while wondering why it was so goddamn dark. He had his eyes opened, hadn’t he? It surely didn’t make a difference. On his knees now, he searched his way through the darkness, until he felt the soft ground disappear under his hands and tumbled off of whatever he’d been on.

 

August 1980

He felt a deep grounded hatred for this room. He didn’t really know why, but for some reason, the room made people cry. He watched his mother leave, even though he’d begged her not to, she did it anyway.

Don’t leave me!

Why did nobody ever listen to him? He wished he had the energy to go after her, to get out of this creepy room. Sure, the walls were all covered in bright colours, countless gift cards, and Disney’s Donald Duck posters, but somehow, it still made people cry. He didn’t like crying people, he liked smiling people much better. You didn’t see that many smiling people around here. Lowering himself back down on the big white bed, he stuck his thumb stubbornly in his mouth. Mommy had told him not to do that anymore, but he didn’t listen to her. Why should he? She didn’t listen to him either when Brian told her to stay, did she? He used his other hand to rub his tired eyes and then glanced at the alarm clock Daddy had put on the drawer. Guiltily he popped his thumb back out, realizing why Mommy had left so suddenly.

Harry!

His eyes lit up when he figured it out. Today was Harry’s big day. Today Harry was going to win the drawing contest. Brian was sure of it, because he didn’t know anybody who could draw better than his older brother. Mommy was probably going to get him off school and take him to the community centre where he would win the All Inclusive Weekend at Disneyland! See, normally Mommy always made someone else get Harry off school to stay with Brian, but today was Harry’s big day, so Brian understood why she’d left.

Grabbing Binky tight, he pressed the stuffed bear to his face. Binky used to be Harry’s, but he’d given it to his brother only 5 days ago, claiming that he didn’t use it anymore and because Brian liked the toy so much, he could have it. Brian couldn’t be more grateful, for he believed Binky was magical. Whenever he felt so sick, he couldn’t even lie still without everything hurting, he pressed Binky to his face and the bear seemed to make everything miraculously okay again.

With the stuffed toy still attached to his face, he took its ear into his mouth, which was another thing he wasn’t allowed to do, and mused over what to do next. He wished Daddy was there, but he had to go to work, Brian understood that. Daddy had already taken too many days off because of Brian, and now he had to go back to work. That was okay, Daddy had a good reason not to be with Brian. But it meant that he was now all alone in this stupid room and he was not fond of being alone in stupid rooms. Remembering why he’d been excited in the first place, he threw the covers off of his legs. Damn, it’s cold! It didn’t matter though, Brian thought determined. Harry was going to win this year, and he wanted to be there to cheer for his brother. Besides, he was tired of being in this room, and figured he’d been lying here long enough. He’d ask the friendly nurse, Karen, downstairs if she would take him to the community centre. She would do it, she was always nice to him.

Rolling on his stomach, he crawled over to the edge of the enormous bed and carefully reached his right foot down. He shivered immediately, but planted his foot confidently on the cold floor. Experimentally, he tried to put weight on it. Encouraged, he balanced himself still half on the bed, but now half out of it as well. Grinning victoriously, he put his other foot with the other and climbed out.

Immediately, his knees gave out and he fell with his face to the floor. Considering it only a minor setback, he got up on shaking arms and knees. He hadn’t been out of bed for five weeks, what had he expected? Cautiously, he grabbed the edge of the bed and hoisted himself upright again. This time he was going to take it slow, and after swaying for a moment, he finally stood. He gave a proud laugh and walked shakily towards the door first, pulling the irritating plastic bag standard he was attached to with him. Out in the hall, he saw some of the other kids that were located on the children-ward, just like him. He didn’t need them though, he needed to find Karen, and therefore, he’d have to take the elevator.

Why’s it so dark in here?

The children’s ward of the hospital was usually well lit, but the part where he was now seemed to be darkened. He shrugged, indifferent, and continued his way towards the elevators. He liked elevators, they were convenient and less exhausting than staircases. Clamping the IV pole tightly he waited anxiously for the elevator to open its doors. When they finally did, he was about to step inside, when he remembered he forgot something. Binky! Turning around instantly, he wanted to bring himself and the pole back to his room to retrieve his favourite toy, but only then noticed the pole was stuck between the elevator’s floor and the ward’s. No!

Panicking, he rattled the thing uselessly, feeling like the doors could close any second, squeezing him and the pole between them. He didn’t like that prospect and felt his sick heart hammer its way out of his chest. It hurt really bad and he whimpered desperately, still trying to get the pole’s wheels out of the split in the floor. He hated elevators. He hated IV poles too. Realizing it was no use, he started to yell for help, feeling tears streaming down his face.

“Young man, where do you think you’re going?” a voice asked and he turned around, surprised. Suddenly, a tall nurse appeared out of nowhere, right next to him and pulled the IV out of the hole in one swift motion.

“Why are you not in bed?” she asked sternly and he shrunk back, frightened of her angry expression. He didn’t know this nurse, but he already didn’t like her, although she had just saved him.

“I wanna go home,” he cried softly and the nurse’s face softened.

“Not yet, buddy,” she informed, then turned around, “Johnny, why don’t you get a wheelchair for the little fugitive over here?”

For once he was actually glad that wheelchairs existed, because he didn’t know if he could stand upright for much longer. When Johnny brought it, he climbed in quickly and let the nurse push him back through the hall.

“Wha’s your name?” he questioned, twisting around in the chair

“Lauren,” she answered dutifully.

“Lauren,” he repeated, thinking for a second, “Wan be friends, Lauren?” he offered.

“Sure.”

“But you don even know my name!” he protested.

“You’re Brian, everyone knows you. You’re famous!” she assured him with a smile.

“Wow, really?” he asked and saw her nod her head, “cool… I wan be famous!”

“Consider it as your first step,” Lauren laughed lightly.

“Lauren?”

“Yep?”

“Why’s it so dark in here?”

“Because the children on this part are really sick and supposed to be asleep right now. That includes you too,” she told him severely.

“I’m sorry.” He replied guiltily and realized how tired he was when they reached his room. “Can I go to sleep now?”

“You have to sleep now, in fact,” she said.

“Will you stay?” he asked when she helped him back in bed. “I don wan be lone.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I need to check on the other kids first,” she explained softly. Brian shook his head vigorously.

“No! Karen can do that!” he offered with a frown, “Don leave!”

“I’ll be right back, okay?” she stated and stood up, handing Brian his stuffed bear she had retrieved from the floor. She turned around and walked out of the room.

“No! Wait! Don leave!” he called after her, but she didn’t come back. Grasping Binky  tight, he pressed his face into the worn fabric of the bear, realizing that Binky was the only one that hadn’t left him yet.

 

November 2015

Not able to supress the nausea anymore, he gagged miserably and just let it go. When he was finished, he pushed himself up and crawled away in the dark. He had no idea where he was or how he’d got there. He stopped moving when his back connected with the wall. Pulling his legs up, he swung his arms around them and pressed his face to his knees. He hated being vulnerable like this. And it would only be getting worse. He hated this place, wherever that was, he hated the smell, he hated this life and most of all, he hated the fact that he was alone.

Not knowing what else to do, he stayed in the same position and let the miserable sobs take over his weak body. He didn’t care about the pain anymore, or that maybe someone could hear him. In fact, he wanted someone to hear him and get him out of this dark place. It would mean that he wasn’t entirely alone. He hated being alone.

Stay close, stay close

Light up the night

Save me from the part of me

That’s begging to die.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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