Closet Monster: Leslie's Favorite Memory
Ashley was upstairs, asleep. But the game was on West Coast time, so I was sitting on the couch in my Buccs jersey, holding the old football I'd spent the day tossing around in the backyard with Oliver, leaning forward, urging the players to move in for the kill. "Go.. go.. go you fat bastards," I muttered under my breath. On the table sat a plate with a few crumbs of sunbaked chips and my half-drank bottle of Ensure that Ashley insisted I drink. Even though I thought it tasted less like chocolate and more like chalklate.
There was a creak on the stairs and I turned and saw our second-youngest, Leslie, who preferred to be called Lessy, rubbing her eyes. I reached for the remote and turned the volume down. "Hey Lessy," I said, my eyebrows stitching together as she came around the couch and crawled onto the cushion beside me. "What'cha doin' up kiddo?" I asked her.
"I couldn't sleep," she complained, "There was nightmares."
I reached over and pulled Lessy up onto my lap and rubbed her back, "Not nightmares, that's the worst," I said.
She nodded and pouted, "They were really scary, too," she said in a pitiful little voice.
I glanced at the TV and sighed, hitting the power off button on the remote. "C'mon, let's go up stairs and inspect your room. Make sure there's no monsters in there," I said.
"Okay," she agreed.
She slid off my lap and took my hand and we went up the stairs to her bedroom at the end of the hallway. Her room was all purple and yellow, her favorite colors, and she quickly crawled into bed, hugging the blankets real close, like they were a protective shield or something. I looked around, "Hmm," I said, "Well, there is some evidence of monsters," I said. I waved at the crayons and legos she had spread across the carpet, "I mean, I know you'd never leave your room a mess after playing... so obviously a monster did that..."
Lessy nodded solemnly. I had to repress a smirk.
I opened her desk drawer, then closed it and opened the next one down. When I'd gone through all her desk drawers, I opened the top dresser drawer. "Uhoh," I said.
"What?" Lessy looked frightened.
"Just as I suspected..."
"What?" Lessy asked.
"Monsters like eating socks," I said, "And... your sock drawer's a mess... Obviously the monster was looking around for a midnight snack."
Lessy gasped.
I looked around the room again. "Well he didn't go out the window because that's shut tight," I said, "And I didn't hear him sneak downstairs, and he wasn't in the hallway..." I rubbed my chin, and lowered my creaky old self down to the floor to peer under the bed.
"Is he under there?" she whispered hoarsely, crawling and leaning over the side to see me.
I reached under and moved some stuff around, "Nope. Not under here."
"Where then?" Lessy gasped.
I pushed myself up, though it took some effort. I wondered fleetingly what happened to the days when I was able to leap up off the floor without even using my arms to brace myself. Entire dance routines with the Backstreet Boys had once revolved around that move. Now I couldn't have done it if someone had a gun to my head threatening I do it or else.
"There's only one last place he could be," I said.
"The closet," she whispered. She crawled back under the covers quickly so that only the very top of her head and eyes stuck out. She shivered so hard the comforter she was under, which had butterflies all over it, shook.
I tiptoed toward the closet door and she squealed and I stuck a finger across my lips to quiet her. I reached for the knob and turned it slowly. "Ooohh," squeaked Lessy, tossing the blanket over her head so she couldn't see.
I opened the door quickly, stepped inside, and pulled the door shut. I banged around in the closet, threw myself against the door. "I don't think so, Monster!" I said as loudly as I dared to so I wouldn't wake up the whole house. "Get back here!" I thumped against the shelving unit and rattled her coat hangers.
"GET HIM DADDY!" Lessy shrieked, "GET HIM!!!!"
I banged around a few moments longer, then stepped out of the closet, fake-gasping for air, pretending to limp.
Lessy was standing in the center of her bed, holding her pillow up, ready to attack. Her eyes were wide. "Where is he?"
"He went back to Monster Land," I answered. I grabbed her desk chair, swiveled it around, and sank into it.
"There's a door to Monster Land in my closet?" Lessy gasped.
"No, but he can disapparate," I said.
"Disapparate? What's that?"
"When people disappear from somewhere then reappear somewhere else. It's a magic trick, basically," I said.
"But if he can disapparate to Monster Land can't he just disapparate back here?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Why not?"
"I told him he couldn't come back never again," I answered. "Ever," I emphasized.
Lessy lowered her down-stuffed weapon. "Really? And he's gonna just listen to you?" she asked, amazement in her voice.
"Of course he is," I said, "You know why?"
"Why?"
"Because your old man has your back, kiddo," I said.
Lessy sat down on the bed, put her pillow back where it belonged and pulled the blankets up over her lap. She stared at me. "Daddy," she said, "Are you like a super hero?"
"Nawh," I answered.
"I think you are," she said reverently.
"Well I'm definitely not," I replied with a laugh. "I'm just a regular guy who loves you very, very, very, very much, that's all." I got up and went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. She cuddled into her pillows.
"How do I know he won't come back when you aren't looking?" she asked.
"Because Steve Perry is gonna watch out and tell me if the monster comes back," I replied.
Lessy looked confused, "Who's Steve Perry?" she asked.
Honestly, I'd just said the first name that came to mind. I looked around and spotted a black stuffed dog up on a shelf that my mother had given to Lessy for her birthday the month before. It wasn't played with because Lessy was in that awkward stage between being too old for stuffed animals and too young to give them up yet. I got up, picked up the dog, and put it down next to her. "This is Steve Perry," I said.
Lessy looked at the dog.
"Steve Perry will keep an eye out for you while you sleep."
Lessy pulled the dog under the covers with her, staring up at me. "And if Steve Perry sees the monster come back from Monster Land, he'll go get you right?"
"Yep."
"And you'll come get the monster."
"I'll come immediately, no matter where I am."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"Cross your heart?"
"Cross my heart," I said, drawing an X over my chest with my thumb.
Lessy took a deep breath, "Okay," she said.
"Okay." I tucked the blanket around her and the dog and I kissed her forehead and stood up. "Good night, kiddo," I said, standing up.
"And Steve Perry, too," Lessy said.
"Good night Steve Perry," I said, turning back and kissing the dog's forehead.
Lessy smiled up at me. "Good night Daddy."
I stepped out of the room and closed the door, turning, I almost bumped into Ashley, who was leaning against the wall in the hallway, a smile on her face. "What'cha doin'?" I whispered.
"I came to see what all the racket was and discovered that my husband is a monster bully," Ashley replied.
"I prefer to think of myself as The Conquerer of All Things Evil," I said.
"You're a regular warrior king, my love," she answered with a laugh.
"Yeah I am," I replied, grinning.
"C'mon Warrior King," she said, pulling me toward the bedroom, "I know something else you can conquer."
"I do like conquering things," I said, as Ashley smirked and we dove into our bedroom.
