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Chapter Twenty-Six: The Unstable Art of Moving On


Desi was sitting in the hallway when Nick, Howie, and Officer North stepped off the elevator. He was staring at the wall, his eyes unfocused and red-rimmed, and his hands were shaking, nervously spinning the brim of his hat around and around and around. He didn't even look up until they'd approached him and Officer North put a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Desmond," he said.

He looked up and his eyes locked on Nick. So many emotions rushed forward through his veins. He wanted to jump up and choke Nick, wanted to tear him limb to limb. If it hadn't been for Kelsey wanting to go talk to him about the song he was stealing, about what had happened between her and Desi, then she'd still be laying there in his arms back at the hotel...

He's not a bad guy. He's just misguided. He's just confused. And you gotta give him a chance, you know? Just let him make it right. Kelsey's voice echoed in Desi's head.

Desi really looked at Nick, and instead of seeing the arrogant bastard that he usually saw, he saw... well, a bit of a mirror of himself. Red-rimmed eyes, a terrified, shell-shocked expression, a barely-contained need to beg for it to all be a dream... It was all there in Nick's face the same as it was in Desi's.

"Hey," Desi choked the words out.

Nick nodded, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat with emotion. He took a deep breath, "Is she really --?"

Desi nodded.

"You're - sure?"

Desi nodded again.

"Did you... see her?" Nick asked.

"I saw her," Desi said, voice only just above a whisper.

"Is she... bad?" Nick asked.

Desi pointed at the door with his eyes, "She's... a lil banged up..." he confessed. He felt sick.

"Can I see her?"

Desi moved to the door, and he took hold of the handle, hand shaking, pushed it open and led Nick inside. Officer North and Howie stayed in the hallway, Howie's hand sliding from Nick's back as he departed, a reassuring touch dropping away. Desi pulled the curtain back that surrounded the bed.

Kelsey lay there, still as could be, looking like Snow White after she bit the apple. Her hair rested on her shoulders, and her lips were pale, her skin drained of color. Her eyes were shut. She had a serious bruise running along one side of her face, and a busted lip. A scar would have resulted, if she were alive.

Nick moved a shaking hand to hers, laying at her sides, and he took hold of it. Her hand felt heavy and clammy and fake now but he held it anyway, imagining the feeling of her fingers tightening around his. He raised it to his mouth and kissed it and clutched it to his chest. "Fuck," he choked. "Oh God damn, Desi, I wanted it to be wrong. I wanted you to be wrong. I wanted it all to be wrong." He bent forward, curling around her arm.

Desi was staring into Kelsey's face, his heart breaking.

"I'll... leave you alone." Desi turned to the door. He didn't think he could handle being in there, looking at her like that. He stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. Howie and Officer North looked up. "Figured he might want a few minutes alone with her," Desi explained, and he sank into the chair again, covering his eyes.

If he'd had it his way, he would've kept the image of that smile - that glimmering, beautiful smile as she slid out the door - forever in his mind as the last time he saw her.

You do know that's making me wanna stay, don't you? I'll be right back, Des.

But she wouldn't be back.

"How long have you known Kelsey?" Howie asked.

"Birth basically," Desi mumbled into his hands.

"How long have she and Nick been dating?"

Desi shook his head, "I dunno, couple weeks. Month. Something like that."

Howie looked at the closed room door. "He fell hard and fast for her, huh?" he commented.

Desi nodded, eyes still covered. "It was hard not to. Kelsey was one of a kind."

Inside the room, Nick lowered her hand onto her chest and dropped himself into a seat beside the bed. He stared at her, his long fingers over his mouth, as though holding back words or sobs or something. He stood up and leaned over, looking down at her, then sat back down. He put on leg over the other, then switched them, then stood up again and walked around the end of the bed to the window. He stared out at the stars and the lights of the city away far off. Back to her, he said, "I told Howie. About the song. On the way here." He took a deep breath and studied the window sill, his hands upon it. "I feel guilty, Kels. About the song, about Desi, about... this." He let out the breath he'd just taken and shook his head, his eyes blurring up. "I really fucked up this time, I really did, 'cos there was so much I wanted to do for you, y'know? I know I ain't been the best, but we were just gettin' started, and I have potential, you know?"

Kelsey, of course, did not reply.

Nick turned back to her, walked over to the bed, "And I can't even say sorry for being a fuck up. I can't even try to make it better 'cos you ain't here anymore, are you?" He lowered onto the chair again, but leaned forward and put his chin on her arm, staring up at her face. "Kelsey, I'm so sorry."

You gotta make it right, Kelsey's voice echoed in his mind, Promise me you'll make it right.

"I promise," Nick repeated outloud in a whisper. "I promise Kelsey, I promise no matter what it takes I'ma make it right now."

The door creaked open behind him and Howie stepped into the room awkwardly. He stepped closer to Nick, put a hand on his shoulder. "Buddy, they need to take the body away."

Nick nodded.

"I think Desi needs another moment with her before they go," he whispered.

Nick closed his eyes. Of course Desi should have the last moment with her, of course, it only made sense. He struggled to his feet, eyes still closed, and paused, gathering strength together. Then he opened his eyes, and turned away, his hands shaking. He followed Howie into the hallway, forcing himself not to look back.

Desi nodded at Nick before stepping into the room. A couple guys in dark maroon scrubs were standing outside, holding a clipboard, and Nick sat in the seat Desi had occupied as the door closed. Nick looked up at the two guys in scrubs. "I want her to have the best - the absolute best of everything," he said.

They nodded, "Of course, sir."

"Whatever the cost."

"Yes sir."

Nick looked down at the tile and rubbed the back of his neck. It wasn't enough to pay for the funeral, it wasn't enough to get her a coffin of the finest wood or a place in a cemetery overlooking the most beautiful landmarks the city had to offer. He knew that alone wouldn't make it right, not the way she'd meant it in his kitchen. He knew he had to figure out how to make it right for Desi.

"I dunno what to do, D," Nick whispered.

Howie sighed quietly, "Nobody does in these types of situations, Nicky," he mused, staring off down the hallway, "Nobody does. That's why moving on is such an unstable art."

Meanwhile, in the room, Desmond walked up to Kelsey's side, took her hand off her chest where Nick had laid it and held onto it for a long moment before putting it back to her hip. He took a deep breath. "So listen," he said, "I need you to know this... just in case it gets lost in everything that's gonna happen soon." He leaned over her, staring into her soft features. "What happened between you and me this week... where I told you I loved you and you took off and then showed up tonight angrier than a bear, and we kissed and made love and you told me -- you said -- you said you loved me..." Desi shook his head, "Tonight was the best night of my entire life. Well, aside from, you know, this ending..." He bit his lip. "My point is, I -- I think it needs to be our secret, don't you?" He glanced at the door. "That guy out there... you're right. He's not a bad guy. He is misguided. And you better be right about this whole me giving him a chance thing, 'cos I'm gonna, just for you..." Desi sighed. "I know you loved me, Kelsey, that's what matters to me. Whether he knows it or not..." He stared down at her hands. "Well, I think we owe him to not tell him, don't you?"

Kelsey, of course, did not reply.

"That all said," Desi's throat felt like it swelled. He sniffed, he shook his head, looked away a moment, muttered, "Shit." Tears filled his eyes. He stepped back a moment and took a couple deep breaths, then turned back to her. "Kelsey, I love you... I love you more than -- than anything." He leaned over her again, and pressed his lips against hers. They were cold, and they didn't give or push back as a response. They just were. And Desi pulled back and he stared at her closed eyes, at her pretty ol' eyelashes, and he whispered, "Good bye, Kelsey."

He turned away and walked quickly to the door because he didn't know if he could bear it. He stopped, just before he pulled the door handle open and he stared back at her. "Our secret, Kels," he said, and he pulled it open and stepped into the hallway.