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Chapter Eight: Past is Past


Nick led Desmond and Kelsey through the house to the door that led to the basement home studio. Kelsey looked around and was impressed with the dark wood paneled walls and the oriental rugs and chinese lantern lighting while Desmond oohed over the equipment. She didn't know a thing about sound recording equipment, but it was evident by Desmond's excitement that Nick had a pretty impressive display of it. She hovered back as Nick set up a computer and handed Desmond some headphones and the pair of them worked on rigging a couple microphones to catch Desmond's voice and his guitar playing and Nick pressed some buttons and moved some levers. It all seemed so 2001: A Space Odyssey to Kelsey, she felt like she was looking at the monolith. She sat down in a swivel desk chair near the soundboard looking in at Desmond and Nick in the booth where Nick was demonstrating the distance Desi needed to stay from the microphone for best quality recording.

She looked around at various awards and platinum records Nick had lining the walls. There were pictures of the Backstreet Boys from various eras in the group's history mixed in as well. She felt like she was on hallowed ground and wondered how much, if any, of the band's music had been created right in that very room.

When Nick came out of the booth, he sat down in the chair beside her and grinned. "Ready to watch some magic happen?" Nick asked as he shook the mouse on his computer to clear the screen saver.

Kelsey laughed, "If I understood what you were doing I might be more impressed."

"It's all very scientific," Nick smirked.

He opened up a program and pressed a button and spoke into a tiny microphone in front of him that worked like an intercom into the soundbooth. "So on the first take, just play the chords and then we can go back and get the vocals and then we'll do some background vocals and maybe another layer of guitar." Desmond gave Nick the thumbs up.

Kelsey watched him start a new project on the program and hit record, then motioned for Desmond to begin and with every strike of Desmond's fingers on the guitar, the computer responded, showing a visual of the sound on the screen. Nick leaned back, watching the progression of the chords rise and fall.

"So do you help a lot of new artists?" Kelsey asked.

"Only ones with promise," Nick answered. Of course it helped if they have a hot friend I wanna to bang.... he added in his head. The truth was Desmond was the first he'd really helped like this. There was something about Desmond that was interesting to Nick, his desire for Kelsey aside, and he wasn't sure how to put his finger on it to identify it. Something besides extraordinary talent, that is. Because he certainly had that. It was almost like Desmond was kind of... a friend or something. Like he was a cool guy that Nick genuinely wanted to see succeed and genuinely believed in.

"Desmond's wanted this a long time," Kelsey confessed, staring up at him as he leaned into the guitar. His body curved around it, like he was encasing it. She sighed. "You know, he got accepted to Berklee?"

"Berklee? Seriously?" Nick glanced at Desmond in the booth, then back at Kelsey, "He didn't go?"

She shook her head. "Well he did. He moved in and started classes but his mom died a month later, in October, and his dad had early onset Alzheimers. So when she died, he withdrew and moved back to Brockton and he took care of his father. His dad passed away a couple years ago, but by then the scholarship opportunities had expired and everything."

"Damn. That sucks."

Kelsey nodded. "He taught some guitar lessons at a store in Boston for awhile after his dad died. Then everything happened with me and Luke and he dropped everything, quit his job, and came here with me." She was staring at Desmond through the thick studio glass. "If anyone deserves a break in Nashville, Nick, it's Desmond." She turned to look at Nick. "He really does."

Nick rubbed his knees. There was so much he wanted to ask her about the things she'd just said. Things like who the hell was Luke and what was the whole thing that she spoke of. Instead, he asked, "So what do you do? What do you hope to find for yourself in Nashville?"

Kelsey shrugged, "Peace, I guess."

"Peace, huh?" Nick laughed, "Well Nashville's a healing place. It's a restoration ground." He smiled. "But what about like career wise? What do you do?"

Kelsey looked down at her lap, "I don't know," she answered.

"You don't know?"

She swallowed. "I used to want to teach, to be around kids. Specifically either kindergarten or an elementary grade art class. But I don't know. I don't like kids anymore." She looked away, and Nick got the distinct feeling that she was crying.

"You see vulgar teddy bears in clouds," Nick said, "You're obviously brilliantly creative. You'd be a great art teacher, I bet."

Kelsey shrugged and swiped her eyes with the back of her hands. "It's a stupid profession," she said in a tone that sounded like a quote from someone else, someone she regarded as knowledgable.

Nick had intended to press the topic, but Desmond wrapped up the guitar track in the studio and Nick turned to the computer and the soundboard and talked to him on the little intercom while Kelsey stood up and paced a couple feet away, staring at a picture of Nick with his Backstreet Boy bandmates all stuffed into an old fashioned phone booth in London in the early nineties. She crossed her arms and listened to Nick and Desi speak jargon while she stared at the face of young Nick.

A few moments later, Nick had Desmond singing through the track, listening to his own guitar track for back up, and he came up behind Kelsey. "So who was Luke?" he asked.

Kelsey turned around. "My last boyfriend," she replied. "Well. I guess he was more than that. We were engaged." She leaned against the wall and stared up at Nick as she spoke.

"What made you break it off?"

She hesitated. Then, "He wanted me to have an abortion." Nick's eyes instinctively went to Kelsey's stomach. "I did it," she said, seeing his eyes. "And I wanted to die afterwards. I felt so... guilty. And he hated me, because I was depressed, I think he felt guilty, you know?" Kelsey shrugged. "The night before we were supposed to get married, he came home drunker than anything and I was laying on the couch crying and he was so frustrated with me, he screamed at me that I'm worthless and all kinds of terrible things, and..." she looked down at her hands.

Nick wasn't sure how to respond.

"Anyway, I realized as he was screaming at me that everything that was wrong with me was because of him, from the stress and the guilt to the abortion itself to my inability to do anything or believe in myself and I called Desmond and I begged him to save me, before it was too late and I was stuck with Luke forever and couldn't ever get out." She paused. "And here we are."

"You aren't worthless," Nick said.

Kelsey smiled just a teeny smile. "I used to be happy. When I was younger, I was outgoing and bubbly and people called me a social butterfly. I knew everyone, I was tapped into everything, I was the girl with everything all together, you know, but then everything just fell apart." She paused. "He took all that away from me, and I didn't really notice until it was too late, you know? Friend by friend, he found excuses why we shouldn't hang out with them anymore, and there were reasons for me to stay home instead of working and reasons for this and reasons for that and before I knew it I was sitting home all day looking at magazines and feeling lonely and serving him all night..." She took a deep breath. "Then the pregnancy test strip was positive and I was so excited about being a mother because - well because I wanted to be a mother, but also because it meant I wouldn't be alone anymore." Kelsey had a tear about to fall over her cheek, "I've become worthless," she said. "But I wanna work on that. I wanna be something again. Next time someone asks me what I want to find for myself in Nashville or what I do, I want to have an answer." She paused. "But I don't yet."

Desmond was wrapping up in the studio. Nick felt a lump in his throat. "You deserve it," he said. "Everything. You deserve everything. The world. You deserve better than you've had."

"That's what Desi always says," Kelsey replied.