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Chapter Twenty-Five


There's been an accident.

The words echoed in Desmond's head as he walked along side Officer North through the corridor at the hospital, his sneakers squeaking on the tile. He looked like shit, his hair a mess, his sweats and t-shirt wrinkled. The harshness of the fluorescent lights glowered down at him. He clutched his hat, spinning it's brim nervously through his fingers as he walked, hands shaking.

The words had been so simple, for such life-changing words.

There's been an accident.

Desi felt dizzy and he paused, sticking out his hand to catch the wall. His stomach turned and he put his head against the pale teal and beige and closed his eyes as his insides threatened to rupture their contents. He splayed his palm, smacked the wall. Officer North came to his side and through a fog of emotion, Desi could hear vague words being offered in an attempt to soothe him, but he couldn't make them out, only the tone like the rising and falling of the sea.

Whatever Officer North was saying, all Desi heard was, "There's been an accident."

He followed Officer North further along the hallway and somewhere along the way he realized they'd been joined by a nurse and a doctor, and the doctor carried a clipboard and a concerned expression and words were again being spoken and bouncing off him unheard, he just nodded absently and followed. And then they were at a door and the tiny window in the wood door was blocked and he was led inside and the dimmed lights were kept low and the curtain was drawn around the bed and the doctor was talking some more but he couldn't hear it at all, not even the rumblings, because he knew without hearing.

There's been an accident.

He reached for the curtain and he pulled it away and he felt like the entire world had stopped spinning - it had to of, he thought.

There's been an accident.




Howie was driving. Nick stared at the street as the lights of the city glowed all around, brake lights and headlights and neon signs and billboards and house lamps all coming together like a vigil. He glanced at Howie, at the profile of his friend, the stress around his eyes. Howie was charged with empathy only, Nick thought. There was a pressure building behind Nick's chest, he could actually feel the cavity surrounding his heart, like it was closing up or filling or something. He wanted to reach over and press Howie's foot to the pedal harder, to speed up the Escalade, but Howie was being responsible. That's why he'd offered to drive after all. He knew Nick would drive like a bat out of hell and there'd been enough accidents already.

There's been an accident. That's all Desi had said into the phone, You need to come to Summit. I'm on my way now.

Summit was in an area past the airport that Nick never ventured to but the closest hospital to the part of the highway that would lead to I-65, to Nick's house... Nick's stomach turned as he looked over Howie's shoulder and saw police lights ahead and the glowing orange of a tow truck and emergency clean-up crews and even though he didn't wanna look, he looked, and he could just see the lit up shapes of a white pick-up truck with a bumper sticker of the confederate flag in one window and a twisted up blue convertible...

"Oh Jesus," he choked and he turned, putting his head down between his knees, almost throwing up on the carpeting.

Howie glanced for a split second, then turned back to the road. "Is that..."

"It's Desi's car," Nick said. He put his hands into his hair, closed his eyes. "Howie, I'm a bad person," he choked out.

"You are not, either," Howie said.

"Yes I am," Nick said, his voice thick, "This wouldn't be happening if it wasn't for me..." The built up traffic that was congesting the I-40 westbound side was blurry beyond the wall of tears that were filling up Nick's eyes as he stared out at the aftermath of the accident.

"Stop that. You were at home with us, recording a song. You weren't driving either of those cars. This is not your fault."

"It is, though. She wouldn't have been driving that car if it wasn't for me," Nick tugged on his hair, trying to get the thoughts out of his head. He closed his eyes and rocked himself. "Howie, I stole the song," he gasped out. "I stole it from Desi. Desi wrote it, he wrote it and he performed it at Bluebird and I thought it was great and I was gonna hire him to write for me and then Kevin called and he was all in my shit about gettin' the song done and I panicked and I had Jason write up this contract taking the rights from Desi on the song so I didn't have to tell you guys and I got Desi drunk and I got him to sign the contract and I told Kelsey tonight 'cos I was afraid she'd tell you guys and she left and she went to tell Desi and that's how she ended up in Desi's car and that's why it's my fault."

All that in one long breath, one long sentence. Nick was winded and he felt like everything in him had emptied out into the air in the Escalade.

Howie let out a low breath.

"It's gonna be okay, Nick," Howie said shakily.

Nick looked up at Howie. Of all the guys, he knew Howie would be the one that would understand the most, or at least be the most understanding. He covered his eyes, ashamed.

Howie put on the blinker of the Escalade a ways later, took the exit, and the car rolled around the curving loop of the ramp and into the parking lot of the hospital. Nick closed his eyes and rocked himself more, afraid of what he might be about to see. Desi's voice had sounded so... distraught. There's been an accident.

The two boys got out of the car and walked across the lot and stopped at the reception desk. Howie asked for Kelsey and Nick worked at his phone texting Desi, and they waited in a couple of chairs as the receptionist promised to get some information for them. Nick put his head down by his knees and tried to breathe. Howie sat beside him, hand reached over and on Nick's back in a reassuring way.

"Mr. Carter?"

Nick looked up. An officer was crossing the foyer. Nick stood up, accompanied by Howie, and the cop approached them. He struck out his hand for Nick and Howie to shake and he said, "I'm Officer North. Desi asked me to come find y'all," he explained. He took a deep breath. "We need to go somewhere to talk first," he said slowly.

"Is she okay?" Nick asked.

Officer North didn't answer. He led the way across the lobby, nodded at the receptionist, who nodded back with apologetic eyes, and they continued on down the hallway. Officer North located a small waiting room with just a couple chairs in it, and beckoned Nick and Howie into the room. Nick immediately started pacing as the Officer closed the door behind them.

"You may want to sit down," Officer North advised, and Howie directed Nick into a chair.

Nick looked up at the cop. "Is she okay?" he asked, his voice shaking.

Officer North's eyes were sad as they met Nick's. He shook his head, "I'm sorry, son," he said thickly, "She was killed instantly."

The air wasn't air anymore.

Nick couldn't breathe, couldn't blink.

Howie's voice shook, "What... happened?"

"There was an accident," Officer North said and Nick recognized the tone that had been in Desi's voice. This was the same guy that had told Desi. His heart sank clear to his toes. "She was speeding and we think she was trying to merge into the lane for 65 South and didn't look and she struck another vehicle. She was thrown from the car." He swallowed. "She was pronounced dead at the scene."

Nick closed his eyes.

Howie leaned closer. "I'm sorry, Nick," he said.

Nick wove his fingers together behind his neck, staring down at his feet. He felt a shudder go through him, his breath became ragged. "Fuck," he choked. "Fuck. No."

Officer North hung his head apologetically, watching as Howie tried to comfort Nick.

"She can't be dead," Nick said, voice muffled from being doubled-over.

"I'm sorry, Nicky," Howie repeated.

Tears were streaming across Nick's face, his forehead and lips crumpled, skin turning red. "But I love her," he gasped, "I love her... please... Don't do this," he looked up at Officer North, "Please," he begged.

Officer North's voice was thick, "I'm sorry, son. We did everything we could do."

Nick felt like his heart was seizing, he breathed in body-quaking pants, his face soaked from the tears. "Can I see her?" he choked.

Officer North nodded.

"I wanna see her," Nick said.

"Is that a good idea?" Howie asked.

"I wanna see her, D," Nick pleaded.

Officer North said lowly, "Many family members find it easier to cope if... they see." Howie nodded, and he stood up, helped Nick up, and the three of them stepped out into the hallway.