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Chapter Ten / 2013


Nick

I was pushing the grocery cart at Lauren's heels, relying on my sense of her movement more than actually watching where I was going. I was buried in my thoughts about Abbey and Matthew and everything. Lauren paused and looked at something and I vaguely heard her ask a question, so I just nodded and muttered a response somewhere along the lines of uh-huh.

Suddenly the cart was shoved back toward me and I jumped and knocked several cans off a shelf. "What the hell?" I demanded. Lauren was staring at me with one eyebrow cocked, her hands on the end of the shopping cart. "What'd you do that for?" I bent down to get the cans from the floor.

"I'm worried about you," she said.

I looked at her hands. She was holding a tofu-turkey. A tofurkey. "I'm more worried about what exactly you think you're doing with that football in your hands," I said warily.

Lauren sighed. "I knew you weren't listening to me. I was just saying we should make this instead of regular turkey. It's healthier."

"Thanksgiving is like the epitome of being unhealthy," I said, "The whole point of the holiday is to eat until you explode a little on the inside."

Lauren put the tofurkey back in the cooler she'd plucked it from and turned to face me. "Nick, are you okay? I know you're going through a lot right now and you've got a lot on your mind, but... you know you can talk to me about it, right? You don't have to keep it all in? I'm not going anywhere."

"I know," I said.

She sighed.

I abandoned my post at the helm of the cart and picked up an actual turkey and held it up to her. "How about this one?" I suggested.

"Nick, it's giant. You could feed an army with that thing."

"Well we'd have left overs," I said.

"For like a year," she argued.

"We could end up with someone coming over, like your dad or something," I suggested. I put the turkey back down though and dug around until I found a smaller sized one and put it in the cart with Lauren's nodded approval. I returned to the front of the cart.

Lauren looked back at her list and pulled the cart up an aisle. I walked along behind her, my mind wandering off again until once more she was just a blur that I was trailing.

When we got out to the car, I loaded the bags into the back and turned to get into the driver's seat, but Lauren caught me. "I'm driving," she said, taking the key from my hand.

"What? Why?"

"Why? Nick, you're like a zombie." Lauren turned and walked around, climbing into the car.

I climbed into the passenger seat. She stuck the key into it's spot but instead of turning on the car, she turned to look at me. "Please, talk to me about this."

"It's my fault," I said.

Lauren shifted in her seat. "How is it your fault?"

"I gave him heart disease," I replied.

"The little boy?"

"Yes," I said, nodding.

Lauren took a deep breath. "Nick, it isn't your fault anymore than it's your father's fault or your grandfather's fault that you have it," she said. She put her hand on my knee. "It's in your genes, it's a blood thing, it's not like you laughed maniacally and added it into the chromosome you gave him." Lauren tilted her head to the side. "I'm sorry," she said.

I took her hand. "I'm scared, Laur."

"Of?"

I licked my lips. "I dunno. A million things all at once. I'm scared of disappointing him now that he's got me all built up and on a pedestal. I'm scared of being a father, I'm scared he's not the only one. I'm scared what Abbey expects of me, I'm scared what you expect of me. I'm scared to lose you." My thumbs ran over her hand, kneading the skin on her knuckles.

"I'm not going anywhere Nick."

"Even though I have a kid with another woman?" I asked.

Lauren nodded.

I shuffled my feet nervously. "Laur, I feel dirty."

She smirked, "That's why I told you to take a shower before we left." She lifted her hand and kissed mine.

"I'm serious," I said. Lauren thought for a moment. Her pause made my heart race. "I mean it's been seven years that a kid that's half me has been wandering around and I had no idea. I feel like a man-whore.""

"We both have done things that we regret, Nick," Lauren said slowly, "But the past is the past and we are working on a future, you and me. I'm more focused on who you become, not who you've been. I'm more worried about how you handle the situation today than in what you did or didn't do to land you in it. See?"

I nodded.

"I'm proud of you for going back there this morning, and I think you made the right choice and I stand by you one hundred and ten percent, Nick."

It felt good to hear the words. I leaned across the center console and wrapped my arms around her, closing my eyes and squeezing her close to me. I felt weight lift off my shoulders. It was like the whole world had been sitting there, waiting for her to say that to me. "Thank you for standing with me on this," I said thickly into her hair.

"That's what families do," she said back.




Abbey

Well, Matty was right, I felt asleep during Myth Busters again. I woke up just as the second episode's credits were rolling up the screen and a commercial for some special about sharks played. I looked over at Matty, and he was laying back in his pillows, eyes half drooped. I sat up and ran my hand up the side of the bed to his hand and squeezed it gently. He looked over at me. "Hey," I said.

"Hi," he whispered.

"You okay?"

He nodded.

"Just sleepy?"

He nodded again.

I tucked the blankets around him and kissed his forehead softly, leaning forward so my elbows and chin rested on the bed. I stared up at his face. "I love you a whole bunch."

"I love you too," he replied. He looked over at the window, at the sunlight streaming in through the trees, tinted green. "Am I gonna go home before Thanksgiving?" he asked.

I took a deep breath, "I don't know."

"How about before Christmas?" he asked.

"I really don't know, lil man," I answered.

Matty sighed and he shifted his weight, pulling his hand away from mine. "It was really fun when Nick was here and we were playing games. I think he's really nice. It's really cool he came back to see me, isn't it?"

"It sure is," I said.

Outside, the wind blew, making the shadows of the leaves dance across the walls and floor of the room.

"Do I have to have another operation?" he asked suddenly.

"What? What makes you ask that?"

Matty shrugged, "Just everyone's been doing stuff for me. Dr. Monica's been bringing me candies and you've been staring at me all wet-eyed and Mr. Nick came to visit and those people with the cameras kept calling me brave. It just seems like something's going on and last time you looked at me like this it was because they had to make a patch on my ventricles again."

He was too smart for his own good. I couldn't even protect him from the truth. I took a deep breath. I didn't want to tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I'd Google searched coffins for him, I couldn't ever let him know that little boxes with balloons and butterflies painted on them existed. He could never know that. I took his hands. "I think everyone just wants you to be happy is all," I answered.

Please just accept that, I mentally begged him. Please. Don't ask me anymore questions. Please.

Matty stared at me for a long moment, then he nodded, "Okay," he replied. He snuggled into his pillows. "I think I want to take a nap, Mom, incase Mr. Nick comes back later, like he said. Okay?"

"Okay." I leaned up and kissed his forehead. "That sounds like a great idea."

He closed his eyes and I sat there with him until he'd fallen asleep, then I got up and I walked laps around the floor of the hospital, trying to get away from the nerves that coursed through my body. I felt terrible for lying to him like that, but at the same time I couldn't possibly be expected to tell him the truth, to burden him with such a load as what I was carrying. It would only scare him, would only make the world seem harsh and cruel to him, and he didn't need that. The world was hard enough for him.