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Chapter Eleven / 2013


Abbey

I found myself fussing over my hair and make-up in the little bathroom mirror in Matty's room. He was watching me from his bed the way only little kids do. The TV was chattering away - some Discovery channel thing. I swiped my lip stick over my mouth and leaned closer, smacking my mouth together to spread the color more naturally. I looked over and saw Matty imitating me, making fish lips and popping them loudly. I laughed. "What're you doing that all for?" Matty asked curiously.

I shrugged, "Just... you know... sometimes it's nice to be pretty," I answered.

Matty smiled, "Are you trying to be pretty for Mr. Nick?" he asked.

I laughed - a little too hard - and shook my head - a little too insistently. "No. No.. No this is all for me." I smiled.

"You're always pretty anyway," Matty said and he turned to the stack of games he had on the rolling tray that hung over his bed. "Do you think Mr. Nick knows how to play Battleship?"

"I'm sure of it," I replied.

Matty moved the boxes around until he'd dug Battleship out and he sat with it on his lap, staring at the cover of the box, running his palms across the picture of the boat. "Do you really think he's gonna come tonight?" he asked. He was looking longingly at the clock.

I glanced up at it as I swiped mascara onto my eyelashes. "I hope so," I answered.

Matty sighed and leaned back in the pillows.

When I'd finally finished putting on make-up and gave up on the battle of woman versus hair, I went and sat down next to Matty. He stared at me for a couple moments, a little grin playing on his face. "What?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he said, "You look different with all that stuff on."

"Good different?" I asked.

He shrugged.

It was moments like that, moments when my six-and-a-half-year-old throws me into a complete fit of self doubt, that I really missed Melly.

Melly had been my best friend before I had Matty, but we'd had dreams to go places and do things and Matty had restricted how many of those places and things I was capable of. Melly had tried at first to stand by and be supportive. For the entire first year of Matty's life she was there. But once things started getting crazy and my life was turning into series of hospital stays and overnight work binges, she slowly drifted apart from me until one day she informed me that she was moving to Europe for a year and may very well not come back. She still emails every now and then about her fabulous life abroad - because yeah, no, she never did come back - and every time I just sit there staring at the emails wondering how different my life would be if only we had left Nick Carter alone that Halloween night.

"Knock-knock," Nick's voice proceeded him into the room. Both Matty and I sat up straighter at the sound of it, Matty grabbing onto the Battleship box with excitement. Then Nick came around the corner, grinning, "Hey I hope it's okay, I brought my fiance... We can't stay long, but I said I'd come back later and --" he looked pointedly at me, "I wanted to make sure you guys knew I wasn't going anywhere." He smiled and looked back at Matty as the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life walked around him and into the room, clutching a big expensive purse.

"Hello," she said, smiling. She had big sparkley brown eyes and her make up was done like it was a professional job or something. She had a wide mouth and hair that seemed to flow like water from her head.

Was I jealous? Fuck yeah I was jealous.

"Matty, Abbey.. This is Lauren. Lauren; Matty, Abby." He waved his hand at everyone in turn and Lauren smiled, revealing brilliantly perfect white teeth.

Suddenly my make-up felt kinda ugly and I felt stupid for having put any of it on.

"My heart is all kinds of messed up," Matty informed Lauren forwardly. "Ever since I was a kid." Like he wasn't anymore.

Lauren pouted, "I'm sorry, sweetie. You seem really brave about it." She tucked some hair behind her ear. "Oh hey, is that Battleship? That's so cool. I love that game."

Nick came around the bed over to me and sat down in a chair beside me as Matty and Lauren started setting up the Battleship game. He looked at me. "You don't mind I brought her, right?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No. It's cool. I'm surprised you told her already."

"We have a very strict no secrets rule," Nick explained. "Basically it just is that we always, always tell each other the truth and react as open mindedly as we can. That's the only way to have a real relationship with trust and stuff." He smiled. "Lauren's really into that whole like talking thing."

I nodded. "Well that's cool." She was putting ships up on the board with Matty, laughing as he pre-game dirt-talked in a somewhat cocky tone. I looked at Nick, "So fiance, huh?"

He nodded.

"You never struck me as a marrying guy."

Nick laughed, "I never struck me as one either."

"So how long have y'all been together?"

"Like five or six years or something. I dunno."

I raised an eyebrow.

"We met while we were both using still," he explained. "So... the beginning's a little fuzzy for us both."

"Gotcha."

It was nice that Nick had found someone, I thought, watching her as she played Battleship with Matty. Did I wish it'd been me instead? Of course. But at least he'd found someone. Me and Nick, we probably wouldn't have worked together anyways, I told myself. I moved my hand to my mouth and tried to discreetly wipe some of the color from my lips and face.

I stared at her across the room. "You're really lucky," I mumbled.

"I know I am," Nick replied.

I looked over at him and realized he thought I was talking to him.




Nick

I really didn't intend to bring Lauren along to meet Matthew and Abbey, it really had been a timing issue. By the time we'd finished the grocery stuff and gone to look at all the furniture places on Lauren's list, I didn't have enough time to drive all the way home, then all the way back to Vanderbilt. And it seemed rude to leave Lauren in the car waiting. So in she'd come.

And I was really kinda glad, too.

After we'd said good-bye and Lauren had promised a rematch at Battleship, we headed down and got into our car. Lauren hadn't said a word he whole walk out to the car. We were on the interstate heading home before she said, "He's you."

I looked over at her, her face illuminated in the dark by the tailights of the cars ahead of us as she drove. She glanced at me for a split second before turning back and I could see the look of awe in her eyes.

"He's you, just in miniature."

"Poor kid," I joked.

Lauren shook her head, "No, Nick. It's incredible. When you told me, I kind of... I doubted, I was like yeah right what's the odds of that. I thought you were getting duped into something. I was working up the nerve to scream the word blood test at you, but... Jesus, there's no need. He's you."

"He's smarter than me," I commented. Chickenese.

Lauren rested an elbow on her window ledge and leaned her cheek against her palm, shaking her head slightly.

I stared down at my hands.

When we got home, Lauren headed upstairs to take a shower and I threw myself on the couch and turned the TV on. Even though the color and noise danced in front of me, I didn't really watch it, I lost myself in thought once again, my brain kind of rumbling over everything that had been going on in my life. It seemed like I had a lot to think about before finding out about Matthew, but I couldn't for the life of me recall what had been so incredibly stressful before. I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling.

My phone vibed and I held it up, the screen bright against the mostly dark room. It was Kevin. I took a deep breath and sat up, answering the call with, "Yyyyyyyelllo?"

"Hey Nick, it's me, Kev."

"I know," I said.

"You still in Nashville?" he asked.

"Yeah." The TV flickered and I snagged the remote off the coffee table and turned it off.

"When are you comin' out to California?" he asked, "Kris wanted me to aske you about Thanksgiving, if you and Lauren had any plans or whatever..."

Ah California. I suddenly realized in all the crazy shit that had been going on since I got home from Europe, I'd completely forgotten about the upcoming Christmas concerts tour and promotional stuff we had scheduled for December. I rubbed my eyes. Part of me was relieved, I had a reason to leave, a reason that wasn't really running, just living my life the way it used to be. Part of me panicked because this month - this one little month of December - could be the only chance I had to get to know Matthew.

"Nick?" Kevin's voice was concerned, breaking into my thoughts. "You okay, buddy?" he asked.

"Yeah... I'm fine."

"Well? What do you think about Thanksgiving all together?"

I sat up. An idea had just occurred to me. "Kev, I gotta go," I said. "I'll call you back." I hung up before he could protest and I leaped to my feet and rushed up the stairs to the bathroom door. The shower wasn't running anymore, so I knew Laur was out. I slammed my hand against the door. "Lauuuuuuren," I called, "Lauren, I had an idea."

She opened the door, wearing her baggy old sweatpants and one of my clean t-shirts. She had a towel on her head. She raised an eyebrow as she turned back to the mirror, rubbing cream into her face.

"What if we asked Abbey and Matthew to come to Thanksgiving?" I suggested.

Lauren glanced my direction, still working the cream into her skin. "I thought of that too," she said. "Do you think he'll be out of the hospital by then? It'd be a lot of fun... We could bake cookies." She grinned.

"I dunno. I could ask Abbey," I suggested.

"Yeah, you should ask Abbey," Lauren answered. "I think Abbey could use the break, too. I can't imagine what she's going through."

I slunk over closer to her, wrapping my arms around her, tucking my face into her turban-towel. She smelled like flowers and soap and warmth and something sweet. I squeezed her close. "Have I mentioned how fucking perfect you are?" I asked.

Lauren mused, "Hmmm, not lately. You can feel free to tell me again."

"You're so fucking perfect it's like -- like -- like you were a -- a puzzle piece -- and you were cut out just for me or something," I said.

"God you're poetic," she said in an only slightly sarcastic tone. She turned in my arms and stared up at me, rubbing my shoulders. "I'm really proud of you."

I kissed her forehead, and looked into her eyes as I pulled back. "You know," I said, "I've been having cold feet about the wedding for the last like month or whatever but..." I shook my head, "Laur, I don't think I need to worry anymore because if you can stand by me through this, then there's nothing you and me can't get through together."

To this day, it still blows my mind that I said those words less than a month before everything everything changed for us.