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Chapter Twenty / 2013


Nick

That night on the drive home from Vanderbilt, I made a decision and I called Eddie before I could rethink it. He wasn't happy, but I didn't back down and by the time I pulled into the driveway I'd officially backed out of the entire Christmas season tour. I felt bad for the fans, and I knew we were going to get a lot of complaints about the choice and lose a lot of money, butit was important. I needed the month of December to be with my kid, just in case, despite all the positive thinking we were doing, the worst came to be. I'd missed enough.

Lauren's car was in the center of the driveway and I chuckled to myself as I climbed out of my car because I knew where she'd gone. I was gonna have to practice my surprised face all month so I looked appropriately shocked when I opened the present and found the PS4. I grabbed my drawing of the Ninja Turtles, which Matty had given to me, and headed inside the house.

"Hey, I'm home," I shouted. "I'm sorry I'm late-ish, but Abbey wasn't up at the hospital today, she went home for a couple hours, and I didn't wanna abandon Matty at the hospital all by himself." I threw my keys onto the hook at the door and kicked off my shoes. I walked through the dark entry way to the kitchen and flipped on a light, headed to the fridge and stuck Matty's picture up with two magnets. "What'd you do all day?" I shouted, taking the second picture - the one I'd hijacked out of the toy catalog, the five-star wish - out of my pocket and hanging that up, too.

No answer.

"Laur?"

Still nothing.

I headed back out to the foyer and flipped the light on the stairs on and jogged up them, my footfall thundering. "Hey Lauren? You in the shower babe?" There wasn't any light on under the bathroom door, so I headed for the bedroom and pushed the door open. She was laying in bed, the covers pulled up to her chin, eyes closed. Air fluttered the curtains through the window, pouring in all freezing cold. I snuck around the bed, not wanting to wake her up, and pushed the window shut. I wondered if she was sick or something 'cos even though I was late coming home, it wasn't actually late, it was only seven.

"Hey, you feeling okay, baby?" I whispered, leaning over her and gently putting my hand on her forehead. It felt a little clammy, like she was sweating. "You okay?"

She rolled slowly over and looked up at me, "I just don't feel very good, that's all. I'll be okay."

"I'll go get you some meds," I said, standing upright.

"No, that's ok. I already took some," she replied. "I just need to sleep it off."

"Okay..." I said. I walked around the bed and pulled my sweatshirt and t-shirt off, tossing them onto a chair in the corner, and I started undoing my belt.

"What're you doing?" she asked.

"I'm gonna hold you," I replied.

"It's okay Nick, I don't want you to get sick, too," she replied.

"But you always want me to hold you when you're sick," I said, confused.

Lauren nodded, "I know, but... but if you get sick, you won't be able to see Matthew."

She was right. I hadn't thought of that. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Boosa."

"Don't be sorry," she replied.

"I love you," I told her.

"I love you too," she answered.

I went back downstairs and I turned on the TV and flicked through the channels and the DVR programs, feeling restless and uneasy. Anytime someone I love is sick, I get this way. I shuffled my feet on the floor and I sat forward, then back. At some point, I fell asleep.

I know I fell asleep because the next thing I knew, I was being awakened by the sound of the doorbell ringing. My neck had bent in a weird direction during the night and I stretched it to the side as I waddled, still half asleep, through the early morning light to the front door. I pulled it open to find Brian standing on the stoop holding his duffle bag, his car parked up behind mine in the driveway. "Morning!" he shouted, grinning.

"Hey Frick," I mumbled, still half asleep. "You're here early."

"You're an hour behind me, I forgot, and I drove over early anyway... Dr. Danielson's lecture thing is at eleven and I wanted to be here in time to settle in before I went to that and..." he looked at me funny as I bent my cricked neck the other direction, rubbing it. "You okay there?" he tilted his head to match mine.

"Yeah, I'm a'ight. Lauren wasn't feeling too great last night, and I guess I ended up sleeping on the couch," I answered.

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Are y'all okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Okay? yeah we're great. I mean she literally wasn't feeling good, like a cold or --" I didn't even get to finish the sentence before Lauren appeared at the top of the stairs looking so gorgeous that even Brian couldn't help but stare a moment. "-- or something," I stammered lamely finishing my sentence.

She descended the stairs, a big smile on her face, "Morning Brian, you're here early."

He nodded, "Yeah. Yes, yes I am." He glanced at me as if to say, this is her sick?

"I take it you're feeling better?" I asked her.

"What? Oh. Yeah, I am. A lot better, thank you sweetie." She kissed my cheek, then turned to Brian, "How was the drive up from Georgia?"

"Great," Brian answered. He looked around, "I like this new place you guys got here, it's really open and bright."

"Thanks," I answered.

Lauren started gushing about the features of the house, pulling Brian along on a tour of the downstairs. I followed behind, trying to figure out how she'd gone from the sweaty mess I'd come home to last night to this perfectly healthy, almost glowing picture of sexiness that she was this morning. It didn't make sense.

After Brian had gotten the grand tour of the new house, he put his bag in the spare bedroom upstairs and he and I headed off to Vanderbilt to see Matty and Abbey and Dr. Danielson. Lauren opted to stay home, just in case she was still sick.

In the car on the way up the highway to downtown Nashville, Brian said, "So. How are you doing handling all this anyways?"

I shrugged. "You know, it's funny," I said, "I always assumed finding out there was a kid of mine out there used to be like my worst nightmare, but it's really not that bad. The worst part is knowing there was so much time that I missed with him, really."

Brian nodded. "So was that why he wished to meet you? Because he wanted to meet his dad?"

"He's a fan," I replied.

"So he didn't know when he wrote the essay who you were?" Brian asked.

"Not a clue. He still doesn't..."

Brian looked surprised, "He doesn't?"

I shook my head, "Abbey wanted to wait until she knew I wouldn't run off scared or something. I feel like I'm on a 90 day probation period or something with him. Except I don't know how long she plans to wait. The only people that know are Kevin, you, me, Abbey, and like two doctors at the hospital. Nobody else knows."

"Abbey's the mother, then?"

I nodded.

"This all must be really weird for Lauren," he commented.

"She's been super supportive," I answered. "It's incredible how awesome and understanding she's been."

"Leighanne would've had a cow if I ever had this issue," Brian chuckled.

"Please. You'd never have this issue, Brian."

"Well, I mean... yeah, that's true," he laughed.

"Lauren's been great," I told him, "She's even met Matty. She helped me bring Thanksgiving dinner over there. Her exact words when I told her about all this was that everyone makes mistakes and she's more interested in the future than the past."

Brian shrugged, "I'm just saying if I was somehow in that situation, if Leighanne was just cool with it, I'd seriously be wondering why."

I gnawed my lower lip. "What're you saying, exactly?"

I didn't want to be feeling defensive. I didn't want Brian to be saying what I was thinking he might be insinuating. His face turned red. He clearly didn't want me to be getting defensive either. And I tried to remind myself of that even as my temperous blood started to boil just under my skin cells.

"I'm just saying, like, maybe there's - there's a reason, that maybe --" he faltered. Then he stopped, "Nevermind, Nick. I know Lauren wouldn't hurt you like that, so it's stupid I even said it and I don't want to fight with you."

"Okay." I decided to just let the topic drop, even though I could tell Brian was just saying what I wanted to hear to appease the situation and had not actually voiced his actual opinion.

We quickly changed the topic to other stuff for the rest of the ride. But I'd be a liar if what Brian had said didn't start churning around inside me like a nearly silent storm rumbling in the distance of my consciousness.

When we got to Vanderbilt, we walked inside and took the elevator up to Matty's floor. "Heyyy," I called as we entered the room. Abbey was asleep on the chair, Myth Busters on TV, Matty sitting up eagerly watching.

A big grin spread across his face, "Nick! I was hoping you'd -- OH NO WAY!" Brian had walked in the room behind me and Matty's eyes had doubled in size, "NO WAY!"

"Matty, this is my -- my best friend, Brian Littrell," I said, stepping aside so Brian could swoop up to Matty's beside.

"Hallo!" Brian said energetically, a big grin spreading across his face, "How're you doin' man?" He held up his hand for a high five, which Matty enthusiastically gave.

"I'm good!" Matty exclaimed. I noticed he glanced over my shoulder to see if there were any other Backstreet Boys in tow. "This is so cool. Are you here so I can audition to be the next Backstreet Boy? I know all the lyrics. I told Nick the other day that if Kevin hadnt'a come back I could've been his replacement if you needed, but he came back. I have all your CDs."

Brian laughed. "You have... the... Black and Blue CD?"

"Yes!"

"How about Millennium?"

"Yes! Of course!" Matty laughed.

Brian rubbed his chin. "Okay. How about the brand new record, In a World Like this, do you have that one?" Matty rolled over, whipped open the drawer by his bedside, and produced a copy of the album, which he held up proudly. Brian laughed, "Well, I guess you've got all the albums then."

"I have This is Us and Unbreakable and the Backstreets Back and the Backstreet Boys one and --" he started rattling off pretty much everything we've ever released, and Brian nodded, eyes wide in the amazed expression that Matty was expecting him to have.

I nudged Abbey. She stirred, "Mmm?" She blinked slowly awake, and I noticed for the first time how long and thick her eye lashes were as she peered up at me through them. "Nick?"

"Hey," I said. I smiled as she struggled to sit up. She spotted Brian and she blinked again - this time in surprise. "I have a little bit of a surprise."




Abbey

As a mother, I've never been fond of waiting rooms. I always picture Matty laying on some table somewhere in the depths of the hospital, crying and begging them to let me come hold his hand. I know that the reality of it is probably nothing like that - especially when he comes back telling me all about these super cool machines he got to ride through or whatever - but I can't help but imagine it the entire time he's gone. I sat in the chair in the waiting area, my knee bouncing with nerves, as Nick paced and Brian flicked through a magazine in the chair directly beside me.

I looked over at Brian and I noticed he was watching Nick out of the corner of his eyes, never turning the pages of the magazine he held, just... watching Nick discreetly. It occurred to me that Brian knew Nick better than anyone else in the entire world. I hesitated.

"Hey Nick?"

He turned around.

"I - I'm sorry, I don't dare to leave the room in case they come back, but I - I'm really thirsty." I fished into my pocket for some crumpled dollar bills. "Can you go get me a cranberry juice?"

Nick blinked in surprise. "Uh... yeah. Sure." He waved away the money, "I got it."

"But -" I waved the money at him.

"Seriously. I got it." He turned and left the room.

I hesitated just long enough to know he was out of ear shot, then I turned to Brian. "If you had something you had to tell Nick and you didn't know how to tell him it, because it wasn't particularly good news, how would you do it?"

Brian lowered the magazine. "You figured out how to tell him he has a kid without too much trouble, what other not-particularly-good news could you possibly have for him?" he asked with a chuckle.

I squirmed. "I don't really want to talk about it..." I said, "I just... I need to know what to say to him."

Brian stared at me for a long moment, analyzing me. "Like a bandaid."

I knew exactly what he meant. Quick and simple, without too much warning so he couldn't build up how bad it was going to be when he heard it in his head. Just one quick pull and it's done.

"Thanks," I said.

Brian nodded. "Just out of curiosity, why didn't you tell him before now? About Matthew, I mean."

"We only had a one night stand," I said, "He's an international pop star. It's the most ridiculous situation I ever could've landed myself in, one I never dreamed of being in, even in my wildest teeny-bopper dreams. Nobody would've believed me if I said anything, and he wasn't in a place that he could've helped me. He was going through his own shit, that was obvious from the one night I spent with him."

"He could've sent money," Brian said logically.

"I didn't want money," I replied.

"You needed it," he said, waving his arms around to indicate the situation, the hospital bills.

"It would've hurt too much to have him involved, even remotely, without having him in our lives," I said. "I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's stupid and it's selfless to a fault or something but I didn't want to have a part of him out of obligation. That's part of why I almost didn't tell him even now, when he came here. Part of why I haven't told Matty yet. I just want to know this isn't an obligation he's infatuated with right now that's going to be forgotten a month from now." I paused. "If Matty's still here."

Brian took a deep breath. "He cancelled a tour."

"What?"

"He cancelled the tour we were supposed to be doing this month. Cancelled it to be here. With you guys." Brian's eyes searched mine. "I've known Nick for twenty years, Abbey, and he has bailed out on, like, three shows - ever. He's performed sick, he's performed through grief, stress, under the influence... He stayed on stage after being called to hear his sister passed away." He took a deep breath. "Basically what I'm saying is if he cancelled an entire tour to be here with Matthew, then he's all in."

I didn't know how to answer. The words Brian said spun wrecklessly through my head. I was picturing the strength that had radiated in Nick's eyes in those videos of the night Leslie had died. I remembered watching those videos from that show and feeling my heart break for him. It never occurred to me just how remarkable it was that he'd stayed on the stage. I remembered people complaining about it, people saying he was heartless. But the tears had said otherwise. I didn't know that he'd cancelled the tour for us, he hadn't said anything about it. I'd only been semi-aware that there was a tour in December he was supposed to be embarking on, I'd completely forgotten the tickets he'd offered Matty on Day One. It hadn't even occurred to me that having shows to do in December meant him not being around everyday, like Matty and I had very quickly become accustomed to.

Before I could find words or even wrap up my spinning thoughts, Nick came back in the room with my cranberry juice and Brian picked up a different magazine.

"I had to go halfway to kingdom come to find cranberry juice in this place," Nick said, handing it to me, "None of the vending machines had it. I had to go down to the cafe. Sorry it took so long."

"It's cool," I replied. I'd specifically asked for cranberry juice because I knew how far you had to go to get it. I knew everything in every one of the vending machines clear across the entire hospital campus. I'd spent three-quarters of Matty's life here. "Thank you," I said. But I didn't mean for the cranberry juice. I meant for the tour. For being all in.

Nick nodded.