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Chapter Twenty-One / 2013


Abbey

When Dr. Gordon Danielson came to get us after running tests on Matty for the good part of the morning, I couldn't help but appreciate his age. He looked like he was wise and would know everything there is to know - like Yoda of cardiology. Monica was with him, and led us all up to her office to talk.

"Matty's getting settled back up in his room," Monica told me. She smiled, "He liked the big machines and wasn't scared at all." She winked.

Dr. Danielson settled into one of the chairs as Nick sat on the arm of mine and Brian sat in the third one. He took a deep breath, "We did an echocardiogram and an ECG, and from what I can see, it looks like there's been a lot of attempts at repairs to Matthew's VSD over the years," he said.

Monica nodded, "As you know, two of them are mine. The rest were prior to my involvement with the case. It seems like the muscle isn't strong enough to uphold the repairs, though, and reopens during the recovery time."

"Matthew's septum wall is damaged to a point that it is beginning to effect the atrial champers as well as his ventricle chambers," Dr. Danielson said. He sighed. "For a young kid, he has a very, very old heart. And unfortunately the only thing I can really recommend is that he needs a new one."

Monica stared down at the papers on her desk. I felt Nick's hand tighten on my shoulder. I hadn't even been aware it was there until he tightened it. I blinked up at Dr. Danielson, at that wise old Yoda man, and I asked, "What does that mean?"

"It means we've changed Matthew's status with UNOS from a 2 to an 1B." Dr. Danielson said. "The good news is that, because he's got both myself and Dr. Potter listed as his physicians, he is now on multiple waiting lists. Here at Vanderbilt on Dr. Potter's list, as well as my own list. That increases your likelihood of being selected. We're going to start him on the immunosuppressant medication today so that his immune system can begin preparing."

I closed my eyes.

"That said," Dr. Danielson's voice boomed louder when I wasn't staring at him, sounded stronger, sounded more certain. "We've given Matthew a device he can wear like a watch that will keep track of his heart rate and oxygenation levels in his blood. This way he can be monitored without being here, at the hospital."

I opened my eyes.

"I think it would do Matthew very well to get to go home for the holidays."

"But what - what you said he - he needs a heart transplant..." I stammered. "I - how can he go home and be - be worse than he was? I don't understand."

"There's really nothing that we are doing for him here at the hospital," Monica explained, "He is stable with his vitals. There's no reason for him to be cooped up here. Just... make sure he takes it easy, that he's resting, and taking his medication and wearing the monitor at all times. We'll have at least four visits a week to monitor him ourselves, but I agree with Dr. Danielson, there's no reason that Matty shouldn't be able to go home for the holidays and experience a --" she paused, looking at Nick, then back at me pointedly, "-- family Christmas."

Nick shifted his weight. I suddenly could feel his presence a thousand times more than I had even the moment before. He was all in, I told myself, all in. He wasn't going anywhere. All in.

Monica held out a beeper. "And keep this with you at all times. This is how UNOS will be notifying you of a potential donor."

I took it, my hands shaking.

Dr. Danielson nodded, "Bring him home, enjoy the holiday. Make it one to remember. And meanwhile, we will do everything to get him the miracle he needs to have many more family Christmases." He smiled.

"When?" I asked. "When can he go home?"

Monica looked at Dr. Danielson, then turned back to us. "Tomorrow. We'd like to monitor him overnight on the wristband before sending him home, but after that -- he's all yours."




Nick

I expected Abbey to be more excited as we headed back to Matty's room. She was hugging herself, staring at the wall of the elevator, like she was traumatized. I nudged her. "You okay?" I asked. Brian was watching from the corner.

Abbey reached out and hit the stop button on the elevator.

"I'm scared," she said. "They're sending me mixed signals and I don't know what to believe. Is he really as sick as they say, or is he better? Is he dying? Is this really a good choice? Is he so close to death that they're sending him home to be comfortable? Is this like granting me time to be with him before he passes away? Are they hopeful? Doubtful?" Abbey's eyes flashed with each question. "I don't know what to think. What do you think?"

I shrugged, "I think he's gonna like being able to go home for Christmas."

Brian took a deep breath, "They send patients on the UNOS wait list home a lot," he said. "If they can, they send them home so they can be comfortable, so they can live as much life as they can while they wait, in case they have to wait for a long time. In case what they're waiting for doesn't come. That's the difference between 1B and 1A. 1B is the people that are home, and 1A are the people that don't have that option." He looked between the two of us. "Dr. Danielson sounded pretty hopeful to me."

I looked at Abbey.

She sniffled and rubbed her nose. "He seems really smart," she said.

"He is," Brian assured her. "He's the very best there is. He's very highly respected. If he's confident that transplantation is a good idea for Matthew, and he's certain enough it'll happen that he's starting the immunosuppressants then I think you can be fairy hopeful."

Abbey nodded.

I smiled, "See Abbey? Its gonna be okay." I reached out a hand and rubbed her back softly. "And you and Matty can come over and spend Christmas with me and Lauren at the house. And you can come decorate our Christmas tree, too. It'll be great. It'll be like we're a family, the four of us."

Abbey smiled.

I reached over and hit the go button on the elevator and we moved up another couple floors.

Then she stuck out her hand and her palm pressed the elevator stop button again. "I can't," Abbey announced.

"What?"

"We can't be like a family, the four of us," Abbey answered.

"What? Why not?"

"Because, Nick," she said, "The other day, at the mall, when we were in Teavana, I saw Lauren in the hallway kissing the guy from Game Stop." The words had come out all in one breath and they hung there in the air between the three of us, so thick and heavy it was hard to believe they weren't really visible. Brian was leaning against the wall, eyebrows shot nearly off his forehead they were raised so high. "I'm sorry, but that's why. I thought you should know." She reached for the elevator button again.

I stayed her hand.

Abbey stared up at me.

"Why - why would you say that?" I asked. "Why would you try to break me and Lauren up?"

Abbey licked her lips. "Nick, I'm just telling you what I saw. I'm not trying to break you and Lauren up --"

"It sure sounds like you are," I muttered.

"-- I don't know if there was a reason they were kissing, if that's like a normal thing or --"

"Normal?" I hooted, "In what way would Lauren kissing Travis be normal?"

Abbey looked uncomfortable. "I don't know! I don't know what kind of -- limits -- you have set on your relationship..."

"I'm not a polygonist!"

"Polygamist," Brian mumbled.

"That's what I said!" I snapped at him. I turned back to Abbey, "Lauren wouldn't kiss Travis, that's - that's wrong, you must be mistaken. You weren't looking at the same Lauren I was. You probably saw someone you thought was Lauren, but it wasn't her."

"At the exact same time you actually saw Lauren at the mall?" Abbey asked.

"I don't know," I answered. I felt like I was being squeezed into a corner, like Abbey and Brian were both towering over me, like I was very, very, very small and the world was very, very, very big and I was very, very, very alone in it.

Brian eyes were swiveling back and forth between us like he was watching a tennis match or like one of those damn Felix the Cat clocks.

"Lauren wouldn't cheat on me," I said, and even as I said it, I heard the whiney five-year-old tone in my voice.

Brian cleared his throat.

I looked at him.

He turned red in the face. "N-New York," he stammered.

It was Abbey's turn to look between Brian and I like she was the Felix clock.

"That was one time," I said, "And it was a mistake."

"What happened in New York?" Abbey asked.

Brian rubbed the back of his neck. "A couple of us were - out - and - we thought - that we might've seen Lauren at a bar and - she denied it, but - it turned out --" he licked his lips. My glare made him end the story there. Abbey looked at me. Brian continued,"Nick, what if --"

"We're engaged now, were both grown up a lot more than we were then. She wouldn't do that to me," I said. "Not again. And last time she had a reason. I'd done it to her."

Abbey looked at me with wide eyes.

"It was a long time ago," I said. I turned to Brian, and said, through my teeth, "We've discussed this. Ad nostum."

"Ad nauseum," Brian corrected.

I growled. I swear to God, I growled like for real.

Brian held up his hands in surrender. "I just don't want to see you get hurt, buddy, that's all."

"Me, either," Abbey spoke up.

"I'm not getting hurt. She's not hurting me. I know her, and you're both wrong. You're wrong." I punched the elevator go button and the car slid up to Matty's floor and the doors dinged open and we stepped out.

I kept my jaw clenched tight, my eyes stoney. I balled my fists and walked with resolution, as though I was certain of myself, of my feelings, of Lauren, of the foundation of our relationship, of the tell-each-other-everything lifestyle that I'd fallen into, of the trust I had in her. But I had a feeling that I was trying to make myself believe in my certainty as much as I was trying to make them believe in it. I really, truly wanted to believe that I was right. Because it scared the shit out of me that I might be wrong.