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Chapter Twenty-Two / 2013... and a little 2012


Nick

I was never a one-woman guy before Lauren. I had a couple relationships that lasted a little bit of time but I was never really exclusive with any of those women. We had what is fashionably called open relationships. I just kind of floated from one bed to another, many nights I didn't even remember which girl I was with because they all became a blur in my mind. I called all of them baby, just so I wouldn't mess up the names. Then I met Lauren.

When Lauren and I first started dating we had the same sort of situation going on. She was seeing this guy with big biceps that I didn't really want to tango with and she was seeing me and I was seeing this girl with big boobs and blonde hair. Then it seemed like I saw less and less of boobalicious and more and more of Lauren, who was seeing less and less of biceps and more and more of me, and eventually it just kind of happened that neither of us had the side dishes. And we never really talked about being exclusive or anything, it just kind of happened.

Until one day I met this girl and I was drunk and Lauren was back in LA and I was on tour and it'd been awhile since I'd - you know, gotten any. And I was very, very spoiled that way. So when the girl slid into my bed I told myself it was fine because Lauren and me, we weren't really, officially exclusive. She found out about it of course, the way that everyone finds out about everything in our little clan. AJ talked. AJ told Rochelle, who told Lauren, who had flown out to New York to meet up with us. She confronted me and I defended myself with my argument that we'd never talked about being exclusive and Lauren said, "We aren't exclusive? Fine."

Two nights later, Brian and Leighanne swore they saw Lauren in a bar downtown in New York while they were out and they came back to the hotel ratting her out to me. I was hurt and I mentioned it to her and she said she hadn't done anything wrong. And that whole ordeal caused this colossal argument between me and Brian because I called Leighanne a liar, accused her of just hating Lauren, and me, and wanting to turn Brian against us both. It wasn't until I went into a full swing of depression over the fallout of the argument with Brian that Lauren came clean, admitted she'd cheated on me in New York - but only because I'd cheated on her first.

"You cheat on me, and I will cheat on you," she said in a rage that night as we fought about what had happened in New York. "I can't stand thinking I'm losing you to someone else," she said. "I need to know you're mine." And then we finally talked about the whole exclusivity thing.

Brian never quite got it that we'd been open before that. He never really understood the concept of an open relationship to begin with. So it wasn't technically cheating, what Lauren and I had done back then. We'd dedicated ourselves to each other since then. I'd given her a ring and a promise to love her forever and we'd stood on an island surrounded by our dogs and our friends and we'd pledged to spend the rest of our lives together. In March, we planned to do it again, legally, officially, in front of all the people of the world on TV and everything. In my heart, we were already married. It was just the step of making it legal and all that, like signing a written contract after already making a verbal one.

Which is why I didn't believe Brian and Abbey. Despite the past.

Brian and I drove home from Vanderbilt in almost absolute silence. I think we said maybe two miniature conversations the whole way home, and one of them was about the weather being unseasonably warm for this time of year, which barely counts as a conversation.

When we pulled up to the house, I stared at it, feeling sick.

"You okay?" Brian asked.

I took a deep breath. "I don't want you to be right."

"I know."

We sat there in the driveway for several moments before I pushed open my car door and started across the walkway. Brian followed. Nacho came prancing downstairs to greet me and I scratched behind his ears as Brian hung up his jacket. Lauren came down and I stared up at her, feeling the question rumbling in my guts. She kissed me enthusiastically and smiled at Brian with glowing eyes that I'd once believed I could see her soul through. Now they seemed deep and mysterious, like they were concealing secrets I couldn't even imagine.

"We gotta talk a minute," I said.

"Okay," Lauren replied. "I ordered Chinese for us all."

Brian smiled. "I'll be... in the other room.. somewhere.." he ducked away into the living room.

"Let's go upstairs," I suggested.

"Okay."

Lauren followed me up the stairs to our room and I closed the door behind me and turned to talk to her about everything and she reached for the button on my jeans as she came forward and pressed her mouth to mine. For a split second, I almost forgot what I was about to ask her, about to melt into her, to let the sex happen, but I heard Abbey's voice in my head and I stopped her hands. "Laur," I said, "Wait a second, hold up. I have a confession to make."

She blinked in surprise. "A confession?"

"Yeah," I said.

"What is it?" her eyebrows cinched together.

"The other day... yesterday... I didn't spend the whole entire day at Vanderbilt with Matty."

Lauren stared up at me. "You didn't?"

"No. I spent part of the day with Abbey."

The cinched eyebrows undid and her eyes widened and she said, "You did?"

"Yes," I answered. "Nothing happened between me and her. We just... we went Christmas shopping for Matty, and we went to --" I paused. I licked my lips. "We went to Green Hills Mall."

I knew Brian and Abbey were right the instant the words were out of my mouth because I saw Lauren's eyes shift from concern for what had happened between Abbey and I to what I had seen between Travis and her.

"Oh?" she whispered.

"Abbey saw you and Travis," I said quietly.

Lauren stared at me, the corner of her mouth twitching slightly. After a few long, intense moments, she looked away.

"Did you... sleep... with him?" I asked.

Lauren took a sharp breath of air and stepped away from me, over to the dresser, staring into the mirror at the reflection of me over her shoulder. "Nick," she said, "Can't we just forget about this?"

"Was he here?" I asked. "Last night? When I came home?" I looked at the window, at the tree outside it, at the lawn below. I felt my stomach churn and I laughed cruelly, turning to look at the bed, "Was he in my bed?"

Lauren turned around, "Nick, its not as -- as dramatic as all that, okay? It was just sex. It didn't mean anything."

"It does mean something," I answered.

"Says the king of meaningless sex," Lauren scoffed.

"I'm not the king of meaningless --" I started, but Lauren interrupted me.

"You have a kid with some slut you banged seven years ago, Nick, how the fuck do you think that makes me feel?" her voice shook the walls as she yelled it. I know Brian had to have heard her downstairs. Probably the neighbors did, too. I felt my cheeks flush red. "You talked about phone number girl for years before you proposed to me, Nick, what the hell am I supposed to think when you're gone all day everyday for the last week spending time with her? And I meet her and she's fucking gorgeous and you're all doting over the kid and when I said I wanted kids you were like I hate kids and not even interested." Lauren wrapped her arms around herself and shouted, "You're trading me in. So... so I found someone who wanted me!"

"I wanted you, you dumb bitch!" I yelled back.

"Wanted! Past tense!"

"Only since I found out about you and Travis!"

"I told you - if you cheat on me, then I'll cheat on you," Lauren said thickly, voice lowering.

"I didn't cheat on you," I answered, also lowering my voice to match hers.

Lauren shook her head, "Maybe not yet, but give it time and you would've. Eventually." She rubbed away tears from her eyes and her mascara smeared on the side of her face a little. "Nick, we were perfect for each other, you and me. But she's got your kid. And you've fantasized about the girl attached to the phone number in your book for years. It was only a matter of time."

I thought about the magnetic feeling that had charged between Abbey and I the day before, when I'd almost kissed her, when I'd stayed my reaction because of Lauren. I thought of the way her hand felt in mine when I'd pulled her through the mall, the way I'd touched her shoulder, rubbed her back, the way I always wanted to hold her and tell her that everything would be okay, even though I didn't really know that. I thought about how, if I had the power, I'd fight tooth and nail for her and Matty to be happy and healthy.

God damn it, I thought, maybe Lauren was right.

She stared up at me. "I'm sorry," she said, "I was wrong to cheat on you. But you're going to cheat on me, too. And I didn't want you to have that kind of power over me - the power to break my heart." Lauren sighed. "I guess I wanted to break yours first."

"Well you did a helluva good job," I choked, and I felt heat behind my eyelids, threatening to become tears.

Lauren came close and she put her hands on my cheeks and she pulled my face to hers and our mouths touched and I kissed her as deep as I ever had, feeling like it was a moment I needed to press into my mind, and that if I kissed her deep enough it might leave a lasting mark, like one of those old fashioned stamping machines. After a long, long kiss, I pulled away, and I turned to the closet and grabbed a couple shirts. Lauren watched, standing by the dresser, her hand lightly resting on her lips. I went in the adjoined bathroom and took my toothbrush and toothpaste. "I'll be back for the rest of my stuff tomorrow," I said.

Lauren nodded silently.

I jogged down the stairs to the living room. Brian was sitting in the chair, hands folded in his lap, biting his lips. He looked up when I stood in the door way.

"C'mon, Frick," I said, "Let's go see about a hotel."

Brian grabbed his duffle bag from the floor. He must've gone upstairs for it while Lauren and I were talking. He already knew we'd be leaving.




Abbey

Matty had a tough time going to sleep that night, he was so excited about the prospect of going home the next day. Even after I'd tucked him in and we'd shut off the lights, he lay in bed, his eyes wide open, staring out the window beyond me at the moonlight, chattering away about all the Christmas traditions we needed to make sure happened during the next month, and even counted the days until Christmas one by one on his little fingers. He wiggled around when I told him he needed to sleep, and pulled the blankets to his chin and closed his eyes real tight and waited a couple seconds. "It's not working," he said, "I think my sleep is broken." He rolled to look at me again, "Are we going to bake the cookie people?" he asked.

"Of course," I answered, "What would Christmas be without gingerbread men?"

"And you'll make the lasagna?"

I nodded, "I always do. Now go to sleep."

"Okay. I'm trying." He lay quiet for a couple moments in the dark. I thought maybe I had him this time, but then... "We need to tell Mr. Nick!" He sat upright in bed, looking at me a panic, "Mr. Nick doesn't know where we live. What if he comes to the hospital tomorrow looking for me and I'm not here and he thinks we aren't friends anymore? Mommy, we need to tell Mr. Nick so he can still come see me!"

I stood up and walked over to the bed and gently guided his shoulders back to the mattress, tucking him in again, "I already told Nick, honey," I said. I brought the blankets up to Matty's chin and gently swiped his hair of his forehead, "Nick knows where we live, I told him, and he's going to come see you." I paused, thinking of the resolution in Nick's eyes and the way he'd set his jaw when I told him about what I'd seen at the mall. I looked down at Matty. "He might not come tomorrow because he's very, very busy, but he will come see you. He knows you guys are still friends, don't worry."

Matty stared up at me, "I really like Mr. Nick being my friend, I don't want him to not be able to find me. You're sure he knows where we live?"

"I'm positive," I answered, "I showed him the other day, when Monica sent me home, I showed Nick our apartment."

"Why?"

"He was hungry and I made him macaroni and cheese," I answered.

"You didn't show him my super heroes, right? I want to show him my super heroes. He's going to think they're so cool."

"I didn't show him your super heroes."

Matty nodded, content with that answer and he snuggled into the pillows again. I kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep. Soon enough it'll be time to wake up and all your dreams will come true." I ran my hands through his hair as his eyes started to get droopy and his head turned gently into my hand, his cheek softly pressing against my palm. "That's right, sweetie," I whispered, "Go to sleep..."

I sat there, waiting until he was breathing deep and rhythmic, and his little eyelids were no longer fluttering in resistance, then I slid off the bed and back into the chair and I leaned back and closed my own eyes, only to find I was having the same trouble Matty had been having. Falling asleep was nearly impossible.

I thought about Nick and I wondered if he was okay, what he was doing, if he'd talked to Lauren. For his sake, I wanted to be wrong about what I'd seen. I wanted him to be right, that Lauren wouldn't ever do that to him. He'd been so happy, I thought. I'd seen pictures of him online over the time that he'd been with her and he'd been happier with her than I'd ever seen him before. And he'd been so proud of how supportive she'd been about Matty and everything that it was a shame that it'd been all tainted with a terrible underlying motive.

I couldn't picture doing that to Nick. I couldn't picture needing more than Nick. I mean, I guess I didn't know him before, really, I only caught a glimpse of who he'd been back in 2007, but I was getting to know him pretty well now, and he seemed like the full package. How could anyone have someone like Nick and not be completely fulfilled? I mean seriously, it'd been seven years, sure, but I could certainly remember the details of that one night with Nick and it couldn't be for a want of sexual supplement that anyone would cheat on the guy, that's for damn sure. And he listened, and he did things like squeeze your shoulder when you received bad news and hold your hand in a crowded mall so you didn't get lost. He did the little things. The things that count as big things in a relationship.

I lay there thinking about it until the moon light filtering in through Matty's window faded into sunlight and the sounds of traffic began to echo in the streets below. That's when I finally fell asleep - when the world reminded me that no matter what happens day to day, the morning comes and life goes on.