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Chapter Twenty-Eight / 2013


Nick

I fell asleep on the couch. I didn't even realize I'd fallen asleep until I woke up during the night to the feeling of a blanket being laid over me and tucked in on my side. I peeked through my eyelashes, being careful not to let myself be seen peeking. I closed my eyes again and I felt a soft touch, pushing my hair away from my forehead.

I opened my eyes and looked up at her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean to wake you up." She held up a pillow, "Lift your head up, sweetie."

I did, and she slid the pillow under my head, fluffed it just a little, then motioned for me to lay my head back down. The pillow was soft and felt immensely better than just the plain couch. "I realized I had run off without giving you any blankets or pillows or nothin'..." she said quietly.

"Yeah well, I kissed you without giving you any warning or nothing," I replied.

Abbey's cheeks turned slightly pink. She reached around me and tucked the blanket in around me into the crevices in the back of the couch. "Sleep tight," she whispered.

"Thanks."

She nodded, then started to walk away. She only took three steps before she turned back and knelt down on the carpet by my head. She stared at me for a long moment through the darkness, the Christmas lights hanging out on the balcony glowed through the window, illuminating her softly. She licked her lips, hesitating.

"What is it?" I asked quietly.

"It's just --" she paused, looked down at the couch cushion a moment, then leaned in a kissed me. One of those tiny, tingly type kisses that last but a second. A peck, really. And then another... and another... our lips barely pressing together. She hung there, her mouth just hovering over my own, our eyes locked, then leaned in and kissed me again, a little longer this time... and again... and again... each time lingering longer and longer, like she was heating up or something. I just kept my chin leaned up and let her kiss me, my senses all rushing to the nerve endings in my lips.

Then she stopped.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. She got up. "Goodnight," she added, and she scampered away down the hallway again. I heard the bedroom door close behind her.

I lay there, my mouth tingling, my body's blood flow redirected to my crotch, my heart pounding, ears practically ringing. I took a deep breath and let it out all slow-like and rolled over onto my stomach, tugging the blanket onto my shoulders to my chin. I stared out at the Christmas lights. In the distant dark, I could see a plane coming in to land at the airport behind her apartments. My crotch felt like it was struggling to breathe, she'd turned me on then dumped me here. I felt like a twelve year old staring up at a poster on my ceiling of Signourey Weaver.

I wanted to go after her, but I didn't think it'd be appropriate. Obviously she was conflicted and confused - just as much so as I probably should've been, considering I was the one just emerging from something as serious as Lauren and I had been. And it's not that I wasn't confused or conflicted it was just one of those weird things that you can feel is right, whatever the circumstances surrounding it might be.

And those circumstances, in this case, were most definitely very, very wrong. But...

I could still taste her on my lips.

I fell asleep somehow, falling under waves of thought, imagining going after her, banging on the door, ripping her clothes off and tumbling to euphoria.

Matty jumped on me bright and early, followed closely by Nacho, whose feet thundered down the hallway of the apartment. "Morning Nick, good morning," Matty sang as he sat straddling my chest. Nacho licked my face. I struggled to pull my face away from Nacho while trying not to knock Matty off my chest.

"Oh Jesus. What time is it?" I asked.

"It's time to wake up," Matty replied, wiggling as he crawled down to sit on my legs and jumped off the couch.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Matty, what did I tell you? Don't wake Nick up," Abbey's voice was hushed. Like he hadn't already woken me up. "Get out here if you want pancakes."

"With chocolate chips?" Matty squealed and I heard him rush out of the room.

Nacho kept licking my face. I opened my eyes as his big pink tongue smeared across my nose. I pushed his face away. "Stop that," I groaned at him. He wiggled across me in a way that signifies he's gotta pee. I sighed and pushed the blanket Abbey had given me off and sat up. I looked around for a clock as Nacho rushed to the door and started spinning in circles, barking after each revolution. It was seven.

Seven o-fucking-clock in the fucking morning.

I ran a hand across my face. "Shit," I groaned into my palm.

Abbey's head poked out of the kitchen. "Good morning," she called.

I looked over at her. "Is it?"

"Did we wake you up?"

I blinked.

Abbey smiled a little awkwardly, then ducked back into the kitchen. "Do you like pancakes?" she shouted.

"Are they whole grain?"

"No."

"I love them," I answered. I pushed myself up off the couch, resigned to the fact that I had to get up. Nacho was about to take off on the floor.

"Not a fan of the whole grain?" Abbey asked.

"Not particularly."

Matty was holding a big bag of chocolate chips. "My mom makes the best pancakes on the planet, even better then Pancake Pantry," he added. "She puts the chocolate chips." He waved the bag.

"Sounds good," I said.

"Carbs and sugar for breakfast," Abbey said, "We dont do this often." She paused, "But... I don't know. I guess it's... kind of a special occasion."

I nodded. "It is."

I grabbed Nacho's leash from the back of the dining room chair, where we'd left it the night before and I snapped it into place. "I'm gonna go outside with Nick and Nacho," Matty said, tossing the chips onto the counter.

"Okay," Abbey said.

So we stood out there - me, Matty, and Nacho - waiting for Nacho to pee three times, and Matty stared up at the grey-blue sky overhead, spinning, while Nacho inspected every blade of grass that stood three inches or higher like he was hunting for gold. "Hurry up, please, dog," I grumbled.

"This is a special kinda day," Matty announced.

I turned to look at him. "Is it?"

He nodded. "I dunno why, but it feels special."

"Does it?"

He nodded again. He looked at me. "We're having the pancakes today. Pancakes is only for special days. We should do something special." He looked back at the glowing Christmas lights on the sliding door of the apartment, a smile spreading across his face. Then, just as quickly as the smile had come, he turned back toward me, his eyes on the little watch on his wrist. He looked up at me. "Do the doctors think I'm gonna die?"

The question caught me by surprise. "What?"

Matty licked his lips. "I just... I don't get to go home usually. Not until I've had a surgery or something. But this time..." he shrugged. "And plus, I heard my mom crying one night. She thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. She was sitting in the chair by my bed and she was crying a whole lot and --" he stopped, his little puffs of breath coming out and hanging in front of him. "You know I'm not scared, right? I just think I'd like to know what's gonna happen."

Nacho was pulled to the end of his leash, snuffling a bush. Matty came over beside me. I put my arm around his shoulders. "I don't think it matters what the doctors say," I said.

"They're doctors though," Matty said, leaning his head into my hip.

"So what, they ain't God, they don't really know shit," I said.

Matty stared up at me, eyebrow raised at the curse word.

"Sorry. I shouldn't say that word. But seriously buddy. It's all about what's in here." I tapped his chest.

Matty sighed and watched Nacho, who was kicking dirt, burying the pee he'd just done. I reeled him in and bent to lift him up. "I know they only give wishes to dying kids," he said. "And you're still here. Is that why?"

I shook my head. "I'm here because..." I paused. Because I should've been here sooner, I thought. Because I should've been here all along. Because you deserve a father. Because I want to kiss your mother. Because I'm slowly falling in love with this life that I could've had for the past seven years that I lost because I was too busy being drunk and addicted to know it was passing me by. My mouth was dry. None of these things were appropriate to say to him. "Because I think we all need each other."

Matty nodded.

"I know I sure needed you guys," I said. Matty smiled and pushed open the apartment door... and there was Abbey with a plate of pancakes, a little bit of batter on the side of her cheek, her eyes bright, cheeks rosy, hair messy, clad in those plaid pajama pants still. She looked beautiful. Matty danced into the room and I realized that Matty was right - today was a special kinda day.




Abbey

I'd forgotten we'd put Jeraldo in the fridge until Matty let out a shriek of laughter going after the maple syrup.

It was Nick's idea to decorate inside the apartment for Christmas after the pancakes were gone. "We'll start with a Christmas tree," he announced, "A real one. With the big bulbs. Like this." He held out his finger and thumb in a circle to indicate the size of the bulbs. Every word he spoke seemed to light Matty up, like he was breathing new life into him. And maybe he was, I thought. Maybe Nick was exactly what Matty had needed all along.

The adventure of tree buying underway, Nick led the way to the car, Nacho tugging along ahead of him, Matty taking twice as many steps as Nick to keep up, talking a mile a minute about the ornaments we had. I locked the apartment door and looked down at the two boys, like reflections of each other, walking to the car.

I felt bad having run off on Nick after our kisses the night before. I'd just been so scared of all of the feelings. There'd been so many bumping around in me like a pinball machine, lighting up my heart and my ribs. Fears, concerns, blips of anticipation and excitement... I didn't want to be a rebound, I didn't want to be something Nick fell back on in the emptiness that followed Lauren's departure from his life, but my heart wanted so bad for him to fall for me. In my wildest dreams, I'd kiss him and he'd pull away and whisper something like 'wow' and we'd fall into each other and the scene would go all blurry like in the movies and we'd be at the wedding, the rice and flowers falling all around us, doves flying off with bouquets with banners declaring our love...

"Abbey you comin'?" Nick laughed from the car.

I realized I'd managed to fall into a fantasy more akin to a Disney movie than reality. I jogged down the stairs and joined them at the car. "Sorry," I said, and swung into the car.

We drove down the street to this little Christmas tree lot a few miles away, where the boundaries of the lot were lined with trees and a giant blow-up Santa that stood waving to the passersby from the roof of the little shack that served as a florist shop during the summer. We walked among the trees, Nick shaking them out and holding them up to inspect them, all of us collaborating together to spot the flaws until we found one that was full and beautiful and altogether perfect. The guy working for the lot helped Nick hoist the thing onto the roof of the car and tie it through the windows to assure it stayed put on the ride home. We found Christmas carols on the radio and drove back, Matty in the back seat shouting out the lyrics to Jingle Bells enthusiastically and I couldn't help but think how much like tradition the expedition felt, like something I could picture us all looking forward to doing each year as Thanksgiving crawled into place and the holidays began.

When we got home, Nick carried the tree into the apartment and we put it up in a stand in the corner of the room and let the boughs settle while we ate a late lunch. Then Matty and I sat on the couch making construction paper chains while Nick battled with string lights, trying to rope them around the tree. There was something homey and comfortable and warm about the cold outside, pressing against the glass doors and the glow of multicolor twinkle lights reflecting off Nick as he moved around and around, his arms stretching and bending, displayed perfectly in the tank top he was wearing. I smiled as Matty sang Sleigh Ride with his little lisp and Nick made horse noises on cue that sounded only vaguely like a horse.

More than once, his eyes met mine and I wondered what he was thinking, if the feeling of our lips touching was haunting him the way it was haunting me.

We popped popcorn and decorated the tree as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came on TV that night, and Nick held Matty up to stick on the plastic angel I'd had since I was a little girl. Matty placed her up on the very top of the tree and we stood back to appreciate our handiwork as the elves of the North Pole sang to Santa. Then we all snuggled up together on the couch, Matty sprawled across us, his head in my lap, his legs strewn across Nick's, Nacho draped across him in the center of it all.

It was like we were a family.

When Matty started to snore, I looked over at Nick. "I think it's time for someone to go to bed," I whispered.

Nick nodded. He slid his arms under Matty's little body, lifting him up gently, bracing his head and his legs and he carried him down the hall softly, Nacho padding along in a sleepy manner behind. I opened Matty's bedroom door and Nick laid him on the bed and Matty sniffled and rolled, waking up ever so slightly to get comfy in bed with a big yawn. He wrapped his fingers around his pillow case.

"I'll be out there," Nick whispered.

I nodded and stared down at Matty. "I'll be right out," I said.

"Okay." Nick helped Nacho up onto the bed, where he promptly curled up at Matty's feet, and then tiptoed out of the room.