[ - ]
Table of Contents [Report This]
Printer Chapter or Story Microsoft Word Chapter or Story
- Text Size +
Chapter Thirty-One / 2013


Abbey

"Oh my God!" I gasped as I fell back into the pillows. Nick fell beside me, panting as he hit the mattress with a thump. His hair was a mess, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He stared at me through his eyelashes, pulling the blankets up to his chest as he gasped for air.

This wasn't later that night after the whole conversation about fun, great, that's it. No, this was two days later - our fourth night in a row of putting Matty to sleep only to scamper into my room to hump like horny rabbits. Three absolutely mind-blowing nights, with agonizing days that seemed endlessly full of anticipation. Yet we'd still managed to not talk about what we were were becoming and where we thought this was going.

I stared over at him, the moonlight spilling in the window, illuminating the contours of his face in high contrast. He stared back at me, blinking with heavy lids, his mouth still parted as he struggled to breathe. I wondered what it would be like to wake up every day next to him, to be Mrs. Nick Carter. It couldn't possibly be as magical as it seemed in my mind at the thought of it, could it? But then, how could it not be? I mean, he's Nick Carter.

I reached out my hand, pressing it against his bare chest, feeling his heart beating against my palm. He put his hands over mine, pressing it closer against his skin. I swallowed, thinking of that heart in there, thinking of the way hearts look in xrays and cardiograms and stuff. I'd seen so many pictures of hearts in the past seven years... They look nothing like Valentines and stuff, they're more like lima beans in shape than the traditional hearts. They look rather wonky. But that's okay. Something as screwed up and complicated as love should be contained in something that's rather wonky.

I licked my lips. "Nick," I whispered, "What is this?"

"Besides fun and great?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "What are we?"

He shifted a little, his weight moving the mattress, sending a tremble through it. He took a deep breath through his nose and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, shoving one arm under his head. My hand remained on his chest.

"I think we're two people," He paused. "I think we're -- we're something. Something there isn't really a word for, I guess."

I had a lot of questions about that definition, but I didn't have a chance to ask them because at that exact moment, the bedroom door creaked opened and I slammed a pillow into Nick's face, covering him from view. I sat up, hugging the blankets over my chest. Nacho preceded Matty in the door, jumping up on the bed and rushing up between Nick and I and scratching at the pillow I'd buried Nick under, like he was trying to unbury his master. Matty was rubbing his little eyes, a disgruntled, sleepy look on his face. "Mommy," he muttered, "I had a nightmare."

"Aww sweetie," I cooed. My heart was racing, despite my comforting voice. I hesitated. "Let's go get Gator and talk about it in the living room," I said.

"But Mr. Nick's in the livin' room," Matty said.

Right. About that. I glanced at the pillow Nick was hidden beneath. I looked back at Matty. "No. Um. Nick had a nightmare, too. He's in here because he was scared. I just got him back to sleep. You and me will go out there."

Matty glanced at where Nacho had pushed the pillow up to reach Nick's face. Nick was struggling to remain asleep-looking as Nacho nudged him with his wet nose. "Ohhh," Matty whispered, "Okay. I'll go get Gator."

"Okay. See you in the living room." I waited until Matty had turned the corner of the bedroom door, then I launched myself up to my feet, snagging my clothes from the floor as Nacho leaped into the space I'd just vacated, spinning and laying in the heat my body had left behind as I struggled to yank on my bra and a t-shirt.

Nick opened his eyes.

"We'll be in the living room," I said.

Nick nodded.

I shrugged a sweatshirt onto my shoulders, and I was about to leave when Nick grabbed at my wrist, stopping me from walking away. He stared up at me, an almost desperate look in his eyes. "Abbey, I --" he stopped. He seemed to be struggling with words.

I heard Matty's door close and I knew he was on his way back. "Shh," I said, despite the fact that I so desperately wanted to know what he was about to say. "Shh, you're asleep." I darted out of the room, carefully closing the door behind me to close Nick into the room behind me as I joined Matty in the hallway.

He was clutching the big stuffed alligator and I followed him out to the living room, where he climbed up onto the couch, not even noticing that Nick's blankets weren't even slightly messed up. I sat next to him and he curled into me, pressing his face into my chest, and I wrapped my arms around him. It amazed me how tiny his body felt in my arms, how frail his frame felt. It was moments like this - in the dark, when he was sad and little and pressing against me - that I most feared the prognosis because that is when it felt the most real.

It was when he was tiny like this that it felt the most possible for him to be gone.

"What was the nightmare?" I asked him, rubbing my hand along his shoulder.

"I don't remember but it was scary," he said thickly. He sniffled. "I didn't want to be alone no more. And my watch beeped." He held his wrist up for me to see.

He'd had a spike in blood pressure that the monitor had alerted him of, but it looked like he was back to normal now. It must've been just nerves. I pictured him all scared and alone in his bed, listening to his heart rate monitor beeping, and I felt guilty. I realized I'd been so focused on Nick that I'd started to lose touch with Matty.

"i'm sorry I wasn't there for you," I said.

"What'd Nick nightmare about?" he asked.

I shrugged, "He couldn't remember either."

"How come Mr. Nick and Lauren broked up?" Matty asked. "I liked Lauren."

I sighed, "Because... sometimes people make mistakes and things happen and people make bad choices that hurt other people."

Matty thought for a moment. "If I make mistakes, will Nick stop being friends with me?"

"No," I answered.

"Why?" he asked. "He did with Lauren."

"It's different," I replied.

"Why?" he asked.

"It just is," I answered, "It's one of those weird grown up things that's hard to explain. Someday you'll understand. But I promise you Nick won't stop being your friend."

"Okay." He snuggled into me and wrapped his arms around me and I felt his breathing get more and more rhythmic as he started falling asleep. I thought he was out completely when he said, "I love you."

"I love you too," I answered, rubbing his back.

"You think I'll get my five stars present?" he asked.

I still hadn't looked too much through that toy catalogue, I realized. I didn't know what he five-star wanted yet. I had the Pokemon DS, but I still hadn't gotten up the urgency in my gut to go shopping and searching for something that could very well be the very last thing I ever gave him. The thought of it terrified me. But I knew one thing for sure: whatever it was in the world that Matty wanted, I'd make damn sure that he got it, whatever it took.

"I'm sure of it," I said.

"Good," he said happily and he drifted off to sleep as I sat there in the dark, staring out the sliding glass doors to the parking lot and beyond that the moon that had lit Nick's features so perfectly in the other room and I wondered where I'd be a month from now... and who I'd be with.




Nick

When I got up, I found Abbey and Matty both asleep on the couch, snuggled up together like one of those pictures of penguins. They had the blanket I'd been using all week wrapped around them, Abbey's head leaning against the top of Matty's, his pressed into her side. I tiptoed past them into the parking lot with Nacho to let him go to the bathroom. I stood out in the grass, the damp morning chilling me through my sweatshirt.

I was in the middle of a huge yawn when my phone vibed in my pocket. I tugged it out and glanced down to see Lauren's name on the screen. I felt a lump rise in my throat. I took a breath to strengthen myself, then answered it. "Hello?"

"Hey," her voice was thick, like she'd just been crying. Like maybe she still was. I felt my heart go out to her. I wanted to wrap my arms around her, tell her that everything that was bothering her would be okay. It made me sick that I could feel like that... but I couldn't unlove her just because she'd unloved me first.

"What do you want?" I asked, forcing myself to sound colder than I really felt.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm about to move the last of my things out of the house," she said.

The thought of the house being void of all the little touches she'd added to it made my heart ache. I looked down at my feet, at the color of my sneakers against the dead-grey-green of the grass below. I rubbed the back of my neck. "So you found a place to go then," I said.

"Yeah," she answered.

"Travis's?"

"Yeah," she confirmed. Then, "Are you at Abbey's?"

"Yeah," I answered.

She sniffled. "I figured that's where you'd go."

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm sorry that everything happened. Between us. Both you and I. Both of us were... not perfect."

"I know," she replied. "And I'm sorry, too. I hope you know that."

"I know," I said. "You really helped me grow... and I really loved you... You were the first person I ever imagined spending the rest of my life with, you know."

"You were the first I imagined too, Nick," Lauren's voice was heavy. "I didn't believe this would ever be a conversation I would hold with you."

I sighed. "Yeah. But... but at least we're holding it like adults, right?"

"Right."

"That's gotta count for something."

"I think so, too," Lauren agreed. She paused. "Nick, I'm glad for you. I know I've been really shitty to you and everything, and I know I broke your heart, but... I think it's going to be good in the end. I think you're going to be better off in the end. I think you needed this. I think you needed her."

I looked up at the sky. It was overcast and cold looking. Nacho was finished, and he was tugging toward the apartment, already conditioned for which way to go to get inside. I wanted to go inside, too, but I wanted to finish this conversation first. "I hope Travis is as good for you as Abbey is gonna end up being for me," I offered.

Lauren laughed, "He's not you."

"Nobody is me."

"Trust me. I'm painfully aware of that." Lauren paused, "You're an amazing guy. Abbey's very lucky."

"Good bye, Lauren," I said because I didn't know what else to say.

Her voice cracked. "Good bye Nick."

I hung up the phone and shoved it into my pocket.

I felt strange... like I'd grown.... like I was a better person.

"C'mon Nacho," I said. "Let's go for a jog first."

He looked up at me like he hated me as I started jogging around the complex of Abbey and Matty's apartment buildings, balling my fists and moving at a moderate pace for Nacho to keep up with. He waddled along beside me, his claws clicking on the pavement as we moved, my sneakers thunking, sweat building up under my arms and across my forehead, my heart rate increasing slowly. Every step I took felt like liberation, every puff of breath I exhaled felt like a declaration. And by the time I'd completed a lap around the complex, I felt like the future was going to be just as amazing as it was unknowable.