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Chapter Thirty-Four / 2013


Nick

I was sitting in the waiting room at Vanderbilt almost an hour later, my fingers laced behind my neck, staring down at my shoes. I tapped my foot nervously. I hated waiting for answers, and I hadn't seen anybody since Matty had been pulled off the ambulance. Monica Potter had been waiting at the bay for us as the vehicle pulled in, Matty's eyes closed, EMTs scrambling around him while I sat dumbfounded in the corner, shaking, holding his hand. He had a little oxygen mask over his nose, and his fingers had slipped away from mine as they wheeled him away into the hospital. "We're gonna take care of him," Dr. Potter had said, then she'd directed me to go and wait until they had news. My hands were sweating, I could barely breathe. All I could think about is how stupid I'd been, taking him out, not asking Abbey about doctors phone numbers or anything, and knowing nearly nothing about what to do if something happened.

I heard Abbey's voice in the hallway before I saw her. "Where is he? Where's Matthew?" She was shouting. I took a deep breath and got up and walked out into the hallway, following the sound of her panic-stricken voice. "Bring me to my son!" she screamed.

I came around the corner to find her leaning against the receptionist desk. "Abbey," I called.

She whirled around at the sound of my voice. "Nick!" Abbey ran toward me, the receptionist looked thankful I'd taken her off her hands. Her arms closed around me as she body slammed against me, her face pressing into my chest as tears fell across her cheeks. "Where is he? Is he okay? What the hell happened?"

I wrapped my arms around her, too. I could feel her trembling. "Dr. Potter's got him, I don't know much else." I started leading her down the hallway, back to the waiting room I'd been deposited in. Abbey clung to me, like I was holding her up, and I probably was. "We were walking 'round the mall and he suddenly said he was really hot --"

Abbey squeaked back a sob.

"-- so we got his jacket and sweater off, then we were walking again, and he wanted to take a break and he just -- I don't know. He was clutching his chest and everything, and -- I - I panicked and I started yelling for help. I was like, I need help - and someone called an ambulance and -- I dunno, we're here. And Dr. Potter said she's gonna take care of him." I guided her into a seat. She rocked herself gently as I sat next to her. "I'm sorry."

"I shouldn't have let him go," Abbey said, "He was saying he was hot earlier and -- he gets hot, he gets hot -- and I thought of it, and I didn't do anything or say anything --"

I rubbed her shoulder and we sat there in the waiting room together. Outside in the hallway, we could hear people shouting and a couple times doctors ran by and there was always something going on, always someone needing help, always something happening that kept people moving. I had this moment of surrealism as I sat there thinking about that, where I realized that every single person in the hospital had exactly the same wish at that moment. Everyone wanted their somebody to get better and none of us had the power to make it happen except these godlike doctors walking among us who knew that even their powers were limited, whose powers could only go just so far before things like fate and the perseverance of the human body had to take over. It occurred to me, sitting there in that waiting room, that we're all fragile and helpless when it really comes down to it.

Abbey's body felt warm in my arms. I didn't know what to say or do, so I just held her closer than I think I've ever held anybody in my life. It was a strange thing how much life had changed for me since Eddie had told me I'd be doing the Christmas Miracles program. To think, at the time, I thought that I was the one bestowing a miracle wish. All along, it'd been me getting one.

"He can't die," Abbey whispered thickly.

I shook my head. I couldn't even say the words.

It seemed like forever. The clock couldn't possibly have been moving at real speed. I found myself staring at the hands, making sure they were really moving, just feeling Abbey pressed against me. Now, I ain't a prayin' kinda guy - I usually leave the prayin' up to people like Brian who are homeboys with God, you know? That seems more effective to me in the long run. I mean, God ain't gonna say no to someone with as much good-boy credit as Brian's got, right? But sitting in the waiting room, staring at the clock, I realized I was thinking the same prayer over and over and over again...

Please God. Let us be a family. Please.




Abbey

Monica came into the waiting room with a slightly pale, worried expression on her face. She stood there in the doorway and took a deep breath, then started towards us. "No," I said, because I could see fear and hurt in her eyes. Because I thought the worst.

"Abbey, it's okay," she said, "Right now, he's stable."

Those two words were like gold. I choked a squeal of relief and I leaped from my seat in Nick's arms to hug her, but she held up her hands to stop me before I could. "But." I stopped in my tracks, my heart suddenly in my throat again. "His heart's over worked. He had an episode of congestive heart failure. We came very close to losing him. Dr. Danielson was the hero today. He got Matthew set up for a bypass with an extra-corporeal membrane oxygenation."

"What's that?" Nick's voice came from behind me. I could hear the tremble in it. I could feel the tremble in it - it was the same tremble running through me.

"It's a heart-and-lung machine. Essentially, it's a machine that is pumping the blood through his arteries, completely bypassing his heart. The blood is moved through the machine just before entering the heart, is oxygenated remotely, then replaced in Matty's veins on the other side. It gives his heart a chance to -- to completely rest."

"Rest?" I whispered.

"To take a break from beating."

I felt sick. "His heart isn't beating?"

Monica hesitated. "No," she said finally, "It's not."

I covered my mouth.

"The ECMO is a temporary solution until we can get a donor heart to replace his with," Monica explained.

"So he's safe. Until he gets a heart, he can just stay on the ECMO, right?" I asked. I felt giddiness starting to wash over me. This was bad but it was also kind of good. I wouldn't have to be worrying constantly, he'd be okay, we just had to wait. Eventually, surely a heart would come for him. He had time to wait now. He had time. And time was the best Christmas gift I could possibly have from him.

Monica's eyes said otherwise. "Unfortunately," she said slowly, "I wish I could say that he could stay on the ECMO indefinitely, but I can't... Abbey, most children live less than two weeks on the ECMO." Her voice had a very final tone to it. "And it's extremely risky performing the transplant because the body is more likely to reject an organ following ECMO. But there was no other options. This was the only way to save his life." She let out a low, shaky breath of air, tears threatened her eyes. "Abbey, this is Matthew's last chance."

I felt like I was falling. It wasn't until Nick swooped in and caught me that I realized I actually was falling. He held me up, let me lean against him. I felt dizzy and cold and hot all at once and Nick's arms were the only really solid thing I could feel. I knew Dr. Potter was still talking, but the severity of the situation, the reality that Matty could die very soon, was hitting me like a wall of bricks.

This was real.

"He's asking for you both," Monica said slowly, "And I'm going to bring you in to see him."

"He's awake?" I asked, incredulous.

She nodded. "But I need you to understand and remember that he is fresh out of a surgery, he doesn't look good. He is still partially open." Monica waved her hand at her chest to indicate where Matty's chest was split.

I nodded.

Nick's hands tightened on my shoulders as we followed Monica away from the comfort of the waiting room and on to the childrens' ICU.