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Chapter Thirty-Six / 2013


Nick

We never left Matty's side that day, Abbey and I. We stayed right there beside him. I think we were both afraid to. Everything felt so perfectly fragile, like everything was balancing on one another. If any of us moved the whole thing could come crumbling down. So we sat, waiting for a miracle and playing board games and coloring. At least that's what we did until the ICU's visiting hours ended and Dr. Potter came to show us out.

Abbey took Matty's hand. "We're not leaving the hospital," she promised. "We're gonna sleep right here, right in a waiting room. We're never far away, okay?" She bent low and kissed Matty's forehead.

"Okay, mommy," he said. His eyes swiveled to me. "Night Mr. Ni---" he paused. "Daddy."

I felt my throat tighten at the title. I smiled and stepped up as Abbey backed away and planted a kiss on his forehead, too, only a little awkwardly. "You, too, buddy."

Matty stared up at me for a long moment, then he said, "Take care of my mom for me, okay?"

I glanced back at Abbey, whose eyes were wide and watery, then I turned back to Matty. I took a deep breath. "You're going to be okay," I whispered, "You're going to take care of her yourself." I stared into his eyes and it was there I could see the afraid-ness, the desire to make sure life would go on for those he left behind. I shook my head, "Don't gimme that look," I said thickly, "Don't even worry about that stuff." I bent lower and said - so quietly that even Abbey couldn't possibly have heard me, "Fuck what the doctors say, buddy. You aren't gonna die. I ain't had enough time with you yet. Okay? So don't you say good bye." I pulled back. "You understand me?"

Matty nodded.

"Okay good. I'll see you in the morning then."

"In the morning," he agreed, nodding.

I ruffled his hair and I followed Abbey out of the room after we all exchanged I Love Yous. Dr. Potter led us out of the ICU. She leaned against the door as we stepped into the hall of the general hospital atmosphere. She took a deep breath, "He's going to be okay. Don't worry. He's in good hands." She reached out and gave Abbey a hug.

Abbey nodded and the tears were flowing when she drew back from the hug. Monica waved at Abbey, "You heard the little fella, Nick. You take care of her. Good night you two."

"Night," I answered as I slid my arm around Abbey. "Hey," I said, "Hey it's okay."

"He practically said good bye," she choked.

I led her down the hall to a little waiting room and we let ourselves inside. "He's going to be okay," I answered, "You gotta just... believe... believe in miracles, you know?"

"It's awful hard to believe in a miracle I've been praying for over seven years' time, Nick," Abbey replied. "It's damn hard." She sank into a chair as I started pulling blankets and pillows from a closet in the corner. They smelled like moth balls and laundry detergent and hospital. Abbey covered her eyes.

I threw the blankets and pillow down onto the floor and pushed a chair against the door to keep it closed and give us some privacy. I walked over to her and pulled her up from the chair gently, tugging her right into my chest. "C'mere baby," I whispered and I pressed my face against her hair, breathing her in.

Abbey wrapped her arms around me and I felt her face snuggle closer to me, her tears soaking my chest as she cried onto me. I swayed gently, rocking her to and fro. She shook in my arms. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to make everything better. And I guess that's one of the signs that you really, really love someone, when you can feel like you'd take the whole world up for them just to make'em smile again.

"I love you," I whispered.

She started crying harder.

At some point, we lowered ourselves onto the blankets I'd thrown all over the floor and slid underneath them and I held her 'til she fell asleep crying - tears punctuated by little nervous hiccups. I gently pushed the hair off her forehead where it was all stuck to her skin funny and stuff. I lay there staring up at the corner of the room where the walls met the ceiling, thinking, wishing... I guess praying and waiting, too.

I closed my eyes.

I suppose I fell asleep... because the next thing I knew I was being awakened by a loud humming - the vibrating of a cell phone against a hard surface. I rolled and I looked up and I saw both mine and Abbey's phones on one of the little end tables beside us - both screens lit up, Abbey's the one currently vibrating, dancing in little circles around the table. I reached, stretching my arms for it, and grabbed hold of it.

"Abbey," I shook her. "Abbey wake up. Dr. Potter's calling."

I swiped my thumb across the phone. "What's happened?" I choked, afraid of the answer.

"You need to come back to the ICU immediately," Dr. Potter said, her voice shaking. "This is it."

"On our way." I hung up and I turned to Abbey, whose eyes were open, a frightened expression on her face as she stared up at me from beneath the blankets, her eyes wide. "We gotta get back to the ICU," I said.

Abbey's eyes filled with tears. "I'm scared. I don't wanna go."

I pulled her close, "I know it's scary, but we gotta go there baby, you'd hate yourself forever if we didn't go. We gotta be there."

Abbey nodded, and we got up, left the blankets as they lay on the floor. I dunno about Abbey, but everything seemed to move in slow motion for me, like we were moving underwater, like the whole world was at half speed. I clung to Abbey's shoulders - as much to steady myself as to steady her - and we walked down the hallway, retracing our steps we'd taken the night before, back to the children's ICU, back through all the antibacterial stations, back to the room where we'd gotten the gowns. I tied hers at the back of her neck and bent low so she could tie mine.

We were pulling on gloves as Dr. Potter came into the room. "Quickly," she urged, "He's asking to see you."

Abbey choked back a sob... and we followed Dr. Potter out of the room.




Abbey

I wasn't prepared for this. After seven years of worrying and nightmares and rushing to hospitals in the back of ambulances... I still wasn't prepared. I could never prepare. I was so thankful for Nick's hands on my shoulders - all heavy and there and reassuring. I don't think I could've followed Monica if it hadn't have been for him. I couldn't have moved or breathed. I put my hand over his, holding him there so he wouldn't go away, so he seemed more real.

I realized they must have moved Matty because his door had been close enough to the room with the gowns that the night before I'd just stuck my head out to find Nick. Yet Monica was leading us away from that room, down the hallway, her doctor shoes tapping the floor as she moved hurriedly. "Right this way... right this way..." she ushered us along.

And then she stopped and she reached for the handle of the door and pushed it open and we spilled into the room. It was a preop room or something, different than the rooms Matty had previously been in. And there was a curtain pulled shut around the bed and we couldn't see him until Monica reached for it and pulled it back and ----

It was Phil.

Old Phil, the veteran with the bad hip that'd been wandering around for months in the hospital hallways. My mind spun out. "What? What's going on? Where's my son? What are you doing here?" I choked.

Nick's hands tightened on my shoulders.

"What a way to greet a dying old man," Phil's voice warbled out of his mouth all shaking and uneven. He held out a hand to me. "Get over here." I walked numbly, leaving Nick behind. I glanced back. He looked stunned, his jaw dropped in surprise. I reached Phil's side and he grabbed onto my hand. "Well ain't you a pretty sight for these old sore eyes," he mumbled.

I stared down into his old eyes... and then I realized what he'd said. "Dying? You aren't dying."

"I am, sweetie," he said. And he patted my hand, staring up at me. "Now you listen here. When I go - and I'm about to - I'm givin' my ticker to your kid." He patted his chest.

I felt my knees weaken, "But --"

"No buts," he interrupted, "I only have a couple requirements."

I nodded. Tears were pouring down my cheeks, unstoppable. Phil reached up and thumbed them away from my cheeks. "Now now, stop crying, this is all just sentimental bullshit, really. You've been a good kid to me, always sayin' hi and the like. Not many people take time to greet an old man in the hallway, not many people take time to come visit me. Your kid plays a mean game of Battleship, let me tell you." He took a shaking, shallow breath that was evidently supposed to be quite deep, but didn't quite reach where he had wanted it to go. He winced, and I squeezed his hand and he opened up his eyes and stared up at me. "Yes, my requirements. Now, I want my heart to serve the kid well and I know it ain't gonna last him forever - it's an old heart -- some might even say too old, but it's good, I've taken care of it, and Dr. Potter says it'll keep him good until he can get a better one someday. Maybe some fancy cyborg crap like they been working on in them tech labs they got at the government." He eyeballed me. "So I want you to make sure that kid of yours takes care of it, too. Make him exercise or some crap. Don't let him become some lazy bum out on the street. If he's gonna be carrying around my heart he's gonna have to hold his own, not be some using creeper. Maybe he can become a cop or a soldier or something. He's gonna have to be brave. So you're going to have to make him that way. Be a good mother and all that crap, no breaking this heart with bad words and shit." Phil cleared his throat. Then he looked over at Nick. "And you. You better be there for them. Take care of them. I ain't gonna be around to shove my walker up your ass if you hurt'em anymore but don't think a second my heart ain't gonna get real pissed off if you hurt'em. I'll haunt you 'til the day you die, boy, you understand me?"

Nick stepped up closer, "You ain't got nothin' to worry about there, old man," he said. Nick's voice was so calm and level and I remembered, as he reached out and patted Phil's knee, that he'd grown up around old people at the nursing home his mother worked at --- I remembered reading about that with Melly years and years and years ago.

Phil looked back up to me. "You tell that boy to follow his dreams everyday," he said thickly. "Every damn day you wake up you follow your dreams because thats how you save lives." He let out a shaking breath. "This was my dream. I said to Dr. Potter when I first met you that when I go I wanna save that boy's life with my heart if he ain't got one yet, and she said I'd have to keep my heart in good shape, and doggone it if I ain't walked a mile around this hospital every day since to keep it beating good for him."

I thought of all the times I saw Phil walking around the hospital with his walker, taking steps with faces of determination -- all that time I'd thought he'd been exercising for himself, for his hips, because of doctors orders and all that time it'd really been for Matty.

Phil breathed out - it was even more shallow than before. "Now go tell him the news and let me die in peace," he said and he pulled his hand away from me and closed his eyes.

Nick patted Phil's knee again gently, then backed away. But I couldn't bear to back off. I felt so thankful and so sad and so happy all at once, it was such a confusing feeling. I grabbed at his hand again and he opened one eye. "I don't know what to say," I choked out. "I want to say thank you but that barely even seems appropriate... You're saving us, Phil, you're saving our family, you're giving Matty a chance at life like a real kid and I can't --- I can't even ---" I covered my mouth with my extra hand as he stared up at me. I could see the your welcome in his eyes, glistening there, masked by tears.

"Aw go on and get out of here before I change my mind and keep on living," he grumped. But I knew he meant the your welcome I saw in his eyes more than the cranky words.

I turned to Nick and he wrapped his arms around me. Then I felt one arm move from me as he turned to face Phil and I looked up at him to watch as Nick saluted him army style. Phil smiled and he lifted a shaking hand and saluted Nick right back. Then Nick wrapped his arm back around me and guided me from the room.