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Chapter Thirty-Seven / 2013


Abbey

"I feel strange," I said numbly.

Nick and I were back in the waiting room, wrapped up in our blankets on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, my head nested in the crook of his underarm. He slid his fingers gently across the skin of my shoulder on the other side. He'd been pretty quiet after coming back from Phil's room.

"I feel like we're just... laying here, waiting for Phil to die," I said thickly. "It's like I want him to but I don't and it's s oconfusing. I feel guilty."

Nick shook his head. "Don't feel guilty."

"But he's dying."

"You heard him in there," Nick's voice was low, wise. "It was his dream. He worked hard for this - for Matty - for you." He took a deep breath, "He's an old man and he's lived a good life and he's dying and he found a way to make it count."

"It's just sad and strange and -- just so sad," I said.

Nick shrugged. "I don't know. I kinda get it. A lot of guys from war generations have a hero complex, y'know? They saw their buddies killed in action, had opportunities to give up their lives for the greater good, to save lives, and they didn't get to actually do it, you know? So they wanna die with honor, they wanna die a hero. I think what all happened is something kinda -- well, kinda beautiful really. Matty needed a heart and Phil needed somebody to give his heart to."

We lay there in silence for several long moments as I thought about the words Nick had said, let their meanings melt over me. It occurred to me that maybe Nick understood Phil more than he was letting on. Maybe Nick, too, had needed somebody to give his heart to when he'd found Matty and I.

I breathed in the smell of him, thankful he was there.

It was over an hour later that my phone vibed in my pocket. Nick and I had laid in silence just feeling each other's presence the entire time. I slid my phone out and I held it up so we could both see and opened the message. It was a text from Dr. Potter, informing us that Phil had passed away five minutes before and they were about to begin the harvest operation. She invited us to the ICU to see Matty before they started to prep him to receive the donation.

I covered my eyes with my palm, tears pouring down my cheeks. I thought of Phil and the playful gleam in his eyes and that creaky old walker heading down the hallways, always grumpily shouting hello and it broke my heart that he was gone. But not entirely, a whisper came into my mind, No, never entirely. He's still going to be alive in Matty.

Nick sat up and he started gathering up the pillows and blankets off the floor and shoved them into the cupboard he'd gotten them from the night before. Together, we headed back to the ICU, back to Matty. My hands shook as I slid into the gown and Dr. Potter greeted us at Matty's room door. She was holding his charts, a nervous/excited expression on her face. "We were just about to go in and tell him the news," she said as we approached. I was about to ask who we was when Dr. Danielson came up behind us.

"The OR is booked and ready," he said. Then he noticed us and he smiled a wary sort of smile.

Monica turned and led the way into Matty's room. He was asleep when we first opened the door, but his eyes fluttered opened as we all gathered around his bed. Dr. Danielson stood at the end of the bed and put his hands on Matty's feet. "Matthew," he said, "I think we have some exciting news for you."

Matty looked over at me and Nick, then back at Monica and Dr. Danielson. "What is it?" he asked.

"Matthew," Monica said, stepping forward and hugging her clipboard to her chest, "We have a heart for you."

Matty stared up at her and his eyes slowly filled with tears, "You - you do?" he asked.

Monica nodded.

"So... I'm not gonna die?" he asked.

Monica reached out a hand and reassuredly put it on top of his. "Not on my watch, little man."

Matty held out his arms and Monica leaned over the bed and gave him a big hug. He squeezed his arms around her neck, his little eyes shut tight, tears falling across his cheeks. I realized for the first time that he'd known all along how fragile his condition was and it ocurred to me how scared he probably had been.

"Where'd my heart come from?" Matty asked as Monica pulled back from the hug.

She took a deep breath. "You remember Phil, don't you, Matthew?" she asked gently.

He closed his eyes and more tears streamed across his face. "Mr. Phil gave me his heart?" he asked. When he opened his eyes, I could see that he understood the implications of the donation - that Phil was gone and his heart was all that was left.

"He wanted you to have a chance to enjoy your family," Dr. Danielson supplied.

I stepped forward and took Matty's hand, "He wanted you to be a dreamer," I said. "He told me to tell you that, to always follow your dreams."

Matty nodded.

Dr. Danielson cleared his throat, "Well. We'll leave the three of you alone for a couple of moments, but we need to head down to the OR. The transport team will be in in just a moment to collect Matthew... There's only a brief period of time in which the heart will be viable for transplantation. We can't miss that window." He bowed out of the room.

Monica hesitated at the door. Then, "I'm so happy for all of you," she said thickly, "Of all the patients that I've seen over the years, I've never prayed so hard for one to get the miracle." She smiled, and followed Dr. Danielson out of the room.

I turned to Matty, and I took his hands. I couldn't believe all the years of worrying and wondering and waiting and being afraid was about to come to an end.

"Are you scared?" Nick asked.

Matty shook his head. Then he hesitated and he said, "Well. Maybe a little."

Nick came up and leaned behind me so we were both by Matty's side. "Well you're gonna do great in there," he said as he put his hand over mine and Matty's. "And when you get out, we're gonna do this whole family Christmas thing right." He smiled.

"Promise?" Matty asked.

Nick nodded, "Cross my heart."

Matty laughed weakly. "You're so silly Mr. Ni--Daddy."

Nick laughed back and the three of us huddled together until the transport team came for Matthew and guided the hospital bed out of the room. "I love you," I called after him as they rolled him away. I clutched Nick's hands, shaking. "I love you so, so much," I said.

"I love you guys," Matty said back as they turned the corner into the hallway.

I squeezed Nick's hands tight in mine. "I don't know if I can handle this wait," I choked.

Nick pulled me close.




Nick

It'd been several hours since they'd wheeled Matty out of the ICU room, headed for the OR to perform the transplant and we'd heard barely a thing other than the promise that the heart had been harvested from Phil's body perfectly and that it was inspected thoroughly by Dr. Danielson and in excellent condition, despite its age.

Abbey and I were back in the waiting room, sitting in the chairs, huddled up together. There were a few other people in there now, all of us nervously waiting. One of the other people kept giving me sidelong glances and I had a feeling she knew who I was but was respectful enough to leave me be. I rested my head agaist the side of Abbey's. "I was thinking," I said quietly.

She moved to look up at me.

"It's gonna be real lonely up in my big ol' house alone," I said, "And Nacho's gonna miss Matty. And... and I wanna spend all the time I can around him, you know? I don't wanna just be like a visitor or something...."

Abbey was quiet a moment.

"My house is also closer to Vanderbilt than your apartment is. And there's this really great school..."

"Nick," she said quietly, "Are you asking us to move in with you?"

"Well, not like immediately, but... you know, soon."

A smile spread across Abbey's face. She hugged my arm. "Once the dust all settles," she agreed and closed her eyes as her cheek pressed against my skin. "I never imagined seven years ago that I'd be sitting here," she said.

"Me either," I replied. "Then again, I never imagined a couple weeks ago that I would be sitting here." I laughed. "Shit my life's changed so much in a month... It doesn't even seem like it's been only a month though. Feels like a lifetime ago."

Abbey nodded, "I know what you mean."

Suddenly, Dr. Potter appeared in the doorway. Abbey and I stood up and she collected her purse and we rushed out into the hallway after Dr. Potter, who led us on through the corridors. "Is he okay? How'd it go?" Abbey was asking as we walked.

Dr. Potter smiled, "Everything went very well," she revealed, "He's doing good, all his stats are steady so far and the heart beat is strong. Obviously we still need to keep observing very carefully, he's not anywhere near out of the woods, the body could still reject the organ, but as of right now he's doing extremely well." She pulled open a doorway labelled recovery and once more we were made to put on the goofy hospital scrubs and stuff before being led into the room.

Matty was laying in the bed furthest from the door. The heart moitor by his side was beeping merrily, a heart beat thumping across the screen. He had on an oxygen mask, his eyes closed as he breathed deeply, his chest covered with loose bandages, but the PVC pipes were, thankfully, gone. He looked small, still, but somehow less helpless than he had the other times we'd come to see him. His cheeks were pinker than I'd ever seen, and I know it was in my head but it seemed like I could see the heart was working, like I could see it making him stronger, just in the way his limbs lay, in the way his face set while he slept, in the way his chest moved up and down... all these things seemed different, even though they were probably the same.

"He hasn't woken up yet," Dr. Potter said quietly as she adjusted something on an IV to his left. "I wanted to make sure you two were here when he woke up." She smiled and tapped a couple buttons on the monitor and wrote down notes about the numbers it displayed on her clipboard thingy. She slid it into place, hooked over the end of Matty's bed, and smiled at us. "I'm so very happy for all of you," she said, "And I'm so very glad I've gotten to know you over the years, and that I got to see this family pull together. It's been a real Christmas miracle, all of it."

Abbey nodded, "It really has," she agreed.

"If you need anything," Dr. Potter said, "Just press the call button and I'll be there." She turned and walked out of the room.

Abbey stood by Matty as I grabbed a couple chairs from by the window and pulled them over to his bedside. She smoothed a piece of his hair behind his ear before sitting down beside me. "He looks so much like his daddy," she said.

I chuckled and put my arm around the back of her chair.

It was a little bit before Matty woke up. His eyes slowly fluttering open, adjusting to the bright lights that glared down at him from above. He oriented himself, glancing around the room each direction, and then looking over at me and Abbey. "Is it in me?" he asked, then, because he could feel it beating, he smiled and he said, "I can feel it." He looked down at his chest, grinning, "I can feel it beating better!"

What a strange feeling, I thought as Abbey and I stood up and crowded around Matty excitedly, to have felt an irregular, broken heart for so long that when you felt what it really feels like for a heart to work like it should, you can feel the difference, you can feel it beating right in your chest the way everyone else just takes for granted sometimes. But I guess I kinda understood because it was exactly the way I felt about this family that I'd gotten over the past month. Sure they were still brand new to me but there was no way anyone was ever gonna take'em away from me because they were mine, and I'd felt a broken heart and a broken family for so long that now that I was in a good one I knew it, I could feel it all around me, and I wasn't gonna take it for granted.