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Chapter Six / 2013


Nick

By before Christmas, Eddie had meant before Thanksgiving. After all, each of the segments had to be filmed before December 1st for film editing and all that for the episodes of the Christmas Miracles to be aired on TV throughout the month of December. Because mine with this Matthew Steele kid happened to be one of the first ten episodes, it had to be done as soon as I got back to the United States. Consequently, Lauren and I found ourselves at the airport being picked up by a Vanderbilt representative at the Nashville airport upon landing.

"My name is James," he said, taking my hand. He was dressed in casual college attire and looked like he was probably twelve. "I'm a student at Vandy, studying under Monica Potter. She asked me to come pick you up and tell you about Matthew Steele's condition on the way over to the Children's Hospital," he explained.

I looked at Lauren.

She smiled, "It's cool. I'll see you when you get home, honey." She winked, pecked my cheek, and took the bag I had hanging on my shoulder containing Nacho, who let out a groan as his weight shifted from my side to hers. "I'll have... dinner ready for you."

Having dinner ready was code for she'd be waiting in sexy lingerie on the bed for me.

I watched her walk away, only vaguely aware that Doogie Howser was still talking. "Huh? What?" I turned to look at him.

"I asked if you've ever heard of Ventricular Septal Defects before," James said. He waved me to follow him and we walked through the airport toward the parking area. I realized once we were moving that there was a full on camera crew following us along, filming what was going on between us.

"Uhh... yeah I think," I replied. The words sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place where I'd heard them before.

"It's a congenital heart defect," James said, "Basically it means there's a hole in the wall that divides the two ventricles of the heart - those are the chambers that produce the blood that operates the body."

Suddenly it clicked where I'd heard it before. "Oh right, right.. yeah, that's what Brian had," I answered, nodding.

James thought for a moment, "You're right now that you mention it, yeah. Brian Littrell. Right. Yeah. So you're familiar with the condition then, good, good. That's what Matthew Steele has. He's had the VSD since he was born."

"I have a heart condition, too," I said, "I have cardiomyopathy. It's under control now, but -- I have it." I wasn't sure why I was sharing this. I guess just because we were talking about the heart and stuff.

James nodded, "I heard that. Good for you, getting it controlled." He smiled. "Anyways, Matthew Steele... He's a great kid. We were all really glad when we heard he was selected for this Christmas Miracle program thing. Everyone loves him at Vandy. His mom's pretty great, too. She's single and she works her ass off. They really deserved a break this season. Especially with... you know, everything."

"Everything?" I asked.

"Dr. Potter had to tell Ms. Steele earlier this month that Matthew needs to have a heart transplant in order to survive this," James' voice was low.

"What?" I asked. We were out in the lot and James was pulling open the Vanderbilt van's door for me. "But Brian's in his thirties," I said, "Isn't VSD just something you manage by, like, eating right or... exercise... or... something?" I tried to think of all the shit Brian had told me over the years. It seems like all those things were things he'd said to me about his condition.

Jame shrugged, "Most of the time it's a surgical fix - the doctor finds the location of the hole and patches it over," he said, getting into the van. Another college-age kid was behind the wheel. "But in Matthew's case, his heart repeatedly opens up new holes once the old ones have been replaced - like a leaky dam. In the process of various procedures and surgeries, his heart has been weakened and at this point his heart wall's like a giant patchwork quilt. Really it's more of a weak heart wall at this point caused by severe VSD. He's been through seven corrective surgeries and is currently on the list for a donor. If he doesn't get a heart soon, Matthew probably won't live to see his seventh birthday."

"When's his birthday?" I asked.

"July 28th."

I buckled my seatbelt as the camera crew loaded in and James closed the sliding door behind them. I could barely wrap my mind around the thought of a kid that could possibly never see seven years old - particularly when seven years old was only about eight or nine months away...

"To be honest, Nick," James said, interrupting my thoughts, "Matthew's probably going to be lucky to make it to see Christmas if he doesn't get a heart."

"So this isn't just a sick kid," I mumbled, "This is a dying kid."

James nodded slowly.

"And he asked to see me?"

"You read the essay, didn't you? We sent it to your manager."

I nodded numbly. "Yeah, I read it," I replied. "I just can't believe -- of all the people in the world -- me."

James smiled. "He really likes your music a lot. Really looks up to you."

"I'm really honored," I answered.

The van rushed out into traffic on the I-40, headed downtown. As we passed the exit that would head to Cool Springs, I wondered if Lauren had gotten everything into the car okay and was on her way home. I wondered what lingerie she'd put on for me that night, and if I'd still be in the mood after the apparently thoroughly depressing hospital visit I was about to make.

Okay so time for a little bit of honesty: One of my least favorite things in the entire world is hospitals. Especially children's hospitals. Not a lot of people realize this about me, because I feel like they'd look down on me for saying this but... I'm not the biggest fan of kids to begin with. They generally annoy the shit out of me. Which is probably weird because I'm basically a big kid myself. But kids and I - we just don't work well together. Then add in the fact they're sick and it gets even worse. Their lack of annoyingness becomes awkward and I feel kinda guilty for being a healthy grown-up, like I'm flaunting what they'll never have in front of them or something... Children that're sick freak me out.

Sick people in general freak me out.

This is why I never showed up when Brian was in the hospital back in 1998 with his VSD. This is why I ditched poor AJ when he had a knee injury on stage. I was a no-show for an ex-girlfriend at an ER after she had her ankle stomped on by a horse. I skipped out on Lauren once when she'd gone to the hospital when appendicitis the first year we'd been dating.

So you put Children and Hospitals into one environment and it's basically my version of Hell.

I sat there nervously thinking how guilty I was gonna feel standing around in front of this tiny sick kid who possibly wouldn't even see Christmas. My palms started to sweat and I wiped them on my jeans' knees.

"We really appreciate you doing this," he said as the van veered off the highway on an exit ramp. "The Christmas Miracle program is doing an amazing job granting kids wishes, and we're all really grateful that you pulled the time out of your hectic schedule to come visit us here." He smiled.

The van cut through the side roads of Nashville until it reached the children's hospital and pulled to a stop outside. The film crew got out first and the camera was trained on me as I pulled myself out of the van and James closed it. When the van drove on, I stared up at the Vanderbilt hospital building and my stomach did a little dance. "You ready to make a little boy's Christmas dream come true?" James asked.

I nodded.

"Follow me, then."

James led the way through the double doors. The receptionist looked up. "Morning, James." Her eyes flickered to me, then the crew. "Oooh are we filming for the Christmas Miracle program?" she asked, blushing and batting her eyes at them.

"We sure are, Giada." James grinned. "Wave hello. This is Nick Carter. From the Backstreet Boys."

Giada's eyes widened, "Hello Mr. Carter! I was a big fan in high school!"

"Hey," I replied, waving awkwardly, and I followed after James to the elevators and the film crew squeezed in with us so the elevator felt a little overpacked thanks to all the equipment that had been jammed in there with us. When it dinged, they shuffled aside as best they could and allowed me and James to step out first.

James led the way down a long corridor. "Okay, so we're going to stop by and meet Dr. Potter and the reps from the Christmas Miracle program and then we'll go meet Matty." He stopped outside of a conference room and smiled at me. "It was a really great pleasure getting to escort you to Vanderbilt, Mr. Carter," he said, and he pushed open the door.




Abbey

Matty was sitting in the bed nervously rolling the blankets in his tiny fists. A TV crew had showed up that morning to film the Christmas Miracle segment featuring Matty's big wish. Monica Potter had stopped in several times to see how we were all doing and keeping Matty's blood pressure in check.

"Are you excited, Matty?" one of the camera crew people asked him. He nodded vigorously and they laughed with sparkling eyes. "Not too much longer, our other crew is on their way in with your Miracle," they said.

I had no idea what to expect. I had no clue what Matty possibly could've asked for and he wouldn't even give me a hint - he just kept smiling slyly and saying stuff like "it's for both of us" and "you're gonna be so excited, mommy". I held his sweaty little hand as we waited.

When Monica came in the room, there was a hub-bub of shuffling behind her beyond the curtain. She came around the corner, smiling at me and Matty, doing her best to ignore the camera crew. "Good news," she announced, "We're here." And she stepped out of the way, and I stood up and Matty sat up straighter and time seemed to stand still for a moment. My heart beat wildly in my chest and I wondered what Matty's was doing and for a split second, I looked down at him, worried about what was going on in that little chest of his... and then I heard it.

"Knock, knock."

I swear my heart stopped, whatever Matthew's did. I looked up at the curtain he was coming around and it was like slow motion. I saw him blink, saw his face slowly unfurl into a smile one slight movement at a time until it had spread right to his brilliantly blue eyes. His hair was shorter now, his body leaner, more muscular. There were wrinkles around his eyes that hadn't been there in 2007, and the lines around his mouth were more pronounced, but there was absolutely no mistaking him.

It was Nick.

I backed away from the bed, my hand over my heart. I couldn't breathe.

Nick walked into the room slowly, around Monica, to Matty's bed and he grinned down at him, eyes sparkling, and said, "Hey Buddy, it's great to meet you." He held up his hand for a high-five, and Matty enthusiastically gave it to him.

"It's great to meet you," Matty answered. Then he turned to acknowledge me. "This is my mom," he said, "Her name's Abbey."

Nick was staring at Matty with searching eyes which he tore away to look where he was being directed - at me. His eyes landed on me and there wa a long pause. He stared at me, and there was a flicker - ever so slight - in which he did a double take and narrowed his eyes, his head cocking slightly. "Hello Abbey," Nick said, "It's... nice to meet you, too..." he held out his hand.

I reached a trembling hand forward to shake his.

He held onto it a little too long, staring down at my fingers before breaking the grasp. Then he turned back to Matty. "I got to read your essay," he said, and he lowered himself to be staring up into my son's eyes, his elbows resting on the edge of the bed as he spoke, "You did really good. I'm really glad that they picked your essay. You sound like an amazing little boy." Nick smiled brightly.

Matty turned red.

"And really brave, too," Nick added, "I heard about your condition and everything. Did you know you have the same thing my best -- my friend Brian had?" he asked.

I think I was the only person in the room that caught the stumble in his voice as he corrected the term best friend to friend.

Matty nodded, "My mom tells me that sometimes. It's really cool he's all better. Maybe someday I can be a Backstreet Boy, too, when I'm all better?"

Nick smiled, "Maybe. Can you sing?"

"Kinda," Matty replied.

"Wanna sing together?"

Matty nodded vigorously.

And I stood there, dumbfounded as all hell as Nick taught Matty how to warm up his voice doing scales and then they started singing I Want It That Way together and Matty grinned up at Nick as he did his classic runs and adlibs throughout the mini-performance. My hands were clammy and I could feel my stomach twisting within me. Could Nick tell - by the voice, by the looks in his eyes, the mannerisms? They were all his. I'd always known that Matty looked like his father but I never realized how much until Nick was there, standing directly beside him.

I glanced at the camera crew. Could they tell?

Nick gave Matty another high-five as they reached the end of the song. "Amazing," he said, "You really do know all the lyrics, don't you?"

"That one's one of the easy ones," Matty jested, "I know even the ones nobody else knows. Don't I, Mom?"

Nick looked up at me, "Does he really?" he asked.

I nodded, I couldn't seem to form words to speak.

"That's incredible, buddy," Nick said. "I don't even know half our older songs anymore," he laughed.

"I know every single one," Matty proclaimed. "Inside out!"

"See, you really are an amazing kid." Nick grinned.

"I know the dances too, like the one with the hat. I know it perfect."

"No way."

"Way!"

Nick laughed, "Well, I don't know if you'll be able to, it's going to be up to your doctor and your mom, but I have a set of tickets here for you to come see us do the hat dance in Atlanta," he said, reaching into his pocket, "You and your mom. Plus VIP passes." He pulled an envelope and held it out to me. "I opened the envelope and inside were two tickets to Jingle Jam in Atlanta for mid-December. "I really hope you guys can come meet the other guys, too, including Brian, and maybe we'll even have you come sing some of our songs on stage with us. How would you like that?"

Matty's eyes were the size of saucers, "Oh my God, yes that would be so cool." He turned to me, "Can we go Mommy?"

"It's up to Dr. Potter," I stammered.

"We'll have to see how your little ticker's doing," Monica answered before Matty could even ask. She grinned, "That's very generous of you, Mr. Carter," she said.

Nick turned to her, "Additionally, I'd like to make a donation to the hospital." He reached in his pocket again and handed her yet another envelope. Monica's eyes were large as she opened the envelope, jaw dropped, staring up at Nick. He turned back to Matty and I while Monica was still marveling at the check. I imagined there were a lot of zeros on there. Nick's eyes met mine again and he smiled, but I wasn't sure if it was in a familiar, recognizing way or just a friendly smile. "Your son," he said, "Is truly amazing. I'm really glad I got a chance to meet him."

"I am, too," I stammered.

He turned to Matty. "You stay strong, okay, buddy?"

"Okay."

"Gimme a call sometime when you grow up and we'll see about you becoming the sixth Backstreet Boy, a'ight?" Nick grinned.

Matty's eyes widened and twinkled. "No way, that'd be awesome."

Nick gave him a hug, his large-knuckled hands wrapping around Matty's small frame, making him disappear in there. Matty's hands clutched Nick's shirt and he hugged him close. "Thank you," he said.

Nick took a deep breath, "No, thank you, buddy," and he pulled back. "Merry Christmas," he added to us both, and he turned, following Monica and the Christmas Miracle reps back out and into the hallway. The camera crew that'd joined us with them followed, leaving us alone with our crew.

"How amazing was that, Matty?" asked one of them.

"Totally!" Matty answered.

I stared at the door they'd all gone out. My heart was stirring around.

"How do you feel, Mom?" she asked me.

"I'll be right back," I replied, and I darted out of the room, my sneakers squeaking on the tile floor.

In the hallway, they were already almost to the elevator. I rushed down the hall, my breath caught in my throat. What the hell was I going to say once I got to them anyways? I wondered. Nick was getting onto the elevator, shaking hands with Monica. I sped up. "Nick!" I shouted as the elevator doors started to close. "Nick, wait!" He must've hit the button that stalled the doors closing, they swept back open again and I pushed by the camera crew and Dr. Potter to the car. "Hey, wait a second. Can I buy you a coffee or something?"

Nick stared into my eyes. "Yeah," he said, "Yeah, sure."