I didn't know how I was going to do this.
I had practiced the speech over and over...wondering how the hell I would tell Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie that after being together so long...I was ready to move on.
"They'll understand, sweetheart. You just do what you feel is best." Kristin said to me as she kissed my cheek. I was telling them in the morning and it killed me, but at the same time I knew what I needed. I was always looking out for them....but it was time for me to look out for myself. I was tired, we all were. The label was pressuring us for new material but to be honest, I was not feeling inspired anymore.
I remember a time when I still did feel that way.
I had seen an ad in a magazine about needing members for a vocal group, and took the last fifty dollars out of a can I had stashed for a rainy day.
That day it happened to pour. I ran to the train station and went to audition for this group. Johnny told me there were three guys and they were having problems looking for members because others left suddenly. I nailed the audition and went to Lou Pearlman's house to meet them.
"Kevin, welcome...come in!" Lou greeted me, slapping me on the back. He went on and on about how happy he was to see me and lead me outside to a small backyard.
"Boys, come meet your newest member." Lou said. Two of them came over but the third seemed fully engrossed in his Game Boy.
"This is Alex and Howie. Nick's just being shy. I have to take a phone call, so make yourselves acquainted."
Lou left the backyard and we all started talking.
"I am Kevin. Nice to meet you." I said, holding out my hand.
"They call me AJ." the one boy said. I looked at the blonde boy sitting down with his video game, he didn't glance up.
"Nick likes his games. Nicky, come meet Kevin!" Howie called.
"I told you not to call me that, Howie. I am not a baby." Nick said as if he were pretending to be angry. He came over and stared up at me.
"He's tall.....taller than those other guys." he commented. I assumed he meant the other members Lou and Johnny had mentioned.
"Everybody is taller than you, squirt," AJ teased, laughing. Nick pouted and rolled his eyes. He looked barely eleven and that made me uncomfortable.
"Nice to meet you, Nick." I told him, holding out my hand. Nick looked at me and stuffed his hands in his pockets, turning away. I watched in silence as he walked away.
As a couple days went by, I wasn't so sure things were going to work out.
"Lou, I don't think this is for me." I said one day after lunch. He looled at me, surprised.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, it's....it's Nick. I don't think he likes me very much. Maybe it's the age difference." I said. Nick had been cold to me ever since I walked into the house. I wanted to know why.
"Give it some time. Why don't you try doing something together?" he suggested.
I didn't want to relate to the kid....we had nothing in common. He was just a kid. We had gone out to an arcade together for a while and things started clicking. Now that I have gotten to know him, I realize I was wrong. I don't know how I will be able to just leave...how I even thought of it in the first place.
"Hey, Kevin."
"Hey."
I exchanged greetings with all of them and tried to keep my composure. We all sat down at the dinner table, I had ordered some pizza.
"Guys, I know we have been talking about taking a break now that the tour is done...before our next album, and..." I started. Nick sat at one corner of the table, not listening to anything I was saying.
"I thought we were going to do another album, I mean we still have a few left in our contract with Jive." Brian piped up and Howie nodded.
"We are tired...well at least I know I am." I said.
"I want to record. It would be good for me to be productive, the therapist agreed." AJ added. I sighed and waited for Nick to chime in, something about his solo album or whatever he was working on....but he just simply looked down. The others tried catching his eye as well but Nick never said a word. I felt horrible.
"Look, I think I need a break." As the words fell out, I felt three pairs of eyes on me. My stomach did backflips.
"A break? Like a bathroom break....or.." Brian asked. I took a breath, still trying to compose myself.
"We have been going non stop for years. I am tired. I don't have it in me to do another record. Surely you all feel the same way?" I blurted. The looks on their faces told me that they did not. Nick suddenly got up, looking angry.
"You're gonna walk? After everything we have been through?"
"I need a break, Nick. I am sorry....but this is something I must do for myself." I explained.
"Whatever."
He strode out of the room and slammed the door, Brian moved to get him but Howie pulled him back and shook his head.
"Are you really suggesting we split?" AJ asked, his face broken.
"Look, if the four of you want to keep going...I won't stop you. I am just burnt out, my spark is completely gone. Y'all don't have to stop on my account." I said, half hoping they would agree to being tired too. I knew we all were, the last few days of tour were spent biting each others heads off to the point where none of us would speak. I wondered where Nick had gone to.
"We'd have to talk to Nick about it. What about the fans.....our contract? I don't think Jive will be too happy, not that I give a damn about what they think right now." Brian said thoughtfully as I nodded. He was right, but I wasn't backing down. I excused myself and went to search for Nick, who was outside fumbling with a lighter. When he saw me he wiped his eyes hurriedly and coughed, the unlit cigarette hanging lopsided in his mouth.
"What do you want?" he snapped, dropping the lighter.
"I thought you stopped smoking." I said, pickin it up and handing it to him.
"Kevin, if you came to lecture me about smoking....I don't wanna hear shit."
"Are you okay?"
"Fuck off, leave me alone. I hate you!"
It killed me to hear that.
He growled in frustration at the lighter and put the cigarette away, stuffing his hands in his pockets. It was then I remembered his coldness all those years ago. He was pushing me away so he wouldn't be hurt, but it was so obvious he was.
"Nick, just talk to me. I am not doing this to hurt any of you. I am doing this because I need to for myself. Aren't you tired too?" I explained, walking towards him. He kept walking, turning into my backyard.
"I have nothing to say. I am totally down for whatever you want...you're the boss." he hissed.
I stopped for a second, feeling guilty. He sat down on a bench and fumbled with the lighter again, cursing before he noticed I'd followed.
"You're still here?"
"It's my yard." I said flatly. I stood there until he threw the lighter on the bench before speaking again.
"Why are you mad at me wanting a break?"
He looked at me and sighed.
"There is no point in discussing anything. You're leaving. Your mind is made up. You're leaving just like the others did."
"Nick, I may be leaving but I am not deserting you. You can still talk to me if you need me. I'll be a phone call away." I explained. He didn't say anything but put away the cigarette.
Sometimes even now, when I look at him...Nick still reminds me of that moody teenager,even after everything we have been through together. I just didn't want to leave things on this note, we'd both regret it later.
"I just need to be on my own. I know it will be hard, but this is just how it has to be right now. Kris and I want to start a family. We want to have a normal life. I will support whatever the four of you decide to do." I offered, putting my hand on his shoulder. He shook it off so I stood up to leave him alone to his thoughts.
"Kevin?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't hate you." he muttered. I smiled.
"Thanks."
Just him saying that said it all.
After that day everything changed. The band went on without me and I was doing my own thing the way I wanted...but I guess I am still looking for that inspiration I need....and hopefully one day we will all be together again. AJ always says the door is open, I just hope he meant it.
Story Notes:
I am still getting used to first person POV. Feedback would help a lot, thanks for reading :)
