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Chapter Twenty-Six


Jaymie

Kevin looked like an angry bear charging it’s prey when I literally collided with him in the hallway leading from the stage to the back of the venue. He caught me from falling down - or maybe he was going to grab a hold of me whether I’d nearly fallen or not, I’m not sure - his hands tightened on my shoulders. “What. The actual fuck. Is going on?” he demanded.

I heard footsteps behind me and without looking I knew exactly who it would be. “Why don’t you ask Brian?” I snapped, “Since he knows everything about Nick.”

Brian skidded to a stop behind me. “Where is he?” he asked without even addressing what I’d just said.

“He left,” Kevin replied in a flat tone.

“He left?” I choked, panic bubbling up in me.

“Yes, he left,” Kevin answered.

“Why would you let him leave?” Brian asked, his voice as rough as I’d ever heard it.

I turned on him - a fire raging in me like I’d never felt before. “Like this is Kevin’s fault?” I snarled, “Fucking hell! YOU couldn’t just fucking back me up, could you? Couldn’t just agree with me that he needed the treatment, could you? Oh hell no, because your personal vendetta against me was sooo strong. Imagine you agreeing with something someone like me... Gotta go with this fucking reverse psychology shit…” I slammed my index finger against Brian’s chest, “You are playing roulette with his life,” I yelled, “And why should that worry you, really, I guess. It’s not like y’all have been friends in years. What the fuck made me even ask you for help - you don’t give a damn about him, you’re too busy judging the world from yon pearly gates of your heavenly throne. You don’t even know him anymore.”

Brian looked at me like a puppy dog that had just been kicked. His eyes were wide and they glistened around the edges. Let him cry, I thought bitterly. Please, for the love of God, let the guy cry. I kinda wanted to know that my words had created some sort of emotional response in him. “I thought --” Brian’s voice cracked. “I just -- he always used to...” but he stopped midsentence and took a shaking breath. “Look, what’s important now is finding out where he went and --”

“Fuck you. Be a better friend,” I snapped.

Kevin cleared his throat. “Treatment for what, exactly?”

Brian was staring at his shoes. I turned to Kevin. “Like I said. Ask Brian.” I pushed around him, “I have to go find Nick.” I slammed out the door to the back parking lot of the venue, leaving the Boys in a huddle in the hallway.

Outside, it was dark, and there were stars overhead, the moonlight pale across the cement. I stood in the yellow glow of a lamp on the side of the building and stared around. There was no sign of Nick anywhere. I could only assume that he’d taken Mike with him wherever he’d gone, which made me feel a little better. At least he wasn’t alone wherever he’d gone. I wondered what the Boys were doing about the fans inside, if they’d continue the show without him or if any of them would help me try to find him.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket. The odds of Nick just answering the phone were nilch, I knew that, but at the same time it seemed stupid not to at least try. I had a missed text message. I swiped my thumb to view it and it was from Nick - a screen shot of a Snap Chat from Chris. He was hugging Rusty, who was sitting in the front seat of his car, with a note that said, Look who I’ve got?

Nick had just sent the text.

Quickly, I signed onto messenger.

He was online.

PurpleNailPolish: nick
PurpleNailPolish: where are you?
PurpleNailPolish: im so sorry ...i didnt meant to be an asshole please talk to me. please.

I held my breath, staring at the screen. “Please,” I whispered outloud as the notation at the bottom changed from delivered to read with the timestamp. My heart raced. He’d seen the message. But he wasn’t typing. He wasn’t answering me. “Please,” I whispered again, willing him with every fiber of my being to just type me back a fucking message. Anything would do. Anything at all.

PurpleNailPolish: im freaking out nick please
PurpleNailPolish: don’t shut me out...not now

Then, mercifully, there it was. Typing… showed up on my screen and I let out a breath I’d barely realized I’d been holding.

TampaBuccsFan28: im not
PurpleNailPolish: tell me ur okay
TampaBuccsFan28: im ok
PurpleNailPolish: are you really?
TampaBuccsFan28: idk
TampaBuccsFan28: im back to the hotel
TampaBuccsFan28 has signed off.

I looked around the venue lot. He was okay. He seemed more defeated than pissed in writing, but it was hard to tell with him sometimes without seeing his face and hearing his tone of voice. I wasn’t sure how to call for a cab in Germany, so I turned back to the door to the backstage and tried to pull it open, only to discovered it was had automatically locked behind me.

“Mother fucknugget,” I muttered, kicking the metal door lightly. I sighed and leaned against the wall. I was gonna have to wait here for the Boys ‘cos there wasn’t really any other way out other than to walk all the fuck the way around the venue and who knows what sketchiness lay outside of those very high fences that surrounded the lot? I sank to the cement and hugged my knees. I wasn’t particularly looking forward to talking to any of the guys again. I’d managed to make friends with them and then destroy that friendship in less than ten hours. It had to be some kind of world record.





Nick

I’ll be the first to admit I was prolly acting more like a spoiled seven year old, but I wasn’t sure what the protocol was on something like this. It sounds stupid but I’d never been more stage fright in my entire life than in that instant when I realized I didn’t know the words to a song I’d been singing literally almost every day for over twenty years. It was the most terrifying moment… because it represented a lot more than just the song being fucked up. It represented my life being fucked up, it represented how this damn tumor was snaking around in my brain, taking away functions and memories. It represented everything that scared me most about it.

I paced the length of the big window that overlooked the city outside, the lights glowing bright and colorful below. I was muttering lyrics to myself, one BSB song after another, just an endless stream of Backstreet. “But we are two worlds apart, can’t reach to your heart, when you say, that I want it that way… Am I original? Yeah. Am I the only one? Yeah. Am I sexual? Yeah. Am I everything you need you better rock your body now… Open up your heart to me… and say what’s on your mind…” The door to the room creaked open and I stopped and looked up.

Jaymie was standing in the little hallway.

I stood still for a second, staring at her.

“Did you tell them?” I asked.

Jaymie shook her head.

“Did Brian?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. She dropped her purse onto the floor and took a couple slow steps towards me, like she was approaching a wild animal. I kinda felt like a wild animal, actually. She stopped a couple feet away. “I can’t imagine how terrifying this must be for you.”

I swallowed. “Terrifying is a good word for it.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.

I sat down on the end of the bed, staring down at my hands. I felt exhausted all at once. “There’s a lotta things I feel you can’t imagine,” I said, and my exhaustion turned into this strange exposed, super vulnerable feeling and I buried my face in my hands. I half expected Fate to step in, like talking about any feelings at all was maybe a violation of her allowances, but nothing happened, so I continued, “I’m sad and I’m confused and I’m lonely and I’m scared and -- I don’t want to die, but I feel like I ain’t got a choice.”

“You do have a choice,” Jaymie’s voice was gentle and she set herself beside me, “I mean not in the super long run because - news flash, you’re gonna die eventually, but not for a really long time. You have a choice right now. There’s options.”

I felt tears burning my eyeballs and I rubbed the heel of my hand against them, trying to stop the tears from actually coming out. I didn’t wanna look like a baby.

“And you shouldn’t feel lonely, Nick, because you’re not alone,” Jaymie continued. I looked up at her, still struggling to keep the tears inside me. “You have me. You’ve always got me. And the guys, if you’d tell them. They’d be there for you. And I bet your fans would, too.”

“But telling everybody makes it realer,” I said.

“Maybe it’s gotta be real in order for you to fight it,” she suggested. “It’s real whether it feels real or not, and the longer you wait for it to feel like it’s real, the harder your fight will be. It’s like you’re giving the tumor time to collect and hide it’s weapons of mass destruction, Nick. You gotta just go in and stop it before it has time to move.”

“Maybe,” I replied. I snuffled. “There’s just so many people depending on me,” I said. “I feel like I keep letting them down, all them fans, and the fellas and you and stuff. If I do the treatment, I’m gonna let them all down real bad. I’m gonna be sick a real long time and I’ma loose my hair and get ugly and stuff and -- and nobodys gonna like me anymore ‘cos -- well ‘cos I’ll be ugly and have lost my hair and be sick and stuff.” I looked at her. “You aren’t gonna wanna fuck a ugly hairless sick dude.”

Jaymie sat down next to me and then scootched closer. Her side was against my side. She grabbed my hand, spun her fingers through mine, and squeezed my hand until I bent my fingers around hers. “No matter what happens, Nick,” she promised, “I will be here by your side. I will not leave you.”

I looked at her, let her words melt into my skin.

Then, because I could think of nothing else to say and it was just so damn tense in the room and I couldn’t stand the intensity another second, I said, “I notice you didn’t say anything about if you’d still wanna fuck me or not.”

Jaymie smirked, “I think you’d be a pretty fuckable ugly hairless guy,” she said.

“Even though I’ma end up lookin’ like Mister Mulder?” I asked, “I know you hate Mulder.”

“That cat is the spawn of Satan,” Jaymie said, nodding.

“See? You won’t wanna fuck me if I look like Mulder.”

Jaymie kissed my face. “Nick. I will fuck you even if you look like Mulder.”

I smiled and turned my face to meet her mouth. “I love you,” I said, without even thinking twice about it.