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Chapter Two



Jaymie

I stared in surprise at the ID on the phone screen, my eyebrows furrowed. The car behind me honked and then sped around me and I realized the light had turned. I slid my thumb across the answer button and drove forward as I pressed the button to put the call onto the Bluetooth in the car. “AJ?” I asked, my voice incredulous.

“Hey Jaymie,” he said, “How are you?”

I squinted against the sun, which reflected off various metal mailboxes and the other cars I passed as I drove through the suburban neighborhood my father lived in. I glanced at the cigar box on my passenger seat. “I’m… okay,” I replied. I didn’t know AJ well enough to try to explain what I was doing. It was better just to leave my response at okay. “What are you calling for?” I asked point blank because, really I didn’t want to talk at that moment, I had more important things to take care of, and also because AJ never calls me. Never. Like seriously, I don’t even know why he had my number to begin with.

AJ hesitated, “I’m calling… about Nick.”

“About Nick?” I said, “What about Nick?”

AJ took a deep breath, “We’re in Germany,” he said.

“I’m aware of that,” I replied. I turned onto the highway.

“Well we were on stage earlier and Nick just… passed out, or something,” he paused. “We’re at a hospital right now.”

There was a shit-ton of traffic on the road. I came to a stop among a sea of cars. I gripped the wheel tighter. “He okay?”

“Yeah,” AJ answered, then, “Well, I mean, I guess so. We haven’t really heard much yet. But the doctor came out to ask us some questions, like about his lifestyle, and he was asking if Nick’s been doing any, you know, drugs or whatever.” He paused again. “So, uh, has he?”

“No,” I said.

“Are you sure?” AJ asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, “I’m sure.”

“He been drinking at all?”

“Not a lot,” I answered. “Not like we used to. I mean, some. But not a lot. Not in excess.”

“Okay.” AJ cleared his throat. “This is probably a stupid question, considering… but, uh. Sex?”

I laughed, “AJ. What the hell else am I for?”

AJ laughed too. “Fuck if I know,” he answered.

I ran my hands over the steering wheel. “Do they know what’s wrong?” I asked, “Like… what they think anyways?” I bit my lip. The car crawled along behind the brake-light sea ahead of me.

“Heart,” he answered.

“Is it the Cardiomyopathy again?” I asked.

AJ sighed, “They think it was a heart attack.”

“Damn,” I answered.

“Has he been more stressed lately?” AJ asked.

“AJ, you know our rule,” I said, “Nothing personal. I don’t really know if he’s been stressed. He hasn’t said anything to me about it if he is.”

“Yeah.”

“I mean his parents are assholes, but so are mine.” I thought of Pilates with her stupid hair scarf and her stupid Victoria’s Secret bag and the guest room and the ugly, expensive vases. I wished I’d let Rusty in so he could break every damn one of them. But if he had she probably would’ve had him put down or something. She only just barely put up with Rusty anyways.

“Well,” AJ said, “I’ll keep you in the loop with what all is going on, anyways.”

“Thanks,” I said as I took the next exit.

“Yeah. No problem.” And he hung up.

I drove on another couple blocks, thinking about Nick and wondering what medical is like in Germany, if they were really good enough to be treating someone like Nick there or if it was like third world country-esque or whatever. I’d only been to Germany a couple times with him, and I’d never had to visit a doctor of any kind while there. I pictured him in one of those beds like in movies about World War Two with, like, the nurses with the paper hats washing his face with damp washcloths. He’d like that.

I turned into a cemetery. The stones dotted the grass, monolithic reminders of all the people who had lost other people. The car tires crunched over loose gravel roadways that wound among all the resting places and kicked dust up in it’s wake. I passed an old man climbing out of an old Hyundai, holding an orchid in trembling hands, and a young woman kneeling at a grave, holding an American flag. My heart went out to them. But then I saw the big old elm tree and I rounded the corner and forgot about everyone else, even Nick and AJ.

I parked the car and grabbed the cigar box and walked, winding my way around the graves, being careful not to step on anyone’s space. Flowers and teddy bears and rosary beads and flags and notes and candles dotted the more fortunate markers. I wondered if these were people who were more cherished than the empty ones, or if the empty ones were cared for by people whose pain was too great to stare down at the granite that was all they had left of their loved ones.

I sat down next to the stone I’d come for, swiping away dust from the stone. The groundsmen must’ve mowed recently. I plucked a few weeds away from the stone’s front. “Sorry,” I said with a sigh, and I tucked my feet in under my knees, sitting Indian-style. “It’s been awhile, I know, it’s just, I’ve been busy, you know?” I put the cigar box on my lap. “I don’t have much to tell you, though. You don’t really wanna know what I’ve been up to, trust me.”

Silence, of course.

“Anyways, I went to Dad’s house this morning. Saw Rusty. He’s doing okay. I mean he’s old, obviously, but he’s still got some energy. He ran over to say hi to me. He’s got grey fur under his chin, like he’s an old man or something,” I laughed. “Pilates almost caught me, but I went down the tree.”

Still silence.

“So I finally got the cigar box,” I said. I picked it up and held it up, like I was showing the stone, and then I slid the rubber bands off. One fell to the grass beside my thigh and I picked it up. An earthworm was wriggling near where it landed. I picked him up, too, and moved him off the grave space. I hated the thought of the worms being near him. It made me think of other worms and what was happening below the surface of the grass, below the dirt, in the grave, where his body was falling apart, decomposing. I pushed the thought out of my mind, scared it might haunt me if I let it linger too long.

“I don’t even remember what we put in here,” I said, turning back to the cigar box, and I lifted the lid slowly.




Nick

I don’t know how long I slept or what all happened to me while I was out. But when I woke up, I was laying in a hospital room, and the four guys were all there. Brian was asleep, his head leaning against the bed by my knees. AJ leaned against the window, sitting on an air unit, while Howie and Kevin sat in chairs by my feet. Eddie was there, too, curled up on top of the blankets on the second hospital bed, and Justin, sitting on the floor, slumped against the wall, staring down at the LCD screen on his camera.

Outside the window behind AJ, I could see the moon in the sky and the lights of Berlin stretching off until they faded in the darkness.

AJ looked over. “He’s awake,” he said. Everyone else, except Eddie and Brian, who were both asleep, looked over.

Kevin stood up and came over to my side. He stared down at me, his big bushy eyebrows all full of concern. “Hey man,” he said. “You know, it’s awful narcissistic of you to give yourself a heart attack with your pelvis thrusting.” Kevin smiled gently.

Justin laughed. “He’s been waiting for hours to say that,” he said. “As soon as we knew you were okay. He’s rehearsed delivering that line about a hundred times while you were out.”

“I’m just that sexy,” I mumbled. And I realized how insanely dry my mouth was and my lips felt cracked and parched. I struggled to attempt to sit up and find some water, but Kevin was a couple steps ahead of me and grabbed a cup from the nightstand and aimed a straw into my mouth.

“You stay right where you are,” he commanded.

“Well I gotta move sometime if I’m gonna be doin’ the show tomorrow,” I argued.

Kevin looked at Justin, Howie, and AJ.

“Actually,” he said slowly, “We, uh, we kind of -- we had Eddie cancel… well, everything. Until further notice.”

I stared up at him. “Then, shit, man, you better go give that further notice because I’m fine,” I said. And I really did sit up this time. “I’m stage ready.”

Moving made Brian wake up. He looked up at me in surprise, then relief, “Oh Jesus, thank you.” He leaped up and wrapped his arms around my head, pressing my cheek to his chest, then he pulled back so I was at arm’s length and stared into my face. “You bastard, you had me scared to death.”

“I’m fine,” I repeated.

“Nick, they think that you had a heart attack,” Kevin said, shaking his head. “You aren’t fine.” He took a deep breath, “You need a break. You need to go home and rest. You need to get your health in check before we can tour safely. I’m not losing you, I’m not going through what we went through in 1998, always worrying you’re going to drop dead on the stage in front of the fans. Just no.” He shook his head, “Tour postponed. It’s already done, there’s no use arguing about it.”

Brian nodded, “Kevin’s right, Nick. Trust me. I know.”

I shuffled my feet under the blankets.

“Once you’re cleared to leave, we’ll fly home, and you’re gonna get checked by your cardiologist,” Kevin said, taking command like usual. He paced to the foot of the bed and back as he spoke. “We’re only thinking of your safety.”

“That was terrifying,” Howie piped up, “Seeing you go down like that.”

“If you want to see how bad it was,” Justin offered, waving his camera.

I shook my head.

“Once you’re better, we’ll finish up tour,” Kevin said.

I nodded.

“How long have you been putting this off?” Brian asked, a knowing tone to his voice. “Weeks? Months?” His eyes were sad, and I pictured him remembering his own days of suppressing chest pains and secret doctors appointments and putting off taking care of his heart. I pictured him imagining me having some harrowing, secret life I didn’t tell them all about. Like he thought I was broken inside.

I stared at the cup of water, focusing on the straw, letting everything else go blurry.

If they had any clue what was actually going on…

I shrugged in response to Brian’s question. “Awhile, I guess,” I answered, and I sipped the water in silence, wondering how much longer I could keep it all from them.