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Chapter Six


Jaymie

Nick was sitting on the deck, staring off at the ocean, when I came home, toting along milk and a toothbrush. He must've been deep in thought, too, because he didn't even look up when I let the door slam behind me by accident. It was one of the rare moments when Mulder and Nacho were getting along, both sitting in close proximity of their master, lazing in a beam of sunlight together. Nick’s hair ruffled in the ocean air and I almost thought he might’ve been asleep. I put the milk in the fridge and the toothbrush on the counter, then stepped out onto the deck. "Hey," I said quietly, not wanting to wake him up if he was sleeping.

Nick looked up, a surprised expression on his face. "When did you get back?" He asked, "I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm a ninja like that," I answered.

Nick laughed, a smile crossing his face. But a very short one. Then he let out a heavy sigh, like someone who is stressed and exhausted from being stressed, and he leaned forward and rubbed the back of his neck with his palms, staring down at his feet. I almost asked what was wrong, but I'd been asking that a lot lately and I wasn’t sure how he felt about me asking all the time. So instead of asking, I went over and gently started to massage his shoulders. He stiffened at first, but as I kneaded the knots from his shoulders he loosened up and melted back in the chair, rolling his neck in appreciation. I could almost feel the tension leaving his body as I worked on his muscles. "Oh ffffuuuuuck, that feels good," he murmured.

I smiled, happy to make him happy, and continued massaging him. I leaned in so my mouth was near to his ear. "You're sooo tense," I said in a husky tone. "Your muscles are just… soo… sooo tight…”
"Yesss," he hissed as I moved my hands from his shoulders to his pecs, continuing to massage him.

I leaned closer still and kissed his ear, softly nipping at it with my teeth. He groaned and bit his lips. Then, I brought my chin around his shoulder and our cheeks pressed against each other. My hands roamed over his stomach, down to his crotch, kneading all the way. Nick groaned and pushed his hips upwards, harder into my palm.

He groaned.

"You like that?" I asked.

"Ohh yeah."

I turned my face and he turned his and our mouths locked, tongues tangled as I slid my hand into his pants. He moaned and arched his back, biting his lower lip, eyes rolled back, enjoying my touch. Then, suddenly, he got up and turned toward me so he was sort of half-kneeling on the chair. He leaned toward me, his hands grabbing onto my hips, trying to remove the Buccs jersey I wore, but instead, his foot caught the end of the chair, knocking it over, sending Nacho running into the house in a panic as it thumped to the floor. Mulder inched back and stared at us with his deeply judgmental eyes. I flipped the cat off behind Nick's back as he half tripped and half climbed over the chair.

Nick’s less-than-graceful move had him falling into me, and making me stumble back as he stumbled forward into the kitchen/dining room inside. The velocity of Nick's fall kept us stumbling backwards until my back slammed into the far wall of the dining room, and Nick's mouth pressed against my neck as he kissed and licked the skin at the spot where my neck and shoulder met. He pushed his entire body into mine and lifted me up from the floor, hands on my hips, under the jersey. My legs went around his waist and his pelvis aligned with mine. I could feel him, barely contained by his jeans, pressing against me. He pushed the Buccaneers shirt off of me, finally, sliding it up, over my head, moving my arms up the wall with his hands, his pressing hips the only thing keeping me up. He leaned forward, his face delving into the cleavage formed by my bra, licking and nipping the skin with his teeth softly. I gasped and tightened my legs, afraid of slipping from his grasp, my ankles hooking around each other at the small of his back. His fingers tangled with mine, our arms still up over my head on the wall.

Nick suddenly pulled away, wrapped his arms around me, holding me to his chest, my boobs pressing into him. He staggered, carrying me, up the stairs and we bumped along the wall as he tried to catch his grip on me as I slid slowly down his body, our mouths locked. Finally, he reached the bedroom, twisted the knob open with some difficulty, and we fell backward, onto the bed, kicking off our pants as we went.

I wasn't entirely sure how this all happened. I'd just come home, and there he'd been, all tense and brooding and... and... it just happened. This is how it'd always been with Nick and I. Even when we tried not to make our relationship about sex, it always became sex, regardless.

His body was heavy on mine, and I stared up at him, my heart pounding. As I felt it slamming in there, I was afraid of what his might be doing, too. Even if he wasn't afraid of having a heart attack during sex, I realized, the truth was that there was a little tiny part of me was afraid of it.

I mean, what exactly would I do if mid-stroke the guy just clutches his heart and tips over? Call an ambulance? Do many people have heart attacks during sex? I don’t know if I’d ever be able to have sex again, ever, if Nick had a heart attack in the middle of it. And if he ever died from said heart attack, I’d feel guilty as all hell for the rest of my life. Then again, what an epic sexual resume - being so good in bed that your partner literally has a heart attack, right? But yeah, no, the thought was absolutely terrifying to me.

But it didn't seem to slow him down.

Within moments, my fingers were tangled up tight in the sheets and sweat was beading all along my body, and Nick's forehead was soaked and dripping with sweat, too. He pushed into me again and again and again. I could hardly breathe, my mind slowly slipping away from me as pleasure began to break over me. He closed his eyes as he released, a groan rumbling in his throat.

Then it was over and he fell to the side and we laid there on the bed, staring up at the ceiling in the morning light, panting, trying to catch our breath.

And into the silence around us, he said, "The scariest part was that I don't wanna die alone."

I looked over at him, and I saw a shadow of sadness on his face and I realized he might be a little more scared than he was letting on after all.

And then I noticed it. The present tense.

“Don’t?” I asked. “Or didn’t?”

Nick looked over at me.




Nick

Part of me wanted to tell her.

I stared at her, right into those bright green eyes of hers, and I knew if I did tell her, she wouldn’t tell anybody else. And I really, really, really, really wanted someone to be close enough to me that I felt safe to tell them, that would care when I told them, that would know to touch my cheek and tell me in a voice firm enough that I’d believe I’d be okay. And Jaymie could maybe do that, I told myself, staring at her, both of us still breathing heavily from having all of the sex. I wanted to tell her, to twine my consciousness and my heart around her the way we’d just done with our bodies, to embed a part of my soul into her…

I shook my head, turned away from her hypnotic green eyes. “Didn’t,” I laughed. “Jesus Christ that was fantastic,” I muttered. “Did you learn new moves while I was in Europe?” I raised an eyebrow, challenging her to question my topic-change.

She stared at me a long moment.

Please. Just let it go, I begged her. Because if I told her, I’d realized, I’d be crossing the line. I’d be violating everything she and I were. And that wasn’t fair to Jaymie. To suddenly change the definition of what we were just because I was afraid, because I didn’t want to be alone. Jaymie didn’t want that, and, I’m sure, least of all with me.

“I might’ve studied up,” she answered after the longest pause of my life. She turned her head away, too. I felt lighter without her eyes on me, like the lie of omission wasn’t as bad or as glaring as long as she wasn’t looking at me.

But something in my stomach started to churn.

I got up grabbed my jeans on the way, and went into the adjoined bathroom. I closed the door and leaned against it, sliding down until I was sitting on my bare bottom on the floor. I took a deep breath.

Brian and I got in a fight once, a long time ago, about Jaymie and me and the relationship we shared. You can’t just have sex with someone, Brian had shouted, without getting your souls involved!

Yes, I can, I had replied. I can and I do. We have sex every single day and our souls have nothin’ to do with it!

Nothin’.

I’d been right then and I was right now.

But that didn’t mean I didn’t want my soul to be close to someone else, I realized. Close the way AJ and Rochelle were close, I thought. And my mind stumbled over the memory of the way I’d felt after watching them hold hands and say vows. I’d wanted so desperately what they had that day… and I wanted it now.

I wanted it bad.

I wanted it before it was too late.