He tried to take a deep breath. Which wasn’t easy, mind you, considering his lungs felt like they were filled with buckets of ice water. He took another breath, calming himself gradually. His world consisted of shapes and colors which he wasn’t able to identify. That wasn’t so bad; it made the world less complicated.
He could hear AJ’s soft voice and threw his gaze in his general direction. Although he couldn’t necessarily figure out what his friend was saying, the sound of his voice was comfortable, a sign that he wasn’t alone.
Because whenever he was alone, the noisy static in his head would usually take over. He didn’t exactly like that.
He blinked slowly a few times, his eyelids becoming heavier. AJ’s droning voice was the perfect thing to fall asleep to. He didn’t necessarily understand why he was so tired all the time. His dreams were hellish, the fever wreaking havoc on his imagination and his senses.
He would dream to be drowning, sinking further and further away into the cold water, screaming for help.
But help would never come. He wanted to move on, he wanted to get better, he wanted more than this confusing world of blurry shapes and sounds. But the feeling of fading away overwhelmed the strength to carry on. He felt himself slipping, heard the sounds becoming softer, further away. Could see the shapes and colors become duller, and even less defined.
AJs voice was a whisper, a droning lullaby. Brian was drifting further and further away, and wondered helplessly if he would be able to make it back this time.
“and neither are you.”
The harsh, painful sound sliced through his mind. The voice grasping his focus and squeezing it tight. He could feel every last bit of his mind as if it were on fire. The sound caused a scale of flashing lights and stabs of pain behind his closed eyelids.
‘We’re gonna do something about all this.’
He silently begged the voice to stop. Earlier, he hadn’t been able to understand AJs voice, had relied on the calm tones of comfort and security. This voice, however, he heard crystal clear, louder than anything he ever remembered. It was taking control, trying to push him to his limits. It hurt too much, and it wouldn’t stop.
0000000000000000000
‘We’re gonna do something about all this.’ Nick had whispered. Brian hadn’t visibly reacted. He lay as still as ever, his face pale and the painful sound of his lungs rattling as he took a breath. Nick winced, a slight headache starting to form as he stared at his band mate. He’d been so sure five seconds ago. He would reach out to Brian, and somehow, everything would be magically okay. He inched closer, nervously watching Brian’s brow furrow as his breathing sped up. Nick wasn’t sure why, but his friend seemed distressed. He could sense AJ lurking behind him, watching him like a hawk. One wrong move and the older man would burst, that was for sure. He couldn’t see Howie anymore, but Nick knew he was still there.
“Bri, can you hear me?” He muttered softly, frowning in concern when he noticed the older singer shaking like a leaf. He swallowed thickly, wondering if the other two in the room had noticed it as well.
Without any further thought, he reached out his hand and grasped Brian’s. He gasped as the room around him suddenly disappeared. He felt himself falling, felt his heart hammering in his chest as the sudden sensations of colors and sounds whirled all around him. He fell down, like Alice down a rabbit hole, or up, like Dorothy in a hurricane. He couldn’t really tell.
He hadn’t anticipated this.
Then, as soon as the colors and flashes and sounds had started, it was over. Everything was dark and he felt a shiver run down his spine. He wasn’t sure if he was still in the hospital or not and the feeling of the wind picking up was terrifying. Soon, it was all he could hear and feel. The deafening stream of the wind blowing in his ears. He wanted to scream and yell for help, but his voice was easily drowned by the overwhelming storm.
Storm.
His eyes grew large as the first drop of rain hit his skin. Was he outside? When had that happened? The ground was wet and slippery beneath him and he slowly got to his feet, swaying only slightly before steadying himself. He noticed the smell of gasoline and smoke in the air and frantically searched for a ray of light in the darkness.
A sudden flash of lightning blinded him, the clap of thunder deafening his ears. He whirled around, panicked as he noticed the ground becoming somewhat unstable.
Another flash, he saw a pale face just a few feet away from him. He gasped, almost losing his footing as he stumbled backwards. He thought he had been alone. He hadn’t been alone.
The lightning became wilder, more frequent. The grumbling thunder menacing as it roared above his head.
In the quick flashes of light, he saw that he was standing on top of a cliff, and there, close the very edge, was Brian. In each flash, Brian was a little bit further away, a little bit closer and closer to the edge. His features were expressionless, his eyes unmoving. The haunting stillness of his face shook Nick to his very core and he screamed at Brian, trying to be heard over the consuming wind.
This was a nightmare. One of those again. Just like he needed.
It had never been like this though. This was a whole new level of scary. He felt the rain slowly soaking him through and through. He saw his friend was wet as well, but he didn’t seem to mind. Another flash had Brian stumbling, his arms flailing and his stoic expression in a state of alarm as he was losing his balance.
“No!” Nick growled, leaping forward as he grasped his friend’s arm. Unlike all the other times in his dreams, there was no wall this time. There was no sudden, overwhelming pain that accompanied him whenever he tried to make physical contact with Brian. There was only the threatening flash of anger in his friend’s eyes as he stared directly into Nick’s.
“Let me go,” Brian mouthed, his piercing stare causing the pit in Nick’s stomach to grow heavier. This wasn’t his friend. He had no idea who this was. Yes, he looked like him, but there was something so ultimately uncharacteristic about him, that he couldn’t truly be Brian.
He didn’t let go though. Not when growled that he didn’t want to be saved, not when the ground slowly began to crumble underneath him. He stood there, straining as he found it impossible to pull his friend back onto the safe side of the cliff, and even more impossible to just let him go. Brian would fall if Nick let him go. Down into the dark, frightening abyss that surrounded the cliff. He would be lost forever.
He couldn’t let that happen. The sudden realization that he was the only factor that kept the older singer from disappearing into a deep, final blackness hit him hard. He stumbled for a second, his grip loosening around Brian. He knew he could wake up from this without so much as a scratch. He would chalk it up as a bad dream, would take a few deep breaths to calm his flailing mind and would go on with his day. But it wasn’t like that for Brian. These moments were defining, as if his life depended on them. And maybe it did. Nick felt the crushing weight on his shoulders when he realized that this could be his last chance.
“Come on!” He roared, for once managing to raise his voice above the thunderclaps above them.
“You cannot save me!” Brian hissed back, “It’s too late!”
Nick set his jaw, throwing his friend a stubborn expression as he yanked him backwards with all his might. Brian didn’t move an inch. “Why won’t you just cooperate?”
“I can’t,” Brian shook his head, a sudden tiredness lacing his voice as the anger disappeared.
“I’ll help you,” Nick offered desperately, “It won’t be so bad, if you just try! Why won’t you just try?”
“I have! It’s not working. I can’t do it. You wouldn’t understand!”
“What wouldn’t I understand?”
“Forget it!”
“No! You are being a stupid idiot! I can help you. I can get you out of here. You just have to fight,” Nick concluded, sternly staring back at his older friend.
A soft, sad smile appeared on Brian’s lips and he averted his gaze before the ground finally gave way beneath him and caused Nick to fall to his knees to be able to keep a hold of Brian, whose was now dangerously dangling over the edge of the cliff. Nick felt the tears freely streaming over his cheeks, indicating the helplessness he felt as he looked at his friend.
“I’ve been fighting my whole life, Nick,” Brian said softly, somehow still audible over the ravaging storm, “I’m done. I’m tired. It’s time. You have to let me go.”
“No…” Nick repeated, this time much more quiet. “Please… it’s just pneumonia, man, it’s not… it wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“Maybe it was,” Brian said. ‘You can’t possibly tell.’
“I can save you,” Nick gasped.
“I’m sorry,” Brian whispered, shaking his head.
“Come on, just hold on. I’ll pull you up, just hold on,” Nick said, planting one foot on the wet ground again as he pulled with all his might. “Just work with me here.”
“Let go.”
“No! No, I won’t let you do this! So many people would be fucking devastated if you do this! You can’t just give up like this, man!” Nick felt his own anger spark suddenly as he realized the ridiculousness of it all.
Since when had he known Brian to be a quitter?
“You can’t save me,” Brian repeated, and Nick wasn’t completely sure, but he thought he heard a bit of hesitation in the older man’s voice.
“I can sure as hell try!” He said, slowly getting up off his knees and onto his feet, dragging Brian backwards with him.
“What are you doing?” Brian gasped, his face twisting in pain as he was pulled back upon solid ground again.
Nick was just as amazed. He felt his muscles straining with the effort it took to pull them both back up. The storm had suddenly died down, the silence seemingly just as deafening as the thunder had been. He studied his older friend’s legs with a hopeless feeling of despair, realizing they barely even looked like legs anymore.
He took a deep breath, watching Brian’s painful expression as the older singer lay on the grassy, dry ground, panting and exhausted. Nick nodded as he made the decision. If Brian couldn’t make it out of here by himself, he would just have to carry him.
Author's Chapter Notes:
This took forever
