Chapter 9
AJ paced the length of the Honeycomb - or, as he had more lovingly dubbed it, ‘The Beehive.’ His therapist, Dr. Sterling, had made quite a big deal about that. It had taken almost a full session decipher that one out. Why, Alexander, do you find the need to nickname everything? It had made him so angry. He didn’t nickname everything. He nicknamed people who were close to him. He nicknamed places he spent a lot of time, or songs with really long titles. He nicknamed fans whose names he couldn’t remember, and people that bugged him. But there were things he didn’t nickname. Like plants. And food.
In the end, Sterling concluded that AJ used nicknames whenever he experienced extreme emotions. Love, hate, embarrassment, confusion, happiness. He challenged AJ to make a concentrated effort to figure out the basis for each nickname he gave.
The Beehive? Pure boredom.
And, for the record, AJ absolutely despised that Sterling called him Alexander. It was all mental, AJ knew. You need to stay centered and focused, Alexander. You have gotten so good at becoming AJ, the Backstreet Boy. But who is Alexander McLean? Every time the doctor called him by his full name, AJ tried to come up with another nickname for the therapist. It had turned into quite an enjoyable game - at least on his end. He had finally settled on Silver, partially due to the salt-and-pepper hair the doctor sported and partially for the nice “Sterling Silver” ring that it had. Although the doc pretended to get annoyed, AJ could see the sparkle of enjoyment behind his eyes whenever he called him Silver.
AJ reached the end of the Beehive and spun, continuing his pacing. His eyes landed on the one item hanging on his yellow wall - a piece of paper that had numbers on it, beginning with 1. Each number was crossed out except for the highest, 7. Sterling had told him he needed to focus on the positive things in his life. Find something that he could reward himself with. The simple line of numbers represented each day he had gone without a drink.
Those first three days, he was certain he was going to die. He spent more time screaming, breaking things, and crying against Sofia than really living. Then, slowly, it got easier. He had gotten in the habit of getting up to watch the sun come up and hit the mountains. He drank a lot of coffee and exercised in the weight room. Each day was a new start. A new number.
And secretly, he was aiming for that number 7. The day that maybe - just maybe - he would have a visitor. Today.
He had had many low moments this past week. Moments where he was sure that no one would be here. That they had all forgotten him, or were secretly glad he was officially gone. Even nightmares that Kevin had successfully kicked him out of the band without him knowing. AJ shook his head. No Backstreet thoughts. Dr. Sterling had a firm ‘no business’ rule. The whole “Learn Who You Are Without the Backstreet Boys.” He could talk about his friends, and his fears. But no work. No writing songs, or singing, or thinking about management or tour. And as frustrating as it was, he was making a valiant effort to follow the doc’s rules. The big guy knew what he was doing after all. And AJ DID want to get better. Even if it was hard.
The knock on his door caused him to freeze mid-spin. Sofia poked her head in, smiling. “Buenos Dias, Conejito. You have some visitors.”
“Multiple?” AJ’s voice cracked. “Who?”
“Aw, Conejito. Where’s the fun in that? Come see. I know they are excited to see you. They’ve been waiting since 9:45.”
AJ guffawed. “No, they haven’t. They’re never on time. I’m the early one. There’s no way anyone has been here that long.”
“I promise. I let them in myself. Vamos!” She waved toward the door. Her smile was infectious, and AJ followed her through the living area and into the hallway.
As they neared the meeting room, AJ slowed. “Sofia... I...” He stopped, wringing his shirt between his fingers.
The nurse turned and gripped his shoulders. “Conejito, you have come so far this week. I have never seen someone work as hard as you have. Do not be scared. You are blessed with the love that is waiting in that room for you.” AJ stared into her eyes, unsure. When her gaze did not waver, he nodded.
“Okay.” He reached out and pushed open the door to the meeting room. His palms were sweating and he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest.
He was barely in the room when he heard Howie call his name. “Alex!” The short Latino was suddenly on top of him, his hug suffocating. Almost simultaneously, he felt a second set of arms envelope him.
“Hey, Bone. You’re looking snazzy today.” Nick’s voice was low and sultry in his ear, and AJ couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.
“I can’t believe you came.”
“Of course we came! This has been the longest week EVER!” Nick’s voice returned to normal, and AJ pulled away from his friends, tears in his eyes. He remembered Dr. Silver’s admonition to not be afraid to cry. He had sounded so much like Kevin the first time he’d said it that AJ had stormed out of their session. It took two full sessions to determine the meaning behind that one.
‘Why does authority bother you so much, Alexander? Is it the lack of control? What is it about Kevin trying to be a parental figure in your life that you aren’t ready to admit?’
AJ could feel the fire from his eyes boring into the doctor’s own. ‘Kevin is not my father.’
‘Is it so bad that he tries?’
They still hadn’t gotten to the bottom of that one.
Returning to the moment, AJ wiped his eyes and let his gaze fall on Brian.
He was about five steps away. His face held so many emotions, AJ wasn’t sure he could place them all. His hands twisted at the Wildcat’s baseball cap he was holding, his face contorted into a pained smile, and AJ saw a tear slide down his cheek. When their gazes connected, AJ felt his knees begin to give out slightly beneath him. “Brian,” he whispered.
With that one word, Brian was there. Hugging him, crying, squeezing AJ tighter than he thought possible. “I’m so proud of you.” Brian whispered over and over. “So proud.”
“You wonder why the fans think we’re gay.” Nick quipped, elbowing Howie in the ribs. Howie shot him a death glare, but AJ chuckled. It felt good to laugh again. It felt good to be with these men who he called brothers.
“I missed you guys.” He said, looking at each of them in turn. Brian refused to let him go. Before he could stop himself, he felt his eyes move past Brian, scanning the room for the one missing person.
“He didn’t come.” It was Howie who broke the news. “He sends his love, of course-”
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Howie. I’m not a tabloid reporter. Tell me straight.”
Howie looked at the other two for help, but they both avoided his eyes. “He still thinks you’re pulling a fast one on us. He refused to come.”
AJ nodded, resigned. Sterling had warned him that some people adjusted to news like this differently than others. ‘It may take Kevin time,’ he had said. AJ wasn’t so sure about that. Kevin may take hours to state his opinion, but it didn’t take him long to make a decision and expect everyone to fall in line. When people chose to go against Kevin’s wishes, it was easy for the older man to write them off. He was a natural leader and expected his minions to follow. Knowing what Kevin had been planning that last day made him pretty sure that Kevin was finished with him.
He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath, counting to ten. He wouldn’t let that interfere with his day. After all, wasn’t this what he was here to learn to deal with? Sterling and he had talked about staying positive in unfortunate situations. ‘Look for the good things! What do you have to be happy about right now?’ AJ looked at each of his three brothers in turn. He had more love right here than he could ever imagine.
“I can’t believe you all flew up here today.” He tried to make his words light.
“Well...” Brian looked at Nick and Howie. “We didn’t exactly fly up here - at least not today. We kinda found a place to rent...”
AJ’s mouth fell open. He was literally speechless. “Here? In Wyoming? Wha-”
“It’s a cabin!” Nick interrupted, bouncing a little. “Like, full out legit log cabin!” Howie rolled his eyes. Nick continued, “I don’t have to share a room with anyone, and the mountains are right there. And there’s hiking trails and horses and bugs and shit.”
AJ laughed. “Bugs and shit?”
“Yeah. This one almost ate Howie,” He scrambled away a little as Howie lunged for him. “Dawg! I’m not saying anything about your size, just that they were some huge ass bugs!” Howie tried a second time to intercept the young blonde, but Nick leapt behind the couch in the middle of the room. He was saved by a soft knocking at the door before Dr. Sterling entered.
AJ wondered what a strange view the four of them made for the doctor: Brian attached to AJ, practically swinging on him; Nick perched behind the sofa in crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon pose; Howie halfway over the couch ready to leap onto Nick. They all froze when he entered, and Howie tried as calmly and maturely as possible to climb off the couch and walk toward AJ and Brian - although he was able to throw one last death-glare toward Nick as he did so.
“Gentlemen.” Dr. Sterling addressed the three men with AJ. “You must be Alexander’s friends.”
“Brothers.” Brian corrected him, before stumbling over his words. “I mean- I’m sorry, Sir. Forgive me. It’s just-”
“No worries. You must be Brian. The Southern drawl gives it away. I’m Dr. Sterling.” Sterling chuckled as he held out his hand to Brian. Brian reluctantly let go of AJ and shook the doctor’s hands. “You must be Nick? And Howie?” He asked, turning to the other two. “Alexander here has been doing an excellent job making some positive life changes this past week. If he’s comfortable, I’d love to have him share them with you a little. If he isn’t ready, you can use this time to just be together and enjoy one another’s company. We do have a few ground rules, which I will let Alexander share with you.”
AJ couldn’t help but turn to catch Nick’s face as the doctor was talking. He had the most dumbfounded expression AJ had ever seen. “Alexander?” He mouthed toward AJ. AJ just smiled.
Dr. Sterling put his hand gently on Brian’s shoulder as he passed. “Brian, when you have a moment, could I ask you to come see me in my office? No rush.” When Brian hesitated, glancing toward AJ, the doctor smiled gently. “Don’t worry, I’ve already cleared it with Alexander. He know’s you’ll be coming to see me.” Brian nodded, suddenly nervous, and Dr. Sterling gave his should a little squeeze before turning to leave. “Enjoy your visit!” He called as he left the room.
“He’s a gem, isn’t he?” AJ asked. His voice was sarcastic, but the boys could hear the truth behind it.
“What’s with the Alexander?” Nick couldn’t hold in his curiosity.
“He says I have created an identity as AJ and that we need to get back to my core personality.” When the three others nodded knowingly, AJ added, “I know recently you had all been calling me AJ, not Alex. Until... last Sunday, that is. And it had really bothered me - before, I mean. I get it now. That’s who I’d been. I hadn’t been Alex. But I’m trying to figure out how to get back to that person.”
Howie walked forward and wrapped his arm around AJ’s neck. “We know, Alex. You’re doing a great job.”
“Yeah, Alexander.” Nick quipped, before he was hit in the stomach by Brian. “Ow! What did I do?!” Brian’s glare made Nick pout a little, his hands up in defeat.
“It’s ok, Rok. I missed the little brat.” AJ motioned toward the door. “Com’on. Let me give you the grand tour. And the ‘Ground Rules’.” He made quotation marks in the air as he went to open the door. As the three others walked through, AJ filled them in with Dr. Sterling’s ‘No Business’ rule. He could tell it baffled them all a little, but they seemed open to giving it a shot.
“That’s gunna be hard to remember.” Nick mumbled. “How will we know what is work and what is us?”
“That’s the point, I imagine.” Howie said, smiling.
AJ walked closer to Brian, leaning in. “Go ahead and see the Big Doc. We’ll be in my room.” Brian smiled nervously. Why did he suddenly feel like he was in trouble? “Don’t worry. He doesn’t bite.” A wicked gleam flickered over AJ’s eyes as he grinned. “Call him Silver. He loves it.”
Chapter End Notes:
I'd really love to know your thoughts! Trying hard to update a chapter a week. I hope some people are enjoying my first attempt at public fanfic!
