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Chapter Twelve


Nick

I pulled my phone out of my pocket as I rolled across the bed, having run all the way from the mouth of the trail, across the lawn and up the stairs to the bedroom. I was breathless, but focused. I felt like all my muscles were tight, the nerve endings yelling Lauren’s name. I needed to call her now, while I was still brave. My heart rate accelerated as the phone rang and I landed on my back, staring up at the ceiling, trying to ignore Cyndi Lauper staring at me from the closet door.

Six rings. That’s how long it took.

“Nick, oh my god, hi,” Lauren was breathless, too. But I could hear voices and motivational music and stuff in the background and knew her breathlessness was probably ‘cos she was at like a gym or something. “I’ve been hoping you’d call.”

I had to get the words out before my insides exploded: “Lauren, I love you,” I said.

She let out a breath that sounded like relief. “I love you too.”

I let out a similar breath, one I’d been holding for some time and hadn’t even realized it.

“I miss you. So does Nacho and Igby and Mulder.”

“I miss them, too,” I replied. “Are they being good?”

“Yes, they just want their daddy-human,” Lauren answered. “Nacho sniffs around your pillow every night.”

“I miss him,” I answered.

“So come home, Nick,” Lauren said, “I don’t care if we can’t get married yet, just come home.”

I shook my head feverishly, even though she couldn’t see me, “No, no, no,” I said, “I want to get married. What I did, leavin’, it was stupid and I shouldn’t have run off. I don’t even know why or what all I thought I was scared of. I want to be with you forever, that’s what I’m most afraid of is losing you, and I dunno what I thought was so scary about having legal documents saying I’ma spend all my life with you. I’m so stupid sometimes. I love you so much. Please don’t think I don’t love you because I have this whole time, so, so, so, so, so, so much.”

I didn’t feel like I could stress it enough to make her understand how much.

I could hear the smile in her voice. “So where are you? How long ‘til you get here?”

“I dunno… I gotta get a flight and stuff… I’m in Irvine, Kentucky.”

“Kentucky?” I could picture the way her nose crinkled as she said the word in the tone she did and I laughed a little because I loved her crinkle-nose. “How in the world did you end up in Kentucky?” she asked.

I rolled onto my side so my back was to Ms. Lauper. “Kevin,” I answered, “Kev’s dad, who died in ‘91, he used to run this camp and when the paparazzi wouldn’t leave me alone, Kev had this idea we come here ‘til I figured out what I was doin’, basically.”

“Wait, you’re camping?” Lauren’s voice was incredulous, “You are camping? I cannot picture that.”

I laughed. “Well, it’s not really camping,” I said. “It’s like a log cabin in the woods. There’s indoor plumbing and a real kitchen and stuff. It’s the house Kev grew up in. Just they own cabins and a bunch of land and stuff that people could rent.”

“Well that sounds more like something you could handle,” Lauren laughed.

“Yeah, no, baby, you know me, if it was like real camping I’d have been like oh hellz nawh,” I said.

Lauren laughed harder. “God damn, I missed you.”

I wanted to reach through the phone and hug her. “I’ma come home as soon as I can get a flight.”

I wondered if Kevin would stay or come with me, based on his situation with Kristin…

“Good. This is where you belong.”

“Wherever you are is where I belong,” I agreed. Then, “Lo? Can I tell you somethin’, and you won’t mention it to nobody?”

“Of course.”

I took a deep breath, “So part of the reason I’m in Kentucky is ‘cos when I freaked out at the wedding Kevin kinda is the one who… you know… got me out of there and stuff… I mean don’t blame him or nothin’, ‘cos it was totally my fault, but, like, Kev helped me ‘cos he thought I really was having a panic attack and stuff. Like I was faking a heart attack and stuff… But anyways, part of the reason we came to Kentucky is a’cos Kevin was staying in a hotel all month. Him and Kristin have been fighting he said, and he’s been goin’ through hell for like a year and nobody knew it.”

Lauren’s voice dipped with sympathy, “They split up?”

“Not like officially, but she kicked him out of the house, I guess, and they haven’t really gotten to talk it out much,” I explained, “He’s real upset. And I found out all kinds of stuff about him this week... Like he was engaged before I met him and Kristin like pulled a speak now or forever hold your peace kinda thing. But like before it started... like she was to him what he was to me at our wedding. Him and Kristin like ran off to Orlando and then he met Lou and me and BSB and alla that.”

“What? That’s crazy!” Lauren said, “I never would’ve pictured that backstory for Kevin, he seems so… straight up, I guess.”

“I know!” I said, “And I met the girl… She works on the camp, her name’s Caroline. She’s been real nice. I told her about you and she told me to call you. She’s been rooting for us to get back together. You’d like her, Lolo. Like, the whole time we were cleaning the horse stalls the other day we were talkin’ about whether I should text you or not and --”

“Pause,” Lauren interrupted. “You were cleaning horse stalls? You?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“You?”

“Yes me,” I said, laughing, “I touched a horse and everything.”

“I can’t picture that. Almost more than I can’t picture you camping. Nick, country boy you is really sexy in my mind,” Lauren said with a snicker.

“You shouldda seen country boy me getting mucked,” I told her.

“What?”

“Caroline mucked me.”

“What?”

“You know, like mucking the stalls? Caroline like was mucking Portia’s stall -- that’s one of the horses, by the way, not like a Porsche like the car or nothin’ -- and she threw the horse shit at me and it was like fwapp and was all over me and I was covered in horse shit all over the place and I only packed one pair of pants and she sprayed me with a hose and I was runnin’ in the house pullin’ my clothes off to go shower and I hadda wear Kev’s sweatpants to the store and -- LAUREN, the store. The store is so stupid. It was so little. And they had like an army’s worth of Duck Dynasty t-shirts all up in boxes piled to the ceiling baby! The ceiling. I’m so not exaggerating at all, neither. And there’s a dude -- Uncle Devon -- he’s not Kevin’s uncle but that’s what he’s called -- and he’s older than a dinosaur.”

She was laughin’ so hard by the time I finished the whole story, I grinned at my excellent story telling skills. Making Lauren laugh was one of my favorite things in the world. The more I talked to her, the more I wondered what the hell I’d been so afraid of in the church the day of our wedding. I would do anything to be able to turn back time to the moment my panic started and remind myself of all the awesome that was gonna follow once Lauren and I got married.

I knew just from her laughing that me and Lauren were going to be okay.

Now I just had to figure out how to help Kevin.




Some time later, when Lauren and I finally hung up with the promise I’d call her the next morning with my plans for when I was coming home, I snuck out into the hallway and knocked on Kevin’s door. It was mid-afternoon, but I mean the guy was up all night getting arrested and stuff so who knew if he was awake? But he only took a moment before he opened the door. “Hey,” he said. “You call Lauren?”

I nodded.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

“We’re good,” I answered, and the words warmed me up from the inside out. I smiled, “I think this mighta even made us closer maybe.”

Kevin smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m glad for you, Nick,” he said. Then he sighed and backed into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I followed him in. I felt like I was entering hallowed ground, like a mission party landing on a foreign planet and looking around. Or else maybe like I’d walked into Kevin himself.

I looked around the room.

It was still painted like a young boy’s - dark blue upper walls, with a sports theme border and dark wood up about waist high. He had a shelf over the desk with two football trophies and a signed football on a little stand. A UK sports poster hung on one wall, a Michael Jackson poster on another. There was a map of the world over the headboard of the bed with tacks in the places he’d been last time he’d lived here - only a few places were marked off, nothing international. A poster with a bunch of aeroplane models hung next to that on one side and on the other side, right by the pillows, were Polaroids tacked to the wall. Pictures of Kevin and his parents and his brothers and Caroline and some horse that didn’t live in the barn anymore and dogs that I had never met.

This was the things of the Kevin I’d never known, the Kevin before Backstreet, the Kevin before his dreams had begun to come true.

I could see the traces of the Kevin I knew here clearly.

“Are you gonna call Kris?” I asked.

Kevin took a deep breath. “I’m afraid to. What if she doesn’t answer? Or worse, what if she does and she makes this break-up official?”

“What if you call her and she tells you to come home?” I suggested, “What if she starts cryin’ sayin’ she missed you?”

“Well then why hasn’t she called me or texted me?” Kevin asked.

“Maybe she wants you to make the first move.”

He stared down at his knees.

He seemed more vulnerable somehow here, in this place, surrounded by everything from when he was just a boy. I could suddenly picture him, freckle-faced and gangly-limbed, kneeling on the bed sticking those tacks in the map at North Carolina, Chicago, Nashville and Orlando on the map, reading all the cool facts about the planes, and dreaming of one day growing up and getting away.

It was a strange feeling because I wanted to take care of him.

Me! Taking care of Kevin! -- It seemed like an impossibility.

Kevin had alway taken care of me.

“I mean, if you never call her it’s gonna be over anyways,” I pointed out. “If you call her at least you know. Sometimes it’s the wonderin’ thats the hardest part.”

Kev nodded.

“So call her.”

He pulled out his phone and I watched him tap to her name on his recent calls list. His thumb hovered there. He looked up at me.

“The hardest part is pressing the button,” I said.

And he brought his thumb down on the screen.

We both stood there, waiting, the phone ringing… ringing… ringing… I held my breath. My fingers crossed. Ringing… ringing… ringing… It’d taken even Lauren six rings, I told myself, and I stared at Kevin’s phone as he held it to his ear. I wondered if his heart was beating as fast as mine was. It was practically in my throat.

Answer, please answer, I mentally begged Kristin. I hoped my telepathy would reach clear across the country.

Ringing… ringing… ringing…

Kevin pulled the phone away from his ear, “See… she’s not going to pick up, Nick, I told you. She doesn’t love me any ---”

“Hello?”

Both our eyes snapped to the phone.

“Hello?”

Kevin hurried to put it to his ear. “Kris? Kris? It’s me, Kev,” he said hurriedly. “We gotta talk, baby.”

I backed out of the room as Kevin twisted in the swivel chair and I pulled his bedroom door shut behind me as I reached the hallway, leaving him alone to talk to Kristin.

I sighed in relief as the door clicked into place.




I wandered outside after that because being anywhere in the house felt like I was too close to give Kevin the privacy he needed, so I sat myself down on the edge of the porch, staring out at the field as Caroline rode Peepsa around. Earlier she’d been on Barbara, but it was apparently the next horse’s turn now, and Portia was running alongside them as Barbara quietly ate grass on her own. The horses weren’t so bad, I thought. They were almost beautiful from a distance, even, with their flowy tails and long legs running through the sun and the grass.

I’d been sitting there watching for awhile when Kevin came out and sat down next to me and we both just sat there watching the horses run.

“If I book us a flight,” Kevin said, “Would you be opposed to leaving tomorrow?”

I looked over at him, “I wanna go home.”

Kevin nodded.

We both turned back to watching as Caroline slowed and slid down from Peepsa’s back and started undoing the saddle from her, putting it on Portia.

“So it went okay, talkin’ to Kristin?” I asked.

“I mean things aren’t fixed,” Kevin replied, “But… we’re gonna talk, and that’s the first step, you know? It’s gonna take a lot of work to repair what we’ve done to our relationship, but every good thing takes work.”

“Y’all are worth the work,” I said, nodding.

Kev nodded, too.




It was almost nine before Caroline came inside from doing all she was working on out there. Kevin had booked our flight for the next afternoon and we’d both packed and put our duffel bags in the hallway by the foot of the stairs. We were playing Boggle in the living room when the door opened and we heard Caroline come to a stop in the foyer. There was a long pause before she stuck her head into the living room.

“Y’all are packed,” she commented.

Kevin tipped the timer onto it’s side to pause the game and I looked up. “We, uh, we had a long talk with our women today,” he explained, “And it turns out we’re both welcome to come home.”

Caroline stood in the doorway. She nodded awkwardly, “Well hey,” she said, her voice thick, “That’s awesome. I’m happy for y’all.” She smiled, but it was one of those kinda smiles that you do when you’re only smiling for show. She ducked out of the living room.

Kevin and I turned to look at each other. I raised my eyebrows. “I didn’t even think about the fact we were going to have to tell her we were leaving,” Kevin mumbled. He stared down at the Boggle board. I put down my pen. If he was gonna look at the Boggle without the timer running, then we were done with the game anyways. Kev’s very serious about Boggle fairness etiquette. Honestly I’d peeked at it like three times while Caroline was leaning into the room and I’d been totally prepared to steal the words coffee, foe, and fee when we restarted the game timer.

“Well, I mean, she knew we were leavin’ at some point, it’s not like we were gonna move in here or nothin’,” I said. “And she’s the one that’s been encouraging us to like call our girls and stuff.”

Kevin nodded slowly.

“We aren’t doin’ nothin’ wrong or anything,” I added.

Kevin sighed. “I’m gonna go talk to her,” he said, and he got up and walked out of the room.

I poked at the Boggle board and played with the hourglass timer, tilting it back and forth. I felt bad for Caroline that we were gonna leave her or whatever, but she’d said she liked her solitude out here at the camp and stuff. If that was true, then she should be glad we were leaving. And plus, she wouldn’t have to deal with memories of Kevin buggin’ her anymore if we left her alone, and I’m sure the only reason she wasn’t ready for me to leave yet is ‘cos I hadn’t yet been too hyper around her or gone stir crazy yet or nothin’. Though it wouldn’t have been much longer before I did. I’d only really spent one evening in the camp thanks to all the crazy shit that’d gone down over the last couple days, but I was already bored as shit. I mean seriously we were playing Boggle. Everyone gets sick of me pretty quick once I get hyper and stir crazy.

Just ask the other Backstreet Boys.

There’s a reason we tour in five buses now.

Caroline came into the room carrying a frozen dinner plate thingy and sat down, putting the food onto the coffee table next to the Boggle board. It was a limp manicotti sort of thing with a pathetic smattering of cheese. Kevin followed her.

“Caroline,” he said, “C’mon.”

“Kevin, seriously, I’m fine,” she said. She stuck a fork into the manicotti-like-substance and all the ricotta slid out like two pieces of a halved caterpillar. I made a face.

“I’ll come back and visit more,” he promised. “I’ll bring the kids. I know Mason would love to learn to ride a horse. I can’t picture a better person to teach him than you.”

Caroline nodded and started eating the manicotti, despite it’s dead caterpillar look. I watched like most people like horror movies - somewhere between fascination that anyone would eat that shit and disgust that anyone would eat that shit.

Kevin sat on the couch, a full cushion separating the two of them. “I’ll talk to mama about hiring a second person up here, too, so you ain’t all alone. I don’t like that you’re alone up here, it concerns me and --”

“I’m fine, Kevin,” she snapped. “I’m fine being alone, I’ve been alone up here for years, I know how to take care of myself and the horses and the property, I don’t need help, I don’t need anyone here. I’m fine.”

Kevin rubbed his knees, “Caroline --”

“Kevin,” she said in a voice that even I knew was a warning, “I. am. fine.”

He shut up.

We sat there in silence. Caroline finished eating the manicotti thing. Then she gathered up her stuff and stood up. “Well, you guys have a safe trip home and all that if I don’t see you in the mornin’. I’ve got to get an early start, got to buy some more hay for them horses in the mornin’, so I probably won’t be here when you leave. Make sure you lock up, Kevin.” She turned to me and her voice was less automated, less cold. “It was really nice to meet you, Nick, and I hope you and Lauren work it out.”

“We’ll be okay,” I answered confidently.

Caroline smiled what looked like a genuine smile. “I’m glad. You’re a good kid.” She turned back to Kevin. “Goodnight,” she said firmly, and she left the room, her feet echoing on the steps.

I looked at Kevin.

He hung his head and sighed.