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Chapter Twenty-Two - I Already Did


Two hours of talking to the cops, signing paperwork granting me temporary custody of Ethan until further plans could be made, and some stitches later, Ethan and I were waiting for the final papers to sign at the ER’s exam room. It was all very stringent and clean looking. I sat on a little stool, Ethan on the paper-covered table’s edge, staring down at his feet. Neither of us knew how to breach the subject of everything that had happened between us, so it was an awkward silence that settled upon us. Finally, after some time had passed as we waited, I looked over at him. “You know it’s not your fault, right? None of this.” I waved my hand at the bruises on his face and in the air between us.

“Yeah,” he answered offhandedly.

“No kid deserves that.”

He shrugged.

“I mean it.”

He took a deep breath. “Nick, I stole the necklace, okay? I did steal it. And then I lied to you. A lot. And to Lauren.” He looked up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly. I recognized the motion. It was a tough-guy-doesn’t-wanna-cry move. Then he reached into his jacket, fished around a moment and held out his hand.

I held mine out, too, and he dropped something into it. Something small.

My guitar pick. Kurt Cobain’s guitar pick.

I looked up at him.

“I stole this, too,” he muttered. “I was gonna sell it. There’s a collector guy I know that sells stuff on eBay for a low commission fee and I knew he could get a good price for it,” Ethan chewed his lip. “I wanted to hauck it so I could help my dad with buying a place to live. I stole the necklace for Lauren. Because you said she likes horses.” He pulled his messenger bag up onto his lap and unzipped it. He took out a really nice leather wallet, two CDs, a Tampa Bay Buccaneers license plate frame, a small candle, and a small box of chocolates. I stared at the pile of assorted stuff on the table next to him. “I stole all this stuff,” he said. “For you guys. For Christmas. It wasn’t right, but I didn’t have any other way to get y’all Christmas presents. And I was gonna bring money back as soon as Mr. Carver paid me for the weekend shifts.” He looked desperately at me. “So you were kinda right to be mad at me.”

I stood up and looked at the stuff he’d stolen. I held up the license plate frame, “They probably appreciated you lowering the inventory in this case, considering how shitty they’ve been this season,” I commented.

Ethan sniffed a laugh and looked down, a slight smile threatening the corners of his lips, but the shame of the moment more strong than the joke I’d made.

I licked my lips, “We didn’t need presents.”

“Y’all have been so nice to me, I wanted to do something in return and… there’s nothing else I could do,” he said, looking up at me with wet eyes.

I put the license plate frame back down, pushed the stuff to one side and sat where it’d been, propping my arm up on Ethan’s shoulders. “You know what you can do that I want more than any of this stuff?”

“What?”

“Don’t steal anymore,” I said, “And study hard and get good grades and get real smart and do real amazing things with your life and someday, when you’ve done all kinds of cool shit, you can take a second and maybe thank me. Think you can do that?”

Ethan nodded.

“Cool.” I smiled, “Thanks.”

“I dunno if I’ll ever do anything amazing though,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because,” he answered with a sigh, “I just don’t know if I will is all.”

I recognized the defeat in his voice, in the look in his eyes. I knew what he was feeling all too well. I’d felt it so many times over the years, usually it was the feeling I had after long nights out at a bar when I’d be sitting somewhere nursing my hangover, my mind still spinning over blurred memories of the night before. It was the feeling that made me get back up and go back out hours later, the feeling that drove me to destroy myself. A worthless, empty kind of feeling, like nothing in the world would change if you weren’t part of it. The same feeling that whats-his-face got in It’s a Wonderful Life before the old man guy showed him how shitty life would be without him. A feeling that I’d carried around with me for years before Lauren had saved me.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Look… Ethan… I know it’s hard to believe right now, but it’s gonna get better. You gotta believe me, you gotta trust me about it. You gotta stay strong, don’t give in to feeling sad and sorry for yourself. It ain’t you that’s wrong, it’s the world around you. You are a great kid. It might not always be easy - in fact, I promise there’s gonna be times that it’s gonna be really hard to do that right thing and stay on course - but… you’re gonna find someone someday who believes in you so much that when they look at you and they tell you that you can do it, you’ll feel it, you’ll know they’re right. And it won’t matter what kinda bad stuff’s in your past, they won’t judge you by it. They’ll still tell you you’re a good person, and they’ll show you how to do better, and they’ll be your biggest fan. Always. No matter what. Even when you’re scared they’re gonna leave you, they’ll surprise you and be there just the same.” I paused to take a breath. “I promise you… you’re gonna find someone like that someday.”

There were tears in Ethan’s eyes as he stared intently back into my gaze, his lower lip trembled just a little bit. “I already did,” he said.

I stared back, my mind reeling, trying to figure out who he meant… I realized it was me just as the door opened and the doctor came back in.

“Okay,” he announced, “I have the paperwork here… let’s get you out of here, you’ve had a long night.”

I moved through the discharge process on autopilot, my mind working on a knot of thoughts and feelings connected to Ethan saying that I was the person that made him believe in himself. Despite the fight we’d had, despite the shit I’d said, despite the shit he’d said. It was okay in the end between us, and not only okay, but maybe, just maybe, I’d been able to make it better.

In the Jeep, we were on I-40 when Lauren called, frantic because the last she’d heard I’d been about to go in and kill Otis at the RV. We brought her up to speed on the Jeep’s Bluetooth, which took most of the ride home. When we got back to the house, I pulled up into the driveway rather than park on the curb and Lauren came out the garage door, her eyes all red from crying, though she’d pulled it together by then, and wrapped Ethan in a huge hug. “Welcome home,” she said.

“Thanks,” he answered.

“You must be exhausted. C’mon inside,” she guided him in the door, glancing back at me anxiously before turning to follow him. “I’ll make coffee… or cocoa? Would you rather tea?”

“Whatever’s good,” he answered. “Cocoa.” Lauren saw him to the kitchen table, where Nacho jumped against his leg eagerly awaiting to be patted and I stood, leaning against the counter while she busied herself by opening the cupboards and getting the stuff together for cocoa.

My eyes traveled across the foyer to the living room, where the Christmas tree glowed, the base surrounded by presents of varying sizes. Lauren saw my eyes on the stuff under the tree as she carried Ethan his cocoa. “You know me,” she said, “I get busy when I’m nervous.” She put the mug down by Ethan, “I wrapped everything.” She shrugged.

“Thanks,” Ethan said, sipping the cocoa.

In all the craziness, I still hadn’t gotten Lauren a Christmas present. And here it was, almost too late. I rubbed the back of my neck.

When the cocoa was gone, we went to bed. “Let us know if you need anything during the night,” Lauren told Ethan. She fussed nervously over his bruises and finally let him disappear into his bedroom. She looked up at me. “He’s okay, right?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“You’re sure?”

I nodded, “The doctor said so.”

We went into our own bedroom and laid down in bed after getting ready for sleep, putting on pajamas and brushing our teeth. Lauren crawled in next to me and wrapped her arms around me tight, laying her head against my chest.

“I think we have a teenager,” I told her.

“I think so too,” she answered.




The next day, Ethan and I shipped all the things he’d stolen back to their respective stores with anonymous notes of apology. I would’ve made him bring them back in but I was afraid of the security guy in the Cool Springs Galleria, so we just mailed it, though the lady at the post office firmly reminded me that there was no way it would get there before Christmas, seeing as it was the next day.

In the parking lot I said to Ethan, “Here’s the deal. You’re welcome to stay at our house as long as you like. But no more stealing. For any reason. If you need something, you tell us and we will either buy it for you or help you figure out how to save the money to get it. Understand?”

He nodded.

I took a deep breath. “Okay. Now. Next mission. I need something for Lauren for Christmas.”

Ethan shrugged, “A horse necklace?”

I laughed, “While I’m sure she would love it, I’m not sure it’s the right thing for me to get her,” I answered.

“Well… what’s she want?” Ethan asked.

“A baby,” I answered.

I realized when I said it, that I hadn’t asked her how her appointment had gone.

I also knew what I could give her.




That night, we went for a Christmas Eve walk, putting little cotton antlers on the dogs and strolling through the neighborhood, looking at all the lights on the houses. The lights Lauren and I had put up might not’ve been the best in the neighborhood, but we were one of the few that had put our own up, making it better only because it wasn’t some professionally done impersonal thing like some of the other houses were. We chose favorites and sucked on candy canes as we walked, talking and laughing over Christmas memories.

Back at the house, we watched some movies - Christmas Vacation and a Christmas Carol among them - and drank eggnog and ate breakfast for dinner, bacon and eggs and pancakes with cinnamon sugar sprinkled on top, cut into snowflake shapes. When the night got late, I pulled up a three hour long YouTube video that looked and sounded like a fireplace on the TV screen and we played some board games by the fake fireplace.

Eventually, Ethan was sleepy and headed up to bed and it left Lauren and I sitting in the living room on the couch, just watching the stupid fireplace video crackle and flicker. I ran my hand along her shoulder, staring at the orange glow. My mind was still on the talk I’d had with Ethan at the ER, about the person that changes your life by believing in you, and I was really thankful to be holding mine.

I moved to look at her face and leaned down to kiss her cheek with reverence. She looked up at me. She must’ve feel the sincerity of it because she asked, “What was that for?”

“Because you’re you,” I answered. “Thank you.” I squeezed her into my chest.

She laughed, “Well thank you for being you, too,” she replied.

The video of the fireplace ended and went back to the YouTube comment page and I reached for the TV remote and turned it off so we were sitting there in just the Christmas tree light.

“Can I give you my present now?” I asked.

“Don’t you want to wait until tomorrow?” Lauren answered.

“I’d rather Ethan not see it,” I said.

Lauren raised an eyebrow, “Oh?”

“One sec.” I got up and fetched the bag from next to the tree where I’d put it. Yeah, Ethan had been with me when I got the stuff but I don’t think he’d really paid attention, given what it was. I put the bag on her lap. She smiled and sat up straighter, tucking her legs underneath her and gingerly pulling the tissue I’d stuffed in around the stuff inside out, a smile crawling over her lips. She reached inside and withdrew a pregnancy test and a bag of spinach. She laughed and raised her eyebrow.

“Nick, what’s this?”

“I want us to start trying again,” I replied. “Officially.” I stared into her eyes, “I want a baby with you, and I’m gonna do whatever it takes to make one. Seriously, I’ll eat nothin’ but spinach for the rest of my days if that’s what it takes. Spinach in everything, I swear it. ‘Cos we deserve a baby and the universe is gonna give us one, damn it, whatever it takes.”

Lauren smiled, holding the spinach and the little pink box in her hands. “You’re… incredible.”

“Yeah? You like it baby?” I asked, smiling. “I know it’s kinda lame but…”

“No it’s perfect,” she replied, “It’s not lame at all. It’s exactly what I wanted.” She chewed her lip, “Well. I guess I owe you a present now, too, don’t I?” she asked, and she pointed at the tree. “See that flat, square box there, by the window? Get that.”

I got up and got the box and came back, settling beside her. “Can I shake it?” I asked.

“Not too hard,” she replied.

I shook it. It made a light thumping noise, something that filled the box. I looked at her.

“Open it,” she said.

I pulled the ribbon that she’d wrapped put on the box off and stuck it to my forehead, “Look, I’m a present unicorn,” I said. She laughed and shook her head. I turned back to the present, eagerly ripped the paper away to reveal a plain brown cardboard box. I was getting more anxious, and so was she. She fidgeted, watching my fingers as I opened it, and discovered that inside that was something wrapped up in bubble wrap. I unfurled the bubble wrap and found myself staring at a picture frame. It was white ceramic with colored letters that looked like they’d been written in crayon reading I love Daddy. In the frame was a strange blue-grey image that looked like snow on a dark night with one tiny circle of clearness. I looked up at Lauren.

I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t dare to think. I just stared at her.

She reached down and pointed, tapping her fingernail against the glass of the frame, right at the clear spot in the grainy grey. “That right there,” she said. “That’s your baby.”

I felt tears rush my eyeballs from the back. There was no stopping them. I held my breath and my face got hot. I looked up at her. “We’re gonna have a baby?”

“We’re gonna have a baby,” she nodded.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“This… this is inside you?” I ran my fingers over the framed picture.

Lauren nodded. “The pregnancy test was positive. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to get your hopes up until I knew for sure. The doctor did an ultrasound and I’m five weeks.”

I put my hand over my mouth, staring at the picture, tears pouring down my face. I couldn’t believe it. “We made that,” I said, “You and me.”

Lauren laughed, “Yeah. We did.” She snuggled up to me and stared down at the picture, too. “We’re pretty bad ass.”

“Yes we are,” I replied. I wiped my eyes with my hand, still staring at the picture which laid in my lap, and wrapped my arm around her.

She ran her fingers over the picture.

“You think it’s a boy or a girl?” I asked.

“It’s too soon to tell,” she replied.

“It looks like a boy,” I answered.

She laughed. “Yeah? The little circle on the picture looks like a boy to you?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “It just feels like a boy.” I put my hand on her stomach. “Will it kick me?”

“It doesn’t have legs yet,” she laughed.

“How long ‘til it can kick?”

“I dunno. Maybe we should get a pregnancy book.”

“Yes,” I answered, “Yes I wanna know when he’s gonna start kickin’.”

Lauren laughed, “It could be a girl, you know.”

“That’s okay, too, but… I’m tellin’ ya, it feels like a boy to me.”

She leaned up and kissed my chin.

“I’m gonna love it no matter what, though,” I said. Then I thought of something, “I guess this makes my present kinda pointless.”

She laughed, “It’s okay; now you don’t have to eat spinach everyday for the rest of your days.”

“Thank God.”