It never gets any easier.
I sometimes feel like he isn't really gone and he is playing a joke on us, like he will pop out from a corner and laugh at us.
He never does.
The first meeting after Kevin was gone was the hardest for me because I'd looked up to him for so long, we'd all looked to him as a leader. Now it was just the four of us, the four of us with no real inclination of where we were headed now. We were four souls lost at sea without our captain. It blows.
"I say we look into some unknown producers and writers." Howie suggested. I kept looking at the door, feeling hopeful.
"Jay? He's not coming."
I scowled at Brian and went back to half listening to the conversation, listening to the fellas drone on about producers and writers. I finally excused myself to have a cigarette. I fumbled in my pocket for a lighter until I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"You okay?"
It was Nick who offered me a lighter. I was a little suprised because the kid said he quit that shit a while back, but he carried a lighter.
"It's not going to bite you, you know."
I took the lighter and lit my cigarette, puffing.
"Did Brian send you out here?" I asked. He pulled one out too and lit it. Nick smoked on occasion but I'd never actually seen him do it. He'd always sneak away and not let anyone see him, as if he were still a kid and didn't want to get grounded. At least that's what I told him.
"No. I figured you needed some company." he said, taking a long drag and coughing. I smiled at him.
"Not really,"
"I miss him too. "
I smiled again. I knew Kevin leaving had affected him just as much as me. It felt so weird in that room without him, planning an album. It didn't feel right.
"Are we doing the right thing?" Nick asked finally. I just watched him and didn't say anything, waiting to see if he'd say more. Nick wasn't one to just open up. Especially not to me.
"It just feels fucking weird without him."
Nick blew some smoke into the air and didn't say anything, just blinked thoughtfully. We stood there in silence for a minute.
"Do you think he'll ever come back like he said he would? Or is he really gone?" I asked. If anyone knew how I felt right now, it would be the man standing next to me. It was crazy how much the kid had grown up. Kevin was like a father to both of us, and now he was gone. Just like my real dad....but that's a story for another day. Kevin abandoned us. He gave us his blessing to continue the group, but it felt weird. Really weird. Nick didn't answer my question, he just shrugged.
"Maybe we should just forget the album. It doesn't feel right."
"He's the one who left, why should we care? If he cared he would have stayed." Nick said finally. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and kicked at the ground. As sucky as it was, it was kind of comforting to know he felt the same as I did. Nick and I were very much alike and it kind of scared me sometimes.
"Maybe if we went and talked to Kevin he'd change his mind about leaving. We could do it together." I told him. Nick didn't say anything.
He hadn't taken it well when Kevin told us, he'd walked out of the room and slammed the door, Brian had to go after him. When he finally came back he just sat there as Kevin told us he just needed to be normal for a while. He didn't feel inspired. I felt he would use that word a lot when asked why he left later on.
"Talking to Kevin won't bring him back. We just need to keep going. We should do it for the fans." Nick said.
"You think so? What if we fail?" This was another fear that I had, that this new album would tank because we didn't have Kevin anymore.
"I'm scared too but we won't know unless we try."
He smiled at me and we began heading inside.
"When did you get so wise?" I asked.
"Sometimes things just hit yo-" before he could finish answering me, he was hit with the door and Brian was apologizing over and over while Howie went to get some ice. I just stood there and laughed. Brian had come out to see where we went and it was all pretty bad timing for Nick's face. I couldn't help but laugh and laugh. It made me feel better and reminded me that we were still family even though our 'dad' was gone, and maybe....just maybe we would be okay after all.
All we had to do was just try.
Story Notes:
So... I had started writing this months and months ago. Finally got my muse back long enough to finish it. So we can say I am posting this in honor of AJ's birthday being today.
This is also my first time writing AJ in first person as well as my "return" to Fanfic. Please let me know what you think. Reviews are what motivate me, as silly as that sounds. Thanks :)
This is also my first time writing AJ in first person as well as my "return" to Fanfic. Please let me know what you think. Reviews are what motivate me, as silly as that sounds. Thanks :)
