There was a brief sliver of time in April 1996, when we were on a break from three straight months of touring that we got to go home. We’d spent Christmas together in a strange hotel room in Lingen, Germany, were just finishing up the album in a Swedish recording studio and the official European album launch was just around the corner. We’d barely been home in the last year and management took pity on us, knowing that we wouldn’t be seeing American soil for a while once we resumed the second leg of our European tour.
Marki’s parents took her out of school for a week, knowing she would be insufferable if I was home and she wasn’t able to see me. She flew out on her own and we spent every moment we could together. Our relationship wasn’t just about sex, though we did have plenty of it, there was a level of intimacy between us that I have never experienced with anyone else to this day.
So many of our conversations were unspoken. We communicated through a series of glances, touches and kisses because neither of us was very good with words. It was nearly impossible to find alone time during that break but we’d managed to set up a makeshift love nest in my siblings’ tree house and my parents didn’t suspect a thing.
Being away from her, all the way over in Europe, with an impossible to manage time difference, made me briefly consider whether we should call the whole thing off. I vividly remember what changed my mind, though. She was laying in that tree house, her body covered by only a Rainbow Brite top-sheet that I grabbed from the closet. Her hair was mussed, the knots in the back a tell-tale sign of our afternoon delight, and she was smiling at me.
I’m sure I was telling her everything I needed to say through my return grin but something pushed me that day, as if I was chastising myself for even considering ending our perfect relationship, and for the first time I put into words what my eyes had told her so many times before.
“I love you.”
Her smile grew and she reached out to cup my jaw in her hand, rubbing her thumb gently across my cheek.
“I mean it,” I stressed, taking her hand in mind. “I will never love anyone the way I love you. You’re the greatest part of me.”
“You’ve been listening to your own music a bit too much.”
I frowned, obviously disappointed in her response to my declaration of undying love.
“Nicky,” she spoke empathetically in an attempt to sooth my bruised ego. “We're 16 and you’re basically famous. You’re gonna go back to Europe and forget all about me, superstar.”
“I won’t! It’s you and me baby, all the way.”
She smiled and this time I knew I’d won her over a bit. After a brief kiss, she spoke words that continue to haunt me to this day.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
As it turns out, keeping promises is a skill that I have lost over time. It’s as though I had to exchange sticking to my word for being a ‘world famous’ celebrity. It was one or the other.
About six weeks after I went back to Europe, I returned to the hotel room I was sharing with AJ to discover that I had dozens of messages at the front desk from Marki. I panicked, thinking that something had happened to her family as it had been a couple of weeks since we’d last spoken and her parents were practically an aunt and uncle to me. As soon as I got the chance, I returned the call, expecting the absolute worst.
Instead of an ominous report of a heart attack, cancer or sudden car wreck like I’d set myself up for, Marki told me something that permanently changed my life.
“I’m pregnant.”
“What do you mean?” I asked dumbly.
“Like…I’m pregnant. I’m going to have a baby. Your baby. Our baby.”
“But, that’s not possible. I pulled out. Every time.”
“Someone at school told me that doesn’t actually work.”
“AJ told me it always works!” I whined, while simultaneously sticking the corner of my thumbnail between my front teeth for a nervous chew.
“I think we have strong evidence that will prove him wrong. Nick, what are we going to do?”
I paused for so long she thought I’d hung up and started calling my name until I made a noise to acknowledge her.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted while wondering silently why that answer was suddenly my responsibility.
“I won't get rid of it,” she told me firmly. For a brief moment I wished that she wasn’t such a good Christian girl from a good southern family.
“Have you told your parents yet?” I asked, but she quickly confirmed that I was the first and only person who knew anything, other than the cashier at the pharmacy who sold her the pregnancy tests. It was a matter of weeks before Marki and her parents would be heading to Florida for Memorial Day weekend but although the timing would be perfect for an announcement with all the parents in the room, there was no way I could be there given my schedule. I had that weekend off but last I heard it was just a matter of time before that time would be booked.
I was overwhelmed and the thought of what this could mean for my future was making me nauseous. In that moment I thought for sure there would be a vote and the other guys would kick me out of the band so I could go take care of my responsibilities at home. Biting back the bile, I did the only thing I could think to do - lie through my teeth.
“Hey Marki, I’m really sorry but I gotta go. AJ just came in and they need me right away. I’ll call you back later and we’ll figure this out.”
“Okay,” she sighed but before she could say anything word, I disconnected the call.
Not wanting AJ to catch me when he actually returned, I forced myself out of the hotel room, fighting back tears. Lucky for me, I stumbled upon a deserted hotel gym. I made it as far as the first bench before I collapsed down onto it and the waterworks commenced.
