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“Remember that thing you and I talked about a while back?”

I finished scrawling my name across the top of an 8x10 photo, just above my image, before I sent it down the line. It took a second to register the fact that Kevin was speaking to me but when the next photo didn’t make it to my hand I finally glanced up to see him waiting expectantly for an answer.

“What thing?”

“That problem you were having, that we talked about in the gym.”

“What about it?”

“What ever happened with that? You never followed up.”

There’s a reason for that, I thought to myself before reaching to take the photo out of his hand. I continued silently signing my name and sending it down the line while considering my options for a safe escape from the conversation. There didn’t seem to be a way out without trapping myself in an impossible lie so I went in head first.

“It didn’t really get resolved the way we had discussed.”

“What are you guys talking about?” Brian asked from the seat next to me. “You’re speaking in strangely formal code.”

“Nothing,” Kevin dismissed him. “Nick had me write him up a strength training program but I never see him in the gym so I figured he hadn’t bothered to follow through.”

It was just like Kevin to come up with a lie on the spot that made him look like the good guy and me look like the lazy piece of shit. Some things never change. I continued doing my job, like I wished Kevin would also do, but I could still feel him staring at me, waiting for the conversation to continue.

“It’s complicated,” I said.

“What’s complicated about having a plan and executing it?”

“Because...there were other people in the gym. They were using the equipment so I wasn’t able to follow the plan the way you had it written out. Plus, you’re not considering that in some gyms I’m not old enough to workout by myself and I need adult supervision. My Dad is here because he didn’t want me to go to the gym, okay?”

Brian laughed loudly, still listening in on our conversation. “Your Dad doesn’t want you to go to the gym? That’s the lamest excuse I’ve ever heard, man.”

“Yeah Nick,” Howie agreed. “Put down the Gameboy and go to the damn gym already. They don’t card you, it’s just a sign on the wall that says you need an adult. Just don’t break anything.”

“Fuck you guys!” I said in frustration. “Kevin gave me a plan that was way too fucking hard, okay?”

Brian’s eyes went wide at my outburst, “Sheesh, okay you big baby. Calm down.”

I snatched the next photo out of Kevin’s hand with a snap, leaving a permanent dent where his thumb had been. “Thanks a lot,” I muttered.

“We’ll talk later,” he told me in a tone I recognized as his attempt at being a figure of authority in my life.

“It has nothing to do with you, just let it go,” I said pleadingly, utilizing my own skills in the eye of puppy dog eyes.

“We’ll talk later.”

To hear Kevin describe it later that night, I single-handedly held the pistol that would kill any chance we had of making it big in the states. He gave me a laundry list of reasons that we were ruined, everything from the fact that there was a marriage licence with my name on it, to the potential that Marki, her parents or even staff at the hospital who would eventually deliver our child might say something and it would get out. He was so certain that this spelled certain doom for us yet he still wanted to fill management in so they could do damage control if it got to that point.

I staunchly resisted that recommendation if only because the fewer people were aware that the situation even existed, the better. I had no plans to tell anyone else unless it was absolutely necessary and I was going to do my best to ensure that no one else said anything. No one was scouring the Hillsborough County marriage records looking for my name because it was a little far-fetched.

“This is the last time we ever have this conversation,” I told Kevin confidently. “If there’s something you need to know then I’ll tell you. Otherwise, we can’t have anymore random discussions about the gym in front of the other guys or you will end up being the one that let’s the cat out of the bag. This isn’t going away for me, but I think it needs to for you.”

~~


I’d never been disappointed on Christmas morning before that year. It’s surprising if only because I rarely, if ever, got what I wanted or what I had asked Santa for but I didn’t know any better so I would always be excited about what I did get. My parents could have wrapped up a couple sticks and rocks when I was little and I would have thought it was the coolest gift ever. What I didn’t think was cool, was unwrapping gift after gift in front of my brother and sisters full of baby crap. I didn’t ask for onesies and soothers and gift cards to Toys ‘R’ Us, I asked for videogames and a new Buccaneers jersey and CDs and for the first time in my whole life I knew they could afford to get me those things because I was the one making all the money.

It was like they went out of their way to embarrass me and I hated everyone that day. I was heading up to Tennessee after Christmas dinner to spend three days with Marki before heading to Quebec to restart the tour. It would be the last time I would have a chance to see her before her due date in early January and as much as I dreaded the awkwardness of being alone with her and her parents, I knew it would be better than my house. As soon as the dishes were cleared from the table I grabbed my bags for tour, filled another bag full of my offensive Christmas gifts and headed to the airport.

“Can you help me up?” Marki asked the second I walked into her parent’s living room, stretching her hands out so I could pull her off the couch and into a hug. I tried not to show it but I was in shock over how much bigger she’d gotten since I’d last seen her. It felt real before but now it felt imminent.

“I missed you,” she said quietly against my shoulder and although I returned the sentiment wholeheartedly, I kept it to myself. She had been part of my life for so long that it was impossible to not notice her absence, even though it was me that was avoiding her. “I’m so bored without you around.”

“Ok, you stayed up long enough waiting for him to get here,” her mother interrupted, entering the room with her arms full of blankets and a pillow. “Let me get the couch set up for Nick so you can get some sleep.”

“He can sleep in my room,” Marki protested and I raised my eyebrows, wondering what exactly she was expecting to happen given that she had an oversized watermelon sticking straight out the front of her body.

Her mother laughed at the notion but Marki persisted, “We are married. Married couples sleep in the same bed, right? That’s why you guys forced us to get married in the first place, so our child would be legitimate, so our relationship would be honest. Plus, it’s not like he’s going to get me pregnant. It’s a little late for that.”

She had an undeniable point that not even her mother could refute. Once she went on to explain that we needed the time alone in order to talk about the future because the time we had before the future became the present was quickly running out, I was moving my bags upstairs and helping her into bed.

“Are you comfortable?” I asked, fluffing the pillow behind her head one more time to be sure.

“Yes, I’m fine,” she smiled. “I’m sorry. This probably isn’t how you imagined us spending our first night in an actual bed together as a couple.”

I smirked, “I had imagined it slightly different. It’s okay though, I’m the one who should be sorry. You were right last time, I have been an asshole.”

“You were right too, though!” she said.

I slipped into the bed next to her, trying to take up as little space as possible but it was a double bed and she was nearly double wide so I settled on laying on my side, leaning on one elbow before motioning for her to continue.

“You told me that you and I would never be the same,” she reminded me. “It took me a while to realize that we weren’t going to ever go back to those days in the treehouse. All of a sudden it’s like we’re grown ups. We’re married and you’ve got a big career and we’re having a baby and we can’t stay the same through all that.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, happy that she managed to eloquently put into words everything I had been wanting to say but couldn’t. “I love you, truly. There isn’t another person in the world I would rather go through all this shit with than you. You’re going to be a really great mom in spite of all this and I’m gonna try my hardest to make sure you have everything you need, but you gotta understand, Backstreet is…”

Marki interrupted me with a flick of her hand, “I get it. You have more responsibilities than just me.”

We chatted a bit more about less emotional topics like how the tour was going and what soap operas she’d gotten addicted to during her time at home before going to sleep. A few hours later, I slowly woke up to realize that Marki was saying my name over and over in an alarmingly frightened voice.

“What’s wrong, are you okay?” I asked in a panic. “Are you having the baby?”

“No,” she answered, but her voice was trembling as though she’d been crying. “I feel weird.”

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know, just weird. I woke up because I just felt strange, like something wasn’t right and then I realized that I haven’t felt the snakes.”

I reached over and flicked on the lamp, taking a look at her in the light. Her face was flushed and puffy from crying and she was holding her hands protectively over her stomach.

“I can’t remember,” she sobbed. “I can’t remember the last time I felt the baby move at all. Maybe this afternoon, or around dinner time but I’m not sure.”

I said nothing but reached out and put my hand below hers, closing my eyes as if that would somehow make my sense of touch stronger for a moment. I remembered the wiggling and kicking I’d felt before only this time I just felt her cotton nightshirt against her belly.

“Maybe it’s sleeping?” I suggested, not knowing what else to say. “Babies have to sleep, right?”

“Yeah, but it usually sleeps during the day and keeps me up all night. I just have a really bad feeling, Nick.”

“Okay, okay,” I said in a futile attempt to calm her nerves. “I’ll go wake your parents up and we’ll go to the hospital, okay?”

She nodded and I grabbed her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”