Chapter Fourteen
Nick
In the airport terminal, I turned to tell Brian something funny I thought of and then I remembered he wasn’t there.
On the plane, I kept my iPad out for the ride and once we were in the air, I turned it on, opened the email and downloaded the contract from Jen. I scrolled to the bottom without even reading it and signed it with my fingertip on the touch screen, then sent it back to her without a second thought. If Brian wanted to leave then he should just go and stop hanging around holding the rest of us back, I thought. Or told myself to think because I wasn’t really thinking that. It was just my stubbornness thinking it. I felt rebellious and bad ass sending off the response to Brian’s departure with such a cavalier attitude like I didn’t give a fuck.
Because you don’t give a fuck, I told myself.
But I did give a fuck.
I stared out the window as the earth got smaller and further away. It occurred to me as I stared out at the place I’d just been, that would forever be the place where I heard Brian was quitting the band, that there was more than just miles that was between me and Brian now.
My iPad blinked an error message at me. I was on airplane mode, so it couldn’t send the document to Jen and the contract had defaulted to my drafts folder. Whatever, I thought, I’ll just send it when we land. I shoved the iPad into the pouch on the back of the chair in front of me and I grabbed my headphones and put on some music and turned it up as loud as my ear drums could stand.
When we got to London, Mike nudged me awake. We walked through Heathrow mostly anonymous. None of the fans had a clue I’d be getting there today, so we weren’t attracting as much attention as we normally would’ve. I grabbed my bags and Mike led the way out to the curb where he got a taxi to bring us to the hotel downtown. We checked into a room and despite the fact that Mike thought we should share, I insisted on getting our own because I just wanted to be alone and I didn’t wanna get tricked into sharing with Brian when he got there the next day. I’d done the last of my sharing with Brian.
Once the door closed and I was completely alone, I turned the deadbolt and laid down on the bed, my phone on the mattress beside me and closed my eyes.
My phone vibed and I rolled onto my stomach to look at it. It was Lauren. “Hey,” I answered quietly. I put her on speakerphone so I didn’t have to actually hold the phone up to my ear.
“Nick, honey, I’m sorry. I just talked to Rochelle and she told me what’s going on. Are you okay?” Her voice was full of worry.
The moment I heard it I couldn’t hold it back anymore as the emotion welled up in my chest. “No,” I croaked.
“Aww, baby…”
I curled my knees to my chest and gasped in oxygen as hot tears slid across my cheeks. “Fuck,” I moaned.
“Did he tell you why he was leaving?” Lauren asked gently.
“No,” I cried, “No. He didn’t tell me at all. I found out on - on TV… on the show… the… the host… he asked me… that’s the first I heard about it and then I got the contract from Jen… in an email… Brian never said nothin’...”
Lauren sighed. “Ohhh,” she breathed. Just the sound of her on the other end of the phone was soothing. Just being connected to her made me feel less alone. “Honey, I’m sorry.”
“I just… I feel like shit ‘cos… we were… I thought we were friends again and then… then he just… He told me we weren’t gonna keep no more secrets.” I rocked myself a little on the mattress. I wished more than anything that Lauren was actually there. I wanted it so bad I could almost feel her hand rubbing my back. I couldn’t breathe. I sucked in a couple rapid breaths that sounded like I was choking on sobs or something. I sounded like a seal.
“Baby… you gotta breathe… It’s gonna be okay,” she said thickly.
“I can’t help it, Boose, he was my first really best friend and --” I shook my head, tears were literally making the pillow under my head wet. “I can’t picture --” I closed my eyes.
“What can’t you picture, honey?” she asked.
I hugged the pillow under my chin and moved so I was looking down at her picture, like I was looking at her real face. “I can’t picture him not being around. Even when we were fighting at least he was there. I feel like he’s really, really giving up on me.”
Lauren was quiet a moment, letting that all process, then she asked, “Is he giving up on you or is he giving up on himself?”
“I dunno.”
“Which bothers you more?”
“I don’t want him to give up on me,” I said selfishly. But even as I said it, I knew I was more scared that if Brian quit the band he’d stop trying to save his voice. He’d give up, let it go to shit, and he’d get a job at like a school teaching music or like little kid basketball or something. He’d be mediocre and I wanted better than that for him because whether I was his best friend or not he was still my best friend. “I don’t want him to give up on himself,” I admitted.
Lauren said, “Maybe he doesn’t wanna give up on you or on himself, either. Maybe that’s why he didn’t tell you.”
I shook my head, “He had the contract written up, Lo. This has been coming for a long time. This isn’t some jump decision. He had time to tell me, he had tons of chances, and he just didn’t. It’s like he wanted it to hurt. Maybe he did. I’ve been a dick. Maybe this is him repaying me for being a dick. Am I a dick?”
She sighed. “You’re not a dick.”
“I am though.”
“Nick, you’re not a dick.”
“Can’t you please, please come to London?” I pleaded, “I need you.”
Lauren’s voice was soft, “I can’t, Nick, I’ve got things going on here I need to be here for now.”
“You were gonna come originally, just tell everyone to hold up,” I begged.
“Baby,” she said in that tone that said you know I can’t do that for her.
“It’s like practically an emergency, though,” I whimpered.
“It’s not an emergency,” she said gently. “You just need to talk to him and get this all aired out.”
I sighed.
“Baby, I gotta go, I’ll call you back later to make sure you’re okay, though. Why don’t you get some kind of food that you know I won’t approve of and watch some TV and relax? You’ll feel better. Tonight we’ll get on the computer and play some games or something together on the livelink, okay?”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. I didn’t wanna tell her the disgusting amounts of bacon I’d already eaten on this trip without her approval.
“I love you baby.”
“I love you too,” I said thickly.
When Lauren hung up, I laid there on the bed staring at the sheets until I fell asleep with the tears still dried on my face.
Brian
It was sleeting in Amsterdam.
The gray of the weather reflected my mood.
We were in Amsterdam for such a short period of time that I didn’t even technically have a hotel room there, just a van that was going to cart us around all day. Even my luggage had stayed behind at the airport.
On the way to the radio station, where I was about to do the first of the five interviews that Nick and I had been scheduled for that day, I called Leighanne. She took three rings to answer the phone. “Hey Husband,” she greeted me, her voice cheerful. I could hear the tones of Baylee’s acting rehearsal in the background.
“Hey,” I answered.
“How’s things over there going?” she asked, “Have you and Nick killed each other yet?”
I took a deep breath. “Well… I don’t know if you heard but Jen sent out the contracts for me leaving the band and there was apparently some coverage on like TMZ or something about it. They asked Nick about it on live TV and we had a pretty big fight. He was pretty angry.”
Leighanne was quiet a moment, “You hadn’t told him yet? Brian, you’ve been with him a week, how had you not told him yet?”
“Because I’m a stupid, stupid idiot,” I groaned.
“You aren’t an idiot,” she said with a sigh. Then, “Well. Maybe a little. You should’ve told him the first chance you got.”
“Yeah…”
“At least now you’re almost done and soon you can come home and be with us,” she pointed out. “I know Baylee’s looking forward to you coming home. He’s really excited that you’ll be around more.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. I chewed my lower lip.
“What’s wrong?”
“Well… In the last few days, Nick and I have been working on my therapy exercises together and I feel stronger than I did before. I feel like maybe --” I paused. I knew she didn’t want to hear this, that the selfish side of her wouldn’t want me to finish the thought.
“You’re reconsidering, aren’t you?” she asked.
I swallowed, “I think I am.”
Leighanne sighed, “It’s okay, husband. Like I told you from the start, it’s your choice. I’m not going to make it for you. Nobody can make it for you. Just you.” She paused. “So is Nick still helping you with your therapy?”
“Nick’s in London.”
“Where are you?” she asked slowly.
“Amsterdam.”
Leighanne laughed, “For just a moment I thought maybe you were going to come up behind me just then and surprise me,” she said.
Part of me wished I was there with her. It was where I belonged, really, after all. I wondered if Nick wouldn’t be better off finishing this press run by himself, if he’d rather if I left and went home and didn’t turn back, didn’t second guess my choice to leave. After all, the contracts had been sent out and now all that was left was signing them and making it legal.
Maybe it really was for the best after all.
“Nope… still in Amsterdam.” The car was pulling up to the station and I could see crowds growing thicker the closer we got. “I gotta go, hun,” I told her, “I’m almost to the first interview. I’ll call you later. Love you.” I hung up quickly and put the phone in my pocket, leaning closer to the window to look out.
Drew was staring at me from his seat, I could feel his eyes on me. I glanced back at him. He gave me a weak sort of smile and turned away when I looked.
There were a ton of people outside the radio station. They beat on the outside of the van with their palms and cried as we drove past, the windows too tinted for them to see if it was me or Nick or both of us in there. Girls were holding up signs for Nick and pressing them to the window. I thought about taking a picture of a couple of them and sending it to him but I figured he was probably still too mad to take a text message from me, so I didn’t.
I should’ve expected it but I was still surprised when the first question out of the deejay’s mouth was, “Are you really quitting the Backstreet Boys? Rumors are flying like crazy and some are saying Nick Carter confirmed it yesterday during an interview in Frankfurt?”
I cleared my throat. “I… I don’t know if I am or not,” I answered.
“You don’t know?” the deejay chuckled, “How do you not know?”
I shrugged, “I just don’t.”
Nick
I woke up sore and feeling like shit. I groaned and looked at my phone. AJ had called seven times, left three voicemails, and twelve text messages. “Jesus, McLean,” I grumbled, reaching for the phone and swiping my thumb across the screen to look at what he had to say.
What do you think about all this Brian quitting bullshit?
How are we gonna get him to stay?
Nick
Answer me
Dude we should like sit Brian’s ass down and remind him how fuckin awkward it was when Kevin was gone… I hated that shit. He can’t leave.
When did he tell you by the way?
I’m really pissed off he didn’t tell all of us at the same time.
NICK
NICK
Cmon this has got to be killing you as bad as it’s killing me. help me plot Operation: Keep BRok.
Ro says I need to give you a chance to sleep or whatever and that you’ll answer when you can. So… you better answer when you get this or I’ll fuckin fly to London and beat your damn ass down.
If he does quit…. we’ll keep going right?
I sighed. Of course AJ was freaking the hell out. He did this when Kevin quit, too. He launched extensive plots to keep Kevin from leaving, starting with a refusal to sign the contract until Kevin had personally gone to him and pleaded with him to sign it. I hoped he didn’t stage a coup like that this time. I didn’t think I could handle months of AJ pitching fits over this. I just wanted a quick, clean break. If Brian was gonna go, he needed to just go and not drag this shit out.
That was part of why I went to London instead of Amsterdam with him. Part of me hoped he would decide to just go home instead of coming to London. Part of me hoped I never saw him again.
My throat tightened at that thought. No. No I didn’t wish I’d never see him again, I thought. Just incase the gods of fate and irony and shit were listening. Suddenly I was afraid his plane wouldn’t make it to London, like I’d jinxed him.
My phone vibed.
It was AJ again.
“Jesus Christ,” I groaned into the phone, “You’re like a fuckin’ disease that won’t go away.”
“Sorry Princess,” AJ said, “I can’t handle this shit.” I could tell by the way he was talking that he was standing somewhere, smoking. “What are we gonna do?”
“We aren’t going to do anything,” I told him.
AJ snuffled into the phone. “What do you mean we aren’t gonna do anything? Of course we’re gonna do something. Brian can’t quit. What the fuck would we do without Brian?”
“What would we do?” I asked, “Well, for starters, we’d be able to perform our songs live without his fucking voice breaking.” The words were harsh. They burned my mouth even as I said them and I closed my eyes, angry with myself for having said them. It was that damn temper of mine. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I did need anger management therapy. I was too quick to snap.
“Wow,” AJ said thickly.
“Sorry,” I sighed, “I’m just frustrated.”
“You think?”
I ran my palm over my face. “He didn’t tell me. I found out on live TV, AJ. At least y’all weren’t on TV when you found out.”
“Shit,” he muttered.
“Yeah.”
AJ licked his lips, “I saw the clip. You took it in stride.”
“I dunno how. I don’t even remember what I said. I went out drinking after. I woke up in some fan’s apartment the next morning --”
“You what?”
“I didn’t sleep with her, she just gave me a couch to sleep on. I guess. I dunno. I don’t remember. AJ, I dunno what I’m doing. I just wanna go home. This whole trip has been shit. We’ve constantly been fighting and then this.”
AJ sighed. “I don’t want him to quit the band, man,” he said after a long pause.
“I mean, if he wants to quit, then let him go.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” I answered. “I already sent the contract back to Jen,” I bragged.
AJ was quiet for a long moment. “Wow,” he mumbled.
“He doesn’t wanna be here so let him go.”
“I guess.”
Brian
Every interview went the same way. They all wanted to know if I was leaving and every time I just said I didn’t know. Fans were crying when I walked by, holding up signs asking me not to go. My heart went out to them, but I wondered if they knew how much stronger the Boys would be without me, if they realized what kind of toll this stuff was taking on me. If they knew how angry Nick was with me, maybe they’d understand more.
I rested my head in my hands, doubled over in the backseat of the van on the way back to the airport after a full day of interviews.
Drew’s voice was low, “How long would you stay before you left?” he asked.
“I dunno,” I replied. “I haven’t even decided if I’m leaving yet, haven’t you been listening to me all day?” I demanded hotly.
Drew held his hands up apologetically, “I’m just asking, man. I need to know how quick to find a new client is all.”
The words made me twinge with guilt. Another casualty in my path of destruction I was wrecking.
At the airport, Drew and I separated on the concourse and I went to get dinner. I carried my bag of greasy food back to the gate and settled myself into a chair by the window, staring out at the airplanes as they took off and landed through the cloudy, icy weather. I worried they’d cancel our flight to London as I ate the sandwich and fries I’d bought, but they didn’t and by the time they called for seating, Drew had showed back up and we boarded the flight together.
I stared out the window at the ice clicking off the plane’s wing and closed the window before I could work myself up into a nervous fit.
Just as I was about to turn my phone off, I got a text from AJ.
If you need to leave, I’ll understand… but please make sure it’s what you really want before you sign the contract. I sent mine in. I won’t do to you what I did to Kevin. But know that I wanted to.
I sighed.
I’ll think before I act, I promise, AJ, I texted back.
That’s all I’m askin’ for, he answered.
I clicked the phone into airplane mode and I shoved it into my pocket and leaned back against the seat. I looked over at Drew. “I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier,” I said.
“No worries, man,” Drew answered, “We cool.”
“You sure?”
He nodded. “Absolutely.”
“I feel like I’m just hurting everyone,” I explained. “I just want what’s best. That’s it. That’s all I want.” I shook my head, “I just want everyone to be happy.”
There's Us by Pengi
