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** KEVIN **

“... managed to stop the bleeding ... severe internal injuries ... breathing tube ...”

I could barely concentrate on what the doctor was saying. He was an elderly man, probably close to retirement, and he was speaking in the tone that I usually reserved for trying to convince Mason to take a bath. I knew that the man was doing his job, that he was trying to be comforting, that he was trying to make the situation sound better than it really was, but all I wanted the doctor to do was to tell the truth; no sugar coating. All I really wanted to know was if Brian had a fighting chance.

I had never seen my cousin, or anyone, look so bad. Sure, the nurses had cleaned up the blood and covered his wounded chest with blankets, but nothing could disguise the fact that he looked like he was dying. My mind flashed to my father’s final minutes; even he hadn’t looked the way that Brian did lying in his hospital bed. My dad had been at peace with his fate. He had looked so serene in his final minutes. Even with his eyes closed, Brian looked pained; pale and scared.

“What are the chances that he’s going to wake up?”

AJ asked the question before I could summon the courage to open my mouth. I turned to the doctor, forcing myself to pay attention as the older man let out a long, slow sigh and lowered his clipboard.

“Less than twenty-five percent.” The doctor appeared to be struggling with the admission. “His injuries are substantial ...”

“How much less?” AJ choked on the words as they left his mouth. “I just – I need to know the number.”

“I can’t give you an exact figure.” The doctor was speaking in the toddler voice again. “It doesn’t really work like that.”

AJ nodded, his eyes clouding over as they came to rest on Brian’s motionless form. “Right.”

The doctor left a few minutes later, leaving the four of us standing awkwardly at the foot of Brian’s bed. I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat nearly causing me to choke. I didn’t know what to do, what to think. What if Brian didn’t wake up?

I stepped forward and perched gingerly on the bed next to Brian’s side. I gently took his hand in mine, trying to ignore the fact that his skin felt cold and lifeless. “How ya’ doin’ cuz?”I lightly ran my thumb across Brian’s knuckles as I spoke, pushing myself to continue as if everything was normal. “We’re all here ... waiting for you to wake up.” I bit my lip. “It would be really nice if you could open your eyes for us, just to let us know that you’re okay.”

Even though I wasn’t expecting Brian to open his eyes, I lost it when he didn’t. My shoulders heaved as the tears escaped my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and dripping off of my chin. I didn’t even recognize the sounds that were leaving my body; I had never heard myself – anyone – sound so anguished. My heart felt as if it were breaking into a thousand pieces.

As much as Brian was a part of the Backstreet family, to me he was more; he was my blood. I had brought him into the group. I had given his name to Lou. I had presented Brian as being a better choice than Charles. It was only after Lou had heard Brian sing over the phone that he had told Charles that he was out of the group. So, even though Charles blamed Brian for the fact that he had been replaced, it was actually my fault. I was the reason why my cousin might not live to see his son grow up. I was responsible for everything that had happened. My stomach surged with the realization as Howie gingerly laid his hand on my shoulder. I felt as though I was going to be sick.

** AJ **

“Kev, let’s go in the hallway for a minute; take a little break.” Howie gently urged Kevin to his feet. “You look like you’re going to pass out.”

I watched numbly as Howie guided a still sobbing Kevin into the hallway. The situation was surreal. I had been expecting the doctor to announce that Brian was going to make a full recovery; to hand us a fairytale ending. I still hadn’t fully absorbed the fact that the doctor had delivered bad news. I was still waiting for Brian to spring out of bed and yell ‘gotcha’ in his stupid southern accent. I was still waiting for him to be okay.

The door clicked softly into position, leaving Nick and I alone at the foot of Brian’s bed. My legs went weak as I looked into Nick’s crumpled face. This was real.

“Nick, do you mind – do you mind if I talk to Brian for a minute?” My face was hot with tears. “There’s just some stuff that I want him to know.”

“Sure, J.” The voice that left Nick’s mouth wasn’t his. It was too strangled, too forced. “I’ll go check on Kevin.”

I waited a full minute after Nick left before dropping down next to Brian on the bed. Like Kevin, I took one of Brian’s hands in my own; twisting our fingers together until my knuckles turned white from the effort. I took a ragged breath as I looked down into Brian’s still, sombre face. There was so much that I wanted to say and I had absolutely no idea where to start.

“Bri ...” I trailed off, fighting to get the words out through the tears that were still streaming down my face. “I don’t want you to leave me. I, honestly, have no idea what I’m going to do if you’re not around. I know that you are Nick are, well, you and Nick again, but you’re still my best friend. You’ve helped me through so much ...” I paused again, squeezing Brian’s hand even tighter between my fingers. “I know that you’ve always wanted to keep the depth of our friendship kinda quiet ... I guess you thought that my behaviour would bring you down ... make people think less of you or something.” I was rambling now, the words tumbling out of my mouth between my sobs. I really had no idea what I was trying to say. “If I could take your place right now, I would. You don’t deserve to be the one who gets their life cut short. You should be around for Baylee, for Leighanne ... for me. You know how the fans call us ‘A-Rok, right? Well, what am I gonna be without you, Rok? Just A; I am Mr. A ...”

“AJ?” Nick’s voice drifted softly from the door. “Do you need more time?”

I looked down at my fingers that were still intertwined with Brian’s. I didn’t need more time, but Brian did. I was terrified to lose him; terrified of what I would become if he wasn’t around to keep me in check. It may have been Kevin who busted down my door all those years ago, but it was Brian who had helped to keep me grounded ever since. As much as the fans thought they knew just how special our relationship was, they didn’t even know the half of it. Although the two of us would never be ‘Frick and Frack’, Brain was like my other half. Even Rochelle knew that Brian occupied a special place in my heart that she would never be able to infiltrate. If Brian died then a part of me would die as well, and I wasn’t quite sure if I would be able to live without that part of me.

“Nah, Nick.” I shook my head gently and gave Brian’s hand one final squeeze. “I’ve said what I need to say.” I repositioned Brian’s hand on the side of the bed and swiped uselessly at my wet face. “I love you, B. If you don’t remember anything else, just make sure that you remember that.”

“Kevin and Howie are waiting outside.” Nick shuffled forward, his eyes drifting to Brian’s motionless body. “I don’t know why I came back in. I don’t know if I can talk to him ...”

I stood up from the bed and moved towards Nick. “You gotta say goodbye to him, Nick. If you don’t, you’ll regret it.”

“Stay with me?” Nick pleaded, his eyes locking with mine. “I need you, J. I can’t – I can’t do this alone.”

I pulled my eyes away from Nick’s, knowing that I would give in if I continued to stare into his face. “I’ll be right outside. This is something that you have to do on your own.”

** NICK **

Stupid AJ. I swiped angrily at the tears that had started to fall once again. All he had to do was sit in the room with me. Why couldn’t he have done that?

I slowly lowered myself onto the bed next to Brian. The mattress groaned under my weight, and I cringed; needlessly worried that the noise would wake him up. When Brian didn’t move, I let my breath out in a long, unsteady sob. I reached out and slowly brushed a wayward piece of hair off of Brian’s forehead as I summoned the courage to start talking. AJ had told me that I would have to say ‘goodbye’, but I didn’t know if I was going to be able to actually say the words.

“You can’t die, Frick.” My chest felt tight. “There’s still so much that I need – that you need to do. I know that I fucked everything up for us. I really wish that I hadn’t ... I missed you so much ...” I was sobbing hysterically now, hiccupping in the middle of my words. “You told me yourself that there was stuff that you still wanted to do, stuff that you wanted to change. If you don’t wake up, then you’re never going to have that chance. I just want you to know that I’ll always keep your secrets; all of them – even the ones from when we were kids. You mean everything to me ...” I let out a gut-wrenching sob and forced myself to continue. “I love you more than anyone else in the world ... even Lauren ... as terrible as that sounds, it’s true. Please don’t leave me, Brian, please. I love you so much ...” I broke down completely at that point; unable to continue.

I was practically hyperventilating by the time AJ came back into the room to check on me. I had my head on Brian’s chest, the steady beeping of the monitors keeping me company as I cried shamelessly into the blankets that covered my best friend’s practically lifeless body.

“Nick ... Nick, shit ...” AJ walked over and gently placed his hands on my shoulders and tried to urge me into a sitting position. “I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

“He can’t die, AJ.” I refused to lift my head from Brian’s chest. The steady rise and fall of his chest was comforting, even if it was the result of the machines and not his own efforts. “I can’t lose him again. I can’t lose him forever!”

“I know, Nick.” AJ whispered. “I know.”

Reluctantly, I raised my head in order to meet AJ’s eyes. They were wet with tears; his face was puffy and blotchy from crying. He didn’t look at all like his usual care-free self. I got shakily to my feet and practically threw myself into AJ’s waiting arms. He gripped my back like his life depended on it; much the way that Brian had after I had broken up his night with Ashley.

“We’re going to get through this.” Despite his strong words, AJ didn’t sound confident. “Brian is going to make it.”

“What if he doesn’t?” I hiccupped into AJ’s shoulder, still clinging to him with all my strength. “I don’t know if I can live without him. I tried to do it before and it – it didn’t work.”

AJ stayed silent and tightened his grip. I knew that his silence meant that he agreed with me. It was no secret that AJ had always leaned heavily on Brian. Without Brian, AJ and I would be in the same position; lost.

** HOWIE **

Nick and AJ were clinging to each other so tightly that I was pretty sure that they were each holding the other one up. I didn’t know what to do as I looked to Kevin for guidance. There had been a time when I could have gone and over and easily comforted both Nick and AJ, but I was pretty sure that neither one of them wanted anything to do with me at the moment.

My gaze wandered to Brian’s stiff and silent frame. I was seriously beginning to regret the way that I had acted. He looked so weak and vulnerable as the machines worked to keep him stable that I couldn’t help the tears that welled in my eyes. As much as I resented Brian for what he had taken from me, I didn’t want to lose him. He was my brother.

“Guys ...” Kevin’s voice was strained. “We gotta try and get it together.”

“Why?” Nick pulled his face away from AJ’s shoulder and glared at Kevin. “What good is it going to do?”

I averted my eyes from Nick’s distraught face and cautiously took a step towards Brian’s bed. I suddenly had the overwhelming need to explain myself. I had to let Brian know that I loved him; that I only came down so hard on him because I had been feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t control how Nick felt, but I could control what my – maybe – final words would be to Brian.

“Hey, B.” I slowly lowered myself onto the bed, well aware of the fact that the others were all watching and waiting to hear what it was that I had to say. “I’ve been a massive jerk ...” I swiped quickly at the tears that were now trickling down my face. “I didn’t mean to be so horrible to you ... I hope you know that. You’re my little brother, and we’ve always had our differences, but I can’t imagine my life without you.”

I stopped to collect myself, taking a deep breath as my tears began to fall even faster. How could I have been so petty? How could I have treated Brian like he didn’t matter? He did matter. He mattered more to me then he would probably ever know. I reached out and took Brian’s hand in my own, forcing myself to continue.

“Bri, I’m – I’m so sorry ...” I paused as Brian’s hand twitched around my fingers. I almost choked on my excitement as I felt the movement again. “Brian?!” I leapt up from the bed; my fingers still firmly locked around Brian’s.

“What happened?” Kevin was on top of me so fast that I thought that he was actually on the verge of shoving me out of the way. “What’s wrong?”

“He moved!” I shouted. “He – He moved his fingers!”