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“Are you kidding me? I can’t throw that flat ball that far!” I mutter as I weigh the soft basketball in my hands. Dents appear where my fingers have been.

“Why not?” Nick exclaims, almost offended at my words. “I’ve seen you do it!”

I pull a face as I jump and throw the ball with practiced ease. A dim sense of triumph bubbles up as I watch it land exactly where I had intended it to. In the past, I would have bragged about it to no end. Did you see that shot? Did you see it? Wasn’t that the most awesome shot you’ve ever seen? And with a flat ball!

Now I could only shrug and walk to the exit of the basketball court. Nick’s howling sounds of approval would have to suffice as a replacement for my absent enthusiasm.

“That’s insane!” he cries, as if he’d never seen anyone score a point before. He looks at me with a big grin and sparkling eyes. I offer him a smile before turning and stuffing my hands in my pockets. In the past, we would have talked about the flat ball and the score for some more time, annoying the hell out everybody around us. Now; it didn’t mean a thing.

I dig my hands a bit further into my pockets until I can feel my jeans slipping down. They are becoming too big. Strange; they are still fairly new. Without looking back at the camera, I trudge out of the familiar gym court. I have good memories here and had fully welcomed them as they came crashing back into me when I set foot on the grounds of Tates Creek High School. Although some things have changed in setting and colors, the building was still pretty much the same. My heart surges when I walk through the empty halls, past the locker of my junior year.

I am not sure who’d come up with the idea of visiting our hometowns and essentially our childhoods, but the impact is uncanny. I remember AJ scoffing when the idea was mentioned, heard him mumbling, “Cheesy,” but saw the glistening in his eyes betraying that he secretly loved the idea just as much. I stop in front of my old locker with a reminiscent look on my face. I hear the other guys still in the gym and smile. How can four guys make more noise than an entire high school basketball team? They surely have forgotten that I was supposed to be there. I sigh and turn slowly as I lean against the lockers; the thought of them forgetting about me so easily stings beyond anything. I lean my head against the repainted red metal and try to relax.

I remember smashing the locker closed with disgusted anger when I was sixteen and found out they didn’t elect me for the basketball team because I was too short. While that was true, it didn’t mean I couldn’t be part of the team, surely. I was agile and fast and was able to win games against the kids in my neighborhood who were taller than me. I had tried to explain that, but the coach had just smiled the whole time and asked how I was going to defend anybody when I was five foot six. Not everybody can be in the team, no matter how much they want to, Brian. We have to make an election of the players that fit in best. I remember coming home that afternoon with an expression that predicted thunder. I had smashed the front door closed not much unlike I had smashed the locker. I rushed passed my mother without any type of explanation and tramped upstairs to my room, where I put on the loudest rock music casette tape that I stole from my brother and stayed like that for the rest of the day. I bitterly vowed that the basketball could go to hell for all I cared. They didn’t want me? Fine. I would just focus on something else then. People seemed to like my singing voice, so maybe I could go and do something with that? Maybe a choir director at church or in school? I didn’t need that stupid basketball team.

They didn’t need me either. The team won that year with flying colors.

I wince inwardly at the memory of rejection. The noise from the basketball court has died down. I realize that I was supposed to function as a guide this afternoon, but figure they’ll find their way out. Kevin knows the way too after all. I wonder if he ever had any rejection in his high school days. Mister Quarterback with the numerous pretty girlfriends that was the star of every school play. If it wasn’t for superhero Kevin, I would have never gone to Florida on a whim in an overcrowded airplane. If Kevin the Perfect hadn’t thought of his little cousin Brian back in Kentucky that fateful day, I would probably be a quirky music teacher in a midlife crisis, who made lame jokes all the time and has never seen the outside of Kentucky.

Instead, I am a quirky popstar in a midlife crisis, that makes lame jokes all the time, who has seen most of everything there is to see in this world.

Bravo.

I guess I should be more appreciative. I still not fully understand why Kevin had suddenly thought of me to be in that band. It was not like we were particularly close and we only saw each other on family gatherings, basically. We only knew each other superficially and he hadn’t really heard me sing outside of the jovial family outings, where basically everybody sang. I remember almost all details of that phone call in the principal’s office. I remember the awkward way I stood there, holding the phone with quivering hands. At that time, I had no idea why Kevin was calling. Had something terrible happened? Was everybody dead? Then why was Kevin the one calling of all people? My thoughts had run a mile a minute when I answered that call.

“Hello?”

“Hey Brian, what’s up?”

“Kevin? What are you calling me at school for?” I had stammered incredulously, trying to avoid eye contact with the principal, who was grinning at me for no apparent reason. I wondered what Kevin had told her in that sweet convincing voice of his.

“Okay, so I’m in this band, and they’re looking for another member to... you know, to get started. And I thought of you!” Kevin had said in a loud, revealing tone of voice. My mouth had dropped open and I was able to read the clear sense of amusement on the principal’s face. She most likely knew everything.

“M-me?” I had croaked in shock.
“Oh, you’ll fit right in!” Kevin had happily proclaimed, “You’re the perfect age and I told them about your voice! There’s these three other guys, and they’re amazing singers as well! It’ll be great, Brian!‘’

“My parents are going to have a fit,” I muttered.

“Oh no no, I already asked them, they’re totally on board!” Kevin explained. His voice had gotten higher and higher in pitch as the conversation continued, “You can audition over the phone tonight, if you want. Lou -he’s our manager- booked a flight for tomorrow so you can come meet us.”

I remember staying quiet for a while. It had been a lot to take in for a seemingly normal Thursday afternoon. I glanced at the principal, and she just smiled back at me. If I’d had to guess, the school was on board as well. It was strange how everyone seemed to know about this opportunity before I did. Kevin’s enthusiasm was incredible and I wondered how much he’d promised the other guys of my talents for their manager to book a flight for me when I hadn’t even given my approval yet.

That, ór they were just really desperate for another member because no one else wanted to audition.

None of those thoughts had had any real importance though and I had grabbed the phone tightly to mask the fact that my hands were shaking in earnest now, “Alright,” I had said in a steady voice, “When’s the audition?”

I smile at that memory, still leaning back against the old locker. I could hear the others approaching slowly and closed my eyes, willing them to stay away for just a bit longer. I don’t want their judging, pitying stares. Not now, not here. My former choir teacher had spoken with such admiration and pride that I had died a little inside as he talked. I hadn’t had the heart to tell him about the struggles I’d been facing. I’m sure he would have understood, but he was just as much a part of my childhood as the rest of the building and I didn’t want my childhood memories to mix into the present.

I never asked Kevin why exactly he’d gone through all that trouble to recruit me. I guess I’m too proud for that.