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Sleepless Night


Remus laid in bed that night staring at the wall, unable to sleep. He could hear the other boys’ deep breathing and knew all three of them were in deep slumber, but sleep just wouldn’t come for him, not matter what he did. He tried counting hippogriffs and singing quietly to himself and just laying with his eyes closed. But nothing could make the rest he craved so much to come, things just kept burning holes in his mind - one after another - mental images that made his teeth grit and his muscles tighten, pictures in his head that he couldn’t quite explain the meaning of… like Sirius’s hand on James’s shoulder earlier that evening.

He’d wanted to shout at Sirius when he’d done it.

Why can you touch him and not me?

Why can you hug James and not me?

What did I do wrong?

Remus rolled over in bed so that he was staring up at the ceiling instead, restless, moving his legs several times, trying to find a comfortable way to place them across the mattress. It was like the fibers of his sheets and blankets were made of daggers that kept stabbing at him in every position he tried and he felt tears burning his eyes. The scars on his arms started throbbing and his knees ached and his eyes travelled to the sliver of moonlight out the window.

Why does every bloody thing have to suck? he wondered.

And just like that, he started crying. He felt like a horrible, big baby, but there was no stopping it. He grabbed the pillow and smashed his face into it, his breaths rasping and wet as he tried to sob as silently as possible into the cotton, his face crumpled, shoulders shook.

He felt like he cried for hours. Every noise he heard in the room, he thought that maybe one of the boys had woken up - maybe Sirius - maybe the big black dog would come and make it better and lick his tears away like he had so many times before… but there was no sign of Snuffles. Eventually he ran out of tears and his breathing leveled out, his heart ached and the sobbing stopped and still, sleep eluded him.

Dawn came, cruel and bright, and Remus felt as though his eyes had been forced open by a permanent sticking charm as the sun’s rays came through the window, settling on his face. He felt sick from the night of crying and his stomach ached, like there was a great big knot that had been tied somewhere in it’s lining.

When the other boys woke up, it was to the realization that today was the first day of holidays and those who would be going home for it would be leaving the castle on the Hogwarts Express in just a few short hours - which means Remus and Peter. Peter got up with a hustle in his step and excitement radiating from him, looking forward to his mum’s cooking that night. He kept mentioning that she had promised to make him a roast chicken and garlic mashed potatoes with gobs of butter that night and he packed his trunk with urgency that was unlike Peter as James watched, yawning and stretching in bed.

Sirius remained asleep.

Remus half-heartedly stuffed a couple textbooks in a book bag. He didn’t need his entire trunk to go back and forth for the holidays, so even though Peter was working much faster and rushing about, Remus was still ready to go before him. James looked over as he bent forward to grab onto his toes as part of his stretching and he noticed the red puffiness of Remus’s eyes. “You okay? You look funny,” he said.

“Thanks,” said Remus dryly.

“No I just mean because your face, you look tired is all,” James tried to fix it.

“I didn’t get much sleep,” Remus replied.

James asked, “Was it for all the damn snoring Peter always does?”

“I don’t snore,” Peter objected.

“You do, mate,” James replied, and he released his hold on his toes and sat up, cricking his back in the opposite direction and extending his neck and shoulder. “A lot.”

Peter looked at Remus for confirmation.

“You do,” Remus replied, “But no that’s not why.”

Peter looked crestfallen, then he turned back to packing.

Sirius finally woke up and went to brush his teeth, and when he came back, he sat on the foot of his bed and stared sleepily around as Peter described with excitement all the things he was looking forward to about going home. More than half the things he mentioned were food items.

When the time came for Peter and James to go, Peter struggled to drag his trunk to the door, clutching the handle of the footlocker with his fists and hauling it along. James jumped up and gave Peter a slap on the back, “Now don’t go over indulging too much,” James warned him, “We can all only barely fit under the invisibility cloak together already, don’t forget.” He grinned and winked and poked Peter in the belly.

“I won’t,” Peter said. But they all knew he would.

Sirius laughed, “Bye, Pete!” he said, and gave Peter an enthusiastic hug.

James had turned to Remus and he wrapped his arms ‘round Remus’s shoulders, “Miss you, Rey!” he said, then, “Are you lot back before the next full moon?”

Remus thought a moment, and a terrible thought occurred to him. “Actually… the train back leaves on the day of the full moon.” He cringed. “I guess I’d better find Dumbledore before I go and… and find out how I’m coming back. I can’t come on the Express.”

“Good call, Moony,” said Sirius, jumping over Peter’s trunk, and he slapped Remus on the back heartily, hard enough that Remus stumbled a little bit. He grinned and said, “Write us…” and he grinned and stepped back.

Remus had raised his one arm, expecting a hug like Peter had got… but Sirius had left him hanging and Remus lowered his arm awkwardly and felt his face burn white-hot. “Alright well, Happy Christmas,” he murmured and he waved his wand at Peter’s damn trunk, “Locomotor trunk,” he cast and the trunk levitated off the ground and he quickly pushed it forward out the door, not wanting to spend even another moment in the presence of James or Sirius for how stupid he felt, expecting Sirius to hug him.

“Happy Christmas!” James shouted, bounding out to the landing after them and waving as Peter and Remus headed down the stairs, Remus’s face still burning up.

When they’d climbed through the portrait hole and into the corridor, James turned to Sirius.

“I know,” Sirius said before James could say a word.




Remus told Peter he’d catch up to him downstairs in the entrance hall before it was time to go and they parted at the landing for the fifth floor. Remus bound down the corridor to the great big griffin statues and he stood before them a moment, “Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum,” he said at last, having built up his bravery to seek out Dumbledore at such an early hour. The griffins stepped aside, revealing the passageway and Remus ran up the moving staircase to the platform. The umbrella and wellingtons were gone from their usual place beside the door. Instead there stood a hat rack with a thick woolen scarf hanging from one of the four branches. The scarf was Gryffindor colors.

Remus knocked on the office door.

“Come in, Mr. Lupin,” came Dumbledore’s voice.

How does he always know when it’s me? Remus wondered, and he stepped inside.

Dumbledore was back-to, looking down at a funny stone basin that stood on a shelf in a giant cabinet that opened up into a diamond shaped space with a large, glowing golden cupboard over the basin. It looked like some sort of fancy sink. Dumbledore smiled and waved his wand and a bit of silver stuff floated into a bottle that corked itself then zipped up to the shelf. Dumbledore closed the cabinet’s two doors up, hiding the golden shelves and the basin within. “Good morning, Mr. Lupin,” he said. “And to what do I owe this visit?” He smiled and extended a palm to the comfy chairs before his desk.

Remus sat. “I was curious sir… the Hogwarts Express is leaving today for holiday and I’m going home to see my father this year. It’s the first time I’ve gone home for Christmas from Hogwarts, you know… and… well, the leaving Hogwarts is alright, but the return trip… the Express leaves King’s Cross on the day of the full moon… and I can’t be on it, because of… well, sir, I’ll go moony.”

Dumbledore rubbed his beard, “Well that is a problem.”

“Yes sir.”

Dumbledore looked Remus over thoughtfully. Then, instead of answering the dilemma, he said, “You didn’t sleep last night.”

Remus shook his head, “No sir… How did you --”

“Your eyes are tired,” Dumbledore replied, answering before Remus could finish the question. He stared into them, “And… quite sad as well. Are things going alright, Mr. Lupin?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, sure, things are… they’re grand.”

Dumbledore walked around to lean against the desk, standing before Remus, studying the boy carefully for a long moment. He picked up a quill and turned it in his fingers carefully, eyes downturned. “You know, I hear and see a great deal of what goes on within the walls of this school,” he said slowly, “Don’t think that I do not.”

Remus wondered if this had something to do with the fireworks at the Yule Ball and he felt his face turn pink.

Dumbledore studied Remus, then he said, “Do not let what those who do not understand you say sear your soul.”

Remus blinked in surprise. “Come again?” he asked.

“Be true to yourself and your heart, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore said, “Whatever that may mean.”

“Yes sir,” said Remus, still a bit confused.

“I’ve been where you are,” Dumbledore smiled sadly. “If ever you should need, I am here for you, my boy.”

Remus nodded, though he still wasn’t sure he understood what Dumbledore was talking about. He had a feeling that he was supposed to know, but he just felt a funny gnawing feeling eking around the edges of himself.

Dumbledore sighed and stood up, walking away to the fireplace and he reached up onto the mantel and lifted a box, carrying it back to his desk. “Do you have a floo connected hearth at home?” he asked.

Remus nodded, “Yes sir. Dad uses it to go to work at the ministry.”

Dumbledore opened the box and inside was a funny sort of floo powder. It sparkled pure white, like crushed pearls and opals, instead of the usual lime green. He reached in and took a handful up, then poured it out into an envelope, which he sealed with a thick bit of red wax, pressed tight with the Hogwarts crest. He had it out to Remus. “This floo powder is a special sort. It will give you a direct access to this hearth,” he waved his hands to the fireplace. “You shall return to Hogwarts the morning the Express leaves and you can go along out to the Shrieking Shack for the full moon at that time.” Dumbledore peaked his fingers, “Does that solve the problem at hand?”

Remus nodded, “Yes sir. Thank you.”

“You are very welcome.” Dumbledore nodded.

Remus got up and headed for the door, tucking the envelope carefully into his bag. He paused at the doorway to look back at Dumbledore. “Happy Christmas, sir,” he said.

“Happy Christmas, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore replied, “I do hope you get everything you want.”

Remus held the door for a moment, contemplating this sentiment, “I hope you do, too,” he replied.

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “Ah… well, I never quite do, but that is the danger that comes with being particularly hard to buy for.” He smiled. “Do not hesitate to visit again, Mr. Lupin; I’m nearly always here and a knock upon the door is always welcome.”




Peter was waiting in the Great Hall for Remus, though the carts were already loading and heading down to the platform in Hogsmeade. They loaded the trunk into one of the carts and Filch watched with squinty eyes as they climbed aboard and the horseless cart carried them away down the rolling hill toward the station. They could see the plumes of black smoke wafting up over the trees, expelled by the scarlet steam engine that would carry them away, back to London. Remus looked over his shoulder at the profile of the dark grey castle, looming high and imposing into the blue sky, the turrets covered with icicles and thick globs of snow. He could see the window that was their dorm, high up in the top of Gryffindor tower. He wondered if James and Sirius were looking out or if they’d already forgotten all about him and Peter and moved on with their lives.

They were probably already up to no good.

Remus turned back around to face forward. He needed to stop thinking about Sirius, he told himself. This holiday would be nothing at all to do with Sirius, it would be just him and Lyall and Tizzy and their Christmas would be brilliant. He hoped that they would have a roasted goose and he imagined trimming the tree with his father and maybe building a snowman on the lawn like Hope had always excitedly done… He felt a pang of ache at the thought that this would be the first family Christmas without her, since he’d stayed at the castle for the last one. There would be a gaping hole in the festivities, he realized.

They boarded the train and sat down in their usual compartment, which felt a lot larger and emptier without Sirius’s loud voice echoing off the cramped spaces. (Stop thinking about him! Remus reminded himself harshly.) Peter immediately decided to go find the trolley witch, declaring he was starving, and disappeared, leaving Remus quite alone in the little compartment. He sat in the corner and pressed himself to the wall, staring out the window and thinking how awful it was being alone in the compartment without his friends, and he missed them all so very much. He looked over at the paneling and saw that the etched letters Sirius had done on the way home last term were painted over. They were still there, carved into the wood, though. Remus crawled over and ran his fingers over them, smiling to himself.

The compartment door opened and there was Lily. “Hey Remus,” she said. “Are you alone?”

“Peter went to get snacks from the trolley,” he answered.

Lily asked, “Okay if Frank, Ali and I join you lot?”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Lily leaned back out, “Frank! Ali… down here.” Then she came in all the way and sat in the spot across from Remus, where James usually sat. She looked at the carving on the wall that Remus had been touching. “Sirius?” she asked.

Remus nodded, “Yeah, he got pissed last year because some kids were in our compartment and so he wrote our names on it.” He laughed.

Lily rolled her eyes, “What a git.”

“He really is,” Remus nodded. He felt the pang in his chest again, and he shoved the thought of Sirius out of his head and sat back forward.

Frank and Ali came in, sitting beside Lily together and soon the train lurched forward and started chugging it’s way through the countryside, headed home. They started talking about plans for the holidays and Frank confirmed the name of a theater they’d all agreed to visit in London, and Lily turned to Remus, “We’re going to the cinema during the break. Would you like to come?”

Remus, who had been to plenty of pictures before in his life, since it had been Hope’s passion, nodded eagerly, “Yes, that sounds wonderful.”

Lily smiled, “Alright. I’ll send you an owl when we’ve chosen a day, then.”

Ali grinned, “I can’t wait! I’m so glad you’re coming, Remus!”

Peter came back with his arms full of treats from the trolley, which he happily shared around with everyone, and so they sat about eating chocolate and animal crackers and licorice wands as the scenery zipped past the window, a blur of green and blue sky. When things quieted down, once they’d been riding for some time, Remus leaned his head against the compartment wall and, listening to the sound of Lily Evans’s voice as she talked about the history of various Christmas traditions, he finally blinked… and fell asleep.