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Freak


Lily Evans woke up on Christmas morning and for the first time had not even the slightest excitement about the holiday. She stared at her bedroom ceiling dreading having to admit that she was awake at all. She clutched the blankets to her chin and listened to the sounds of her parents up and moving about, the tones of their voices echoing through the walls of the house as they talked to one another. She loved them dearly, but she wished that she’d stayed at Hogwarts, like she’d done last year. (Though perhaps her dreams of the holiday at Hogwarts might’ve looked a bit different if she knew the havoc James and Sirius had been wrecking on the place.) She thought about the crackers and the feasts and the twinkling candlelights in the Great Hall and the joy of awaking to find the house elves had placed presents all about her bed…

“Lily, dear, are you awake?” her mum knocked on the bedroom door.

The time had come.

Lily sat up, “Coming mummy,” she called and she sighed as she pushed the blankets away, rolling out of bed. On the chair by the closet was the folded set of new Christmas pyjamas her mother and father had given her the night before to wear today. It was a Christmas tradition that everyone in the family have a new pair of matching pyjamas to wear on Christmas day as they sat about the tree and enjoyed their time together. It had gone on as long as Lily could possibly remember - and even further, for there were photos of her and Petunia when they were newly born in matching pyjamas in their father’s arms. This year’s were green with white lace along the ankle and candy cane shaped buttons. She tugged it on over her head and braided her hair the muggle way (this was the worst about being away from Hogwarts - the no magic bit - it made doing her hair nearly impossible). She pulled on thick fuzzy socks, red ones to complete the Christmas theme. Finally, she could stall no more, and she went downstairs.

Petunia was already down there, wearing her Christmas pyjamas, and sitting on the floor by the tree. This was another Evans family tradition - a photo of the twins by the tree together in their Christmas pyjamas. Mr. Evans was looking through a large black camera, cranking the film, and checking to see that Petunia was positioned just right. “Lily -- in you go!” he waved to where he wanted her to sit and she knelt down beside her sister.

“You should be hugging this year!” Mrs. Evans said, “It’s been such a long time since we did one with you girls hugging!”

Lily and Petunia exchanged glances, then Lily hesitantly leaned toward Petunia and wrapped her arms around her sister. Petunia didn’t move.

“Lily and Petunia, my magical little garden!” said Mrs. Evans, smiling.

Only Lily noticed that Petunia had cringed at the word magical.

The moment Mr. Evans had snapped the photo, Petunia pulled away and got up to move to the other side of the Christmas tree.

The whole holiday had been like that thus far, beginning at Platform 9¾, when her father had met her at the train alone, saying that her mother and sister were waiting in the car. Lily had known instantly that it was because Petunia refused to come out to meet her at the train. She’d stowed her wand in her bag with a feeling of hollowness overcoming her. She’d wished then that she could reboard the Express and go back to the castle right then and there.

There was a horrible moment, too, at the dinner table, when Lily had asked for the salt and Petunia had basically refused to hand it over - “Conjure it yourself, since you’re so good at magic at that little freak school of yours!” Petunia had said.

Lily had shook her head, “I can’t because --”

“What good is magic if you can’t even use it to make something as simple as salt?” Petunia had snorted.

Angry, Lily had snapped, “Because the fifth of Gamp’s Basic Laws of Magic states that a witch and or wizard cannot conjure food out of thin air. Magic can be used in the preparation of it - but even that you aren’t conjuring the food, you’re charming the cooking utensils to do the prep work. And you can’t turn something else into food, either - which would be transfiguration, by the way. The closest I suppose you could come would be to change something into a fish or a rat or something and eat that but --”

“You eat rats at that freak school you go to?!” Petunia had looked disgusted.

“No, stupid,” Lily had snapped. “But if you were desperate enough for food, I suppose you could do that.”

Petunia had wrinkled her nose up.

Their parents had been most impressed with Lily’s thoughtful, concise answer, though, and they’d made comments on how she must be very smart and Lily had blushed and admitted, “They say I’m the best in my year…” She didn’t tell them there was only her and the four Marauders vying for the title, though. She figured some things were better left unsaid.

Petunia had scowled.

So, all in all, the greatest thing about Christmas, for Lily, was that night, when a tawny owl arrived at her window sill from Ali Prewitt, confirming that she and Frank Longbottom were to meet Lily and Remus Lupin at a cinema in London the next day before the lot of them were to go to Diagon Alley to get some stuff they needed for the second half of the term. Lily smiled at Ali’s scrawling letters across the parchment and realized how bitterly she missed her friends. Hearing Petunia call her a freak - right to her face - had been even harder than it had been when she’d read the words scrawled across a notebook page. She missed being around people who appreciated her and smiled at her.

The last thing she did on Christmas was write a quick note to Remus, reminding him of the cinema and giving him the address. She sent the small roll of parchment off with the tawny owl as he left and watched until the black dot of his flapping wings faded into the darkness of the sky.




Tizzy disapparated Remus Lupin to an alleyway behind the cinema promptly at 11:00 in the morning. She looked him over fretfully, “You is looking very good in your muggle clothes, Master Remus,” she said and she straightened the sweater vest he’d tugged on over the plaid button-up shirt and brown slacks. She smiled. “If only you was brushing your hair!” she clucked her tongue.

“I’m alright, really, I’m not trying to impress anyone,” Remus said as the elf clicked her fingers and appeared on his shoulder, running her little fingers through his hair, trying to neaten the flyaway strands. The elf didn’t seem to care about his words. She licked her palm and fought with his hair just the same, hemming at the way it looked. “I gotta go Tizzy,” he said.

“Yes, Master Remus,” she said, sighing, “I is doing what I could, Master Remus.”

“I’m sure it’s brilliant,” he said. “Thanks. I’ll summon you when I’m ready later.”

“I hope you is having fun with your date, Master Remus.”

“It’s not a date, Tizzy, we’re just friends,” he’d said this about twelve hundred times, ever since he’d asked permission to go to the cinema with Lily Evans today. His father had insisted that Lily must be the girl that had sparked Remus’s romantic inquiries before, when he’d asked about his mum and everything. Remus had persisted again and again that the questions he’d had were just arbitrary, no real reason for having asked them… but his father hadn’t believed him and had therefore insisted on going out and getting Remus the brand new muggle clothes (“If you’re dating a muggle, you don’t want to embarrass her in public by dressing like a wizard! I know, Hopie said it a hundred times if she said it once!”). Tizzy had joined in, mainly since Lyall had.

Remus couldn’t help but wonder what either of them would think if they knew what he’d really been asking about. He wasn’t even certain what he thought about it, honestly. He’d puzzled over the idea of his quiet affection for Sirius having grown into something deeper than the friendship that it had started out as, but the concept was uncomfortable and confusing. He had found that he was unable to really put words to the stuff he was feeling. It was all so topsy-turvey and uncertain feeling…

Part of him felt like he was only questioning it because of Regulus and Evan having bullied them, that the idea had been placed in his head and woven it’s way in and now he was just scared their words were true.

Part of him was embarrassed and afraid that it may be so. Ashamed, even. Like he’d asked Lily - wasn’t being a werewolf enough? Would the gods have created a boy so incorrectly built that he couldn’t be human in any aspect of the normal sense?

But then again, was being…. - he couldn’t even think the word gay without feeling a bit of shame and weakness run through him - ….was it as unnatural as it sounded? After all, if you -- Like? Love? Are infatuated by? - someone, why should it matter what they were on the physical sense?

Yet Remus knew, without ever mentioning even a word of this to his father, it would be simply unforgivable in the Lupin house.

He wished desperately he had somebody - besides Sirius - he could trust so that he could talk about it. But his father would disown him, and he couldn’t imagine telling James without feeling sick, and Peter - well he wasn’t certain he trusted Peter with it at all. There was no one else, perhaps one of the professors or Dumbledore himself… but that seemed too extreme, and they had much better things to do than listen to a teenage boy’s worries.

“Remus? Is that you?” he turned about as Frank Longbottom looked ‘round from behind a rubbish bin he’d just appeared behind with his own house elf, who looked much older than Tizzy and had a pair of tiny spectacles on his face. “Thanks Paddy,” he said and the elf nodded, then clicked his fingers and disappeared.

“See you, Tizzy,” said Remus, and he hurried over to Frank, hearing the cracks of Tizzy disapparating.

“Ali’s already here - she and Lily are in the lobby. C’mon,” Frank said as Remus approached.

The two boys went ‘round front of the movie house and went inside. There was plush red carpet everywhere and a young guy sat at a booth selling tickets to the films they were playing. Lily ordered the tickets and, being the only one with experience with muggle money, she paid the man and the tickets printed out of a small gap in the wall and Remus asked, “What is it we’re going to see?”

“It’s Robin Hood,” Lily said, “Walt Disney’s produced it.”

“Walled Did-Knee?” Ali repeated, looking concerned.

“Walt. Dis-ney,” Lily said, pronouncing the R and the N.

“What’s it about?” Frank asked.

“Obviously -- Robin Hood.”

“Is this about a bird, then?” Ali asked. She was holding Frank’s hand.

Lily looked surprised. “Do none of you know the story of Robin Hood? Take from the rich to feed the poor? No? Really?” Lily’s eyes moved from one of her mates to the next, but only Remus seemed to have any clue what she was talking about. Remus knew the story of Robin Hood - it was one of the muggle stories his mum had raised him hearing at bedtime. But it was clear by the expressions on their faces that purebloods Frank and Ali had no idea what she was talking about. Lily said, “But - but it’s bloody Robin Hood!” she said.

“Not our fault we don’t know - we aren’t muggleborns,” Frank said.

“Well you are in for a real treat, seeing as this one is Disney’s version of the story and it’s told with forest animals! For example, Robin is a fox and Little John is a bear, and Friar Tuck is a mole! They’ve been advertising it for a very long while!”

“How did they get the animals to do all this acting without charms?” Ali asked, wide eyed.

“Well they’re animated, aren’t they?” Lily said.

“I’ve always wondered how the muggles do animation,” Frank said, “Without magic, how do they get the pictures to move?”

“Because they draw millions of pictures,” Lily said, “And they create an effect like they’re moving by flipping through them really quickly.”

Frank made a face, “It’s so much easier to wave a wand and make the one picture move!”

“They haven’t got a choice though, do they?” Remus pointed out, “They’re muggles.”

“Weird,” Frank said, shaking his head.

They waited in line for popcorn and drinks (Remus got a large bar of chocolate instead - as he was quite fond of chocolate) and carried their fare into the movie room, the screen flickering from the projector overhead, though no film had yet been loaded. They found their seats in the back of the room in the dark and Remus looked around, smelling the slightly dingy, popcorn soaked scent that filled most cinemas. This place reminded him of his mum so deeply. She’d always taken him to the cinema whenever she was feeling blue or when there was a grand film playing. His mother’s eyes had always been wide and starry at the movie house and she’d spend a good deal of the old black and whites they saw pointing out people she’d known back in the day, before she’d quit her life as a starlet and run away from it all with his father. The movies had always made her smile. He had several quite vivid memories of sitting beside her, watching her enraptured face as she stared up at the screen, remembering what had been.

They sat in a row - Remus, Lily, Ali, and Frank, and passed the popcorn back and forth, talking quietly and waiting for the film to begin. They laughed about how spotlessly Filch would have cleaned the theater compared to how the cinema’s janitor had done. They talked about Frank’s worries about the quidditch match coming up in January against Ravenclaw and how Ali’s father had gotten her a cat for Christmas that she’d named Oskar. “So what’s new with you, Remus?” Frank asked, leaning forward to see the other boy, “Anything exciting happen during the holiday so far?”

Remus shook his head, “Not really. It was quiet. Just me and my dad. And our house elf, Tizzy.”

The screen flickered to life suddenly and the sweeping sound of music filled the room and Frank sat back in his place and looked up at the screen, as did Ali and Lily. Remus settled into his chair and clutched the armrests. The film started as a brightly drawn rooster meandered into the center of the screen, talking about legends and such, plucking the strings on a mandolin.

The scene changed as the rooster began to sing a catchy tune - “Robin Hood and Little John, walkin’ through the forest, laughin’ back and forth at what the other’ne had to say… Reminiscin’, this’n’thattin’, havin’ such a good time… oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day…” A fox and a bear were walking through the woods, smiling at one another, the fox wearing a cap with a bright red feather stuck through it. Remus found himself staring up at the screen and thinking to himself that it could be him and Sirius he was looking at, the way the two characters were palling about and he thought of how he and Sirius used to be like that before. “Robin Hood and Little John, runnin’ through the forest - jumpin’ fences, dodging trees, and trying to get away… Contemplatin’ nothin’ but escapin’ and finally making it -- oo-de-lolly, oo-de-lolly, golly what a day!

Remus looked over to find Lily enraptured just as his mum would’ve been, her mouth slightly open, eyes sparkling up at the color and movement of the motion picture. Beyond her, Ali and Frank were holding hands, Frank’s arm around Ali’s shoulder, their heads close together. Ali turned her face up and kissed Frank’s chin and Remus turned red and looked away, feeling like he’d seen something more than he should have.

On the screen, the fox and bear were collecting coins and jewels from a stopped stage coach that belonged to a lion and a snake and there were some rhinos in medieval garb…

When the film was over, they left, talking about how thrilling the final scenes had been, in which Robin Hood had to save the baby rabbits and everyone else in the town from a burning tower the evil king had imprisoned them all in for not paying their taxes. They walked along through the streets, following Frank as he led them to the Leaky Cauldron to visit Diagon Alley. He held Ali’s hand protectively as they walked.

Once they’d reached the wizarding street, Frank asked if any of them fancied an ice cream and Ali had been enthusiastic, but Lily said she was still hungry and so was Remus, so they split up and agreed to meet back together at Flourish and Blotts in thirty minutes.

Lily smiled at Remus as they walked along, “So how’s your holiday been?”

Remus shrugged, “It’s weird without mum.”

“I’ll bet it is,” Lily said.

“How’s yours?”

“Weird, too,” Lily answered, “Petunia’s been especially terrible. I wish she didn’t hate me.”

Remus said, “Deep down, I’m sure she doesn’t. She can’t. You’re --- you’re you.”

Lily laughed, “You’re sweet. But she does. And it tears me apart. I can’t stop thinking of it. It’s like a poison in me that I can’t talk to her like I used to. Sometimes… sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone I can talk to, you know?” She sighed and chewed her lower lip a moment. “I used to tell her simply everything.”

“I know what you mean. About needing somebody to talk to.”

Lily looked at Remus, studying him a moment, then stopped and took his hands. “You know you can talk to me. I’ve told you. Any time at all, Remus.”

He stared up at her, at the sincerity in her green eyes…

“Really?” he asked, “You really mean that? And you won’t tell anybody?”

“Tell anybody! Never!” Lily looked disturbed by the very thought. “Who would I tell? Potter? The greatest prat of all time? Sirius, perhaps, the one who doesn’t like showing he has an emotional range? Or maybe Peter?” she shook her head, “I wouldn’t tell a soul, Rey. Whatever you say to me is between you and I; and you and I alone.”

Remus hesitated. “Do you really think that - about Sirius?”

“Of course. He doesn’t like being opened up, does he? Too busy hiding all he feels under his good many layers. Too busy being funny.”

“There’s more to him,” Remus said thickly.

“Oh I know there’s plenty to him, but blast if he lets anyone in to see it. Doesn’t even like being touched or hugged much, does he?” Lily said, thinking of the day she’d asked Sirius about Regulus and told him about Tuney. She remembered how stiff his muscles had gone at the feeling of a real hug, not one of those cheap half-hearted things he passed out to the likes of Marlene McKinnon and Meg Johnson.

Remus’s eyes were cast downward at the cobblestoned street. “Lily… I think I have… I have feelings.”

Lily tilted her head to look at him with concern. “Feelings?” she asked.

Remus’s face was pained looking. He kept his eyes firmly cast downward, refusing to look up, picking at a loose thread on his sweater vest waist, and he looked quite bleary eyed.

“Rey? What sort of feelings?” Lily asked, her voice gentle, caring. She put a hand on his arm softly.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “I’ve never - I’ve never felt like this before - I don’t know how to explain… I… especially not about…”

Lily leaned closer. “Rey… is this about…” she paused, her voice a catching, afraid to say the name. Remus looked up at her and she could see it in his eyes. “Sirius?” she asked, even more quietly.

A tear came out of his eye, siding over his cheekbone and off his narrow chin - just one single tear. He nodded.

She looked around, spotted a small alley beside Eeylops and carefully pulled him over to a cellar door they could sit on and they sat and Remus reached in his pocket and took out his handkerchief and wiped his face and nose as more tears followed that first one. Lily put her hand around his shoulders.

Remus’s face had crumpled. “Every time I think of him… I miss him, like bloody hell, being away this week, I didn’t realize how much… Lily, he sees me. He doesn’t give a damn I’m a werewolf. He’s done so much. And when he’s close I feel safer than I ever have before. He gets it. He gets me. I feel like I’m really a person to him. Nobody makes me feel like a person more than Sirius Black.”

Lily rubbed his shoulder as he spoke.

“I’m so bloody confused. I’m not supposed to feel like this. I’m a boy. I’m a boy, I shouldn’t feel like this about another boy. It should be you I like. It should be you. But it’s him. And I don’t - I don’t know - what - to - to do!”

Lily pulled his head to her chest and let him cry, patting his hair softly. She pressed her cheek to his head and cradled him as he shook.

“Am I a freak, Lily?” he asked quietly.

She winced slightly at the word, her hand against the side of his face. She smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead. “No, Rey… no, you’re not a freak,” she whispered, “You’re just a boy who is in love.”