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Back to Sirius


Remus tumbled through the hearth and into Dumbledore’s office mid-morning on 8 January, covered in soot from the floo. Dumbledore hardly looked up from his paperwork, as though narrow-shouldered boys frequently fell out of his fireplace. He lowered his quill after finishing the sentence he’d been scrawling onto a bit of parchment, turning to look at Remus, who was up and dusting himself off. “Welcome back to school, Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore said with a smile.

“Thank you,” Remus answered.

Dumbledore raised his wand, “Scourgefy,” he said, waving it at Remus’s tarnished robes. A warm wind seemed to brush the boy and when he looked down again it was to see his robes were perfectly clean. “So that Professor McGonagall doesn’t have a fit at the state of you,” the headmaster said.

“Thank you, sir,” Remus answered again.

The headmaster felt bad for the boy - with his heavy eyes and the silver scars on his cheeks. His eyes had dark circles beneath them, the side effects of the full moon that would rise that night. But there was something more in them, a sadness.

“And how was your holiday?” Dumbledore asked. His eyes twinkled as though he had a secret with Remus, though Remus hadn’t the foggiest what the secret might be.

“They were good,” Remus said. He didn’t fancy explaining to Dumbledore how rough Christmas had been, missing his mum, and how tortured he’d felt trying to figure out his feelings. Above all things in the world, he didn’t fancy telling Dumbledore that. But he wasn’t entirely lying, either. After seeing Lily, Frank, and Ali the day after Christmas, things had gotten better - especially since Lily kept her word and didn’t mention a thing to Frank and Ali when they’d met up at Flourish and Blotts. She’d also written him three times since, reassuring him that things would be alright.

Some part of Remus actually believed her when she said it.

Maybe things would be alright. Maybe if he told Sirius… but he couldn’t even finish the thought without his stomach flipping and going sour. Sirius would freak out if Remus said anything to him, he was sure of it. If their friendship outside of the Shrieking Shack was strained now, there was no telling what would happen then.

“Mine was good as well,” Dumbledore said, even though Remus hadn’t asked. Remus realized how rude he’d been - zoning out to think about Sirius. It was becoming all too frequent that his brain flew off to other places that involved his dark haired, wild-eyed friend.

“I’m glad,” Remus said.

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, “Yes… yes, your friends were quite entertaining over the holiday.”

“Sirius and James?” Remus asked, “Oh no. What did they do?” He looked nervous.

Dumbledore chuckled. “What didn’t they do would be far easier to answer.”

“Bloody hell,” he mumbled, imagining all the hijinx Sirius Black could’ve cooked up without Remus there to keep him in check. “I’m sorry. Usually I can stop them doing the truly crazy things.”

Dumbledore’s face was gentle and amused, “As I said, they were quite entertaining, but I believe that Professor McGonagall’s nerves will benefit from your services.” He smiled, then stood up and took the parchment he’d been writing to Fawkes. He handed the bird the scroll. “You know where you’re going,” he whispered, and Fawkes’s keen eye blinked as though to agree, and he soared away through the window.

Remus took a deep breath, “Well… thank you for letting me come back this way… I - I’d prefer to be here for the moon. In the Shack.” With Sirius, he thought. He wondered if Sirius would come. He looked up at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore nodded, “Anything I can do to help, Mr. Lupin. Please just let me know.”

“Yes sir.” Remus walked to the door and Dumbledore tucked his hands behind his back. “I’ll - er - I’ll go.”

“Mr. Lupin,” Dumbledore said, and when he turned back to Remus, there was a faint shadow in his eyes and he looked at Remus almost apologetically. “Do be safe, my boy… please.”

There was something about the way Dumbledore was looking at him that made him nervous.

The shadow in his eyes cleared and he smiled - though it didn’t twinkle in his eyes, like it usually did, Remus noticed. “Off you go.”

“Yes, sir.” Remus turned and he went out down the staircase to pop out into the fifth floor corridor by the great stone griffins. He glanced at the window to see if he had time to go back to the common room and say hello to Sirius and James before going out to the Shrieking Shack, but then he realized it was probably best if the fewest possible people saw he was back ahead of the Express. He didn’t need to be calling any attention to special treatments he received, and so he hastened down the stairs, keeping his head down to stay as unnoticed as possible as he made his way through the castle.




Sirius and James were under the invisibility cloak on the third floor, snickering and watching students step onto the steps - “glisseo” they would whisper - and the stairs would flatten to slides and down the students would go, sliding down the stairway with shrieks of surprise. James and Sirius high fived quietly and laugh silently, clutching their stomachs as they watched the pile up at the foot of the stairs. The students would look about in confusion as James fixed the stairs to go back to normal.

They were giggling quite hard when Sirius spotted Remus slinking down the stairwell quickly, trying to get by the cluster of students at the end, apparently without being seen. He ducked out from under the invisibility cloak, abandoning James in the corridor and ran off down the second floor steps after him.

Remus was moving fast, but Sirius kept up and he was light footed, that he followed after Remus until they were all the way out to the grounds. “Rey!” Sirius hissed, and Remus jumped, turning around in surprise, eyes wild and wide.

“Oh, blimey, it’s you,” he said, seeing Sirius. A funny sort of look came over his face for just a flicker of a moment.

“You’re back early,” Sirius said. “The train won’t be here for hours.”

Remus nodded. “It’s the full moon. Dumbledore made an exception. I floo’d into his office.”

“Weren’t you going to tell me?” Sirius asked, a bit of a hurt expression to his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d come back ‘til tomorrow. I would’ve missed…” he let the words flow away, unsure how to refer to it. “I wouldn’t have been there for you.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus said.

“Well lucky I spotted you!” Sirius said, and a grin came over his face and he awkwardly took a couple steps forward, and put his arm rather stiffly ‘round Remus’s shoulder, glancing back at the castle to be sure nobody could see them. Then he let his arm drop. It was just too awkward. “Are you headed out there already?”

Remus nodded.

“Well, I’ll come with you,” Sirius offered.

Remus had to swallow back the excitement that swelled up in him. “Okay,” he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. “If you like.”

Sirius grinned, “Well somebody’s got to keep you from hurting yourself, don’t they?”

“Yeah, true,” Remus nodded.

“Sounds like a job for me.”

“Should you choose to accept it,” Remus said.

Sirius’s eyes shone brightly. “I do.”

A lump rose up in Remus’s throat. He grabbed a rock and expertly hit the knot on the Whomping Willow within a few shots and they hurried under the boughs together and into the tunnel that led to the Shrieking Shack. “We missed you ‘round here, Moony,” said Sirius leading the way though the tunnel, holding aloft his lighted wand. “Been a long two weeks!”

“I missed you, too,” Remus said sincerely.

“Next year, you should stay - and Peter, too, I guess. We could own the castle!” Sirius’s eyes were excited as he waved his arms about, talking with his hands, “You should’ve seen some of the things James and I got up to while you were gone! We went sledding.”

“Sledding?” Remus looked surprised, “Like on the snow?”

“Like on the stairs.”

Remus blinked in surprised.

“With a mattress we knicked from Pomfrey’s.”

“You what?”

“It was James’s idea. Well sort of. He suggested boring sledding. Like a muggle! On snow! I said to him, ‘James, it’s bloody cold outside and I don’t fancy going out, getting all wet and freezing my stones off’ and he looked all disappointed, ‘You don’t wanna go sledding?’ he says and I say, ‘No I do I just don’t want to go outside!’ and he looks at me all confused - you’d have laughed at his face, Rey. So then I suggested sledding down the stairs. But like I said, it was really James’s idea.”

Remus shook his head. It was so like Sirius to blame James for it when sledding on the stairwell was so obviously a Siriusly bad idea. “So how long to do you lot have detentions for? Dumbledore mentioned you’d been up to no good the whole time I was gone.”

“THAT’S THE BEST PART, REY!” Sirius announced, “We didn’t get a single detention! The teachers all thought we were funny!”

“Even McGonagall?” Remus asked, surprised.

“Especially McGonagall!” Sirius exaggerated.

Remus was shocked.

Sirius told him all about McGonagall catching him and James at the sledding and all the times he’d taught the charmed suits of armor his version of the Christmas carols and Remus laughed as they walked along through the dark, listening to Sirius’s tales. He couldn’t help but watch the way Sirius moved and talked and wished it didn’t affect him like it was.

They reached the shack and Sirius pushed open the door and pulled Remus through into the darkness of the shack. “So what did you do on your holiday?” Sirius asked, “Get into any trouble yourself or did you somehow manage to keep your rebellious side in line?”

Remus smiled at the idea of him having a rebellious side. “I read books mostly,” he answered.

“Oh wild thing,” Sirius said, pretending to clutch at his heart in fake shock.

Remus laughed. “I didn’t finish my homework yet.”

Sirius’s eyes opened wide. “Bloody hell, man! What are you thinking? Not spending every moment of your holiday doing homework!”

“Have you even started yours yet?”

Sirius smirked, “I’ve had more important things to do. The teachers will understand.”

“I’m sure - especially McGonagall.”

“Took some time to teach those suits of armor Jingle Bells,” Sirius said solemnly, “She’s sure to appreciate that.”

“Oh of course,” Remus nodded.

Sirius was leaning against the wall and Remus sat next to him so that their feet stuck out before them and Sirius grabbed hold on Remus, giving him a noogie, ruffling up his light hair with a chuckle, “You’re so sarcastic!”

“They say sarcasm is a sign of intelligence.”

“No wonder!” Sirius beamed, and his arm relaxed, falling from the grip on Remus’s hair to rest on his shoulder.

Remus smiled. He felt whole and he had to actually remind himself not to audibly sigh in relief at Sirius’s touch. A consuming gratefulness that Sirius Orion Black existed and that he, Remus John Lupin, got to be there for it. He felt like the pieces he’d shattered into in all his worrying and stress over the holidays were being picked up and glued back together. All from sitting side by side in a dusty old shack.

Maybe, Remus thought, just maybe things would gradually become less awkward again. Maybe things would go back to the way they were. Maybe the holidays had been enough to make the Slytherins forget all about calling him a puffer fish and Sirius would go back to being Sirius and everything would be okay - just the way they were.

Sirius leaned back so his head was against the wall, his neck stretched and his adam’s apple showing, wide and large against his sinewy neck. He closed his eyes, his dark hair falling ‘round his forehead and his cheeks - shaggy at best…

Remus stared, emotions welling up in him.

Well. Maybe not just the way they were.

Something had changed… and there was no undoing it now.