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You’re Not a Freak


When the sorting had ended, Dumbledore stood up and walked to the podium at the front of the faculty table, standing behind the great winged eagle that lavishly adorned it. He smiled about as the students settled into their seats, slapping new Firsties on the back, welcoming them to their houses, and McGonagall put the Sorting Hat and he stool to one side before going back to her seat.

“Who’s that?” Peter asked, pointing.

James followed Peter’s finger until his eyes landed on the oldest, most haggard looking man that he had ever seen in his entire life. He had more wrinkles than James thought possible, and low hanging jowls that wobbled as he sat, his face turned the wrong direction to be looking at Dumbledore… but one look at his eyes and James knew why. The man was blind, his eyes pupiless and milky white. The look of it was so haunting it sent a chill through James’s spine. “I dunno,” he whispered, “Not one of our professors, I hope.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I like him,” Peter said nervously.

“Did you see his eyes?” whispered Frank Longbottom, turning to look at them. He saw James and surprise lit up his face, “You’re here. I thought you got expelled?”

James shook his head.

“Dumbledore rough you up or what?” Frank joked, pointing to the tear in James’s shirt.

“I’m.. er, clumsy,” James lied. “Shh, Dumbledore’s about to talk.”

Frank clearly wasn’t appeased by the lame answer, but he turned back around as Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked about. “As usual,” Dumbledore began, “There’s a ban on the Forbidden Forest, and the list of various pranks things posted on Mr. Filch’s office door… As many of you know, there was a bit of a commotion on the Hogwarts Express this morning --” several eyes turned to James and he turned red in the cheeks, “-- and the matter has been taken care of.”

Across the room, Severus Snape snorted, “Taken care of, indeed. Potter’s not been expelled -- any Slytherin tried to set off a firecracker on a train and they’d be out immediately.” He rolled his eyes.

“Here, here…” muttered Mulciber. “Special treatment for Gryffindors.”

Regulus was staring beadily at the Gryffindor table, and suddenly something occurred to him. “Do any of you lot see my brother?”

They turned and looked. “No,” Severus finally said.

“Odd,” Regulus said. And he realized that he hadn’t seen his brother all day. Not at the platform, not on the train…

Dumbledore’s hands curled ‘round the edge of the podium, “We have two new appointments on staff this year. First, you’ll recognize Professor Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was your interim Defense teacher last term after the unfortunate resignation of Professor Veigler, and has agreed to officially take on the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for the term. Welcome Kingsley.”

Kingsley stood and bowed.

Several people clapped. The Ravenclaws whooped loudly. They’d especially enjoyed Kingsley’s logical classes. James was pleased; having Kingsley for DADA was exactly what he’d hoped would happen. Perhaps Kingsley would stay and they’d actually have a professor for more than one term!

“Secondly, is our new Divinations instructor… Professor Kostos Mopsus.”

The mysterious old man wobbled to his feet, still aiming off center of the room, and stood without bowing, before the student body for a moment. The applause was limited and reserved. He sat back down heavily, leaning his cane against the table.

James looked at Peter, who looked quite terrified.

When the feast was over and the rush of students getting up and heading for their common rooms had begun, James and Peter joined the throng going up to Gryffindor. They were halfway up the stairs when James was suddenly jerked away, down the sixth floor corridor and into the trophy room. He blinked in surprise at the sight of red hair before him as he realized it was Lily Evans that had derailed him from the exodus. “Beati pacifici,” Lily’s voice was solid and strong and she pulled him through the Scrimgeour frame and into the dark of the tunnel and raised her wand, “Lumos.”

She looked at him with intensely green eyes. “Potter,” she said sternly.

“Evans?” he asked.

“What happened.”

James said casually, “Oh… you know… just… fighting off werewolves intent to kill me. Again. That’s twice I’ve fought off a werewolf, Evans. Aren’t you quite impressed?”

“Where’s Remus?”

“Dunno, someplace on the grounds with Siri--” James stopped mid-word, his face growing hot.

“Sirius?” Lily’s eyebrows raised, “He’s with Sirius? Your best mate is outside in the dark with a werewolf and you’re standing here quite calm and joking about me being impressed with you?

“I --” James’s brain was trying desperately to think of some way to backtrack.

Lily reached for the door quickly, “Come on.”

“What? Where?”

“To save Sirius, you idiot, obviously!” Lily said.

James actually laughed at that, loudly, the sound of it echoing off down the passageway. Lily glowered at him. “Oh Merlin’s beard, what the hell do you think you’re going to do against a ruddy werewolf? You?” James hooted, “You’re probably barely seven stone soaking wet, are you?”

“I don’t see how my weight matters,” sniffed Lily, who certainly weighed more than seven stone, probably even on the moon where things were weightless. She glared at him, “Why do you think it’s funny that I want to go save your friend?!”

“Because Sirius is fine,” James replied. He shook his head, there was no going back now. “Sirius… he’s a bit of a werewolf whisperer, alright? Trust me. He’s fine. Remus isn’t going to hurt him. In fact, Sirius saved both me and Peter out there. If it wasn’t for him arriving at just the right time, we’d all be werewolf chow.”

Lily stared at James, incredulous. “You’re serious.”

“Yes, I’m serious, blimey; even I don’t have an imagination vivid enough to make this stuff up, love.”

“Don’t call me love.”

“Sorry, Evans. Old habits.” James shrugged.

“It isn’t a habit, it’s a thing you do to annoy me.”

“Habitually,” James grinned.

“Whatever possessed you to go visiting a werewolf anyway, the lot of you are absolute dunderheads if you thought it was a good idea to go out to that Shack on a full moon night and --”

“He fell asleep in the dorm waiting to go out to the Shack,” James said, interrupting her. “When I got back here with Dumbledore, I went up to the dorm and found him and brought him outside. We just… didn’t quite make it all the way to the Shack, that’s all. We were still on the grounds when he changed.”

Lily suddenly realized this wasn’t the only thing she had to discuss with him and she put her hands on her hips, “Which reminds me, Potter… What were you thinking with that firecracker on the train! The mess you made! And what was the purpose of it being outside my compartment? Why were you skulking about out there?”

“Because you called me thick!” James said. “I was trying to scare you with a noisemaker and I grabbed the wrong bloody cracker, alright? I didn’t know it was going to become a fire dragon and break the windows!”

Lily said, “You literally just proved why you’re thick.”

James stared at her, his jaw set, “Why are you so mean to me, Evans?”

Lily blinked in surprise, “What?”

“You’re so bloody kind to everyone else. You give uncountable chances to a slimey greaseball like Severus Snape - who literally poisoned you for half a term - and you worry about werewolves well being and want to go rescue Sirius against one, and you’re always helping Peter with his homework and doing the first year girls hair and talking about us not bullying Xenophilius and on and on and on all the nice things you do, all the people you take care of. Then it’s me and you’re nasty as could be!”

“You’re mean to me, too.”

“I’m not though!” James said.

“You are! Always teasing me, making fun of me like you do.”

“Making fun of you when?”

“When you say things like you’re going to marry me, standing on the table in the Great Hall, or in Divination. Calling me a pigeon lady. I know I’m a freak, okay, James, I know! I have enough people calling me a freak, I don’t need to hear it from you, too!!!”

James stared at Lily at length, blinking in the dark. “I never once have called you a freak,” he said thickly.

She had tears in her eyes and she turned away, grappling for the door.

James reached out and stopped her, grabbed her hand. “Evans,” he said lowly, “You’re not a freak.”

Lily looked at him.

“You’re not. And when I say that stuff… I’m not making fun of you. I - I’m not joking.”

“Potter,” Lily’s voice was a warning tone.

“Evans,” he replied, “Seriously. I mean it when I say that stuff. I would very much like to marry you one day. And maybe… if you gave me a chance… maybe you’d very much like to marry me one day, too.”

Lily didn’t know what to think, if she could believe him, if this was a joke or not.

Then that bloody smile slid across his face, his lip caught on that stupid tooth, and Lily felt sure it had to be a joke because the twist that went through her stomach… that had to be wrong, too. So she wrenched her hand away and snapped, “Bugger off, Potter,” and stormed out of the passageway.




The morning light came through the cracks of the boarded up windows of the Shrieking Shack, landing on Sirius’s face. He breathed deeply, shifting, stretching his doggy legs and opened his eyes. Remus had transformed back and lay on the floor on his back. Sirius pushed himself up, turning back himself, and crossed his legs so he was sitting beside Remus as he slept. Sirius felt guilty, seeing fresh scratches across Remus’s cheek, and a bright red welt on his neck, where he, Sirius, had grabbed hold and shaken the night before.

Sirius reached out a hand and gently pushed up the hem of Remus’s shirt to inspect his ribs, which had smashed against the tree. Remus’s entire right side was dark purple with bruising. “Oh Rey, I’m sorry,” whispered Sirius.

He stared down at Remus, how peaceful he looked now, and he inched closer, his legs crossed at the shin, tucked up close to his chest so he could reach… He ran a hand through Remus’s hair, pushing the curls back from his forehead, and softly ran his knuckles over the smooth span of the boy’s cheek, his fingers just brushing Remus’s lips. A shiver went through him and he pulled his hand back, tilting his head and staring down at Remus Lupin.

When Rey woke up, Sirius knew already, it was going to be really hard, really emotional. Remus would remember everything that had happened and he was going to think himself a monster. The thought of this pale, bruised boy laying feeling so awful for things that he couldn’t help shattered Sirius’s heart. He wished he could siphon the memories out of Remus’s head before he could have them, to spare him the hurt.

“You’re not a monster,” Sirius whispered preemptively. He ran his finger gently along one of the scars on Remus’s cheek. “You’re beautiful, really… inside and out..” He bit his lip, and let his hand drop away from Remus…

A million thoughts pinged about in Sirius’s head, bouncing off one another, overwhelming him. His lungs felt tight and his heartbeat was in his ears. He had the strangest desire to pull Remus up into his lap and hold him, to hug him, tell him everything would be alright… The Dream echoed in Sirius’s mind and he thought if I kissed him here in the Shack, nobody would know except Remus and me... and then he thought, even more horribly… If I kissed him right now… only I would know… and he stared down at Remus’s dry lips and he remembered sitting in the dormitory, talking about his lips and how they were never dry. Well they were dry now, at the thought of kissing Remus, the nervousness had sopped away their moisture and he licked them, trying to wet them again, not wanting it to be a disappointment for Remus this time…

But then a low whimper in Remus’s throat interrupted Sirius’s thoughts… a twitch in his muscles… and he shifted… a soft groan emitting from the back of his throat, low and deep.

Sirius blushed, feeling as though he’d been caught having dirty thoughts he ought not to have had. He inched himself back, to a more appropriate distance… his heart thundering at how close he’d come to doing it - to kissing Remus Lupin.

Not until you know, he admonished himself. Not until you know.

As Remus stirred, Sirius sat beside him, waiting, ready to comfort him…