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P.A.H.W.F.A.H.W.W.N.D.J.P.


Sirius was laying across one of the benches in the compartment on the Express, his head on his balled up leather jacket, right where Remus always sat, feet up on the arm rest. Peter pushed his way through the door and hurriedly closed it behind him as the crowd outside jammed it’s way by, jostling and shoving about, headed for their compartments. “Where the fuck is my Moony?” demanded Sirius, sitting up, his big black boots thumping as they hit the floor of the train.

“McGonagall came and got him before we got on the carriages and I thought he’d only be a minute so I waited but he didn’t come back so I had to get on a bloody carriage alone and all that was left to ride with were Slytherins and blimey, even without Rosier, they’re still a load of tossers…” He sat down on the bench and reached into his pocket and nervously pulled out a couple licorice wands. He bit into one and threw the other at Sirius.

Sirius caught it and bit the tip off it, then got up and went to the window, unlatching it and shoving his head out. He looked up and down the platform, which was quickly emptying. Steam was already rising up from the engine and he chewed the licorice wand, watching as a wizard in a blue uniform magicked the steamers into the storage compartment and Hagrid stood on the platform, waving to several people who were hanging out the side of the train calling goodbye to him - including Dexter Cardwell, who was leaning so far out of the train that he nearly fell out and Sirius saw Liam and Wally grab hold of him by his jumper just in time as Dexter yelled “whoooaaa!” and they tugged him back inside.

But there was no Remus Lupin anywhere.

“Ferfucksakes…” Sirius grumbled as the train let out the first warning whistle and the last of the students on the platform scrambled for the doors. He grabbed his jacket and bent to snag his ridiculously long Gryffindor scarf from the floor, “I’ll be right back, Pete.”

“Where are you going?”

“To cause a distraction so they don’t pull out without Rey!” Sirius answered and he ducked out of the compartment, still winding the scarf ‘round his neck.

Peter bit his fingernails. He wondered fleetingly whether Sirius would’ve gone to stop the train from leaving if it was him, Peter, rather than Remus, that had been late.

Sirius shoved his way through the oncoming traffic in the corridor. “‘Scuse me, comin’ through, comin’ through… Nice hair, there, Maryrose, great colour - wotcher, Warbeck - ‘scuuuuuse me. Horny humpin’ hippogriffs! I mean; can’t you see there’s a bleedin’ person tryin’ to get through, stay on your own side of the corridor for Merlin’s sake - bloody hell…” He cursed and squashed his way all the way back to the door and hung out it, clutching the handle so that he was half in and half out, blocking off the entrance so the doors couldn’t shut so the train couldn’t take off. He looked across the platform at Hagrid, who was still waving to students from the windows. “Oi. Hagrid!”

Hagrid looked at him, “Mr. Black, what’re’yeh up to?” The tone in his question insinuated that, because it was Sirius Black, he was clearly up to something.

Sirius feigned being affronted, “Me? Up to something? Come now, Hagrid. When am I ever up to something?” Several of the kids leaning out of the train laughed at this and Sirius winked at them and they snickered all the harder.

Hagrid muttered something that sounded like it might’ve been only every bleedin’ time I see yeh.

“Anyway, I’m not up to anything. I’m looking for Remus. Have you seen my Moon-Moon lately, mate?” Sirius asked, looking about anxiously.

“Yer wha’?” Hagrid asked, Sirius’s voice having been drowned out by the second warning whistle shrieking out over the platform.

And as though in reply, there came a shout, “WAAAIT FOR ME! WAIT FOR ME! I’M COMING!! I’M CO-OOOOO-MIIIIIIIIING!”

Sirius grinned. “Nevermind, Hagrid.”

And over the crest of the steps leading up to the platform came Remus Lupin, clutching a couple papers in his fist, his robes flapping about his ankles, his book bag slamming against his hip… He barrelled across the platform, breathlessly, leaping aboard the Express as the third, and final, warning whistle blew, echoing over the trees shrilly. Sirius backed into the car and grabbed hold on Remus’s wrist, yanking him in and aboard, just as the doors closed. They stood facing each other in the very small space and Sirius grinned, then kissed Remus’s nose. “Bleedin’ hell, nearly left for holiday without you, Moonykins. Would’ve been a right terrible holiday.”

“You’d have got over it, I reckon, Padfoot,” Remus answered, panting, and kissing Sirius back, tall enough that, even being on a lower step he could still reach Sirius’s nose as well. “You’re rather resilient like that. And you’d have your Prongs.”

“No, I wouldn’t really, it would’ve been absolutely horrid. Prongs - also known as Rudolph this season - is not the same as my Moony! By any means. For one, Prongs is not going to bugger me under the mistletoe.” He looked at Remus with what he thought might be seductive eyes but were actually sort of wonky eyes.

“Wait. You mean I’m not sharing you with Prongs? All this time, I thought we were taking it in turn to be your boyfriend.” Remus tugged himself up into the corridor ‘round Sirius with a smirking grin.

“BOTH of you be my boyfriend? Bloody hell, Moonpie. I’d never… not with Prongsie… you’re mental! As though I share this shrine of a body with someone with as teribble hair as bloody Prongsie’s got? Merlin’s beard! I have standards, you know!” Sirius looked appalled and trailed after him at a trot. “I promise you, Moon-Moon, Christmas would be terrible without you, my love…”

Remus grinned. “You wouldn’t even miss me if I wasn’t there.”

“No I would! It would be awful! Positively terrible,” Sirius argued. Then he smirked and he started singing. “I’d haaaave a bluuuuuuue Christmas… withouuuut you… I’d be so bluuuuuuuuue just thinking… a-a-aa-bouuuut you…”

“Oh deer,” muttered Remus, flushing as people in compartments looked out at Sirius and Remus as they passed, Sirius’s voice warbling along behind him.

“Deeeeeeeeeecor-REY-tions of reeeeeeed on a guhh-uhh-rreeeeen Christmas treeee… They wouldn’t be the same Moony -- if youuuu weren’t there with meeeeeeee…”

“You’re absolutely terrible singer,” laughed Remus, but he was lying because Sirius was actually rather good and Sirius’s eyes glittered ‘cos he knew it and he laughed and grabbed Remus’s hand and squeezed and they ran along to the corridor, where Peter was waiting and sank into their usual spots.

“Well look who decided to join us at last,” Peter said sourly. “You know, I had to ride all the way from the castle with Barty Crouch and Germaine Avery? It was horrid.”

Sirius looked concerned, “Crouch is hanging around with Avery and them now, too? Bloody hell. That little git’s my brother’s best mate.” He sighed and shook his head.

Remus looked around at them. “Either of you gonna ask me where I was just now?”

Sirius looked at Remus, “With your second boyfriend? Who is it? Is it Frank Longbottom?”

“Second boyfriend?” Peter looked confused.

“Yes, Peter, Moony thinks I’ve been double-timing with Prongs. Can you believe it?”

“You mean you haven’t?” joked Peter, smirking.

Sirius looked offended, “Well I see how it is. You lot are just mean. I’m telling my Prongs on you.” Remus smirked as Peter snickered and Remus elbowed Sirius and Sirius announced, “That’s it, I’m going to start a club with Evans - People At Hogwarts With Fucking Amazing Hair Who Would Never Date James Potter - P.A.H.W.F.A.H.W.W.N.D.J.P. for short --"

"That's for short?" asked Remus, snorting.

"-- and we’ll be insanely fabulous,” Sirius finished.

Remus said, “I thought Prongs got himself kissed?”

Sirius said, “No the blighter was offered a kiss and refused it, like a bleedin’ muppet.”

“Do muppets bleed?” Peter asked.

“Yes. Cotton. Cotton everywhere. It looks like a bloody cotton ball factory just -- BOOOOM,” and Sirius waved his palms (jazz hands style) about to indicate the explosive action of the cotton ball factory, slash untellable muppet bloodshed.

Remus watched Sirius and when he was quite finished with his special effects, he said, “So Newt Scamander’s adopted a werewolf cub.”

Sirius and Peter both turned to look at Remus with wide eyes. “Excuse me?” Peter asked. “Why?”

Sirius shot him a look, “Because they’re fluffy little buggers, aren’t they?” His voice was sharp.

Peter turned red and shuffled to the end of his compartment bench that was furthest from Sirius.

Remus said, “Well him and Tina were off exploring and they found him. That’s what happened to Tina. She was attacked by a full grown werewolf -” he carefully left out the fact that it had been Professor Veigler that had attacked her, only because he felt if it was him that had done, he would’ve appreciated that fact being left out of non-essential recounts of the story, “- and they found a little boy who’d been bit and his name’s Bradley. He’s five. Newt’s asked me to talk to him before the next moon, so he’s prepared for it.” He looked at Sirius. “I thought you might help me.”

“Me?” Sirius demanded.

“Yeah. You said once that was the sort of thing you’d like to do - after Hogwarts, I mean. I thought perhaps you’d like a crack at it.”

Sirius stared at Remus. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“Of course I do,” Remus answered, “I remember everything, mate.”

Sirius smiled.

“So - so there’s more. I was talking to Newt and it turns out he - he helped take care of me when I was a pup. My dad called Newt Scamander to come and help after Greyback bit me and… he had all these sketches of what I looked like then… and… he’s the reason I’m here, at Hogwarts. All this time, I thought it was Dumbledore that was looking out for me, and, yeah, it was, but - but it was Newt Scamander, too. All this time.”

Sirius smiled, “Bloody knew I liked that bloke for a turn.” He paused. “How’s Tina?”

“Better.”

“Good.”

“And they saved nearly forty children Greyback’s stolen from their families! Imagine that?” Remus beamed, “Bloody heroes, they are.” He was beaming with pride, and he turned the parchment pages that Newt had given him around so that they could see - drawings from the journal. “Look.”

Sirius sat up, “Ferfucksake look at that - a baby Moony!”

Peter blinked at the pictures, “That’s you?”

“Yeah, Newt drew them of me.”

“I fucking want you.”

They both looked at Sirius.

“I mean as a pet,” Sirius tried to amend. Then, “Okay there is no way for me to fix what I’ve said so it sounds less creepy so let’s just let it go. Alright?”

All three boys laughed and Remus tucked the pictures into his books carefully.

“So wait - Lily Evans likes James?” Peter asked suddenly, looking up.

“Apparently so,” Sirius said. “Will be interesting to see how long it lasts before he fucks it up, ‘ey?”