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Not Until


“I really didn’t mean the rubbish I said to him,” James said.

Lily was hurrying through the tunnel, trying to catch up to Peter. James trotted along behind her, his wand lit, lighting up her way. She hadn’t said a word. She’d just stared at him and then gone after Peter Pettigrew. “I was just angry, Evans. He interrupted us and I - I finally thought I was getting somewhere with talking to you, like you were seeing the real me and --”

Lily suddenly stopped and turned ‘round so fast that James literally nearly ran into her and had to catch himself by sticking his arms out to either side of the walls of the tunnel. She glared into his eyes, “Yes, I did. I did see the real you. And that’s the saddest part, James. I start to like you, I start to think maybe you’re something more than the absolute pill that you’ve been all along and then you do something like this, like yell at one of your best mates and break his heart.”

“But I didn’t mean it,” James whined as Lily turned back around and started hurrying alnog again. “I didn’t - and I said I was sorry and --”

“James, if you say you’re sorry and you continue on doing the thing that you apologize for, then you’re only saying you’re sorry. You aren’t actually being sorry. Do you understand that?” Lily’s voice was harsh.

“I’m not just saying it.”

“You are, though, because you’ve said it a load of times that I know about to him and yet you still go for the throat whenever you have any issue to raise.” She shook her head, “You do the same thing with Severus.”

“Bloody hell, don’t bring that git into this.”

“See? There you go. Bully.”

James sighed. “Evans!! C’mon!”

She stopped again and again he almost ran into her. “How would you like it, James, if every time you got into an argument with somebody they brought up your worst moments and threw them in your face and used them as ammunition to fire against you?”

“Sort of how you’re doing to me right now?”

“You called him stupid. You called him a coward.” Lily shook her head, “James, those are two things that he’s horribly insecure about.”

“Well, see, nobody would be able to do it to me, then, as I’m not insecure about anything at all.”

“No?” Lily eyed him a moment, then said, “Let’s talk about what a terrible Captain you are - haven’t won a game at Quidditch yet, have you, Captain?” James’s eyes went from arrogant to a sort of broken look. “Worst Quidditch record in recent Gryffindor History. At least a decade, isn’t it?”

James set his jaw.

“Feels rather rubbish, doesn’t it?” Lily asked.

James nodded.

“Now, if I say I’m sorry for that and then in fifteen minutes I sort of off-handedly called you a loser, and tomorrow I made some remark about the rubies in the hour glass being abysmally low and pass off a joke about you chasing wins all the time… Am I really sorry or am I just being a bully?”

James nodded again, not sure he could speak without his voice cracking.

Lily said, “Look… I get it, you don’t mean it. And over all, you’re generally a really nice person, I s’pose. You’re really brave, there’s no arguing that, and despite everything I just said, you’re a brilliant Quidditch player and a good captain, you’re just having a rough year. But you do exactly that to Peter. And you do it to Severus Snape. And Sirius does it to Jasper Odair with the jokes about finding things and you don’t stop him. You tell me with a laugh in your voice.” She shook her head, “It isn’t funny. You know Jasper knew about that joke? Yeah. And he didn’t find it very funny.”

James hung his head.

“So to answer your question, James… Yes, this was a duck and not a date; and no, I will not go out with you. Not until you can stop being a bully. Not until you can stop and think about the things you say and the people whose feelings are affected by them. Not until you can grow up.” Her voice was firm.

“Okay,” he said.

She turned and continued on down the tunnel after Peter.

James stood exactly where he was, even as her wand light bobbed away through the dark, further and further away ‘til she went ‘round a bend… and she was gone. James lowered himself to the ground. He closed his eyes.

“Nox,” he whispered.

And the tunnel went pitch dark.




Peter ran up the stairs of the castle, clutching his wrist. It still burned. He could still see the red welts where the golden rope had wrapped around his wrist and around Voldemort’s, too. He felt sick to his stomach.

”Didn’t take much, did it? To bring you to your knees before me?”

The memory of Voldemort’s voice echoed in Peter’s head and he whimpered.

”If I let you go… if I let you live today… then one day, I shall ask something of you… and whatever it is… you will give me what I want. No matter what it is… No matter when I ask it from you… No matter what threats you face… You will give me what I want. Anything. Even if it is something that you hold dear? Do you swear it?”

Peter staggered and sat down on the steps, remembering the way he’d sobbed and cried and begged at Voldemort’s feet.

In a way, he was sort of glad that James had exploded at him like he had. The words James had said might’ve stung, but Peter was really more afraid of James knowing about the promise he’d made with You Know Who than anything else. What if James Potter, the one person on the whole planet that (usually) seemed to give any kind of care about Peter at all suddenly thought he was a terrible person for dealing with the Dark Lord, even if it was for his life?

After all, James was so brave he probably would’ve died before he’d made that same deal.

Peter wished suddenly that he had.

Lily came up before him and she stood on the landing and stared at him a long moment, then sat beside him.

Peter looked even more miserable at her arrival. “You didn’t need to leave your date,” he said quietly.

“It was a duck anyway,” Lily murmured.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She paused, then, “I’m sorry James was such an arsehole to you.”

Peter shook his head, “I didn’t use my head… interrupting you two…” He bit his lip, then lookin up at her. “Were you about to say yes?”

“No,” Lily answered untruthfully.

“He’s gonna hate me so much,” Peter choked the words out.

Lily sighed and put her arm ‘round Peter’s shoulders. “Don’t let James Potter bring you down, Peter. That stuff he said about you wasn’t fair and it wasn’t entirely true, either, You’re a very good wizard, very strong and sweet. And you aren’t fat, you’re just right. And… and you’re brave.”

He looked up at her. “I’m afraid of lizards.”

“So?”

“My patronus is a lizard. I produced it a couple weeks ago and it came out and I was afraid of it and it went back in my wand and I don’t want it to come back, not really. I’m afraid of it. Lily Evans, I’m afraid of a ghost of a lizard.”

Lily patted his back. “Oh Peter. I’m afraid of lizards too.”

“Are you?” he looked hopeful.

“I hate how scaley they are.”

“Me too!”

“And it’s not just lizards it’s reptiles in general. Like snakes, with their weird flicky tongues.” Lily shuddered.

“And no legs! It’s unnatural!” Peter nodded.

Lily said, “You don’t think I’m a coward, do you?”

Peter shook his head no.

“Well see?” Lily said, “You’re not a coward, either.”

He looked up at her and wiped his eyes with the back of his fist, “Thanks Lily.”




It was much later when James made his way up stairs to Gryffindor tower, feeling really glum. He walked slowly along the corridor, dragging his feet, not looking forward to going up to the dormitory and facing Peter Pettigrew. He was nearly to the Fat Lady when he heard whispered voices off to one side and he hesitated… then went to investigate.

Wally, Dexter, and Liam were standing huddled together, talking in quiet, excited voices. The moment James came ‘round the corner, they stopped talking and all three of them turned to stare at James with guilty expressions on their faces.

“What’re you little seagulls up to?” James asked.

“Nothing,” said Liam, too quickly.

James raised his eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

Wally nodded vigorously.

James hesitated. “Well, it’s after hours, if Filch catches you lot out here, it’ll be detention. Off to bed with you.” He waved them on ahead of him through the portrait hole. As he was climbing through, Liam dropped a bit of parchment and James bent to pick it up. He was about to tell Liam he’d dropped it… when he spotted what was written upon it.

Malfoy, it read. James’s brow knit together in concern...

What did Liam Harding have to do with the Malfoys?