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I’m Here Now


Remus and Peter were on the grounds, walking to the Care of Magical Creatures class when James and Lily caught up with them. James clutched the Map in his hands as he skid down the path, loose pebbles spraying around his feet. Remus looked up, “You didn’t find him?”

James shook his head.

“Isn’t he on the Map?”

“No,” James said. “We checked the Secret Room, so he must’ve left the grounds.” He lowered his voice as Marlene McKinnon and Emmaline Vance walked by. “We’re going to go check the Shack.”

Remus shook his head, “No.”

“That’s the only other place he could be,” James said.

“No, I mean you’re not. I am... I’ll go.” Remus held out his hand for the Marauder’s Map and James handed it to him.

Lily looked concerned, “Are you sure, Rey?”

Remus took a deep breath, “Yes.”

“We’ll go with you,” James suggested.

Remus shook his head, “Go to class.”

James and Lily exchanged uneasy glances, but Remus insisted and finally Peter was leading the way as the three of them went off to the Care of Magical Creatures class and Remus stood on the path, watching them go over the crest of the hill. He consulted the Map to be sure nobody else was coming that might try to follow him - but other than the cluster of students attending the class, Kettleburn just coming out of his barn, and Hagrid (who was hovering around the class, doing whatever tasks he’d found to appear busy while really watching Kettleburn’s lecture), there was nobody outside. Remus ran for the Willow.

There were fresh gouges dug in the dirt walls where he had lashed out in his wolf form during the time he’d been stuck in the tunnel alone, between when he had awakened from the stunner James hit him with and when Dumbledore must’ve pulled his body from the tunnel at sunrise. He ran his fingers over them, feeling where his claws had been and shuddering at how terrifying he must have been… He pictured Severus Snape cowering away and he felt sick.

The part that hurt the most of the entire thing was that Sirius had treated him like he was a monster to unleash upon an enemy.

Remus hesitated at the trap door. He could see there was some damage to the door, scratches that weakened the integrity of the wood. He sighed and pushed the door up, crawling through into the dusty downstairs of the Shrieking Shack. There were loads of footprints - people and paw prints - in the dust. There were teeny tiny ones where Bradley had been scampering and his larger wolf paws that were more than four time as big as Bradley’s little marks. There were loads of footprints… The table was broken again, and though the front wall of the building had been repaired, it was a bit different, a bit crooked, like it had been done in a rush. One of the windows by the door had not been boarded up properly and Remus could see the yard beyond, where dozens of trees still lay - logs now - with blasted trunks that oozed sap.

Sirius wasn’t anywhere downstairs, so Remus pulled himself up the steps, his heart in his throat with nervousness. He walked down the hall to the clubhouse room… the door was opened…

Inside was a colossal mess. Most of it had been made by the Niffler. Drawers had been wrenched opened and gone through, their contents strewn about the floor (poor Niffler hadn’t found any shiny treasures in the clubhouse and had ended up leaving tucked under Newt’s arm with nothing to show for his efforts). One of the beds was broken, leaning pitifully, one of the posts snapped in half so that the canopy sort of hung down.

On the other bed, lay Sirius.

He was curled into a ball, his face buried in a bit of cloth that Remus recognized as one of his sweaters that he’d left in the Shack. Sirius was shaking… whether from cold or from crying, Remus couldn’t tell from the distance he was at.

“Sirius,” he said quietly.

Sirius didn’t move.

Remus took a deep breath and walked slowly over to the bed, kicking aside some of the things the Niffler had strewn about, and he lowered himself down on the edge of it, right at Sirius’s hip and he put his hand on his back.

Sirius flinched.

Tears sprang into Remus’s eyes. “Don’t flinch from me…”

Sirius pushed his face all the harder into the jumper. “Go away.”

Remus climbed onto the bed behind Sirius and moved so that he was pressed along the back of him, spooning him, wrapping his arms around him, pressing his face into the back of Sirius’s neck, like they always did… and Sirius choked on a sob he was trying to hold back as Remus pulled him tighter.

Remus could feel the tension in Sirius’s muscles, could feel the tendons and nerves vibrating through his skin practically. He kissed the very top of Sirius’s spine, where it met his neck. “You can’t go disappearing on us like this,” he whispered. “We’re all worried about you, Padfoot.”

Sirius’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut as Remus’s weight pressed against him.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius croaked the words.

“I know,” Remus replied softly.

Sirius moved one of his hands from holding the jumper to his face to holding Remus’s hand to his chest. “Don’t go.”

“I’m here for you,” Remus replied. “Even if we aren’t… more… right now, I am still your friend. You know that, right, Sirius? That I’m your friend?”

Sirius nodded.

“I’m sorry, too,” Remus whispered, “That I haven’t been your friend this week since we…” he couldn’t say the words broke up, the caught in his throat. So he skipped them. “...but I needed space.”

Sirius nodded again.

“I’m here now.”

It was almost as painful as when he was gone, Sirius thought. Being held in his arms as a friend hurt nearly as much as having no arms at all. His grip on Remus’s hand lowered to wrap around his forearm, clutching him closer, trying to keep him tight around him. He couldn’t let go. If he did, Sirius was certain he’d fall apart.

“Moony,” he choked the word.

Remus was quiet a long moment, the nickname bringing tears to his eyes.

“Remus,” begged Sirius.

“Sirius?” Remus’s voice cracked.

“Will you ever be able to love me again?”

Remus’s throat ached. “Give it time, Sirius.”

Sirius deflated. “You’ll… you’ll never forgive me, will you?”

Remus breathed, “I’m trying to.”

“But you can’t.”

“I’m trying.”

They fell into silence. Sirius trembled under Remus’s arms and Remus tugged him tighter, their knees bending together, Sirius’s hair tickling Remus’s nose and Sirius’s fingers clutching onto Remus’s arm. Suddenly Sirius was gone stiff and Remus looked down to find he was transforming right in his arms… and Sirius was melting away, his features smooshing and contorting, stretching and changing until Remus had his arms around the shaggy form of Snuffles, who turned and pressed his muzzle into the crook of Remus’s neck, curling even closer than before.

Remus sighed and stroked Snuffle’s ears gently, running his fingers through the soft fur behind them and scratching his back a bit.

“I do love you, Sirius,” Remus whispered.

The dog whimpered.

“After all you’ve done for me and all we’ve been through. After all of it, I can’t unlove you.” Remus took a deep breath, “I wish this never happened. I wish you’d talked to me about it, I wish you’d slowed down and just… just not overreacted... Sirius…My heart is so broken by what happened, sooo broken, and you’re the only one that knows how to fix it when my heart’s broken. What do you do when the person that fixes it is the one that broke it? I don’t know. I’m struggling to pick the pieces up myself, Sirius, and until I do -- I don’t know what’s left to give. Maybe once it’s fixed… once we’re both a little less broken than we are now… I just -- it’s nonsense. This. Us, being broke. Sirius, it never should’ve happened... I’ve told you so many times, acting in your passion, without pausing to think, without stopping to consider the consequences…” tears were in Remus’s eyes, “Please. Please don’t do this again. Don’t react with your kneejerk reaction. Don’t. It gets us all in trouble, it gets you in trouble, and we’re left picking up pieces of things that should never… never have been broken… like us. You and I shouldn’t be broken.”

The dog trembled.

“I love you so… fucking… much, Sirius,” Remus choked. “I do. I always will. We shouldn’t be broken.”

But there they were.